I find dolls terrifying.
I don’t think they’re cute or funny or a good toy for children at all. Stuffed animals are fine. I like stuffed animals. I might own a few more than a grown woman should. They are puffy and harmless and soft and most likely won’t kill you when you sleep. Notice the “most likely” there. I don’t rule anything out in the world.
But dolls are terrible. Dolls have dead, dead eyes and are not at all soft or puffy. They have hard faces and they could come to life when you are sleeping and strangle you with their scary hands and they could talk with their scary plastic mouths. Whenever I mention dolls, my beloved Elaine sends me this link. THIS DOES NOT MAKE MY DOLL PHOBIA ANY BETTER, ELAINE.
Then you think about all the horrible dolls on television and in the movies that want to eat your face like:
Chucky, who was a lot scarier before the movies got weird and campy, and…
Talky Tina, who was going to kill you (ugh, this doll terrifies me) and…
The effing clown-doll in Poltergeist. WHY DID THESE CHILDREN EVEN HAVE THIS TOY? What kind of parents would give their children a toy like this? AND THEN KEEP IT IN THEIR BEDROOM WHERE IT CAN EAT THEIR FACES AND SOULS AS THEY SLEEP?
Anyway, a couple days ago I found out a very terrifying doll-story. WORSE than the dolls above, you guys. SO MUCH WORSE. And I didn’t know it even EXISTED until recently and I kind of wish I didn’t know it, to be honest, because it is utterly horrifying, and possibly worse than that clip above of Jane Fonda getting eaten by dolls with chompy teeth.
Why is it worse? BECAUSE APPARENTLY IT IS REAL LIFE TRUE TALES. *gulp*
This is Robert “Gene” Otto. He was born in 1900 in Key West to a rich and artsy family. Their house was like an artists’ colony so I assume everyone was all high-strung and there was a lot of sex and people were talking about things like “this room has the best light” and “I NEED MORE CERULEAN! STOP STEALING MY CERULEAN!” all the time. I guess that’d be ok in small doses.
When Robert was 4, his nanny made him a doll. Some people say it was because she liked him; some people say it’s because she was putting a curse on the kid because his mother had fired her for performing black magic. She apparently wanted it to be VERY LIFELIKE: she put ROBERT’S OWN HAIR on the doll. Well, that’s not at all creepy and terrifying and voodoo-like. Are you ready to see the doll? Sure you are. (No, you’re not, actually.)
BRUH. This is AWFUL. Look at those DEAD EYES. Who wants to guess what this doll’s name is?
Robert. This doll’s name is also Robert.
But that didn’t sit well with young HUMAN Robert, so he said, “Yo, henceforth you need to be callin’ me Gene, yo, because my DOLL’S name is Robert, and that confuses us, because WE ARE ONE.”
He-Who-Will-From-Now-On-Be-Called-Gene was obsessed with his doll. He brought it with him everywhere. He dressed in a sailor suit all the time so he and his doll were wearing the same clothes. He insisted that a chair be put at the table for Robert the Doll at every meal. And – AND – check these terrifying tidbits of information out from the interwebs:
Oh, well, this isn’t going to end well. THE DOLL TALKS. And it is a VOODOO DOLL. And it MESSES UP THE SILVERWARE.
After the family got freaked out by his behavior, they put the doll in an attic room.
“After numerous occurrences like these, Robert was banished to the turret room in the Victorian-style mansion. Children passing by on their way to school would notice Robert in one window in the morning and having moved to another window in the afternoon— yet he hadn’t been moved by any human who’d claim it.”
Oh, well, that’s not at all nightmare-inducing for those poor children. “What’s wrong, pookie, can’t sleep?” “I FEEL HIS EYES WATCHING ME MOMMY HIS EVIL DEAD BLACK EYESSSSSS!”
So then Gene got married. He became an artist like his parents, and supposedly was pretty good at it, which is nice. However, he wasn’t the best husband. He and his wife fought a lot. And apparently, it wasn’t his fault: it was Robert’s.
“Theirs was an average marriage, oddly punctuated by suddenly volatile behavior from Gene. As always, after each outburst was over, Gene would say, ‘Robert did it.'”
…Robert did what. Robert fought with your wife? No. YOU fought with your wife, and I think you’ve lost your everloving mind.
Unsurprisingly, Mrs. Gene hated that doll. Haaaaaated. Can’t say as I blame her. That’s creepy as hell, yo. So when old Gene kicked the bucket in 1972, Ann locked that doll in a trunk in the attic AND THEN LEFT THE HOUSE. Not even kidding. She took the hell off. She made a new plan, Stan. She hopped on the bus, Gus. She didn’t even look back. See ya, you creepy dead-eyed thing.
“She left Robert in his turret room and rented out the house. A strict provision in the rental agreement stated that Robert must stay in his room and it was strictly adhered to until Anne passed away in 1976, even though the residents actually put Robert in a trunk, then left the trunk in the turret room.”
I don’t know about you, but I’m not renting ANY home where there’s a proviso “you must keep the demonically-possessed doll in ‘his room’ at all times – what do you mean, ‘what demonically-possessed doll,” EVERY HOUSE HAS ONE, I assure you of that!” in the rental agreement.
Eventually, Ann died and the house was sold. That damn trunk of evil was still in it. The child of the owners found Robert the Doll and was all, “YAY NEW DOLL” (nothing I’ve read says she was blind, but I can’t imagine she had SIGHT and was STILL all “yay new doll” because THIS THING IS TERRIFYING WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU) and brought it down to hang with her other dolls.
(Please ignore those typos and grammatical issues. I assure you they are not mine.)
