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…and I’ll no longer be a Capulet. Or a Juliet, actually.

OK, I have two hours and then it’s bedtime. I’m so tired I’m pretty sure I’m on the way to seeing things that aren’t there. Like little green men or possibly large pink bunnies, I don’t know. If I can get a full night’s sleep tonight that would be so sweet. Sleep has become like a long-lost lover to me lately that I think of fondly and with much longing. I miss you, sleep. Come back to me, please, sleep. I promise to show you a good time.

I had to tell you some things yesterday. OK, what were the things. Sex-change cat; sword-cane; The Shape of Things; strip club. And whatever else crosses my sleep-deprived brain-area.

Sex-change cat!

So we answer all kinds of calls at work. Doctor’s offices, lawyers, heating and cooling places, apartment complexes – if a place ever closes, and needs someone on call after hours, we’re your place. We answer for a bunch of vet offices. I like the vet offices, because I feel like I am being HELPFUL to the ANIMALS. (Although sometimes the callers ask something silly, like “My dog ate some raw chicken, will he die?” and I SO want to say “No, because IT IS A DOG and DOGS EAT RAW THINGS ALL THE TIME AND ALSO GARBAGE” and I have to exert all my self-control not to.) Anyway, someone called a vet line the other day and – I am SO not kidding – asked to have the vet call them back so they could get a sex change operation for their cat.

A SEX CHANGE OPERATION. FOR THEIR CAT.

His name was “Romeo” so I assume he wanted to become a “Juliet.”

We even listened to the call because we assumed it was probably a prank call and we wanted to talk to the operator about what to do when a prank call comes in but it wasn’t even a prank call. Just a fella wantin’ a sex change operation for his kitteh.

I don’t even…what leads someone to make this phone call? What leads you to want a sex change operation for your cat? Did your cat meow in a feminine fashion so you assumed they’re really a lady? Did you catch your cat wearing little cat-dresses? (I totally knew a cat that had a little cat-dress once and it made me laugh so hard I almost died. It was PINK. And yes, it was a real live cat and not even a stuffed animal.) Did your cat hump another man-cat so you’re like “THAT IS EEEVIL” so you think it’s probably trapped in a man-cat body?

This is more of a housedress. This cat is not fancy.

Listen, Dumbcat meows like a lady. I’ll totally admit it. He also sometimes sounds like an opera singer. He has a very high cat-voice. But I don’t think he needs a sex-change operation. How would I even KNOW such a thing? DUMBCAT IS A BOY. He’ll have to stay a boy, because HE CANNOT TELL ME HE WANTS ANYTHING ELSE. Because HE IS A CAT.

This is insane and makes me sad for the cat. I hope the vet clinic didn’t even bother calling that guy back the next day, seriously.

This segues nicely into SWORD-CANE GUY.

So we also answer for some places that we have to take orders for. These make me sad because they are for old people who can’t figure out this new thing called “the intertubes” and so they want to talk to a human because they think if they type their credit card number into the typewriter attached to a television it will be stolen by alien robots.

…and they eat our medicine for fuel.

One of them sells canes. All the canes. Many types of fancy canes. (So…not a lot of young people call that line, then.)

So a man called me the other day, and I got his name and shit, as one does, and then was all, “How can I help you today, sir?” and he said, “Well, I wonder if you have any sword-canes.” And I said, “Um. Sword-canes?” and he said, “Yes. Canes, that are also a dangerous sword.” So I said, “Like…in a James Bond film?” and he said, “JUST LIKE THAT.” So I said, “Have you…checked our catalog online?” because that’s what we’re supposed to do, and he said, all conspiratorially, “YES. But you wouldn’t have them in the catalog. They’re MUCH too dangerous. They’d be something you’d NEVER talk about. Unless someone were to call you and ask about them SPECIFICALLY.” So I was all “Um. Mmm-hmm” and got the rest of his info without even laughing at him. Are you so proud of me? I know. I know you are.

SWORD-CANES!

This one’s even scarier, ’cause, DRAGON. It will BITE you and also STAB you. DOUBLY DANGEROUS!!!

So then my coworker was all, “WHAT THE HELL IS A SWORD CANE” so I drew her this helpful diagram which I brought home with me so I could show you. Because I love you.

My job might kind of have killed me this week but I still got the giggles more than not.

