Bon vivantery report: the bon vivantery level is HIGH today.

Well, we’re a couple days behind on this, but my day of Mom and Dad bon vivantery is over, and it is time for MOM AND DAD BON VIVANTERY DAY RECAP! Mom and Dad have hit the road, Jack, and now it’s just me and Dumbcat and we are RELAXING. Whoo! Don’t ever let anyone tell you bon vivantery is not exhausting, because it IS. SO exhausting.

I am one exhausted kitty.

Well, let’s see. Here’s the breakdown for the day. It was a day of MANY MANY ALL THE THINGS.

My parents were supposed to be here at 11am. So I (as usual) stayed up ULTRA-LATE (it was SATURDAY! I wanted to see Saturday Night Live, because the episode after a debate is usually awesome! It was…well, it wasn’t awesome, but it wasn’t terrible. It was ok. The band was Muse. A thing I learned about Muse? I’m not a fan of theirs. Then BOTH Ken AND Andreas were awake, and that NEVER happens at the same time. How often are two of my favorite people awake on Twitter at the same time? The answer is, never often enough. I’m really terrible at being easily-distracted.) So I rolled all sleepy-eyed out of bed at 9:30 but could have easily slept another hour or so and got all ready and sat down to breakfast and internetting and the phone rang.

SO SLEEPY.

“We’ll be there at 10:30,” Mom said. “You’re ready, right?”

Listen, I should have known better. I am always early for everything. I got this from Dad, who has a very strange understanding of when you get places. If, say, something starts at 10, you get there at 9:30. That’s if you know where it is. If you’re not sure where it is, you leave super-early so if you get lost you have a cushion of time. Then you always bring something to do in the car, because you sit around a lot waiting for the thing to start. I’m not this bad – over the years, I’ve taught myself it’s ok to be on time for things – but I am usually early. I can’t beat it out of myself completely. I’m a very timely soul. So if you invite me somewhere, I will probably be early. Or waiting in the parking lot for you to arrive so I don’t look like that weirdo who got somewhere so early. Please don’t judge me too harshly, it’s all Dad’s fault. You can judge him harshly if you want.

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE HERE? Oh, wait, because I’m 45 minutes early.

I was ready, just a little rushed because I had some things I wanted to do this morning before they got here, but I was super-excited they were coming so I prepared quickly.

THEN THEY WERE HERE! I haven’t seen my parents in months so that was exciting. Instead of presents, since I am poor, this year for my birthday I got gift cards which is just as awesome. THANK YOU MOM AND DAD! They will come in handy and I will do ALL THE SHOPPING with them! Also they gave me a card with touching things written inside. NO you can’t see it.

Dad was all “we are here early because your mother was driving and she drives MUCH TOO FAST” and Mom was like “68. SIXTY-EIGHT. I was driving SIXTY-EIGHT in a SIXTY-FIVE. That is ACCEPTABLE.” And I agree, because that is the exact speed I drive when I am on the highway. I decided a long time ago that the cops probably weren’t going to pull you over for going three miles an hour over the speed limit. Now, when I PASS people I go much faster. I don’t think I should mention how fast I go when I’m passing people. It’s more than 65 and less than…um…90. Because if I go over 90 the car starts shaking. That’s probably more than I should say, I don’t know if the po-po are reading. If they are, HI PO-PO. I NEVER EVER SPEED PROMISE.

OK, lies. I speed a LOT. (I think I was a racecar driver in a previous life.)

Dumbcat was not excited to see his grandparents. He froze low to the ground like he thought no one would see him if he was flat like a pancake. So I picked him up and he was all “MOM! How you did see me frozne flatte like a pancaeke catt?” and was all shocked-face. Then Mom petted him and told him what a good boy he was for killing that bad bad mouse a couple weeks ago and he was shocked into purring, which surprised him. But when I put him down he hid under the bed for the rest of the day. TOO MANY PEOPLE WITH LOUD NOISES AND FEETS!

He has also hidden like this before. He thinks if he can’t see us, we can’t see him. He has no object permanence.

