Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:
It is October. It is my absolute favorite month. It is my birthday month; it is the month that (well, usually) fall finally tips over into winter, with that last dying gasp; it’s Halloween month so there are Halloween specials and such on the television and you know I love scary; and I’ve had all the happy news this month. Well, there’s been some sad, too, of course. But the happy feels even better with the sad mixed in. If it’s all happy all the time, you can’t appreciate it as much. Right? Right.
We had a lot of perplexing things to talk about this month. A lot of lost little wanderers. That makes me both happy and sad. Happy, because, well, this post wouldn’t be awesome without you. Sad because, aw, you’re so lost. SO SO LOST. Poor things. I want to give you a cookie and a glass of milk and pat your little heads. But not the ones who were pervy. I’m not even touching you. NOT EVEN. I don’t know where you’ve been.
In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post. I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the sixteenth one. As you can tell from the title. Sixteenth! Aw, we should give these posts a Sweet Sixteen party or something, they’re ALMOST A WOMAN! Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Cause I’m so literally stuffed with awesome it’s just falling out my various cracks, I suppose. All my cracks.
So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Don’t get all sweaty. It’s not like gym class. I’m dedicated to not letting anything be like gym class ever again, my sweetest skylarks.
Category the First: Strangely precise things in quotes
“are probably totally all disappointed in me because i haven’t been discussing the end of the world and”
“freebie five” rules
“grew back” mustache kiss
“i like being worshipped”
“let’s get married now” craigslist
“sniveling sycophant” computer game
“there’s some one out there who’s sick of her shit”
“well, do you want to come in?”
These are all very quotey. This makes me laugh. And also a little sad.
The first thing is totally a quote from my blog, so I’m not 100% sure why someone put it into Google and searched it and it brought them right BACK to my blog. People perplex me.
“Devonshire tea” is apparently tea taken with scones, clotted cream, and jam. I had this once when I was in England. I was a big fan of the scones. I didn’t drink the tea, though. How it brought people HERE and not to KEN’S blog is confusing, but hi, person who somehow came here and not to Ken’s blog where he actually TALKS about tea because it is his THING. Go click on Ken’s tea blog, it is the wonderfulness.
I don’t know that there are rules for “freebie five” except that it always causes hard feelings on the sitcoms. So unless you have a very good relationship I would say the rules are to not play it? It’s kind of funny in the abstract but kind of hurtful in practice, to be honest. I mean, you’re telling your loved one, “yeah, you’re great, I only want to be with you…unless one of these people come along. Then I want to be with them. OK? Cool, cool.”
I have no idea what a grew back mustache kiss might be. Scratchy? I’m guessing scratchy.
Oh, who DOESN’T like being worshipped? I am like unto A GODDESS. And that’s the way I LIKE it, baby. I mean. Um. Humble humble humble.
If you read something on Craigslist that says “let’s get married now” – DO NOT. That’s a murderer-killer.
The sniveling sycophant game is Sleuth which I talked about here. It is fun and I need to find it again and install it on my laptop so my friends can kill each other off again.
I think the “sick of her shit” quote is something like “no matter how hot she is, there’s someone out there’s who’s sick of her shit.” Which is kind of the worst, let’s not talk about that anymore.
Yes. Yes, I want to come in. Sure. Do you have baked goods? I do so like baked goods.
Category the Second: No. What? No.
beastiality boar stories
Here’s a story. Ready? I’m good at stories. Once upon a time a weirdo who liked to fuck animals tried to have sex with a wildschweine and it GORED HIM TO DEATH WITH ITS TUSKS. The end. Turn you on? Yeah, it probably did. You worry me to death, you really do. (Also, it’s spelled “bestiality” not “beastiality.” You can remember that because it has “best” in it and OBVIOUSLY, YOU think it’s the best, you effing weirdo.)
Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser
apron on fire
barbie boo poop (Three people wanted this. Three!)
big bird stalker
letter to a fat girl
rac tube sexe pipe maggie simpson
A lot of people searched for “apron on fire” this month and I am confused. Don’t set your apron on fire because then you’ll have to stop, drop and roll.
Three people wanted “Barbie boo poop” and I don’t know what that means. What the hell? No, shush, I don’t really want to know.