SWORD CANE!!!

Ooh, this one you can PUSH TO OPEN and also it’s a COBRA. Hiss!

Oh, yeah, as you can see, I’m totally quite the artiste. And also that’s my handwriting. Like it? I have trouble sticking with either cursive or print so I fluctuate between the two, it’s an issue I have.

STRIP CLUB! Ding Dong Joe’s been waiting for this part of the post. He’s taking off the minute when this is done.

So right around the corner from my house (well, not THAT close. Let’s say like, I don’t know, 5 minutes away or something, I don’t know, it’s not far) is a strip club/juice bar. I think that’s what it is. Because in New York you can take your clothes off and sell juice, and you can leave your clothes on and sell beer, but never the twain shall meet. Well, not legally, anyway, and not on stage for money.

It is called Night Moves. (Oh! Shit! Sorry. NITE Moves. They don’t spell it right. My fault.) It is not my FAVORITE strip club. My favorite strip club was run by a crazy and they shut him down for some reason and one year at Christmas he put a blow-up Santa being serviced by a blow-up doll on his roof as a protest and it was both inappropriate and hilarious? Because I have a strange sense of humor? They made him take it down. But for a short period of time it was THE FUNNIEST YET WORST THING EVER.

Anyway, so my area was TOTALLY FAMOUS because we were on The Colbert Report the other night with a report about Night/Nite Moves because the owner tried to get strippers claimed as dancers so he didn’t have to pay his back taxes. No, seriously. I would embed the clip but I can’t because Comedy Central and WordPress don’t play nice so here’s the link. The local arts guy is the guy that does the restaurant reviews for the paper and I kind of love him. (I think he does other things, too. He’s pretty great. But he’s most well known for his foodie stuff.)

FINALLY, then I’m TOTALLY going to bed, I went to see a play last night, even though I was EXHAUSTED, and listen. LISTEN. Sometimes you’re all “ugh, I really shouldn’t do this, I should go home and go to bed” or whatever but people are RELYING on you so you GO and then something magical happens.

Best show I’ve seen all year. I see…well, less shows now, since I’m poorer than poor, but let’s say anywhere from 2-5 shows a month? All year long? Times twelve? So that’s a lot. More than your average human being.

The acting was brilliant. The lighting was…well, I haven’t seen anything like it in a long time. It was cinematic. It was a revelation. The set was understated but such an integral part of the show it made my heart hurt. The music was perfectly chosen. (“Coin-Operated Boy” at one point, and did I bop along in my seat? Yep.)

And it was at MY THEATER, so you might be all “AMY YOU ARE BIASED” but I didn’t even work on this one, so I’m completely unbiased. (Also, I don’t believe in being biased. I’ve said “best thing I’ve seen all year” about things I’ve seen at my theater, at theaters I don’t care much for, at theaters with millions of dollars in revenue, theaters in basements. Doesn’t matter much. Best thing I’ve seen all year doesn’t get biased. The only thing not considered for it? The things I haven’t seen, because in order to be considered, I have to have seen it, you know?)

Anyway. If you are local, you need to get over to my theater (it’s Albany Civic Theater, we’re at the end of 787, check out the website for directions) and go see The Shape of Things. Four more shows: today at 3 and then three next weekend. If you’re not in the area, read the play or watch the movie, because it’s wonderful and I think you will love it. (OK, disclaimer: if you don’t like shows about how terrible we can be to one another as humans, and about art and deep thinking and manipulation and sex and rough language and such, probably you shouldn’t read/watch it? But if you’re ok with these things if they’re done well, and not just for effect, then it’s for you. Promise. Neil LaBute is a master at what he does.)

But if you’re here, it’s $15 at my theater, it’s live theater, and it’s one of the most brilliant things you’ll ever see on stage. I promise. If there’s an adorable blonde at the box office, tell her Amy from Lucy’s Football sent you. You’re not going to get a DISCOUNT or anything, but she’ll get a kick out of that, I think. She finds this whole blog-thing amusing and also mind-boggling. (Adorable blonde is friend K. who I love more than chocolate.)

