It is ten p.m. The phone just rang. Caller I.D. told me it was Dad.
Well, that’s worrisome. That means someone is dead.
OK, it doesn’t *really* mean someone is dead. But that’s immediately where my brain goes when I get a call at a weird hour.
I picked it up and Dad hung up in my ear.
Well! That was EXTRA worrisome. That meant that he was probably having a heart attack and I was the ONLY PERSON he thought of to call and he dropped dead just as I picked up, accidentally clicking the “end call” button as he fell dead to the floor. Also, my mother would sleep through the apocalypse and she so wouldn’t find him until tomorrow morning. No, seriously. I know I got my insomnia from the Amy’s Dad side of the family, because the Amy’s Mom side of the family fall asleep ANYWHERE, at ANY TIME, and stay asleep for like 8-10 hours. They apparently have no worries or cares. I hate them a little bit. I also think they might be part narcoleptic.
So I called him back. When it connected, he was dialing (laboriously and slowly) HIS end of the phone so it connected but he didn’t KNOW it had connected (way to go, phone company) so I was all “Dad. Dad. DAD. DAD DAD DAD” until he heard me.
“Oh. Hello,” he said.
“Are you dead?” I asked.
“No. You’re not Dancing with the Stars.”
I looked at myself. Nope. I’m in pajamas with a cat climbing on me like I’m the coolest Kilimanjaro ever. I’m not dancing with any stars at the moment.
“Correct. ARE YOU DEAD?” I asked. “I can’t even imagine a reason a person would call me at ten p.m. and then HANG UP IN MY EAR.”
“No. I tried to redial Dancing with the Stars but the phone redialed you instead. This whole thing is rigged. By the government.”
“You’re voting for Dancing with the Stars and accidentally calling me at ten p.m. and you think the government is behind this? Are you sure you’re ok?”
“I HAVE TO GO. I don’t even remember how many votes I have left and THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Did I wake you up? Go back to bed.”
“No. I have like half an hour before bed or something. As long as you’re not dead.”
“I’m going to be dead if I can’t vote soon. I don’t think you understand how important this is. I tried to vote online but they wouldn’t let me because of this thing called CAPTURE. It kept saying I got the word wrong. Why is it doing that to me?”
“Because Captcha sucks. Or maybe the government doesn’t want you to vote.”
“STOP LAUGHING THIS IS SERIOUS GOODBYE NOW.”
Well. I think we’re all so pleased Dad’s not dead right now and only doesn’t understand how redial works.
November 19th, 2012 at 10:34 pm
I love your dad stories! Thanks for sharing him- lost my dad last year, and miss him so very much. Your dad makes me smile.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:53 am
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. You are welcome to Amy’s Dad stories anytime. There are so many of them to go around. I’m glad they make you smile!
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November 19th, 2012 at 10:58 pm
Your dad is so much more awesome than my dad ever was! I love your dad! I would adopt him if that sort of thing was possible. :-)
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:52 am
He’s pretty awesome, it’s true!
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November 19th, 2012 at 11:03 pm
bahahahahahaha! I <3 your dad so much.
WHY IS IT DOING THAT?
Hee!
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:52 am
Captcha has made a very serious enemy in my dad. DEAD TO HIM, CAPTCHA!
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November 19th, 2012 at 11:04 pm
BAHAHAHAHAHA!! i’m not 100% sure why, but knowing he cares so passionately about Dancing With The Stars (really?? SERIOUSLY??) is like the icing on the Amy’s Dad cake.
maybe we can have a DWTS/Helper Mule/Moose hunting mashup??
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:51 am
He LOVES this show. He loved it more when that Palin girl was on it (of course he did, it was SUCH a government conspiracy that more people weren’t voting for her) but I wasn’t aware he actually VOTED on it. He’s like a tween voting on “American Idol.” It’s so strange.
Once I tried to watch it with him but he got frustrated with me because I asked the wrong questions, like “Why is her top so low?” and “MAN that’s a lot of body glitter, am I right?” and he was all “SHUSH! PASO DOBLE!”
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November 19th, 2012 at 11:06 pm
CAPTCHA is of the devil. And it’s totally counter-productive, as the only ones they piss off are they actual people they want to cater to. The bots don’t care. Also, it’s the lazy way out – there are many other, much better, ways to determine if the visitor is a human or not. CAPTCHA needs to die.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:48 am
I’ll tell Dad you said that. He thinks it’s a government plot to keep him from voting on “Dancing with the Stars.”
