If this isn’t the very definition of the Cone of Uncertainty, I don’t know what is.

It’s Monday. You know what you all need on Monday? You’re all cranky-faced and going back to work and stomp stomp STOMP.

Well! I’ve got you covered, my most favorite internettians. You know what your Monday needs? Sex.

Yep. All the sex. All the sexiest sex that ever sexed. I’m quite good at this. This is going to be totally titillating. We don’t have NEAR enough sex here on the blog. Ding Dong Joe gets all out-of-sorts, which I assume makes him a very bad roommate for poor Ken. (Oh, you didn’t know Ding Dong Joe lives with Ken? Yep. He sleeps on Ken’s couch, and I think probably also eats all of Ken’s cheese and never buys more, and invites over his friends and they have loud parties so Ken can’t sleep. I would assume he’s a very bad houseguest. I mean, it’s Ding Dong Joe, you just KNOW he’s not polite. But Ken’s VERY polite so he doesn’t feel like he can just ask him to LEAVE. That would be so RUDE and un-Ken-like, right?)

This all came about because I was trying to find this thing I saw one time but I thought I must have been imagining it. It was the oddest vibrator ever. (Well, I suppose it still is.) It looked like one of those touch-lights that you see on the infomercials and was the least sexiest thing ever. I FINALLY found it on this random “worst sex toys ever” site. And it didn’t really look like a touch-light. It looks like a silicone funnel. Or one of the coffee filters for my mom’s little one-pot coffee-maker. And I can’t even imagine it’s a good idea. Here. Look. Oh, wait. Probably this post isn’t safe for work. I’m going to show you A SEX TOY. And later I’m going to use the word PENIS. (Ding Dong Joe is SO EXCITED right now. Sigh.)

It kind of looks like this…

…and kind of like these.

Ready? Ready for the most perplexing vibrator ever?

Um. I don’t…this looks like my silicone muffin pan.

And here’s a picture of a very unenthustiastic British man with the cone. I like the look on his face. It’s all, “meh, it’s a cone, you can rub up on it if you want, I don’t care.” Also, he has a very loud sports jacket. And his hair looks like a crooked wig.

Where is this “As Seen on TV?” I bet England. England used to have the most naughty TV. It was the best.

If you go to the website, you can see various positions you can contort yourself in to USE this terrible excuse for a vibrator. They are called things like “the cone dog” and “the bed wiggle” and they made me sad in my soul. If you’re thinking about not falling off the bed, you’re probably not relaxed enough to enjoy yourself. Just a thought.

Anyway, in my internet search for this weird thing which I thought maybe I’d made up in my head, I found some really stellar Cosmo sex tips that just happened to be on one of the same pages of search results. Some SUPER-SEXY SEARCH RESULTS.

Listen, I don’t remember Cosmo giving these kind of sex tips when I was an impressionable teen who cared about such things. YES, at one point I was an impressionable teen who cared about such things. I stopped, however. When I realized that they were utter crap and would probably scare more men than they would titillate. I think I probably started reading these at age 16 and realized at age 17 they were bad news. I was a quick learner. Still am, jellybeans.

Anyway, now Cosmo is less about hair-tossing and giggling alluringly and more about…well, being scary. And using strange techniques that I think would send someone screaming from your bedroom, and possibly send them to the ER.

First: 30 Things to Do With a Naked Man.

Huh. Thirty! That’s…um. That’s a lot of things.

I’m not going to talk about all of them, but here are some really good ones that I think you’ll probably want to be using soon.

• Give him an animalistic challenge by having standing sex. Let him hold you up against the wall with your legs wrapped around his lower back. He’ll be in the aggressor role since he’s holding you up with his arms and lower bod. (This is just going to make him tired, and he’s going to drop you. Also, ouch, wall-back. Life isn’t a movie, Cosmo. The sooner you realize that, the better.)
• Steam things up at home by moving outside the bedroom and doing it on top of a sturdy table, kitchen counter, bathroom sink, or hood of a car that’s parked in your garage. (I seriously just had a mental image of the bathroom sink just shearing off the wall and water spouting everywhere and you having to explain this to the plumber. Also, car hoods get denty. You think this is a good idea? Really? I can think of like fifty places to screw that are sexier than this and I don’t even write for Cosmo.)
  

  Sex on a car hood reminds me of that scene in “Natural Born Killers.” Shut up, I love this movie.

• Indulge him with low-maintenance sex (where all he has to do is unzip his fly, if that) by sliding onto his lap in reverse cowgirl position with your hands balanced on his thighs for support. Much like doggie-style, he’ll be able to revel in watching your tush and touching your breasts — but without expending any lower-body energy. (“Tush”? What the hell? Also, why do you have the LAZIEST SIGNIFICANT OTHER EVER??? He can’t even be bothered to move his lower half? Has he suffered a spinal-cord injury? Listen. If I’m giving, you’d better be giving back. Much like life, sex is a tw0-way street. Only with more bodily fluids.)
• Even a plain scarf can make him see stars if you use the right technique. Take a long silk wrap, place it around his main man and the boys, and tie it in a large square knot, leaving about a foot of fabric on either end to hold on to. As you’re riding him, pull on the free ends so that the knot rubs against your clitoris. (So. We have to say “main man” but we can say “clitoris.” Huh. That’s funny. Anyway, I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell’s going on here for the past twenty minutes and I don’t know what the hell. You’re – tying a scarf around his dick, then you’re having sex while there’s a scarf there? I don’t…first, does he want you to do this? Second, this seems logistically faulty. Third, I have to think if you were all hot-and-heavy and you were all “just a minute let me get Nana’s silk scarf so I can TIE A KNOT IN IT AROUND YOUR DONG” he’d be all “um, no, let’s not do that.” Fourth, WHO IS DOING THIS DON’T DO THIS.)
  

  Well, I guess you could use this scarf. It’s already labeled for use and everything.

• Be direct by saying something like “I want to have sex with you.” The straightforward approach is not merely about saving time…(I think you should also say it in a robot-voice. Say this in a robot-voice. Preferably to a stranger. No, seriously. Do it and report back. Let me know how it goes.)
  

  I. Am. Built. To. Pleasure. You.

• Once you’ve launched his rocket in five minutes flat, he’ll be willing to do just about anything for you. (And you will be unsatisfied, frustrated, and bitchy, and possibly want to throw kittens off of porches. Also, “launched his rocket?” Really? There are a lot of euphemisms all up in here. That’ll make Ken happy, I guess.)

In summation: I can also think of 30 Things to Do With a Naked Man; however, they are not this weird, and we are both guaranteed satisfaction. And no one’s using a scarf. WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE SCARF I DON’T EVEN.

OK, this is already way too long, and I have a LOT more to discuss. So TOMORROW, you get MORE SEX. Tomorrow, we’re discussing romance, seduction, and lubricant. Which I know you’ll want to stay tuned for, because how have you gone this long without knowing what Cosmo thinks about all these things? The answer is, YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN BEREFT UTTERLY BEREFT.

You’re welcome, Ding Dong Joe. Happy Monday. Stop eating all of Ken’s cheese, you’re the worst houseguest ever.