Does Big Bird have a stalker, or is Big Bird a stalker? Either way, weird.
I would assume a letter to a fat girl would be written like a letter to a thin girl, or a medium-sized girl. As they are ALL GIRLS. Size has nothing to do with the reading or writing of letters.
I don’t want to think too hard about the last one. It’s…um…yeah. No.
Category the Fourth: A thing for Andreas!
Andreas LIVES on Finnish islands! This question is MADE for him! Aw, I love that. This is like a collaborative blog. That makes me happy. I totally told someone today that, depending on the outcome of the elections here next month, I might be moving to Finland. I’m moving in with you, Andreas. That’s cool, right? I’ll be free child care and stuff. I can teach the kiddos the best English. They would LOVE me. What? That ISN’T cool? SHEESH ANDREAS FINE.
Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh.
too many people in a van
this little piggy went to the bowels of hell
stop putting rubbish in my letterbox
big bird in the crucible
human sex act, accurate diagram
scorchy the movie feather shirt
How many, exactly, is too many people for a van, I wonder? Oh, off-topic, but a clown started following me on Twitter tonight. I couldn’t be more horrified. He/she/it signs all his/her/its tweets “Le Clown.” NO NO NO NO STOP NO. sj, you follow this person. WHY DO YOU FOLLOW A CLOWN PERSON.
Hee! That’s a very pessimistic statement about a little piggy, my friend. I hope you’re ok.
“Stop putting rubbish in my letterbox” is so very proper and so very British and I love it a lot, except I don’t like that you’re getting garbage put in your mailbox. Sorry about that, dude. One time, Ken blogged about poo being put in German mailboxes. I think it was one of his first posts I read. I realized then: this guy, he’s got some whimsy in him. Keep an eye on this guy. He might be good people. (I like when I’m right. I was SO SO RIGHT.)
What is this Big Bird thing this month? Is it because Romney said he was going to cut PBS funding? I don’t know that Sesame Street ever did The Crucible. It’s pretty heavy stuff for puppets. What with the devil worship and the sex and the killing and the possession and all.
Aw, I’m not posting an accurate diagram of the sex act for you, puppy. It makes me sad you can’t figure that out on your own. You could look at porn. The internet’s for porn, you know. I learned that in a musical. And musicals always tell us the truth. One time I watched this Learning Channel special that showed sex from the INSIDE. It was FASCINATING. They put a camera in some woman’s cooch and you totally got to watch what happened. It was less “pervy” and more “sciency.” I was totally entranced. (Also, you know what makes me laugh? The idea of an INACCURATE sex diagram. What, are they putting it in the lady’s ear, or something?)
KINKYSEXPEOPLE is the name of my next band. I say my next band because Elaine and I are making a band called Sex Scarves soon, so it’ll have to be after that one breaks up. Who wants to be in KINKYSEXPEOPLE with me? (BTW, guess who’s hanging out in really real life as we SPEAK? KEN AND ELAINE ARE. I’m not jealous. NO NOT ME. Fine. I’m totally the most jealous of ALL THE PEOPLE IN ALL THE LAND YOU GUYS.)
There’s a movie? Called Scorchy? There’s a feather shirt? What’s happening?
Category the Sixth: Things I am happy to help you with
haunted planet book
sneaky fucker strategy 5
when you’re sad or under a curse
Someone else was searching for that terrible Haunted Planet book! I think that might have warped a whole generation of us.
FIVE SNEAKY FUCKER PEOPLE! YAY HI TO YOU!
The actual lyric is “When you feel sad…or under a curse…your life is bad…your prospects are worse…your wife is sighing, crying, and your olive tree is dying…” and it is from “All for the Best” from Godspell. Which is a very good musical. I also love “By My Side” and it makes me cry. But “All for the Best” makes me happy when I am all “MY LIFE IS SUCK!” and makes me think things aren’t so bad, after all. It’s a very joyous song. (Just for the record: Jesus Christ Superstar is better than Godspell. And Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat falls somewhere between the two. I strangely love religious musicals.)