Then all the websites don’t say what happened between the 70s and the 90s, which worries me. I can only assume that means Robert the Doll killed a billion children and ate their souls.
Now Robert the Doll is in the Fort East Martello Museum. According to one of the websites, you’d damn well better not mock him if you see him OR YOU WILL BE CURSED as will your progeny.
“If you choose to visit Robert in the museum and want to take a picture you need to ask politely and do NOT make fun of the doll! If he allows you to take a picture he will tilt his head to the side, if he does not tilt his head and you take a picture anyway bad things happen to not only you but to anyone you were with or family members. The walls in that room of the museum are covered in letters from people asking Robert to please take the curse off, and apologizing for making fun of him.”
TILT HIS HEAD? What the hell is happening here? I’m not visiting anything that is inanimate, yet moves, and has the potential to possibly curse me or family members. TERRIFYING AND TERRIBLE. You couldn’t pay me enough money to visit this museum. NO NO NO.
So if you have kids that are SUPER-ATTACHED to something creepy, it’s probably best you just burn it; burn it with fire. Then bury it. And salt the earth. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned from all the horror stories I’ve read, it’s that these damn things come BACK. And they’re PISSED at you. AND THEY WILL EAT YOUR FACE AND ALSO YOUR SOUL.
Let’s talk about something nice tomorrow, ok? Kittens and rainbows and such? Because seriously. UGH.
November 2nd, 2012 at 12:08 pm
It’s interesting to note that the Voodoo religion has never had any Voodoo dolls in its rituals. They just don’t use possession of people by means of effigies.
Instead, the concept of possessive effigies comes from traditional European witchcraft, where they practise the custom of creating effigies of an enemy and then expose it to harm in order to remotely harm the enemy.
Well, I find it interesting anyway.
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November 2nd, 2012 at 10:43 pm
I had no idea! I ALSO find that interesting! You knew I would, right? I think any day I learn a new thing is a win. I like to learn new things EVERY SINGLE DAY. (I usually do. The internet is amazing like that. And I also know some brilliant people. Today I learned about voodoo dolls, what Danger Panda was, and probably 43 other things that I’ve already forgotten but will come back to me when I least expect it!)
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November 2nd, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Also, isn’t it funny how this post of yours sort of relates to my last post on the uncanny valley? Ok, not funny hahah, but funny weird.
What I forgot to mention in my post its that an object that moves rates much worse on the Mori scale. I think it’s because it’s easier to mimic the appearance of a human than to mimic a human movement pattern. This then emphasises the ‘unnatural’ quality of the doll or robot as it moves.
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November 2nd, 2012 at 10:42 pm
Well, SUPPOSEDLY this thing moves. SUPPOSEDLY. I’m sure as hell not going to the Keys to find out. NO NO NOT ME. Ugh.
Psst, everyone go click on Andreas’s blog link over there and read about the uncanny valley. IT IS LUCY’S FOOTBALL APPROVED. Well, by “approved,” it’s creepy as hell, but it’s sciency and I love it so much. Also, “uncanny valley.” Hee!
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November 2nd, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Oh, one thing: was Robert the doll made out of human skin at all?
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November 2nd, 2012 at 10:40 pm
ANDREAS! The articles did not mention THAT! (It made me laugh SO HARD that you asked that. SO SO HARD.)
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November 2nd, 2012 at 3:23 pm
i think you’ll find barbarella was a documentary.
dolls are evil. fact.
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November 2nd, 2012 at 10:38 pm
The minute I found the Robert the Doll story, I thought, “I have got to blog about the link Elaine sent with the CHOMPY DOLL TEETH.”
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November 3rd, 2012 at 3:35 am
best bit in the whole film.
it’s a bit of a mental film. featuring, as it does, an ORGASMATRON!
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November 3rd, 2012 at 8:25 am
Hmm. An Orgasmatron, you say? I have known many who have CLAIMED to be an Orgasmatron, but they were bragging. Unneccessarily. And incorrectly, come to find out. Sigh.
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November 3rd, 2012 at 11:22 am
they used it to ‘torture’ her.
ridiculous film. camp. very camp.
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November 4th, 2012 at 12:55 am
Oh, well, that IS torturey. SO TORTUREY.
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November 4th, 2012 at 2:00 am
i know. it’s a mental film. but a sort of a cult classic.
the dolly teeth bit is actually the only really horrid bit, it’s mostly just daft.
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November 2nd, 2012 at 3:57 pm
I, too, may possibly own more stuffed animals than a fully grown person “should” one. But I say, to heck with “should”! I like my cuddly little critters! (And my husband is so awesome, he even buys MORE for me! ;-)
But,yeah, dolls – creepy.
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November 2nd, 2012 at 10:38 pm
I don’t have any dolls. I think there might be some that wee Amy owned as a child somewhere in my parents’ house, but I sure as hell haven’t brought them with me into my real life. Ugh.
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November 2nd, 2012 at 11:23 pm
WHYYYYY did I not receive any notifications about this post?
Although, Amy – you know I totally heart you, but wtf, babe? WHY DID I READ THIS WHOLE POST IT IS TERRIFYING!
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November 2nd, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Hee! I was terrified. I HAD TO SHARE.
Why no notifications? Also, Heather & Rachael are getting my notifications in espanol now, WTF, WordPress?
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November 3rd, 2012 at 10:27 am
Holy shit. I don’t know why I read this. I hate dolls, too. HATE THEM. And this post did not help. I’m going to say it again: holy shit.
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November 4th, 2012 at 12:55 am
SORRY SORRY! No more dolls for a while. Promise.
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