First we went to Target for NEW TV SHOPPING! We were going to go to Walmart, but Dad did ALL THE RESEARCH ONLINE and he said that Target was having some TV sales. And I like Target better. They’re so cheery! And Walmart is not cheery. Also, Dad used to work at Walmart and he quit because he hated it there, but he tells everyone they fired him, so he’s not much of a fan of Walmart. Although he still shops there. I don’t shop at Walmart unless I don’t have any other options. You know how Ken has a feud with Jeff Goldblum? That’s how I feel about Walmart. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, WALMART.

I found this online and I giggled. This person is my kindred spirit.

So Dad had this little paper with ALL THE NOTES on it, which made me laugh, and we went to Target and I kept saying, “hey, why don’t you ever buy me Hulk Hands” and “hey, you never buy me the whole Twilight series in hardcover, I guess that means you don’t love me” and “LOOK WE CAN GET HUMAN-SIZED BAGS OF HALLOWEEN CANDY!” until he was all “stop asking for things YOU DON’T EVEN WANT, you hate sparkly vampires and you don’t even eat candy and what the hell are Hulk Hands?” and that made me giggle. Then we went to the WALL OF TELEVISIONS.

SO MANY TVs!

Here is a thing I was not aware of about televisions: they are SKINNY now. My televisions are very old. The one in my bedroom is the television my old roommate had in her house growing up; I think it’s from the 80s. It works perfectly. I don’t see the need to get rid of things that work as long as they still work, especially if you were given them for free. The one in the living room is the one that melted down recently (Dad wrestled it to the dumpster for me today, and we quickly dumped it and ran off like thieves in the night because you’re not OFFICIALLY allowed to dump big trash there like televisions but everyone does it. Dad said he thought probably someone will just take it and rip it apart because there’s something in there that’s worth money. “Pirate gold?” I said. “Yes. Yes, Amy, there’s pirate gold in your melted-down broken television. Arr,” Dad said.)

The pirate gold would explain why the damn thing was so heavy. Avast, mateys!

So anyway, newfangled televisions are skinny. They’re meant to be hung on your wall like a picture from the FUTURE. They weigh NOTHING. I don’t know if I trust something that weighs so little. It’s like they’re made of CLOUDS. My old televisions weigh a BILLION POUNDS because they are made of LEAD. Or something, I don’t know. I’m not an electrician.

Dad looked at all the televisions and hemmed and hawed and was all, “Someone reviewed THIS ONE online and said the picture quality was ‘wonky,’ what’s ‘wonky,'” and then he was all “WHERE IS A SALESPERSON SOMETHING IS AFOOT!” (Well, he didn’t say “afoot” but pretend he did, it’s funnier.) So a poor, put-upon salesperson came over and Dad was all, “on your WEBSITE I saw mention of this CERTAIN SALE TELEVISION but I do NOT see it here, has it sold out?” and the poor put-upon salesperson was all “um…let me check” and it was in the back! Dad tried to go in the back room with the guy because I think he wanted to be sure a bait-and-switch wasn’t happening but the guy was all, “wait here, sir.” Then we got my new TV! And it was in a teeny-tiny box and SO SKINNY and Dad was all, “wouldn’t it be funny if we got this home and nothing was in it?” and I said, “no, not overly funny.” And then Dad was SO IMPRESSED because I have a Target Red Card and you get 5% off if you use it. “You use that. YOU USE THAT!” he said. So Dad gave me cash like a secret money-laundering transaction and I bought the television and NEW TV!

Then we decided we’d better get to Joe’s Crab Shack because it was already 11:30 and apparently that place fills up fast and I really wanted to try it and also I wanted seafood SO BADLY because I’ve been eating like a pauper. So we went to Joe’s Crab Shack. It just opened here. When a new chain restaurant opens in my area people go crazy like on that Saturday Night Live skit making fun of Oprah’s Favorite Things where people are eating turkeys with their faces. We had a Krispy Kreme once. When it opened, people were SO INSANE about it that they were getting in ACCIDENTS outside and COPS had to be called in to DIRECT DOUGHNUT TRAFFIC. I am not even kidding. This went on for like a month. In strange news, it ended up closing about a year later because people stopped going. We seem to be very loyal to our Dunkin’ Donuts up here. (To be fair, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is like liquid crack. I’d drink it as my sole beverage if I could. But Krispy Kreme doughnuts, hot from the fryer, were AMAZING. They melted in your mouth. SO SO GOOD.)