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November 19th, 2012 at 11:10 pm
What’s this, by the way? Another post for Monday? I haven’t even had time to comment on the first one yet.
(Not that I’m complaining, mind.)
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November 20th, 2012 at 1:13 am
Actually, scratch that. Turns out I did comment on your other Monday post. I just seemed to have lost my mind instead. Or memory. Or something.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:46 am
Eh, it was a long Monday and I don’t usually post twice. I threw off the balance of the universe. It’s understandable.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:47 am
It was super-special bonus content! Like on a DVD. Or in a cereal box.
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November 19th, 2012 at 11:44 pm
I can’t begin to tell you how much I needed that post.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:46 am
Aw, good! I’m glad!
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November 20th, 2012 at 6:42 am
Ugh! Captcha is the worst. It is evil and proves this by outing your dad over his Dancing With the Stars voting.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:46 am
He was SO MAD about Captcha. Apparently he hasn’t come across it before in his life? “AMY. I tried that thing TWENTY TIMES. WHY IS IT DOING THAT.”
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November 20th, 2012 at 12:21 pm
I am working on a blog post on that very evil and hated subject. I do not love Captcha.
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November 20th, 2012 at 6:55 pm
It’s the worst. There are only a few blogs I comment on that use it, but I always get grumpy when I get to that point in the commenting process.
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November 20th, 2012 at 8:31 am
Haaaaahahahahahaha!
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:00 pm
:)
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November 20th, 2012 at 11:23 am
Imagine how dangerous your dad would be with a grasp of redial *and* non dial-up internet!
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:00 pm
I keep encouraging him to get real internet. They’re doing a deal around there where you can get a dish for your internet for a pretty low price, but he’s still refusing. He would LOVE it. He’s online a lot and I can’t even imagine how much he’d love being able to get online quickly!
The phone is a lost cause. He just discovered speakerphone a few weeks ago. Redial I think is months or years away. :)
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November 20th, 2012 at 11:45 am
Hehehe, I’m glad your dad is okay, but I love how he’s just like “get off the phone I need to vote!” hahaha. And Captchas are evil and annoying and rage-inducing.
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November 20th, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Mom was all, “YOUR FATHER WAS OBSESSED LAST NIGHT!” Apparently if whoever “Melissa Rycroft” (sp?) is doesn’t win, there’s going to be hell to pay in the Amy’s Dad household!
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November 20th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Your dad REALLY doesn’t strike me as the “votes for dancing with the stars” type. REALLY. Where’s he stand on “The Voice”?
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November 20th, 2012 at 6:52 pm
The only reality votey-type shows he watches are Dancing with the Stars and Survivor. I think he watches those Ice Road Trucker things, too, but no one votes on those. Mom told me tonight he’s REALLY into Dancing. Like, yelling at the TV into it. That makes me laugh.
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November 21st, 2012 at 11:37 am
Ask him which judge is his favorite and whether he voted for Hines Ward a couple years ago.
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November 21st, 2012 at 7:58 pm
I’ll try to remember to ask him this the next time I talk to him!
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November 20th, 2012 at 5:53 pm
BTW, who is he voting for?
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November 20th, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I just called him to ask. That girl from the Bachelorette? He hates everyone else. He had mean things to say about ALL OF THE REST OF THEM.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:22 pm
This is the best thing in the world: 1. your dad is fine. 2. he loves that show. Plus, I love dancing shows. Although I’m more So You Think You Can Dance. I love that show. 3. he is right about captcha.
Also, I’m glad your heart has calmed down enough to be able to write a post. Personally, I would note the days of Dancing With the Stars somewhere near the phone, so if this happens again, you can know that it’s just your dad voting.
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November 20th, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Well, if that girl he likes doesn’t go through to the next round, HE IS NEVER WATCHING THAT SHOW AGAIN AMY!!! so maybe it won’t happen again? :)
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November 20th, 2012 at 8:40 pm
My wife just saw who your dad is rooting for and said,”I can see why guys like her. Did you see that dress?”
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November 20th, 2012 at 10:03 pm
Oh, well that explains it. Dad does enjoy a nice low-cut dress. But he won’t ADMIT he likes that; if I call him on it, he says, “NO. I like her because she is SMART.” (They tend to get smarter the lower-cut the tops are, I’ve noticed. Is that how that works. Huh.)
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