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The house with a bear in its walls. No. Really. It’s totally a bear.

Let’s see. What day is this? Sunday? Not here. It’s a whole different day here. I’m trying to keep ahead of things. It’s a bit of a losing proposition, but I’m doing my best. This has been a week of craziness. The night shift is a strange beast. It is not the kindest on one’s sleeping schedule. Last night, I worked until 11:30. Then today I had to work at 11, so I got up early (well, early-ish, because I didn’t get to bed until 1:15) and got a call just as I was all ready and rip-roaring to go that the night-shift supervisor had called off, could I please please please take her shift instead of doing the shift I’d been planning on doing? So TECHNICALLY I could have slept in a little, boo. And now I have to work the night shift on the busiest day of the week over there AND be there at 11am tomorrow morning (it was supposed to be 9:30, but she pushed my shift back a little.) No, I am not complaining. I am very lucky to have a job, and I am very VERY lucky they give me as many hours as they do. I ALMOST was able to pay my bills this month! And will TOTALLY be able to pay them by the time my next paycheck comes in, huzzah! I am totally a productive member of society, look at me go.

Me! (Not at all me. I haven’t fallen asleep at work yet, promise. It’s hard to fall asleep with the phones ringing all the time, you see.)

I just spoke to Dad. Dad has had a VISITOR.

Dad: So remember you told me that stupid cat you have caught a mouse?


Me: YES. I am still so proud. What a good boy. OUCH, Dumbcat, stop DIGGING MY LEG.
Dad: That cat is so stupid. I wouldn’t have a cat that stupid.
Me: You wouldn’t have any pets. You hate pets.
Dad: I really do. ANYWAY, the day you mentioned mice, guess what happened.
Me: I don’t know. What happened.
Dad: There was a HUGE MOUSE in my wall.


Me: How do you know it was huge if it was in your wall?
Dad: It sounded as big as a monster. So I kicked the wall and it was quiet.
Me: That’s how you do it. Just kick that wall.
Dad: Then I put a bunch of mousetraps in the cellar.
Me: You know, if you had a cat, you could just put that cat in the cellar. STOP DIGGING, DUMBCAT!
Dad: I’d put that cat outside. Then I’d lock the door.
Me: SO MEAN. He is your GRANDCAT.
Dad: I don’t…you worry me.
Me: Aw, no. He is so good and furry.
Dad: So I put the mousetraps in the cellar, and guess what happened this morning.
Me: I can’t even begin to guess. This is like a mystery novel filled with INTRIGUE.
Dad: I went to the cellar and two of the traps were sprung and the peanut butter was GONE.

Once I asked Dad why he didn’t use cheese, and he said, “Why would anyone WASTE CHEESE?” He likes cheese about as much as I do. A lot, is how much.

Me: Huh. That is one crafty mouse-monster.
Dad: But the third trap? WAS GONE.
Me: Gone? Hee! Where did it go?
Dad: I DO NOT KNOW. I looked EVERYWHERE. Well, everywhere I could. That cellar is filled with junk. So then I decided that it’s not a mouse in the walls.
Me: Um. So, what’s in the walls?
Dad: Well, it could really be anything, but probably a bear.

Right in the walls. Right squished in there.

Me: You think there’s a bear in your walls?
Dad: Well, a mouse wouldn’t just steal your good mousetrap.
Me: Yes. And a bear totally would. Bears are known to do such things.
Dad: That bear better look out. It’s hunting season!
Me: That’s probably why he’s in your walls. Hiding from the hunters. And it’s nice that you put out peanut butter for him. He’s probably starving.
Dad: So now I have to set up some sort of system so that bear-mouse-monster doesn’t steal my remaining traps. I think I’ll drill holes in the floor and attach the traps to string and anchor them to the floor.
Me: My. That seems like…a lot…of work. For a mouse. Or a bear. Ooh, or a BADGER. Do you think it is a badger?

I’d totally like to have badgers in my walls. They’re so jaunty!

Dad: No. I don’t think it’s a badger. We don’t have badgers here.
Me: You do, however, have WALL-BEARS.