SO SO GOOD. I miss them.

There were already a lot of people at Joe’s Crab Shack when we got there. Who eats that early? That’s insane. I eat lunch at like 2pm most days. Or whatever time I have to in order to get to work on time, I suppose.

This isn’t OUR Joe’s. This is A Joe’s. They’re all pretty much the same.

We learned quickly that it would be terrible to work at Joe’s Crab Shack. Every 45 minutes (or, according to our waitress, every time someone requested it) a strobe-light disco ball goes off, and everyone who works there has to stop what they’re doing and stand around the edges of the restaurant and DANCE. I am not even kidding. THEY FORCE THE EMPLOYEES TO DANCE. Dad and I were HORRIFIED. Mom of course thought it was adorable and whimsical because she lives in a world of rainbow kittens and she was all clapping along, but Dad and I knew those people didn’t want to be doing that and it’s like indentured servitude and it’s EMBARRASSING. Dad asked our waitress, “Do you WANT to do that?” and she said, in this totally rehearsed way, “Oh, yes. I sure do love dancing! Ha. Ha ha.” But with dead, dead eyes. Dad said it reminded him of when he worked at Walmart and they made them do that Walmart cheer at the beginning of their shift. Dad would never do the Walmart cheer. He would hide behind a rack of clothing and scowl instead. He (and I) hate forced cheer. HA-AAAA-TE. Also that disco ball started to give Dad a migraine and that made me feel bad.

This is a bad photo. I wasn’t going to take a photo of those dancing employees. I felt TERRIBLE for them. I found this randomly online.

So we had delicious seafood (I had crab and shrimp, which were delicious, and some potatoes and sausage and corn, which were less-so) but LISTEN. When you tell someone something is super-spicy I think you should follow through. Don’t tell someone something is spicy when it is not. I know! I know. You tell someone something is spicy and they don’t believe you and then they sue you or something. And that’s annoying. But there are those of us who LOVE spicy. Who WANT things to be spicy. And when they order their order EXTRA-SPICY then it comes out and it’s only kind of meh, they are SAD.

This is what I ate. ALL THE CRAB! Dad thought I was doing a lot of work for very little payoff. “I’d never buy crab,” he said.

Also, one of the servers had a shirt that said “Bite Me” and Dad was all, “YOU AND YOUR BROTHER WOULD LOVE THAT SHIRT! We should GET you that shirt! You say that ALL THE TIME! Except then you would WEAR it, and I would be EMBARRASSED.” And I had to wear a bib that the server wrote “I went to Joe’s Crab Shack and left with crabs” on it and I said “AREN’T YOU PROUD DAD” and he said, “It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

Then we went clothes shopping. Well, Mom and I did. Dad took a post-seafood-nap in the car. That’s what he does while we clothes-shop. He is not amused by waiting around while Mom and I try things on. I got TWO pairs of pants and FOUR shirts. Or maybe FIVE but I think FOUR. Impressive, right? They are pretty and Mom was impressed by my shopping prowess. I was, too. Everything I tried on fit, for once! YAY! Mom bought two pairs of shoes because she likes deals and they were THREE DOLLARS. Then we left to go make the TV work and also Dad had to pee and apparently wanted to do that back at my place and not in the restaurant? I don’t know. I can pee pretty much anywhere. I have no pee-shy-issues.

Oh, while we were in the store, a woman walked by us and the counter shook and Mom was all “IS THERE AN EARTHQUAKE?” and the woman was…not thin…and it was SO EMBARRASSING and then Mom got very red in the face and I could not look at her and when she was in the parking lot she was all “I COULD HAVE DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT IN THERE I DIDN’T EVEN SEE THAT WOMAN” so I’m thinking maybe I get a little of my boneheadedness from my mom.

This is a very long post. That’s what happens when there’s bon vivantery.