Oh, and also, in the audience last night? People were TERRIBLE and POORLY BEHAVED. They were talking through the whole show. One woman was narrating: “Oh! She said that because he LOST WEIGHT!” or “SHE DOESN’T LIKE HER.” Thank you, lady; without you, how would I have known these things? At one point, someone made a poor choice (or, what someone in the audience thought was a poor choice); another audience member said, “FUCK!” loudly, and everyone laughed at her comment, so she was all “durrr hee hee!” at herself. At another point, someone decided she’d had enough of this “sitting” thing people talk about, so she stood in the aisle and talked to her friend. The man next to me sat so splay-legged he was pretty much riding my leg like a Kmart automated quarter-pony. I feel like he should have given me a wet-wipe and $50 when he was done with me.

THESE THINGS ALL HAPPENED WHILE ACTING WAS HAPPENING ON THE STAGE.

K. and A. and I just kept looking at each other in horror. When did shit like this start being ok? Why do people think the theater is a bowling alley or their living room or something? The actors can HEAR you. They can hear you talking while they are trying to act, you assholes. SHUT UP. I know. I know we need their money. I KNOW THIS. But also, common courtesy? No? Please? THOSE ARE HUMANS ON THE STAGE. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Anyway. It was amazing; the final moment of the show shocked me into tears (and I know the show. I KNEW IT WAS COMING.) It was a brilliant, amazing, surprising, risk-taking night of theater. K. and A. and I immediately leapt to our feet to give them a standing ovation at curtain call (the rest of that asshole audience, for the most part, sat right there on their asses and clapped in a bored fashion. I HATE YOU I HATE YOU.) I wish you all could be there.

Ooh, look what I found, the director made a trailer for it. He’s a smartie, that one. Here here here, it’s as close as you all can get without being there:

(I also got some potentially very exciting news, which you don’t get to share for bit. The chickens are a little closer to being counted. That’s all I can say for now.)

Supposed to have been in bed ten minutes ago. Have to go, cupcakes. Long day of work tomorrow, then seeing friend C. for the first time in months tomorrow night, then I get a NIGHT to MYSELF and a DAY OFF. Have to finish this, write one email, then off I go to sleep. I hope. Oh, sleep. How I miss you.

Happy Sunday. Watch out for sword-canes! They are always where you least expect them and then you’ll get stabbed in the face-area.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

34 responses to “…and I’ll no longer be a Capulet. Or a Juliet, actually.

  • sj

    So, we don’t have a sword cane, but WE DO have Lucius Malfoy’s wand cane, which is pretty effing awesome. It has a snake head. I <3 it so hard.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Bunnies..! Why did it have to be bunnies? (Ok, badly paraphrased, but I couldn’t resist.)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! I love that. I need to watch that again, it’s been way too long!

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Dammit, I meant to post some more comments than that one, but life got in the way and I forgot. And now I can’t remember what they were. Something about sword canes perhaps? Sword canes, sword canes.. Nope, got nothing. Sorry.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          OMG I NEED YOU AND I WAS JUST WISHING FOR YOU AND YOU APPEARED LIKE MAGIC.

          Holy hell I have a magic brain I HAVE A MAGIC BRAIN.

          What are you doing up? It’s so early there!

          Like

          • Andreas Heinakroon

            You know, if you lived in Scandinavia or something, I might indulge your quest for magic, but with you living in a part of the world where 40% still believe the earth is 6,000 years old I need to stand straight and steady for science. There’s quite enough of ‘magic’ around already. Sorry.

            (Did you notice that part with me urging you to move to Scandinavia? Or was it too subtle a hint?)

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Aw! That was an EXCELLENT hint! Well-played! (I doubt I’d ever move that far from here, though. Wouldn’t I miss it here so much? I love it here!)

              MY magic isn’t THIS magic. My magic is…inexplicable. It’s not so much DENYING science as it is seeing the magic in what’s actually there. I believe very strongly in science. But also there’s room for what can’t be explained in there…and that’s where the magic lives. Also elsewhere. Everywhere. There’s always magic, if you look hard enough for it. (And sometimes you don’t have to look. Sometimes it just falls in your lap.)

              I did a Google search for the earth being only 6,000 years old and OH MY EYES ANDREAS OH MY EYES. That was BAD. One site said, “We know how old the earth is because God gave us a birth certificate for it, and that birth certificate is called The Bible.”

              I don’t think the reaction they wanted was me giggling hysterically over that, but that’s what they got.

