Today I woke up to MY FIRST BYLINE IN THE PAPER and I could not be more pleased. 2012 is the year of writing things with my name on them. I don’t know what’s more exciting, the book or the fact that I GOT A BYLINE IN THE PAPER. I know it’s only a theater review and I know it’s only 500 words and I DO NOT CARE. I feel like I got the front page of the New York Times. Listen, since I was a wee Amy, I wanted to write for the paper. So, a very long time, because I haven’t been a wee Amy in a VERY long time. But I always thought, that’s something that OTHER people do. Fancy fancy people. Not AMY people with unruly hair who are too loud and have trouble self-editing. But sometimes things happen that you don’t ever expect, even when you are at your lowest point, and then YOU HAVE A BYLINE IN THE NEWSPAPER.
LOOK LOOK LOOK!!! I’m so having this framed. Perhaps with some glitter.
And in total made-me-glow news, the woman who passed the job along to me – the one person I wanted to like the review more than anyone, because I think she writes some of the fairest reviews in the area, and I admire her a great deal, just called me up to tell me how proud she was of me, and that she loved it, and it’s exactly how she would have done it. And I may or may not have gotten teary. I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM OR DENY THIS.
If you want to pay $2 (I thought it was $1 but I am a LIAR, it is TWO dollars!) and read the whole thing (I am SO SORRY I can’t post it here, but I want to review theater here for the rest of ever so don’t want to copyright-infringe on them or whatever it might be called, I don’t know) you can click here and pay the $2. NO, I don’t get the $2. The paper does. So I guess you’re pumping money into my local economy, and for this I thank you kindly.
So I’m taking tomorrow off to do the freelancey thing, and should be doing it RIGHT NOW, but instead I am blogging and preparing for Amazing-Race time which is really “Amy and sj watch The Amazing Race together on Twitter” and it’s one of my favorite hours of the whole week. Then it’s time for The Good Wife which is like having a deliciously wicked decadent dessert. THEN I will watch The Walking Dead because MY ZOMBIES ARE BACK. Sunday nights make me happier than happy. Shush, I know this is your Tuesday, in Amy-land it’s Sunday night right now. So…yeah, no writing’s getting done tonight. Tomorrow! ALL THE FREELANCING. I promise, freelance people!
Oh oh OH, guess WHAT, so today at work, you know how we answer for that pest-control place? Some woman called in all “there is a dead HAWK in my YARD” so I got her info and she was going on and on and ON about “IT’S GONNA GIVE ME WEST NILE VIRUS” and then this box popped up that I had to refer her to some local conservation place, I don’t remember, so I did, and she was all “what? what’s that number?” and I don’t have the NUMBERS, just the name of the PLACE, so I told her it again, and she was SO PISSY and she’s all “what would YOU do” and I wanted to say, “I’d pick it up with salad tongs and put it in a garbage can and then bring it to my dumpster and then throw away the salad tongs, lady, sheesh, I take care of my OWN business” but I just repeated the thing about the conservation place and she was all “WELL!” (huff huff) “When the ENTIRE STATE OF TEXAS gets WEST NILE VIRUS from this hawk, THAT IS ON YOUR HEAD!”
Holy shit, I just gave the whole state of Texas West Nile Virus. USING MY MIND! If I can do that, why the HELL am I still technically unemployed, barely affording my monthly bills, and not, oh, I don’t know, RUNNING THE WORLD BY NOW?
Also, sorry, people in Texas. I didn’t mean to give you the West Nile Virus. I have some people I really like in the Lone Star State. So I hope you’re all ok, and please don’t sue me using an ambulance-chasey lawyer. I really can’t afford like a medical malpractice lawsuit or something. Unless I pay for it using MY MIND POWERS. Or give everyone on the jury WEST NILE VIRUS. Using my BRAIN.
Oh, quick Dad-story. Then I have to go. Because it’s sj-time, and I can’t be BLOGGING during sj-time. That’s just rude and ill-advised.
Dad: I went to Sam’s Club today. Guess what happened. No. No, really. Guess.
Amy: You bought a huge bag of M&Ms. More M&Ms than anyone would ever ever need.
Dad: You can’t just guess things, you know. You’re probably never going to be right.
Amy: Fine. What happened, Dad?
Dad: I got to the counter with all the things and gave them my card and they said, “No. This card is not valid. IT IS EXPIRED.”
Amy: Was it?
Dad: Have I ever let anything expire in my LIFE?
Amy: No. No, that was a stupid question, wasn’t it.
Dad: So I said, no, I renewed that. But they were NOT having it. They said, “You can pay $45 to renew this now.” BUT I ALREADY PAID IT.
Amy: So what’d you do?
Dad: I said, “THIS IS A GOOD CARD.” So they got scared and said they’d let me have a one-day pass. I said, “I don’t want your stinkin’ one-day pass YOU CAN KEEP YOUR THINGS.” Then we LEFT.
(In the background, you could hear my mom saying “I really wanted some of those things” and sighing sadly.)
Amy: Well, that taught ’em!
Dad: When I got home, I looked it up. Sure enough! I paid that sucker in MARCH. So I called them and they said they were sorry, and the next time I come in, bring the letter that says I paid and they’d reinstate my card.
Amy: Oh. Well, that’s ok, then, I guess?
Dad: NO. It is NOT ok. I’m writing a strongly-worded letter to the COMPANY. And maybe the GOVERNOR. They called me a LIAR. And maybe a THIEF.
Amy: Well, I don’t think…
Dad: NO THEY DID.
Amy: OK. Sorry you were called a liar and maybe a thief at the Sam’s Club. (There is now a loud banging.) What is that noise?
Dad: What noise. (BANG BANG BANG)
Amy: That banging. That very loud banging. What is that very loud banging?
Dad: I don’t hear any banging. (BANG BANG BANG)
Amy: Well, it’s not in MY house. (BANG BANG BANG)
Dad: Oh. I think it’s because I have you on speakerphone.
Amy: Why do you have me on speakerphone?
Dad: I don’t like to hold the phone. I have better things to do with my hands.
Amy: Like what? Building a temporary lean-to? WHAT IS THAT BANGING? (BANG BANG BANG)
Dad: Well, I have the phone on the nightstand. The nightstand that you eat your dinner from.
Amy: The tv tray?
Dad: Yes. That one.
Amy: Why don’t you call it the tv tray?
Dad: I don’t know. I didn’t feel like it. And I was banging a pencil into the nightstand that you eat dinner from.
Amy: And is the phone right near where you were banging the pencil?
Dad: Yeah, right near that.
Amy: So…the “there’s no banging” was you banging a pencil on a tin tray RIGHT NEAR MY EAR?
Dad: I think that was the case. Yes. I think so.
Amy: You could have deafened me. I think I might be deafened.
Dad: Is this like the time I went a little bit off the road and you said “WE COULD HAVE DIED” for like a year?
Amy: Very like that. We could have, you know. Died. I still think of that day and thank my lucky stars I was snatched from the jaws of certain death.
Dad: You are crazier than three monkeys.
Amy: THREE? Whoa. That’s a lot of monkeys.
Dad: It’s certainly more than one or two.
OK, I have got to go. IT IS ALMOST AMAZING RACE TIME. I can’t let my sj down. (We’re both rooting for the same teams. Because they are the BEST teams.)
I HAVE A BYLINE I HAVE A BYLINE.
BTW: Dumbcat is singularly unimpressed and still wants to sleep on my lap like I’m not even a fancy fancy journalist now. THE VERY NERVE.