It’s like when they dip into the mailbag on TV shows, but here, only AWESOMENESS comes out.

Here we are at…what day is this in you-land. Um. Saturday? Guess what I did last night, then. NO, GUESS. Reviewed my first play for my new review-y gig! I don’t know how it went yet, obviously, because I am writing this from the PAST and I suppose anything could happen, including the apocalypse, but let’s hope it went so, so well. The only problem I foresee is that I have to watch the play, then go home and immediately write the review, and then I have work super-early the next morning and I’m going to be EXHAUSTED, because the review’s due on the editor’s desk (well, in her email, this is 2012 after all) by 1pm Saturday, and I’ll be at work then, so I have no option than to write it the minute I get home. So, I predict sleepy-times this morning. PRE-PLANNED YAWN. Also I was just informed I have a job interview at the crack of dawn Friday morning, so both Friday and Saturday are going to be kind of crazy-town.

So today we have to discuss THINGS I GOT IN THE MAIL. I know that probably sounds really boring but I got some awesome things in the mail. I mean, it’s not all like fiber supplement samples and free mailing labels from the ASPCA or something. Which I also got, but I’m not BLOGGING about THOSE. Sheesh, I’m not the most boring.

So today we have two things to talk about that I got in the mail. One I got a while ago but have been SO LAZY about blogging about and one I got TODAY and want to talk about it or else I’ll totally forget.

The first thing is a thing I WON. I know! I’m a total winner.

A blog I enjoy a great deal is Cannibalistic Nerd. Among other hilarious things, she watches old Super Friends episodes and makes fun of them in this totally fantastic snarky way and it always makes me snort-laugh. Also, sometimes the Super Friends do terrible-bad magic tricks – sorry, “magic tricks” and she attempts to recreate the magic tricks but things happen like shattered glass. It’s a very funny blog. You should all pop on over and give her some love. I learned about it from Jim, who knows about good and funny things. That’s why he’s our Minister of Fly-nance, yo.

Anyway, back in July (see how far behind I am? in my defense, I had some bad shit go down in July) she went to the beach and found the best best BEST thing in one of the gift shops.

Then we were all THAT IS THE BEST THING so she decided to have a giveaway for it. Which I entered, but I wasn’t sure I wasn’t going to win, because I never win ANYTHING. Ever ever ever. BUT I TOTALLY WON!

When it arrived, it was kind of in pieces. Shells don’t hold together in shipping so well, even though it was packaged very carefully.

Yeah, that’s my plaid couch, covered in Dumbcat-fur. And a pillow my grandmother made. And some cat toys on the floor.

But Carrie had kindly included glue in with the gift package, so I could fix my shells and make them one piece again.

Well, I am terrible with do-it-yourself projects. So gluing it together took days, and there may have been some cussing. And at one point, I…well, let’s be honest, I was balancing it to get it to dry in the right position, and I dropped it, and MORE pieces fell off. But I was stubborn, and I prevailed. It’s still kind of tippy and precarious. I don’t know that I did the best job gluing it together. I think it will be fine as long as I never touch it again. And you’re not supposed to touch art, anyway. I learned that the time the security guard tried to kick me out of a museum in Oklahoma because I accidentally brushed up against a sculpture because I was dizzy from driving for three days. I SAID I WAS SORRY, SIR!

And now…three months later (and with MANY apologies for the delay!) here is my MOST WONDERFUL SHELL THINGY PIECE OF ART!

(SIDE NOTE! When Mom and Dad were here this weekend, Mom saw this on my table, and said, “Um…what is…this, here?” and I said “IT IS A MAJOR AWARD THAT I WON!” and she said “Oh, because I was thinking…did she BUY that? And it was worrying me.” I don’t think Mom appreciates the wonder of my major award/piece of art.)

Here is a top view. As you can see, these shells are playing some serious poker. Two of them have Diet Coke to drink. Two do not. They are all smoking FAT CEE-GARS. Made of SHELLS.

Here is a side-view, kind of. Still playing all the poker! Drinking the Diet Coke! I think there might be something more going on here than we see, though. What do you think might be happening UNDER the table?

One of the poker players has a SHIV! Oh, this is BAD NEWS. This guy is NOT on the up-and-up. As Carrie pointed out on her blog, the one with the shiv doesn’t have a Diet Coke, so I think he’s just thirsty. The moral of the story is, if you invite shells over to play poker, make sure all of them have beverages.