              Like

  • DogsDontPurr

    Regarding the kitty sex change thing: maybe, hopefully, the person was just being silly (or ignorant) and really meant that he wanted to get his cat spayed or neutered. That’s kinda like a sex change, no?

    And regarding the sword/cane: I actually have a couple of them. But I didn’t buy them for the sword, I bought them for their funky/ornate/silly handles. I’ve got one that looks like a gun, and one that is a dragon (sort of like the one you have pictured, but bigger and gaudier.) I have to use a cane all the time, but I hate the boring “old lady” canes. So I’m always looking for something with some spunk, and the sword/cane designs are hilarious…and bonus: there’s a sword!

    But here’s the really silly thing: these “super dangerous” sword/canes are actually illegal to own in California (concealed weapon?). I had to order mine and have them shipped to my Dad in Washington, then have him surreptitiously mail them to me in California.

    And what’s even sillier: a butter knife would be more “super dangerous” than these swords. It’s actually kind of difficult to get these swords out of their cane sheath, and they’re so dull that you’d be better off leaving it in the sheath and just whacking your victim with the cane! Very “James Bond” like. Ha!

    Like

  • Kim McMunn

    Um… the cat surgery is actually a real, medical thing, at least in some cases (can’t say for this particular cat or anything). Basically, some male cats are susceptible to urethral obstruction, and if it happens often enough and bad enough, the vet can recommend P.U. surgery (you can read about it here: http://www.healthypet.com/PetCare/PetCareArticle.aspx?title=Urethral_Obstruction), which some describe as making a boy cat into a girl- they remove the penis, divert the urethra to an different opening, shorten it, and make it less likely to become blocked. This can be a life-saving operation for some cats…. so while it might sound looney-tunes, especially if it was coming from an owner who really didn’t understand what was going on, it could be a real thing…

    OK, back to reading the rest of your post :)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Huh! I had no idea!

      I don’t think that’s what THIS guy wanted…I mean, if this is what he wanted, I think he would have said that, or something LIKE that…but it’s interesting that it’s a real thing!

      Like

    • Heather

      Yep. I was just going to post a comment just like this. Our Rascal almost had to have this very kitty “sex change” because of his continuing problems with urinary infections and blockages. It isn’t REALLY a sex change, but it’s easier to call it that. Thankfully, the special food we give him and the kitty water fountain we bought him seem to be keeping him from getting any more infections.

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        I worry about these kitty sex changes. I feel like they would make the kitties sad and confused about their place in the world, even if they weren’t getting UTIs anymore.

        Like

        • Heather

          When I called it a sex change in front of the vet, she just chuckled and said, “No. He’ll still be a male in every other respect. We don’t change their entire reproductive system.” I could tell she really didn’t like me calling it a sex change. Haha!

          Like

  • becomingcliche

    Here’s to excellent and affordable theater!

    Do you think Santa makes sword canes? I’d like one for Christmas.

    Like

  • lgalaviz

    I’m confused about the stripper juice bar. Is it freshly squeezed? Do they have blenders there, like a Jamba Juice?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I bet it’s terrible juice. No one’s there for the juice. Unless it’s EUPHEMISTIC juice. Ken would have to tell us about the use of euphemisms in a stripper juice bar. That’s why I keep him around. That, and the bon vivantery. And the hats.

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    I wonder if Jamba Juice would make a good name for a stripper juice bar.

    Like

  • lgalaviz

    Why don’t they have stripper coffee shops? Wouldn’t that make more sense? Can you sell coffee naked? You might have to wear a thong and pasties, I’m thinking.

    Like

  • lgalaviz

    I’m going to see if I can find your blog by googling the dangers inherent in running an espresso machine naked.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I don’t think that’d end well. Isn’t there like hot foamy steam or something? Wait, that’s probably cappucino machines. I don’t drink coffee, I don’t know how that works. Anyway – SEVERE BURNS. Strippers with burn scars are much less likely to get good tips, I’d assume.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    This is not a sword cane, but it’s the cane I use when I’m cos-playing:
    http://www.pyramidcollection.com/itemdy00.aspx?T1=P25614&ref=us&site=PC
    I even added some little chains hanging down the base of the claw. It’s pretty bad-ass. But, yeah, if it were a SWORD, too – that would be TOTALLY bad-ass!! ;-)

    Like

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