If my life is ruled by these stars, I think I need some new stars.

Well, in your world it is Wednesday, but in my world it is MONDAY, and therefore BIRTHDAY. What’s nice about writing these in advance is that I can draaaaag out birthday weekend! Today I slept in like a dead person. Until TEN A.M.! That is very late and I felt extremely decadent. And a little lazy. Maybe the new sleeping pills have finally kicked in! That’s nice. Also I stayed up until almost 2 a.m. which is my own damn fault, I suppose. I was doing things! MANY THINGS!

So today has been lovely, with many many birthday greetings and wishes and such. That’s one of the nicest things about being on social media, the crap-ton of love you get on your birthday. I woke up to so, so many happy birthday wishes. I like that so much. THANK YOU PEOPLE! I am on happy overload. And then sj made me a birthday mix and sent me a birthday surprise, and Kate wrote me a birthday sonnet, and I am just the luckiest woman. So Dumbcat and I are hanging out and relaxing and watching the shiny new TV and it’s a beautiful fall day and all is right in the world. Yay for birthdays!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHINCHILLAS! At least I think these are chinchillas. Either that or super-chubby hamsters.

OK, so listen, I usually don’t pay attention to my horoscope because I think it’s silly and somewhat inaccurate and mostly just for entertainment value, but I like to read my birthday horoscope because it’s longer and more in-depth, and therefore has more opportunity for me to make fun of it, and also be hopeful. I get strangely hopeful about horoscopes, even though I think they’re mostly hokum.

So I’m a Libra. Libras are supposed to be balanced and love all the beautiful things in the world. I’m tippy and I like beautiful things, but also weird ugly things, so I don’t know that I really fit in the Libra mold completely. I do like things to be balanced, though. If things are out of whack I feel all confuzzled and I hate that.

Another website said Libras are “nice to everyone they meet” and I find that kind of the most wrong ever. I don’t like anyone, really.

So, according to my VERY SCIENTIFIC yearly horoscope on this website, here’s what’s ahead for one of the last years of my 30s. Let’s see what’s going to happen to your old friend Lucy’s Football!


You possess a highly creative mind. You are likely quite good with language and/or languages, and you have an unmistakably goofy sense of humor.

Oh, this is flattering. I like this a lot. And it’s TRUE. Win! WIN, horoscope website! I AM TOTALLY GOOFY! Also, I do love all the languages. I don’t know how GOOD at them I am, but I love them kind of the most.

You have a wonderful sense of judgment.

Nope. I make terrible judgment calls on a daily basis. Nothing wonderful about that. BAD CALL WEBSITE.

Although you will entertain some attraction to the mystical, you are largely logical.


You can be a charming conversationalist, making each person you talk to one-on-one feel very special.

Only in type. In person, I don’t think I’m as successful. I get loud. And random. You should specify “via social media,” astrology website.

Although you are capable of much hard work, leisure time is very important to you.

PRECIOUS HOURS OF LEISURE! This makes me laugh.

Who is this NOT applicable to? VAGUE.

You are more decisive than the typical Libra personality. You are creative, witty, and fair-minded.

Aw, I think you’re flirting with me. Are you flirting with me, astrology website?

Famous people born today: Chevy Chase, Matt Damon, Sigourney Weaver, Jesse Jackson, Paul Hogan.

And as you can SEE, we’re totally the same AGE. Give or take thirty-some years.

And as I was informed on Twitter today: R.L. Stine, of Goosebumps fame. Also, that weird kid from Two and a Half Men.


When a Quarter Moon occurs in your Return chart, as it does this year, you are at some sort of a turning point in your life, in terms of personal growth.

You need  to be more specific. When’s this going to happen? I’m going to need to know so I can prepare my outfits, astrologically.

Events that occur this year act as catalysts that get you in touch with some important issues in your emotional life. Your emotions run high, and mood swings or identity crises are possible. There may be some kind of conflict in your life arising from a great urge to do something different. The year ahead promises to be a busy, dynamic, and significant period in your life.

This sounds like I’m going to be bipolar this year. I don’t know if I like this. WORRISOME.

