The time I almost got killed but not really killed at all.

I wrote myself an email called “these are funny things to remember to talk about” and now they don’t seem as funny as they did when I was half-asleep this morning. Huh. Imagine that, something seeming funnier when I’m all sleep-fuzzy. Can’t even fathom.

OK, so the first story is called THE TIME I ALMOST GOT MAULED TO DEATH LAST NIGHT.

So last night I had to work until 11, and then I had to get up super-early to get to work this morning. No, ok, not THAT early, but early enough. Especially since I was at work until 11, then got home and I TOTALLY MEANT to go right to bed but the internet beckoned, and MAN is the internet beckony. Like a mistress. Or in my case a mister, I suppose. Anyway, so I was sleepy when I got home. I parked the car in the secret back lot no one ever uses because the front lot was all full. It’s totally dark and creepytown back there and it’s where the killers live, I’m pretty sure, but luckily I live in a pretty safe place so there aren’t a lot of killers. THAT I KNOW OF. But if there WERE killers, they would TOTALLY make that back lot their home.

No, this isn’t a picture of my actual lot. How the hell would I take a picture in the dark, my phone doesn’t have a flash on it.

So I did some phone-stuff in the car before I got out, and then I opened my car door and then I was getting all my things together like my purse and my phone and my work bag and my lunch bag (I’m like a beast of burden with all of these things, seriously) and so I was all “la la la GETTING MA SHIT TOGETHER” when a very cold THING bashed up against my arm and went “MRPH!” and then I screamed right out loud.

So I jumped three feet in the air (well, that’s kind of an exaggeration, I was in the car, so I just kind of bumped out of my seat a little) and looked over all “well, this is where I get killed” and it was A VERY HAPPY RED DOG.

It kind of looked like this. But redder. And also more awesome.

Now, I was ABOUT to say “the happiest red dog you have ever seen,” but then I thought, that’s a total lie. Because there are two dogs that fit that criteria, and therefore, this dog CANNOT be the happiest red dog you have ever seen, because the happiest red dogs you have ever seen belong to Ken.

Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Happiest red dogs ever. (I stole this from Ken, because one time, he gave me like a free pass to steal from him? I’ve been taking advantage of it ever since. THANK YOU KEN. It’s probably a good thing I don’t live in your Germany. I’d be coming over all the time all “give me a bag of sugar and all your CDs WHAT YOU SAID I COULD STEAL.”)

So, although this dog was SINCERELY HAPPY and SINCERELY RED, it was not the HAPPIEST red dog ever, because, well, just look up. Because that title is TAKEN.

So in about 3 seconds I went from “ZOMG A MONSTER IS ATTACKING ME GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD” to “ZOMG! LOOK AT THE PUPPY!!!” and the dog was wagging his happy tail ALL OVER THE LAND and smiling a doggy-smile and I LOVED HIM SO MUCH.

So I said, “Hello happy red dog! What are you doing all alone here in the middle of the night?” and he sat down and smiled up at me and I made up this WHOLE LIFE IN MY HEAD where I ran off with this happy red dog and adopted him and we had the best time ever, and then a man said, “Come here, Dexter” and happy red dog gave me a look like, “Oh, well, see ya” and bounded off and a scruffy college-looking kid took off with MY NEW DOG. Sigh.

So I COULD HAVE BEEN EATEN BY A SASQUATCH but mostly I met a new friend and his name seems to be Dexter which is a television-serial-killer name so I don’t think that’s appropriate. What do I think is more appropriate? I can’t tell you that. I don’t name animals arbitrarily. I take weeks. I make lists, and then I ask the animal what they think. Right now, you think I am being sarcastic. I am not. Why wouldn’t you involve your animal in its name? That’s ridiculous. Dumbcat’s really real name is a VERY good name, and when I said, “So I think I’m going to name you THE NAME I CANNOT SAY ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE YOU ARE IN WITNESS PROTECTION SO I CALL YOU DUMBCAT,” he blinked wisely and headbutted me, and he didn’t do that with any of the other names that I said to him. So that was his name. IS his name. REMAINS his name. It’s the name I call him when we’re home alone. (Along with things like Tater, and many other things, because he is a cat of a billion names.) Also, when I named my other cat, I read her a very long list of names, and when I got to her name, she MEOWED. She totally picked her own name. I think we should take things more seriously like naming. Especially when it comes to animals, who are superior to humans in almost every way.

