“It didn’t work. AND IT LOOKED WEIRD.”

One of those “I HAVE AN HOUR TO WRITE THIS I HAVE TO GET TO BED” nights. Job interview early early early tomorrow, work, theater stuff, busy busy, you know the drill. I’m going to be missing from the internet for probably 48 hours or something, it’s going to be kind of terrifying for…well, me. You’ll all be fine. I have blog posts banked. I plan ahead. I’m like the ant preparing for winter. I AM NOT THE GRASSHOPPER!

Ant. But also maybe a lion. Can I also be a lion? Is that allowable in this scenario?

No worries. It’s only a couple days of crazy and then back to…I guess my normal crazy? Things aren’t going back to anything normal anytime soon. Lots going on. Many plans. Many things going on. Attempting to pay the rent and keep my head above water, you know the drill. But but but BUT, I was thinking the other day, you know what I don’t have to do in 2013? What I never have to do again? TAX SEASON. I never, ever have to go through the utter and complete maniac hell of tax season again. And as insane as this is going to sound? That almost makes this shitty past 3 months worth it. This is the time of year for the past 6 years where I’d start dreading January and start stressing out and worrying and thinking “I can’t do that again, I can’t, I just utterly can’t” and this year? I DON’T HAVE TO. Even if I’m still at the answering service working long and weird hours, it isn’t tax season. I can’t even tell you how happy that makes me.

This is going to be me during tax season. SUCK IT HOSERS!

ANYWAY, what are we talking about today? I don’t even know. It’s Sunday? OK, it’s Sunday. I’m in the past, I don’t even know what I’m doing on Sunday right now. Working? I think? Probably? THE FUTURE IS A MYSTERY. Some people might find that fun. I find that worrisome and scary, but then again I’m a planner.

Oh, tomorrow exciting stuff happens! Susie (because she is the awesome) at Insatiable Booksluts set up a blog tour for my book! LOOK HOW PRETTY!

So all next week, there are going to be different blogs all around the blogosphere doing different things related to my book. There will be an interview with me, and me reading my poetry with my MOUTH, and me reading my poetry with my FACE (a NEW poem! One you have not HEARD yet!), and reviews, and a guest post, and some ARTWORK, and many many exciting things. So if you’re not already following Insatiable Booksluts, NOW IS THE TIME. Or follow me on the book of faces where I will post the daily links. Link’s over on the right there. Unless you’re reading this on a reader, or a phone or something. where you can’t see the “follow me on Facebook” link. Then I don’t know what to tell you. Probably you’ll need to get to a computer STAT.

I have no stories for you today. None none none. Too many things on my mind. Last night I had a tossy-turny night full of inability to sleep because of ALL THE THOUGHTS so today I am all at loose ends and all day today I was like, you know, you really should come up with a blog post topic, but it was too busy at work for thinking, and then I was home and I have to get going soon so this is filled with nothingness. Sorry sorry. Too much in my head-area. And I have some more things to do tonight after I finish this. And I was like, “should I make a list?” then I was like “FUCK LISTS” and then I giggled and giggled because me being badass just doesn’t work. I mean, I can TRY, but mostly it’s just laughable. But, seriously, fuck lists. (Shut up, I totally made a list I NEEDED TO MAKE A LIST SO MANY THINGS TO DO BEFORE TOMORROW! It’s one of those I-will-be-gone-for-15-or-16-hours days! In my defense, it was a very short list. A POST-IT list.)

When I did a search for “scattered thoughts” THIS came up. Then I snort-laughed for like a month. HAIR HAIR TALL FLAT MULLETY HAIR!

OK, let’s see. What things do I have to tell you. Oh, I totally watched some of that Hulk Hogan sex tape. What, sometimes things make me curious. Here’s what was the most distressing to me about that sex tape. HULK HOGAN’S HAIR. Seriously, when you’re that bald on top, you don’t let it grow that long in the back. Shave that shit off, dude. It’s embarrassing for everyone.

OMG WHAT IS THIS. This is the best thing ever.

Oh, I wasn’t paying attention to the correct thing on the sex tape? I didn’t care about the sex. Celebrity sex is very seldom all that titillating. Well, the Pamela Anderson sex tape was kind of funny, I suppose, but mostly because I was watching it with someone awesome, and we were giggling the whole time, so it was less creepy and more hilarious. Mostly when I watch these things I think, this is embarrassing. This is just totally embarrassing. Did they want everyone to see this? They couldn’t have possibly wanted everyone to see this. Would YOU want everyone to see your sex tape? No you would not. Or maybe they DID want everyone to see this! That’s even WORSE, who would DO that? So, yeah, pretty much I concentrate on the wrong things in the sex tapes. Which is why I don’t watch them. (SIDE NOTE! When I worked at the video store, we had a John Bobbitt sex tape?

In case you think I’m making this up. Look at the look on Bobbitt’s face. Even HE’S not expecting much from this video. “Eh, whatevs,” Bobbitt says.