You are able to see your life in terms of the big picture this year, and thus you more easily manage stress and your enthusiasm is natural. Others tend to be helpful and supportive.

Well, that’s a good tendency of others. Thanks, others. I’m glad you tend in that direction. Also, my enthusiasm is ALWAYS natural. I haven’t had it cosmetically enhanced at ALL.

This is totally me at my laptop EVERY DAY. Except I’m usually wearing my pajamas and my hair’s a lot messier than this.

Some form of recognition for your work or for past good deeds may be forthcoming this year. Fortunate circumstances arise from a positive attitude as well as sincere self-expression. Your social life will likely increase and bring you in contact with more influential, powerful, or simply happy and helpful people.  Educational, publishing, freelance, and promotional efforts can thrive this year.

Oh, I do a lot of good deeds. Most of them, I don’t even mention to anyone, because then they’re not as good when people KNOW about them. This is exciting. I also like the publishing and freelance mention. That’s promising. You’re winning more than you’re losing, here, horoscope.

The opportunity to grow through your love and social connections this year is especially strong. You are seeking intensity in love, and are especially aware of the importance of healthy relating and intimacy.

Again, this could be anyone. Who’s NOT seeking “intensity in love?” Who ISN’T “aware of the importance of healthy relating and intimacy?” TOO VAGUE, INTERNET HOROSCOPE.

You could renew and deepen love commitments or social connections. Strong and stimulating–even motivating–attractions to others are likely.

I’m attracted to others all the time. It’s not that it’s LIKELY. It’s HAPPENING. Come on now.

Secret loves or attractions may develop and existing relationships tend to rise to a higher level of insight and understanding.

Ooh, SECRET LOVES! ZOMG, how much do I want a secret love! I will keep him under the couch and feed him gingersnaps and fruit punch.

SECRET love! In the FOREST! Wearing SWEATERS!

Romantic relationships and attractions have a fated quality to them this year.

Fated? Like in Wuthering Heights? Nice. I guess I’ll have to move to the moors.

FATE! Such a cruel mistress.

This could be a year when you fall in love, and this could be with a person, an activity, or a cause! Meeting someone who transforms your life, and more specifically your values and attitude towards love, is possible.

I just want to say for the record that every single year, my yearly horoscope tells me that THIS WILL BE THE YEAR I MEET MY FELLA and it NEVER EVER HAPPENS. So please don’t judge me if I’m taking this with a grain of salt. A big ol’ grain. Like sea salt sized. No one’s transforming my life. I’ve given up on the very idea. Just being honest, here.

All the grains of salt. Every last one of them.

Strong existing relationships are likely to grow and transform in rewarding ways, as you are more open than usual to intensity and passion. Your finances could also improve dramatically this year, generally due to your increased ability to strategize and cut out frivolous expenses.

Um. I just want to say, I haven’t frivolously expensed in months. I think if I were to cut out any further frivolousness I would be living in a cardboard box and eating baked beans cooked over a fire burning in an oil barrel.

I’d be a LADY-hobo. Dumbcat would be my loyal sidekick.

Your ability to concentrate and focus is enhanced this year with Mercury conjunct Saturn in the Solar Return chart. This sometimes suggests a need for solitude when you work, or a year in which you often retreat to work on specific tasks on your own. You might be required to travel for business purposes. It can also indicate that young people in your life are more mature or serious in their approach to life. Thinking in realistic and practical terms is your best bet, and the need for tangible results for your efforts is strong. You can successfully combine imagination and effort this year. A sense that your dreams are realizable is with you, and this stronger faith and acceptance can serve you well.

This entire paragraph is stupid and I’m ignoring it. I always work alone because I live alone, and unless I get a new job, there won’t be any traveling for work. I don’t have any young people in my life, unless you mean The Nephew, and he’s too little to be very serious.

Your social life is likely to bring benefits and opportunities into your life this year, so be especially open to new experiences. Your love life can bring profound discoveries and deep changes. Money improves with strategic planning. 

I think this is a recap. I am ALWAYS open to new experiences. I have no love life, so bring it on, horoscope, BRING IT ON. And shut up about money, I don’t want to talk about that.

