Well, we’re a couple days behind on this, but my day of Mom and Dad bon vivantery is over, and it is time for MOM AND DAD BON VIVANTERY DAY RECAP! Mom and Dad have hit the road, Jack, and now it’s just me and Dumbcat and we are RELAXING. Whoo! Don’t ever let anyone tell you bon vivantery is not exhausting, because it IS. SO exhausting.
Well, let’s see. Here’s the breakdown for the day. It was a day of MANY MANY ALL THE THINGS.
My parents were supposed to be here at 11am. So I (as usual) stayed up ULTRA-LATE (it was SATURDAY! I wanted to see Saturday Night Live, because the episode after a debate is usually awesome! It was…well, it wasn’t awesome, but it wasn’t terrible. It was ok. The band was Muse. A thing I learned about Muse? I’m not a fan of theirs. Then BOTH Ken AND Andreas were awake, and that NEVER happens at the same time. How often are two of my favorite people awake on Twitter at the same time? The answer is, never often enough. I’m really terrible at being easily-distracted.) So I rolled all sleepy-eyed out of bed at 9:30 but could have easily slept another hour or so and got all ready and sat down to breakfast and internetting and the phone rang.
“We’ll be there at 10:30,” Mom said. “You’re ready, right?”
Listen, I should have known better. I am always early for everything. I got this from Dad, who has a very strange understanding of when you get places. If, say, something starts at 10, you get there at 9:30. That’s if you know where it is. If you’re not sure where it is, you leave super-early so if you get lost you have a cushion of time. Then you always bring something to do in the car, because you sit around a lot waiting for the thing to start. I’m not this bad – over the years, I’ve taught myself it’s ok to be on time for things – but I am usually early. I can’t beat it out of myself completely. I’m a very timely soul. So if you invite me somewhere, I will probably be early. Or waiting in the parking lot for you to arrive so I don’t look like that weirdo who got somewhere so early. Please don’t judge me too harshly, it’s all Dad’s fault. You can judge him harshly if you want.
I was ready, just a little rushed because I had some things I wanted to do this morning before they got here, but I was super-excited they were coming so I prepared quickly.
THEN THEY WERE HERE! I haven’t seen my parents in months so that was exciting. Instead of presents, since I am poor, this year for my birthday I got gift cards which is just as awesome. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD! They will come in handy and I will do ALL THE SHOPPING with them! Also they gave me a card with touching things written inside. NO you can’t see it.
Dad was all “we are here early because your mother was driving and she drives MUCH TOO FAST” and Mom was like “68. SIXTY-EIGHT. I was driving SIXTY-EIGHT in a SIXTY-FIVE. That is ACCEPTABLE.” And I agree, because that is the exact speed I drive when I am on the highway. I decided a long time ago that the cops probably weren’t going to pull you over for going three miles an hour over the speed limit. Now, when I PASS people I go much faster. I don’t think I should mention how fast I go when I’m passing people. It’s more than 65 and less than…um…90. Because if I go over 90 the car starts shaking. That’s probably more than I should say, I don’t know if the po-po are reading. If they are, HI PO-PO. I NEVER EVER SPEED PROMISE.
Dumbcat was not excited to see his grandparents. He froze low to the ground like he thought no one would see him if he was flat like a pancake. So I picked him up and he was all “MOM! How you did see me frozne flatte like a pancaeke catt?” and was all shocked-face. Then Mom petted him and told him what a good boy he was for killing that bad bad mouse a couple weeks ago and he was shocked into purring, which surprised him. But when I put him down he hid under the bed for the rest of the day. TOO MANY PEOPLE WITH LOUD NOISES AND FEETS!
First we went to Target for NEW TV SHOPPING! We were going to go to Walmart, but Dad did ALL THE RESEARCH ONLINE and he said that Target was having some TV sales. And I like Target better. They’re so cheery! And Walmart is not cheery. Also, Dad used to work at Walmart and he quit because he hated it there, but he tells everyone they fired him, so he’s not much of a fan of Walmart. Although he still shops there. I don’t shop at Walmart unless I don’t have any other options. You know how Ken has a feud with Jeff Goldblum? That’s how I feel about Walmart. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WALMART.