Oh, this is getting kind of long and I didn’t even tell you the other things that were on my list of things to talk about that weren’t even all that funny. I really liked that red dog. I want a dog. Why don’t I have a dog yet? Oh, because I don’t have time for a dog and that would be unfair to a pet. That’s right. I’m a responsible human, I forgot. I don’t want a little red dog, anyway. I want a pit bull. Because when I worked at the shelter they won me over and are my favorite breed. (I will always love beagles, but I want to own a pit.)

My most beloved pit in the world looked just like this, and looking at this makes me have tears. I miss him so much.

OK, let’s see. Well, in news of “I have the sense of humor of a child,” the fire station next to me is having this fundraising dinner and they were putting up a sign and they were only halfway done putting up the sign so there was this guy putting up the letters and all it said outside the fire station was “PORK” all big. Hee! PORK. So that made me laugh, thinking of what they might be doing inside that fire station. Porking, I guess. Later when I drove by they’d finished the sign so it said “Pork Dinner” and had all the details so it wasn’t funny at all anymore.

Someone trademarked this, so don’t you go stealing Pork 101. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Hee. Pork. Pork at the fire station.

Oh, and and AND, there was a man standing at the bus station talking to himself SO VIOLENTLY and that made me super-sad. But he also seemed to really be enjoying the conversation? Like, he was using his HANDS and he was being all VIBRANT and he had VERY WIDE EYES so I thought, “that can’t be that bad, he seems to be having a good time” and then I thought, “oh, shit, using his hands, wide eyes, I TALK TO MYSELF ALL THE TIME, this is my future THIS IS MY FUTURE” and then I was the saddest all over again. But probably I won’t be a guy who looks like Santa Claus at the bus stop on Central Avenue.  At least I don’t THINK I will. I guess anything could happen, it’s a weird world. One never knows.

There. Those are the things I wanted to tell you in the middle of the night on a Thursday which in your world is a Sunday because I am trying to be proactive before I go to bed and get up early for another day of work tomorrow SIGH SIGH SIGH.

Also, I want a happy dog. I so want a happy dog. Dumbcat says to tell you, “No dogz becuase they maek me skeered and also HIED!” but I think he’d get used to it. Eventually. He’ll have to, I mean, once I get a DOG. Also another cat. And some fish. And a frog. And then I have a whole menagerie up in here and all will be well in Amy-land.

HAPPY SUNDAY! Oh, today, I am doing that fancy theater thing? Where I am fancy and talk in front of people with my whole mouth? And I am, probably as you read this, TERRIFIED AS ALL HELL. Gulp. Send good thoughts. ALL the good thoughts. I’m probably hiding in the pots and pans cupboard at the moment, so think them hard, they have to make it through the wood paneling and such.

Heh. Wood.

Heh. Pork.



About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

6 responses to “The time I almost got killed but not really killed at all.

  • sj

    You are going to be the most amazing today, I know it. [hugs]

    Also, I thought I was the only one who had intricate fantasies in the space of 30 seconds? I’m sorry your new dog actually had an owner that gave him a stupid name.


  • lahikmajoe

    Those are some happy red dogs. Dexter might be very happy, but no matter what level of happiness he attains, he can only achieve ‘third happiest dog’ status.

    I suppose that wouldn’t be so bad, would it?


  • Heather


    I have a very hard time watching Toy Story because I giggle every time someone says Buzz or Woody…especially if they’re said TOGETHER. Hahaha!

    My mom and I giggle like school girls when we watch HGTV, too. “He said ‘nail.'” “He said ‘screw.'” “He said ‘pound.'”



    • lucysfootball

      I tried to respond to this a billion times today but the internet was being a huge jerk and wouldn’t let me. Grumble.

      I love that I’m not alone in giggling over euphemism-usage. YAY!


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