Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other.

I’ve let this go FAR too long. And I know what you’re all thinking. AMY! you are thinking. It is ALMOST HALLOWEEN and you are not being HELPFUL! How will I know what to wear for Halloween this year without your very helpful advice?

I know. I’m so sorry, my little pumpkin muffins. I know last year I was all about PLANNING AHEAD and BEING THE MOST HELPFUL and I posted my Halloween costume wrapup like 90 days before Halloween and here were are less than a MONTH before Halloween and I haven’t even THOUGHT about this yet. Please forgive. I’m not even thinking about Halloween yet. I have a billion things in my head and most of them involve working and getting a job and getting enough sleep and such. But I PROMISE, just like the Willie Nelson song that always makes me cry, you, my sweet candy corns, are always on my mind. ALWAYS ON MY MIIIIND!

So let’s see what’s the latest in whore couture this year for Halloween. Will there be slutty cartoon characters? Slutty horror-movie killers? Slutty video-game characters? WE SHALL SEE! (SIDE NOTE! Once, at work, some toolbag was yelling at one of my coworkers about not getting a call back from his doctor, and she said, “we’ll have the doctor call you right back, sir,” and he was all “we shall SEE!” and we said that to each other about everything for months. She’d be all, “I really need to run to the bathroom” and I’d say, all portentous-like, “WE SHALL SEE!” and we’d giggle like morons. You think we don’t make fun of our callers? Wrong, Good-Time Charlie.)

This is a snowy owl. A SEXY snowy owl. Hoo! Hoo! Who’s gonna get syphilis tonight?

This is a wildcat. I’m thinking you want 0% body fat to wear this puppy. Shiny mylar is not very forgiving to being chubby. Also, you know that tail’s all going to drag on the floor and get filthy in about 20 minutes, and how fast can you really get out of this if you want to, say, pee, or hook up with your best friend’s husband on the patio? This one seems ill-advised.

This is the Queen of the Jungle, so I assume she’s supposed to be a lion of some sort? You could see her whole ass in this. This costume is NOT SCREWING AROUND with the ass-revealing. If she…were queen…of the FOREST! everyone would see her bum.

This one’s a Ravishing Peacock. You can tell because it has feathers springing out of her head. It’s also EXCLUSIVELY Party City’s, so don’t you go stealing it. They want you to know they came up with this idea ALL ON THEIR OWN. I don’t think anyone wants to have sex with a peacock. They have totally pecky little beaks.

Because nothing says “random Halloween party hookup” like the Travelocity gnome. If you took off that ridiculous hat she’d just be a server at Oktoberfest, I suppose. So this is a MULTITASKY costume!

This is a sexy toy soldier. You know what makes a man want you? Having you dress as a nutcracker.

If my nurse came into my hospital room dressed like this, I’d be all kinds of freaked out and I’d ask her how sanitary showing that much skin could possibly be. What’s the pickup line you use with this costume? “Bend over and pull down your pants so I can do an anal exam for prostate cancer, you sexy thang?”

LEAST EFFICIENT HANDJOB COSTUME CHOICE EVER.

You know who likes to go swimmin’ with bowlegged wimmin? No one, that’s who. I like that this is on sale. Party City has given up on this costume.

Fish-sex didn’t work out for Tom Hanks in Splash and it’s not going to work out for you here. Also, YOU CAN’T PEE IN THIS COSTUME. Say what I will about those costumes that show your whole coochal area, at least they’re easy-access when you drink too much and have to pee.

This is a sassy maid. I don’t know how sassy you want your maid to be. I think if you gave your employer too much lip, they’d fire you. It’s a tough job market out here, sassy maid. Maybe you ought to get to scrubbing those toilets and stop with the backtalk if you want to pay your rent.

“Cigarettes! Cigarettes! Who wants cigarettes? What? No one? No one smokes anymore? Shit. Um. Blow jobs! Blow jobs! Who wants blow jobs?”

I don’t have much to say about this, other than the model’s pose is HILARIOUS. “Pose broken. No, MORE broken. NO MORE BROKEN. Now look dead. You look bemused. Why do you look bemused? STOP IT. Fine, whatever, I have to go photograph the whorish garden gnome in like five minutes, CLICK. You’re done, go wash that shit off your face.”

“Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god…Ray? Ray, are you listening to me? MY EYES ARE UP HERE, RAY.” Also, you’re not hunting any ghosts in those heels. And are those boots, or pumps with socks? What’s happening down there? What’s that? None of you are looking at her footwear because you can’t look away from her boobs? UGH YOU GUYS!

Halloween is the one night the crazy girl can dress up and get away with being insane and blame it on the costume. “I’m the MAD HATTER! HA HA HA! That’s why I just set your hair on fire! No other reason than that! Want to take me home? I MIGHT NEVER LET YOU LEAVE! HA HA HA I’m KIDDING I’m the MAD HATTER!”

This is a dirty desperado costume. That means she’ll give you the clap.

See, what did I tell you? That Travelocity gnome costume could totally double as an Oktoberfest waitress costume. I don’t think the waitresses at Oktoberfest have their crotches lit up so as to be easily-identified by the menfolks, though.

This is a naughty nerd. I guess that means she’ll tutor you in math and then also let you put your protractor in her rhombus.

I am utterly confused about this situation. Someone help me out here. This is “Terrifying Tina.” What’s terrifying? Her hair color? Her little monster hat? The fact that her dress is two sizes two small?

This is the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz? Only SEXY. Because you know what’s sexy? Screwing a pile of straw. That’s not scratchy on your man-parts at ALL. Scratch. Scratch, scratch. If I only had a brain. Or a condom.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN COSTUME PLANNING! Thank you, Party City. You never fail to amuse me with your offerings. You’re really the best, slutty-costume-wise.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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