So then we came home for television making-working-time. This was…not as successful.

Dad might need someone to read him this book, maybe.

Dad gets shouty when things don’t work immediately. The television did not work immediately. There was all the snow in the picture and he couldn’t figure out how to get the DVD player and the VCR (shut up, I refuse to use a DVR) and the cable box working and attached AT THE SAME TIME and then he realized I didn’t have (WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!) MULTIPLE cables to hook everything up the way he wanted (do you all have multiple cables just hanging around your homes waiting for the chance to be used? Why would I have these things if I’m not using them?) and he was VERY VERY CRANKY. Much shouting and muttering and stomping and “WHY IS THERE CAT HAIR HERE?” and “I FOUND A PEN ON THE FLOOR THIS HOUSE IS A MESS” and “NO ONE HAS FLASHLIGHTS WITHOUT BATTERIES!” and mostly I just sat there on the couch rolling my eyes and trying not to look at Mom because we were getting the giggles. Randomly the DVD player was making everything black and white, and he didn’t like the colors of the television so he had to mess with that, and grump grump GRUMP and he was all “THIS IS JUNK I THINK WE SHOULD RETURN IT” but we ended up not returning it. All was well, after he went out and got a super-long cable with all the colorful plugs at the end. NO I don’t know what it’s called. Colorful plug-wire-thing. So now I have a NEW TV! Want to see? Sure you do.

This is a terrible photo because my phone camera really is the suck, but NEW TV! And the crap AROUND the TV! (I am watching “The Amazing Race” right now, in case you need to know that.)

Then Dad wanted to hit the road because he hates driving at night and it was TIME TO GO! and then we had all the hugs and they departed for the day and I have been merrily watching my new television and Dad secretly gave me some money so I could buy myself dinner and I had DELICIOUS CHINESE FOOD and I haven’t had that in months and it was WONDERFUL. So it has been a good day. Other than the shoutery. Which really all turned out alright. I didn’t shout back this time, which was a total win.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY IN THREE HOURS! Well, in your time my birthday is long since come and gone, but in MY time, it has not yet happened! And so far it has been WONDERFUL and it hasn’t even HAPPENED yet! Huzzah!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

31 responses to “Bon vivantery report: the bon vivantery level is HIGH today.

  • blogginglily

    THIS is the Amy we know and love. Sooooo. Muuuuuuch. Verbosity!!

    Also, all my favorite posts from you are stories about your day. Yes, your dad is a favorite because he’s all grumpy . . . but the slice of life stuff is interesting and fun and funny and I laughed.

    i don’t like restaurants where they make people dance. Because not only is it embarrassing for them. . . but it embarrasses me too. I just try not to make eye contact.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I wish I had more time. I’d write these every day. Also, I don’t have exciting things HAPPEN very often, so unfortunately, the slice of my life is just not very interesting lately. It’s mostly answered phones, blogged, slept, AAAAAND repeat.

      Mom kept clapping and loved it but Dad and I were VERY embarrassed about the dancing and wouldn’t look at them. We felt TERRIBLE for them.

      Like

  • sj

    I love everything about this post, even the shouty Amy’s dad. ESPECIALLY the shouty Amy’s dad.

    Also, I was totally there when you were writing this cos we watched Amazing Race together!

    Like

  • jbrown3079

    Joe’s Crab Shack is a favorite of ours. I like the King Crab legs and since we are in the midwest, this is as close to seafood as we can get. I am NOT wearing the bib, thanks anyway. The servers always seem a little relieved that they don’t have to put one on us. More time for dancing.
    The very second that I start to have trouble fixing something, people scatter. I like to think they just want to give me space to think, but they are usually snickering in another room.
    It is a DadRule if the project doesn’t respond to swearing or a big hammer, that is the time to call a professional.
    And shame on Target for not having the proper wiring in the box with the tv.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m glad I wore the bib. I’m a mess of an eater. I almost wanted to ask them if I could get a stack of bibs, because I could use them in my day-to-day life.

      I LOVE King Crab legs! YUM.