So Dad had this little paper with ALL THE NOTES on it, which made me laugh, and we went to Target and I kept saying, “hey, why don’t you ever buy me Hulk Hands” and “hey, you never buy me the whole Twilight series in hardcover, I guess that means you don’t love me” and “LOOK WE CAN GET HUMAN-SIZED BAGS OF HALLOWEEN CANDY!” until he was all “stop asking for things YOU DON’T EVEN WANT, you hate sparkly vampires and you don’t even eat candy and what the hell are Hulk Hands?” and that made me giggle. Then we went to the WALL OF TELEVISIONS.
Here is a thing I was not aware of about televisions: they are SKINNY now. My televisions are very old. The one in my bedroom is the television my old roommate had in her house growing up; I think it’s from the 80s. It works perfectly. I don’t see the need to get rid of things that work as long as they still work, especially if you were given them for free. The one in the living room is the one that melted down recently (Dad wrestled it to the dumpster for me today, and we quickly dumped it and ran off like thieves in the night because you’re not OFFICIALLY allowed to dump big trash there like televisions but everyone does it. Dad said he thought probably someone will just take it and rip it apart because there’s something in there that’s worth money. “Pirate gold?” I said. “Yes. Yes, Amy, there’s pirate gold in your melted-down broken television. Arr,” Dad said.)
So anyway, newfangled televisions are skinny. They’re meant to be hung on your wall like a picture from the FUTURE. They weigh NOTHING. I don’t know if I trust something that weighs so little. It’s like they’re made of CLOUDS. My old televisions weigh a BILLION POUNDS because they are made of LEAD. Or something, I don’t know. I’m not an electrician.
Dad looked at all the televisions and hemmed and hawed and was all, “Someone reviewed THIS ONE online and said the picture quality was ‘wonky,’ what’s ‘wonky,'” and then he was all “WHERE IS A SALESPERSON SOMETHING IS AFOOT!” (Well, he didn’t say “afoot” but pretend he did, it’s funnier.) So a poor, put-upon salesperson came over and Dad was all, “on your WEBSITE I saw mention of this CERTAIN SALE TELEVISION but I do NOT see it here, has it sold out?” and the poor put-upon salesperson was all “um…let me check” and it was in the back! Dad tried to go in the back room with the guy because I think he wanted to be sure a bait-and-switch wasn’t happening but the guy was all, “wait here, sir.” Then we got my new TV! And it was in a teeny-tiny box and SO SKINNY and Dad was all, “wouldn’t it be funny if we got this home and nothing was in it?” and I said, “no, not overly funny.” And then Dad was SO IMPRESSED because I have a Target Red Card and you get 5% off if you use it. “You use that. YOU USE THAT!” he said. So Dad gave me cash like a secret money-laundering transaction and I bought the television and NEW TV!
Then we decided we’d better get to Joe’s Crab Shack because it was already 11:30 and apparently that place fills up fast and I really wanted to try it and also I wanted seafood SO BADLY because I’ve been eating like a pauper. So we went to Joe’s Crab Shack. It just opened here. When a new chain restaurant opens in my area people go crazy like on that Saturday Night Live skit making fun of Oprah’s Favorite Things where people are eating turkeys with their faces. We had a Krispy Kreme once. When it opened, people were SO INSANE about it that they were getting in ACCIDENTS outside and COPS had to be called in to DIRECT DOUGHNUT TRAFFIC. I am not even kidding. This went on for like a month. In strange news, it ended up closing about a year later because people stopped going. We seem to be very loyal to our Dunkin’ Donuts up here. (To be fair, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is like liquid crack. I’d drink it as my sole beverage if I could. But Krispy Kreme doughnuts, hot from the fryer, were AMAZING. They melted in your mouth. SO SO GOOD.)
There were already a lot of people at Joe’s Crab Shack when we got there. Who eats that early? That’s insane. I eat lunch at like 2pm most days. Or whatever time I have to in order to get to work on time, I suppose.
We learned quickly that it would be terrible to work at Joe’s Crab Shack. Every 45 minutes (or, according to our waitress, every time someone requested it) a strobe-light disco ball goes off, and everyone who works there has to stop what they’re doing and stand around the edges of the restaurant and DANCE. I am not even kidding. THEY FORCE THE EMPLOYEES TO DANCE. Dad and I were HORRIFIED. Mom of course thought it was adorable and whimsical because she lives in a world of rainbow kittens and she was all clapping along, but Dad and I knew those people didn’t want to be doing that and it’s like indentured servitude and it’s EMBARRASSING. Dad asked our waitress, “Do you WANT to do that?” and she said, in this totally rehearsed way, “Oh, yes. I sure do love dancing! Ha. Ha ha.” But with dead, dead eyes. Dad said it reminded him of when he worked at Walmart and they made them do that Walmart cheer at the beginning of their shift. Dad would never do the Walmart cheer. He would hide behind a rack of clothing and scowl instead. He (and I) hate forced cheer. HA-AAAA-TE. Also that disco ball started to give Dad a migraine and that made me feel bad.
