It is ten p.m. The phone just rang. Caller I.D. told me it was Dad.
Well, that’s worrisome. That means someone is dead.
OK, it doesn’t *really* mean someone is dead. But that’s immediately where my brain goes when I get a call at a weird hour.
I picked it up and Dad hung up in my ear.
Well! That was EXTRA worrisome. That meant that he was probably having a heart attack and I was the ONLY PERSON he thought of to call and he dropped dead just as I picked up, accidentally clicking the “end call” button as he fell dead to the floor. Also, my mother would sleep through the apocalypse and she so wouldn’t find him until tomorrow morning. No, seriously. I know I got my insomnia from the Amy’s Dad side of the family, because the Amy’s Mom side of the family fall asleep ANYWHERE, at ANY TIME, and stay asleep for like 8-10 hours. They apparently have no worries or cares. I hate them a little bit. I also think they might be part narcoleptic.
So I called him back. When it connected, he was dialing (laboriously and slowly) HIS end of the phone so it connected but he didn’t KNOW it had connected (way to go, phone company) so I was all “Dad. Dad. DAD. DAD DAD DAD” until he heard me.
“Oh. Hello,” he said.
“Are you dead?” I asked.
“No. You’re not Dancing with the Stars.”
I looked at myself. Nope. I’m in pajamas with a cat climbing on me like I’m the coolest Kilimanjaro ever. I’m not dancing with any stars at the moment.
“Correct. ARE YOU DEAD?” I asked. “I can’t even imagine a reason a person would call me at ten p.m. and then HANG UP IN MY EAR.”
“No. I tried to redial Dancing with the Stars but the phone redialed you instead. This whole thing is rigged. By the government.”
“You’re voting for Dancing with the Stars and accidentally calling me at ten p.m. and you think the government is behind this? Are you sure you’re ok?”
“I HAVE TO GO. I don’t even remember how many votes I have left and THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. Did I wake you up? Go back to bed.”
“No. I have like half an hour before bed or something. As long as you’re not dead.”
“I’m going to be dead if I can’t vote soon. I don’t think you understand how important this is. I tried to vote online but they wouldn’t let me because of this thing called CAPTURE. It kept saying I got the word wrong. Why is it doing that to me?”
“Because Captcha sucks. Or maybe the government doesn’t want you to vote.”
“STOP LAUGHING THIS IS SERIOUS GOODBYE NOW.”
Well. I think we’re all so pleased Dad’s not dead right now and only doesn’t understand how redial works.