Category the Seventh: Very long things that confuse me
i think someone is just jelly of the karma i got from my first post after you spend hours of your life thinking up crap to post on reddit. you are the karma whore here not me
prince darko appears to be offline and will receive your messages after signing in. roland adu: cxbfsdwf yrg vdreroland adu: gdvdf drivers gg no one answered the call. buzz!!!roland adu: geril i love you roland adu: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha roland adu: you fool.
The first one seems like someone is yelling at me. I don’t think you’re in the right place. I don’t use Reddit. And also, “jelly” is a stupid thing to say unless you’re talking about the stuff that goes on bread with peanut butter, homeboy. Or girl. Or whatever you are. Hee, “karma whore.”
The second thing…I don’t know. A transcript from an RPG, maybe? It looks like someone named Roland Adu is in love with someone named Prince Darko or maybe someone named Geril? It is quite perplexing. And also Roland Adu seems to be talking to himself. And laughing to himself. I think Roland Adu might be insane. Is Prince Darko Donnie Darko all grown up? And who pasted this into the Google search box, anyway?
Category the Eighth: This didn’t…come out like you wanted, I don’t think.
fist radio created
I know you WANTED to say “first radio” but “fist radio” brings this to a very dark place. A VERY dark place. And also made me laugh. Sorry. I have a very juvenile sense of humor. Also, the internet tells me it’s around the late 1800’s, ish. It’s debatable, everyone wants to say they were the first one to make/use radio, I guess, much like television.
Category the Ninth: Famous people
anastasiya shpagina 104
ben wyatt as batman 4
zak bagans 56
girl gets plastic surgery to look like anime character 28
So. 104 people – ONE HUNDRED FOUR PEOPLE – found this blog by searching for that Barbie girl. Only 28 for the anime girl, which is kind of sad. Sorry, anime girl, if my blog is any indication, you’re just not as cool. Coming in second: the ghost douche. then Ben Wyatt. Then someone wanting to know about “Arnett McMillan” and when I did research that’s some anime character I’ve never mentioned here? That’s strange.
Category the Tenth: A thing that will make Ken stabby
celebs drinking bubble tea
I don’t think Ken approves of bubble tea. I know I don’t, I think it would make you choke, sucking projectiles up a straw into your blowhole. Here, wait, I’m going to guess what Ken would say about this. He can tell us if I’m right or not. “There’s very little TEA in bubble tea. It shouldn’t actually be CALLED tea.” How’d I do, Ken?
Category the Eleventh: Awesome things
ee cummings tattoos
famous bearded men in history
monroe meme silas weir mitchell
sherlock season 3
I’ve been doing a lot of research into word-tattoos because that’s what I want my next tattoo to be. e.e. cummings tattoos are honestly leading the pack. How did you know that, searcher? Did I mention that? OR ARE YOU STALKING ME?
“Famous bearded men in history.” Are you writing a paper? Can I read it when you’re done? Is Ken in the paper? Can he be? He’s bearded AND he’s famous. Therefore, he’s a perfect fit, yo. You can totally use the Bon Vivant stories as source material if you want.
There’s a Monroe MEME? I am so far behind on my Grimm that I am sadface. But I sure do love my Monroe. Sigh.
NINJA PILLS! They increase your stealth-factor by like a billion.
SHERLOCK SEASON THREE! This cannot come soon enough, seriously. My friends are so tired of me talking about this with them that they probably want to stab me in my mouthplace.
Category the Twelfth: Aw, babe. AW, BABE.
the future is bleak we shouldn’t have children
fuck you for infecting my body
hang myself when sleepy
i cut my finger off working under the table i can’t pay the bills
i don’t know what to believe anymore
i miss you phil
please picked me I was thinking
OK. Listen. I don’t have children. I will probably never have children. Because of REASONS. Which I do not SHARE here. But is one of those reasons because I think the future is too bleak to bring children into it? No. Don’t be silly. I think children are lovely and wonderful, and The Nephew is, without a doubt or a bit of sarcasm, my absolute favorite human in all the world and he makes my heart explode out of my chest with happiness. There are a billion reasons not to have children – become one of my nearest and dearest and I’ll enumerate them for you, although as I get older, there’s this TICKING, what is this TICKING, oh, my biological clock, you say? Well, THAT’S inconvenient, shush, you – but the state of the world is not one of them. Children are wonderful and they make me smile, and my heart is cold and dead, so you KNOW they’re magical if they can make ME smile.