The other card-player who doesn’t have a Diet Coke is CHEATING! Oh, this piece of very fancy artwork is FILLED with chicanery.

Look how jaunty these things are. They have a lot of verve. I like that a lot.

Dumbcat was intrigued by the shells for about two seconds. He took a nibble.

Then he got bored and stared off into the middle-distance, dreaming of better days, I guess.

Then he fell asleep like the amazing shell-sculpture wasn’t right there, so as you can see, he’s not much of an art-lover. SHUN THE NON-BELIEVER! SHUNNNN! (This photo is crooked because I kind of dropped the camera while I was taking the photo. Please forgive, I never said I was handy.)

A mighty and MUCH-BELATED thank you to Carrie, who made me a winner and then was very patient while I waited months and months to actually blog about it. My most abject apologies. I love my most prestigious prize/piece of art and it is displayed proudly by the most important thing in my house: my television.

Next: a present from THE LAND OF FINNS!

A while ago, our favorite Science Fellow had a fire. Right after his fire, he was moving from the Isle of Man to FINLAND! and he was driving. But all of his CDs had melted in the fire! And I didn’t like the idea that he was driving for days and days and days with no music. So I made him some mix CDs and I sent them to him. Remember? Because my post office was so confused about the Isle of Man and assured me it didn’t exist? Anyway, I was happy happy HAPPY to do it, because Andreas is most sincerely, without the slightest hint of sarcasm (WHAT? Amy? NO SARCASM? You can DO that? Yes, sometimes I can, I promise) one of my favorite human beings on the face of the whole entire earth. Whether he’s on the Isle of Man or in Finland. I like him just that much. Also, the thought of almost losing him in the fire made me so upset. I can’t even tell you. Oh, and I also sent him red Twizzlers because they don’t have Twizzlers there and Twizzlers are a very good road-trip snack because they get you all hepped up on sugar so you don’t fall asleep, and also they’re delicious and non-messy. Well, they’re not so good if you’re diabetic, I suppose.

Then a few months ago Andreas said, “Amy! I want to send YOU some music! Music that I like!” and I said, “That is the nicest thing ever.” And in my head I said, “How do I deserve friends like this?” and then my heart got all full and I might have gotten all weepy. That’s the rumor, anyway. That’s a thing that happens to me sometimes.

Anyway, TODAY, I went to get the mail and there was a package waiting for me and I like getting packages! And it was from…

The Åland Islands! THE HOME OF ANDREAS!!!

Well, THIS is very exciting!

What was in the package from FINLAND, you ask? Well! I will SHOW you!

FOUR CDs! With the prettiest cover art! One for each season! And the most wonderful notes about each CD explaining the music on each one! Seriously, I just hand-wrote tracks on a piece of paper for his CDs. I wasn’t fancy at ALL. (My printer’s broken, I didn’t have much choice. LOOK HOW PRETTY THESE ARE!)

DVDs of Swedish movies! With MORE notes he wrote about them! They all sound WONDERFUL and I am VERY excited about them. Also, how much do I love the title of the bottom one? A lot, is how much. I will like these because I can listen to people speaking Swedish, which we all know I love because it sounds like fish talking all underwater liquid-fast.

So, I knew about the CDs and the DVDs. But I did NOT know about…


This one is milk chocolate. Which apparently is also “maitosuklaa.” Hee, that’s a funny word.

Ooh, what’s this one?

Roasted salted cashew nuts! How did Andreas know that these are my favorite nuts? He is a smart cookie, that Science Fellow of mine.

Look, on the back, there are all the fancy foreign words, but then also ENGLISH words. This is very bilingual chocolate. It’s for elite people. LIKE ME.

THANK YOU ANDREAS! I am very excited about ALL of this. You are really wonderful and amazing and phenomenal and all good words. And thoughtful. So so thoughtful. I’m so lucky to know you. I will report back to you about what I thought of everything as I watch/listen, I promise. Not HERE, but probably on Twitter or something. Pretend I’m giving you a huge hug. I was kind of in a crap mood this morning but this really helped lighten things up over here.

And this concludes this edition of THINGS I HAVE RECEIVED IN THE MAIL. Stay tuned for FURTHER installments, which might include “the time I got a mis-addressed postcard” and “once I got a granola bar in the mail and everyone said don’t eat that it might be poison but I was really hungry so I ate it anyway and I didn’t even die a little bit.”

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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