So we had delicious seafood (I had crab and shrimp, which were delicious, and some potatoes and sausage and corn, which were less-so) but LISTEN. When you tell someone something is super-spicy I think you should follow through. Don’t tell someone something is spicy when it is not. I know! I know. You tell someone something is spicy and they don’t believe you and then they sue you or something. And that’s annoying. But there are those of us who LOVE spicy. Who WANT things to be spicy. And when they order their order EXTRA-SPICY then it comes out and it’s only kind of meh, they are SAD.
Also, one of the servers had a shirt that said “Bite Me” and Dad was all, “YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WOULD LOVE THAT SHIRT! We should GET you that shirt! You say that ALL THE TIME! Except then you would WEAR it, and I would be EMBARRASSED.” And I had to wear a bib that the server wrote “I went to Joe’s Crab Shack and left with crabs” on it and I said “AREN’T YOU PROUD DAD” and he said, “It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”
Then we went clothes shopping. Well, Mom and I did. Dad took a post-seafood-nap in the car. That’s what he does while we clothes-shop. He is not amused by waiting around while Mom and I try things on. I got TWO pairs of pants and FOUR shirts. Or maybe FIVE but I think FOUR. Impressive, right? They are pretty and Mom was impressed by my shopping prowess. I was, too. Everything I tried on fit, for once! YAY! Mom bought two pairs of shoes because she likes deals and they were THREE DOLLARS. Then we left to go make the TV work and also Dad had to pee and apparently wanted to do that back at my place and not in the restaurant? I don’t know. I can pee pretty much anywhere. I have no pee-shy-issues.
Oh, while we were in the store, a woman walked by us and the counter shook and Mom was all “IS THERE AN EARTHQUAKE?” and the woman was…not thin…and it was SO EMBARRASSING and then Mom got very red in the face and I could not look at her and when she was in the parking lot she was all “I COULD HAVE DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT IN THERE I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THAT WOMAN” so I’m thinking maybe I get a little of my boneheadedness from my mom.
This is a very long post. That’s what happens when there’s bon vivantery.
So then we came home for television making-working-time. This was…not as successful.
Dad gets shouty when things don’t work immediately. The television did not work immediately. There was all the snow in the picture and he couldn’t figure out how to get the DVD player and the VCR (shut up, I refuse to use a DVR) and the cable box working and attached AT THE SAME TIME and then he realized I didn’t have (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!) MULTIPLE cables to hook everything up the way he wanted (do you all have multiple cables just hanging around your homes waiting for the chance to be used? Why would I have these things if I’m not using them?) and he was VERY VERY CRANKY. Much shouting and muttering and stomping and “WHY IS THERE CAT HAIR HERE?” and “I FOUND A PEN ON THE FLOOR THIS HOUSE IS A MESS” and “NO ONE HAS FLASHLIGHTS WITHOUT BATTERIES!” and mostly I just sat there on the couch rolling my eyes and trying not to look at Mom because we were getting the giggles. Randomly the DVD player was making everything black and white, and he didn’t like the colors of the television so he had to mess with that, and grump grump GRUMP and he was all “THIS IS JUNK I THINK WE SHOULD RETURN IT” but we ended up not returning it. All was well, after he went out and got a super-long cable with all the colorful plugs at the end. NO I don’t know what it’s called. Colorful plug-wire-thing. So now I have a NEW TV! Want to see? Sure you do.
Then Dad wanted to hit the road because he hates driving at night and it was TIME TO GO! and then we had all the hugs and they departed for the day and I have been merrily watching my new television and Dad secretly gave me some money so I could buy myself dinner and I had DELICIOUS CHINESE FOOD and I haven’t had that in months and it was WONDERFUL. So it has been a good day. Other than the shoutery. Which really all turned out alright. I didn’t shout back this time, which was a total win.
IT IS MY BIRTHDAY IN THREE HOURS! Well, in your time my birthday is long since come and gone, but in MY time, it has not yet happened! And so far it has been WONDERFUL and it hasn’t even HAPPENED yet! Huzzah!