Let’s see. I don’t have much other news. Mostly, I’ve been working sleeping working sleeping writing this working sleeping repeat repeat repeat. I haven’t even gotten to speak to my most-beloved people as much as normal and that makes me very sad and I miss them much much much. Next week might be a little better, depending on what kind of hours I get. This week was just a little tough. And THEN! Next weekend! VERY EXCITING! A week from today, my parents are coming to visit, and THEN, a week from TOMORROW, it is SOMEONE’S BIRTHDAY I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BEEEEEE? Me me the answer is me! And I will be taking both days off and being COMPLETELY lazy and enjoying my birthday weekend. Well, if the weekend is Sunday and Monday, that is. So my parents are coming up to take me to lunch and we are having SEAFOOD and then we are going SHOPPING and they will bring me PRESENTS. Are you at all surprised that when it comes to birthdays, I am a child filled with excitement and totally count down days and get VERY EXCITED? Probably not. I LOVE BIRTHDAYS!!! Here’s my thought on birthdays. Everyone gets one day a year that is ALL THEIRS. There are 365 (sometimes, 366!) days in a year and one of those days is YOUR DAY. I think you should enjoy the hell out of your birthday. And I think you should help OTHERS have wonderful birthdays by doing fun things and surprising them and celebrating them. I AM VERY EXCITED ABOUT BIRTHDAYS. They make me bounce like Tigger. Bounce bounce bounce. This year my birthday will be weird and up-in-the-air and a little stressy, but I will STILL enjoy my birthday, dammit. I REFUSE TO DO OTHERWISE.

Well, in 8 days. IN 8 DAYS IT IS MY SPECIAL DAY!!!!!!

OK. Off to do things like eat lunch and then run off to work and WORK WORK WORK. And it’s going to be a scary scary night! Fridays at the answering service are not good times, no no. Since I am writing from the PAST and you are all in my FUTURE I can only assume that I survived it but I suppose we’ll see what happens. Send me good thoughts. ALL THE GOOD THOUGHTS. Deep breaths. DEEP BREATHS.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

30 responses to “The house with a bear in its walls. No. Really. It’s totally a bear.

  • sj

    Hee! I LOVE that there are bears in the walls. In my head, it’s multiple bears, not just one. He’s lucky the house is still standing with all of those wall bears.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      SO MANY WALL-BEARS!

      There are a lot of wall-mice, though. I used to hear them when I was little and trying to sleep. And bats! Sometimes bats will swoop in, it’s disconcerting.

      Like

      • sj

        I would really love to get our dads together. Wait, no I wouldn’t. He was just talking today about how we wouldn’t be in this mess right now if Hillary had won the nom in 2008. Your dad would FLIP OUT.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I’m with you guys. Hillary’s my girl. I was CRUSHED when she didn’t get the nomination. Dad HATES her. He calls her…well, I won’t say it, it’s demeaning to all women everywhere. He doesn’t like women in power. They make him nervous. (I’m quite convinced that, if I wasn’t his daughter, he’d hate me. I’m everything in a woman he hates: unmarried, liberal, outspoken.)

          Like

          • sj

            I was kind of shocked, because we rarely discuss politics (he’s usually IT’S A SECRET BALLOT! SEEEEECRET!) but it was nice to hear him say that.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              I’d like to say it’s a secret ballot but it’s pretty obvious from anyone who’s been around me for 5 seconds where my vote will be going…but I totally respect anyone who keeps it a secret ballot. I’m just not capable of that. Too LIBRUL.

              Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Oh! Oh! Once, many many many years ago, I was walking the cats in the woods one night (What? You don’t walk you cats in the woods? Where do you walk them then?) and I happened on a pack of badgers (If by a pack of badgers you mean a litter of badger pups. Which I do.). They where all around me, little badger to the left and right, scuffling along the floor of the woods, sniffing – I presume – for snails and other delicious invertebrates to eat. As they have very poor eye sight, and it was way past the sun set, they didn’t notice me until I made a noise. Then they suddenly stopped dead and then all turned towards me like some children-of-the-corn-badger-zombies. That’s when I decided it was time to leave them alone, so I gathered my cats and went home.

    Ok, that wasn’t much of a story, really. Ah, well..

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      How much do I love that you walk the cats in the woods at night? THE MOST!