      The box had no wiring in it! But I think that’s because the tv itself didn’t need any wiring – the wiring was to hook up the DVD player and the VCR. Dad just assumed I’d have all kinds of wiring in my house like he does. Nope, that’s not something I just have lying around waiting for use!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I don’t really get doughnuts. They’re just pieces of fried dough.

    Like

  • rachael

    Now I remember the dancing the one time I went to a Joe’s. I’m pretty sure I was mortified for the employees and therefore did not like it!!

    In other news, I’m pretty sure our dads could have been BFF’s … (sigh)

    Sounds like you had a great pre-birthday day! Very happy for you!!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Don’t be silly. You wouldn’t refuse to use a DVR if you had one. It’s very convenient.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      No, see, the problem is, I record more shows than a DVR could record. I always have 2-3 VCRs going. So I have to keep the VCRs. Yes, yes. I know. I watch too much tv. FAR too much. I’m cutting back a lot lately, though. Not enough time in the world.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        I might be missing something here, but isn’t a DVR’s capacity defined by its hard disc size? We’ve got some 450 DVDs transferred to hard disc at home, although that did take up two large hard discs. Surely a few television shows should fit into a DVR?

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          No, see, they all play at the same TIME, so I can only record so many things at the the same time. And then I’d have to record them in one room and watch them in another room so I’d really have to get that whole-house DVR system which is expensive. VCRs for me until they break and I can’t replace them.

          Like

          • Andreas Heinakroon

            So I was missing the point. Yes, those systems are quite expensive, I believe.

            So, how’s the new telly then? Good?

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              It wasn’t so much that you were missing the point…more that no one in their right mind watches as much television as I do, so the possibility probably didn’t cross your mind. It’s understandable.

              The new television is wonderful! So thin! And so big and the picture is so pretty! I’m kind of in love with it.

              Like

              • Andreas Heinakroon

                Stop beating yourself up over watching too much telly; the maladies of television watching have been much exaggerated. Give yourself a break.

                Like

                • lucysfootball

                  I know, I know. I don’t think it will rot my brain, or anything. And honestly, mostly it’s just playing while I’m blogging. I don’t pay a ton of attention to it. I know what’s happening with it but it’s not like I drop everything to watch the shiny moving pictures.

                  Like

        • lucysfootball

          (Just to be clear, I DO have a DVD player. Just can’t record on it. I’m not THAT far backward.)

          Like

  • Charleen

    We recently tried the Texas Roadhouse that opened up about a year ago, and they make their people dance too. During the course of our hour-or-so dinner, they must have done it 3 or 4 times. They also CRANKED the music way up during these dance numbers, so you can’t even try to ignore it and continue your conversation. It was overkill. I say, if you must make your employees dance, once every hour is plenty often enough.

    And our TV is the old boxy heavy kind too. Pretty sure we’re the last of the people we know that don’t have a flat screen. Well, maybe except for our grandmothers.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t understand who the employee-dancing is benefiting. Does anyone enjoy it? Not the employees. Not most of the patrons. It’s weird and controlling.

      I now have three tvs. Two are huge and heavy and one is the light one. I…I kind of love it. IT IS SO PRETTY!

      Like

      • Charleen

        One of the servers was dancing literally RIGHT next to our table, exactly where she’d be standing to take our order or set down our food. RIGHT there. It was just awkward all around.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Oh, that’s annoying! Ours at least moved to the edges of the restaurant so they were nowhere near us. I’d have hated them being close to us. I was working so hard to ignore them.

          Like

  • lazyboo

    You should always be vonting with your parents, because then you will always write posts like this. Semper bon vivantry. How’s that for a mixed… something…
    Why is there cat hair here? I can’t even.
    Enjoy your new skinny birthday five percent off tv. I’m sure they’re the best kind of tvs to own.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He even told me on the phone today I need to be cleaning up the cat hair EVERY DAY because cat hair is VERY MESSY. I live with a cat, I’m not going to clean and dust and make sure the place is dander-free on a daily basis. How would I even live my life?

      Like

  • Jessy King

    I enjoy your thoughts on “forced cheer.” I call it “mandatory fun.” I do not care for either of these things.

    Like

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