2012 is a Number Five year for you. Ruled by Mercury. This is a year of exploration and freedom. It’s a time when exploration and reaching out to others brings opportunities. It’s a good time to advertise and sell. Surprises are in store, and the routine is broken. This is a year when exciting relationships can be formed, or, if you are already in a partnership, new life is breathed into the relationship. Advice – explore, look for adventure, keep your eyes open for opportunities, mingle.

The routine sure has been broken, jellybeans. Also, “a year of exploration and freedom” makes it sound like I’m on walkabout. THE WALKABOUT OF THE MIND.


2013 will be a Number Six year for you. Ruled by Venus. This is a year of relative contentment. It is a time when love is the easiest to attract, and partnerships formed under this vibration have a better chance for longevity. You are able to attract others, and material things as well, this year. This is a good year for establishing harmony in the family and in the home. Advice – develop existing relationships, be positive and receptive because these kinds of energies help you to attract what you desire.

I think I’m going to get LUCKY this year. Look out, I think I need to buy new underwear. Oh, wait, what’s that? These things are bunk? Yeah, that’s right. Well, just in case they’re not: magical 2013 dream-man, I look forward to meeting you next year. I’m pretty sure we will make an excellent team, and plus I promise I will make you laugh daily. I’m quite good at that, whether I mean to, or not. Inadvertent laughs are still good, right? Right. Awesome. Good. Looking forward to it, then.

Yep, this is exactly what my dream-man looks like. White space. Lots and lots of white space.

Happy day, everyone! Look out for your secret lovers and don’t spend money FRIVOLOUSLY!!!!!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

15 responses to “If my life is ruled by these stars, I think I need some new stars.

  • sj

    I LOVE that Sense of Humour Venn Diagram!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN! What? I’mma say it until I’m tired of it.


    Or something.


    • lucysfootball

      I was just having that “we’re going to hell” conversation with BFF the other day. We decided, at least we’ll be going together, if we’re going for laughing at things that should NOT be laughed at.

      Hee, you can say it all year long, if you want. I’ll listen. :)


  • Rosie

    I have a similar relationship with horoscopes: Pretty sure I don’t believe them, but they have some sort of power over my hope glands.


    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Keep it going all month, I say.


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you!

      I know horoscopes are complete bunk…but I have to admit it makes me a little happy when they promise wondrous happenings. Which…well, never happen. But I remain strangely and stubbornly optimistic, somehow.


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Happy Birthday!! (I know, your birthday was Monday, but as SJ and Rosei say, we’re gonna keep this up for a while – why not??)

    October birthday people are awesome – two of my favorite people were born in October: my sister and my husband! And, now, YOU! So,now I know THREE awesome people born in October! :-)

    Glad you had a great day with your folks, and got the shiny new TV working. (And got BONUS Chinese dinner!! You’re dad is the bee’s knees!)


  • blogginglily

    I can’t remember if I wished you a happy birthday. Oh wait, I did. I think.

    I’m also a Libra. Reading this blog post was like looking inside my own brain. Everything. . . spot. on.


    • lucysfootball

      You did! You sang to me on Facebook! It was fantastic! I remember!

      I KNOW you are. I totally have your birthday written down so I don’t forget it. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS. Don’t worry, I will be un-shut-uppable about it come that day.

      Wait, you’re going to meet your secret love in a forest this year? Don’t tell your wife. Or it won’t be secret anymore.


  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    Happy belated birthday! Please don’t get lost in the forest trying to find your secret love.


  • Charleen

    I haven’t looked at horoscopes in YEARS but from what I remember, even though I’m a Gemini, my personality is more like that of a Cancer. So I would always read both horoscopes just in case. (In case of what, I’m not really sure. I don’t know. It made sense at the time.)


  • becomingcliche

    Love is not love unless it involves cable knit at water’s edge.

    And those were definitely chinchillas.


    • lucysfootball

      Whew, I’d be embarrassed if those were obese hamsters.

      Oh, that’s what I’ve been doing wrong? I’m going to go invest in some cable-knit and move somewhere watery. I’d use the Hudson but it smells terrible.


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