      You saw badgers? In real life? I’ve only ever seen pictures! I’ve never even seen them in zoos! Oh, I want to see a badger!

      That was an EXCELLENT story! I loved it!

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        We see badgers in real life quite often here in Scandinavia (I guess I should say Fennoscandia, really), but most of the time they’re roadkill, and hence not moving much. That is the only time I’ve seen live badgers in situ so to speak, although I’ve seen them in zoos and stuff.

        They were really close as well, literally climbing over my feet at times. I considered crouching down to pat them, but thought the better of it. They are supposed to have vicious bites, and I couldn’t see the mother anywhere – which probably meant she was close by. I didn’t want to find out if badgers are as defensive regarding their pups as bears are.

        (BTW badger in Swedish is ‘grävling’, which means ‘digging creature’.)

        Like

  • Heather

    Please disregard that last comment that consists of only two letters. Thank you.

    ANYWAY…

    I love birthdays almost as much as I love your dad. Hahaha!

    Like

  • RebeccaScaglione

    Hilarious conversation with your dad. I actually laughed out loud (not LOL like in convo, but a real laugh) when you discussed cheese vs. peanut butter!

    Like

  • blogginglily

    Wall bears remind me of The movie Prophecy. But in the case of that movie, the bear was a pig fish bear. Pig fish bears happen when you pollute lakes and then bears DNA magically cross links with fish and pigs and the resultant pigfishbears run the fuck amock and eat everything and everyone until a handsome protagonist saves all the shrieking damsels. It happens all the time.

    Does your dad live near a lake? Are remoseless factory executives unapologetically polluting that lake? Because if so, he might have a wall pigfishbear.

    Very scary looking: http://horrornews.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Prophecy1979.jpg

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This whole comment made me snort-laugh.

      No lakes for Dad, but it’s pretty swampy up there, and I’ve watched enough SyFy movies to know that swamps are BAD BAD NEWS.

      I’ll ask him if he thinks he has a wall pigfishbear tonight. I think he will just be confused, and say, “Your friends are weird.” That’s my prediction.

      Like

      • blogginglily

        What was his response? Because I think you have to burn wall pigfishbears to kill them, and that means burning the entire house down. Better that than be eaten by a wall pigfishbear though.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I haven’t talked to him in days! It’s very sad, when I work the night shift I miss him altogether. I’m in dad-withdrawal.

          For all I know, he HAS been eaten by a wall pigfishbear! I bet my mom and brother wouldn’t even think to call me if that happened. That’d be just like them. *huff*

          Like

          • blogginglily

            If it really IS a wall pigfishbear, they’re probably BOTH dead, because if you saw that movie Prophecy. . . it killed and killed and killed. pigfishbears are DEADLY.

            Like

  • becomingcliche

    Can I practice a little and say Happy Birthday!!! even though I know it’s days early?

    Wall bears often have rabies, ebola virus and dandruff and must be stopped. Use honey and a bigger trap.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, you totally can. I’ll take birthday wishes wherever I can get ’em.

      WALL BEARS! I haven’t talked to Dad in days. I have GOT to ask him what’s going on with the wall-bears. I do so hope he hasn’t been eaten.

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    Thank you so much for the tips on how to catch wall-bears. I don’t currently have wall-bears, but I am saving this blog post for future reference.

    Like

  • lazyboo

    I totally get where your dad is coming from, because creature sounds are at least eleventy billion times magnified in walls (and ceilings). My partner was adamant there was a huge possum in our ceiling and I was all no dammit, Dobby is a rat (because naturally we gave the unknown creature a name) and then when the tail-less wondercat finally caught said creature it was indeed a rat. And not even a large one. Not that time, at least. Dobby has had several incarnations.
    So, as I’m so far behind I’m going to go right ahead and say happy birthday now, because what with all the post-posting and me being so far behind I can’t work out when you mean. So have an amazingly awesome birthday whenever it is.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      THANK YOU! It’s Monday, so tomorrow, yay yay yay!!!

      They do sound huge in the walls. I have a squirrel-friend who sometimes gets in my bedroom walls and he sounds like a SHARK. Well, maybe not a shark. Something large and blundery.

      Like

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