I don’t know what would lead someone to type “fuck you for infecting my body” into Google. Maybe it’s a song lyric. Is it a song lyric? Oh, please. Please let it be a song lyric. If not…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say other than that.
Maybe if you’re sleepy, don’t try autoerotic asphyxiation? OR DON’T TRY IT EVER. Sheesh.
Get out from under that table. It’s dark under there. Of course you cut off your finger! No, seriously, this is very sad and I feel terrible for you. I hear crap like this all day long at work because we answer for a bunch of lawyers. The world’s a sad place, my little blueberry tartlets.
I don’t know what to believe anymore, either, but I find something new every day and I cling to that for about 24 hours. It keeps me going. Sometimes it’s penguins, sometimes it’s a new science fact, sometimes it’s something The Nephew has said, sometimes it’s an unexpected kindness. On bad days, I recommend that. It can’t hurt, anyway.
Phil from The Amazing Race, or just any Phil? I’m sorry you miss Phil. I hope he misses you back. Have you tried calling Phil to see if he feels the same way?
Those are some weird tense issues in that last sentence, but we all want to be picked. I get it. I do. I hope you were picked, eventually, my friend. I think you will be. I truly do. Sometimes you have to be really, really patient. Like, almost 40 years patient. I know. That seems interminable. And it kind of is. But it’s worth it, in the end. I promise.
Category the Thirteenth: A very broad category.
hot men in the world
There are…a lot of them. A LOT. I see them EVERY DAMN DAY. I get a new crush like EVERY TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. Some fade. Some last forEVER. Men are PRETTY, yo. I like their hands and their eyes and their smiles and their laughter and the way they smell and the way they lean. I am very pro-men. They make me all annoying giggly girl if they do their thing right. Yes. I know. ME. They make practical ol’ ME all annoying giggly girl. It’s VERY WORRISOME. What’s “right,” you ask? Depends on what I want that day. I’m easily amused. So, I don’t know what to tell you, poor lost searcher, other than, yes. Yes, there are a LOT of hot men in the world. Have fun enjoying them. Have SO much fun. Every last bit of it. (And, top secret tip from me to you? Sometimes the hottest men are the ones who aren’t traditionally hot. It is TRUE. I promise. That’s years of experience from me to you. Just sharing.)
Category the Fourteenth: Is this an icky sex fetish thing? What is wrong with you people?
Seven different people found my blog this month searching for pantyhose, and this worries the bejeebers out of me. STOP IT. Pantyhose aren’t sexy. They’re bindy, constricty, and terrible. No one likes these. Just stop. I’m less icked out by your wildschweine thing than I am about your pantyhose thing. THEY ARE THE WORST.
Category the Fifteenth: Yes. It is. It is very sad. This is a weird search.
river phoenix died, it is really sad.
It IS very sad. It was sad when it happened, and it’s STILL sad. And this search phrase, as grammatically correct with the punctuation and all as it is (although I’d have used a semicolon) is just bizarre. (SIDE NOTE! We get a lot of calls from people who’ve named their children weird things at work like His’tore. I’m not kidding. That’s pronounced History, in case you’re wondering. Anyway, the other day, one of them told me, “That’s spelled H-I-S-comma-on-the-top-T-O-R-E.” COMMA ON THE TOP YOU GUYS. As opposed to comma on the bottom, which would be His,tore I guess. I like that the apostrophe is now called the “comma on the top.” Then one of my coworkers said a good punctuation mark for a child’s name would be a semicolon, and BAM, now I KNOW what I will name my first child: Tur;tle. Or perhaps Pen;guin. Which combines my love of ANIMALS and my love of PUNCTUATION. And my love of…um…well, my child needing therapy in 5-7 years, I suppose.)
And there you have it! October’s most rousing search terms! I wrote all of this while I was supposed to be doing the lights for my show. I know. I KNOW. I really have no one to blame but myself if someone’s in a blackout, now do I? I should really pay more attention. Lights went up 5 minutes ago. I’m working on Assassins. I AM WORKING ON ASSASSINS. Deep breaths, Amy. Deep old breaths.
Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches.
(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)