Remember him, his wife cut his…um…Bobbitt off? And I didn’t see it, but one of my co-workers did? So I said, “How was that?” and he looked all sad and said, “It didn’t work, Amy. IT DIDN’T WORK. And it LOOKED WEIRD.” And then he walked away shaking his head all ruefully while I giggled at how seriously he was taking it. I don’t know what he was expecting from a video called Frankenpenis.)

Oh, here, here is one more story, which I told to someone last night and I am stealing to tell all of you now that I told him but I’ll edit it a little so it’s not the EXACT same thing because that’d be rudeness. I think he’ll be ok with that. ANYWAY, I was on the phone with Dad last night and there was a knock on the door. “There is someone at the door!” I said. He was all, “hang up, you need both hands.” “Why do I need both hands?” I said. “To fight him off when he tries to murder you! I just laughed and brought the phone downstairs. The whole time Dad’s all “THAT IS A KILLER!” and “DON’T YOU OPEN THAT DOOR!” (IT WASN’T EVEN DARK OUT YET!) and when I opened the door it was the UPS guy with a package from Amazon. (SIDE NOTE: the package said “Call of Duty 4” on it or something and he said, “SOMEONE’S in for a good time tonight!” and I was all, “Um. Someone, maybe. Isn’t me. I don’t have a Playstation. Is that a Playstation game? I don’t even know. Video games confuse me.” and he looked at me like I was insane. If I DID play video games, I don’t think I’d play Call of Duty 4. Isn’t that like a war game? That’d bore me to tears.) So Dad said “WHO WAS IT?!?!?” and when I told him he was like, “Were you expecting that? (side note: I wasn’t) YOU STAY ON THE PHONE WITH ME WHILE YOU OPEN THAT. It’s probably a BOMB. Or WHITE POWDER. Rice! IT IS RICE!” And I said, “Ricin? Probably not ricin. Amazon doesn’t sell ricin” and he was like “YOU WON’T BE SO FLIPPANT WHEN YOU ARE DEAD!” So to assuage his fears I opened it and I laughed and he said, “Are you DEAD?” and I said, “It’s a SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. From C. It isn’t a bomb. I’m FINE.” “Well, you could have been dead,” he said. “YOU NEVER OPEN SURPRISE PRESENTS. That’s how they get you, Amy. THAT IS HOW THEY GET YOU.”

“And you’re done.” Well, that’s just proving Dad’s point, isn’t it?

So, from Amy’s Dad to you: that’s how they get you, my favorite jellybeans. With surprise shipments from Amazon. And rice. (Also, THANK YOU, C.!!!)

OK. This is totally short, but I have to do those things I have to do. This is all I’ve got. NO STORIES. I’ll have more after tomorrow’s shenanigans, I’m sure. Many adventures being had tomorrow. Happy Sunday, all! Good things to you all! NO NOT YOU DING DONG JOE.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

30 responses to ““It didn’t work. AND IT LOOKED WEIRD.”

  • elaine4queen

    i like that your book is doing a tour, even if you are not.

    i wish you were. i wish you even liked the idea. if i wrote a book i would totally david sedaris the hell out of it.


  • 35JupiterDrive

    I never watch sex tapes if I can avoid them because myeyesmyeyes. And also, I have a really good memory for the things I’d like to forget and a terrible memory for the things I’d like to remember. So that would be locked in my brain forever.

    Is it terribly, terribly wrong that now I want to send you rice?


    • lucysfootball

      No rice. It wreaks havoc on my blood sugar. Also no ricin, as it would kill me dead.

      I’ve only ever seen the one. And parts of the Hulk Hogan one, but it was so dark I don’t think it counts. I couldn’t see the sex parts. And some porn, but never for titillation purposes. Only for total mockery purposes. Titles purposely chosen because they would be hilarious, watched with someone with a similarly perverse sense of humor.


  • sj

    HA! ZOMG, my dad was watching some Hulk Hogan action movie from the 90s this weekend where they GAVE HIM HAIR and it wasn’t even BLONDE hair, it was, like, I don’t know…kind of strawberry-y? Anyway, it was hilariously bad, but I could NOT STOP GIGGLING cos I was thinking of him and his pr0n and couldn’t TELL MY DAD WHY I was laughing, so I just let him think it was how horrible the movie was.


  • becomingcliche

    You could totally be an antlion! They’re totally bad! And more fun than grasshoppers, really.

    I love the expression on the flat-top mullet dude’s face. It’s like he’s imagining showing that yearbook photo to his wife in twenty years.

    Congrats on your book tour! I dumped Facebook forever and ever,amen, so link me up when you can! Good luck at your job interview!


    • lucysfootball

      You did? Wow, dumping Facebook is BRAVE!

      You can just check Insatiable Booksluts all week – it is all the fun! And I will try to remember to link – I have to get to writing today’s post. I’ve done so much writing today that I kind of don’t want to write anymore, but I guess I’d better or there won’t be any blogging, now will there? Huh. Dammit.


%d bloggers like this: