Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat to scratch a man to death!

So this week I’m working the very late shift at work. I’m there until 11:30pm. On the weekends, that’s not so bad, but during the week it’s a little tougher because most people don’t call in that late during the week. They’re sleepin’! Getting ready for the workday ahead! Except for some kooky people who are calling in for weird reasons. Like, there was one man last night calling all of his doctor’s offices to tell them his new phone number. And he had a lot of doctor’s offices. He did this for about four hours. Calling random doctor’s offices all, “Here I am! Updating my info! At 10pm on a Tuesday!” Very strange. I suppose he could, like me, work weird hours, so that’s the only time he had to update things. It was just strange. He was very chipper about calling in that late with a non-emergency. I was not as chipper about taking his multiple calls.

Anyway, I worked and worked and worked, and then I got home super-late and it was almost the next day, and when I got home, Dumbcat was VERY PERKY. He usually is – he’s always so excited to see me when I get home, he’s very dog-like in that regard – but he was bopping around like a speed-freak last night. MEOW MOM MEOW! Meow meow MEOWWWW! So I was like, hey, bud! I will give you your treats! All is well! Here I am! And I went into the living room and thought, huh, that’s a funny-looking cat toy there in the middle of the floor. Wonder where he got that one? It’s…very…realistic. And furry. And…with shiny red parts.

And he was all “COME SEE WHAT I HAVE HERE MOMMMMMM!” and pranced around it like it was a maypole and IT WAS A DEAD MOUSE WHOSE HEAD WAS NOT ATTACHED. (It was THERE, just a little way away from the neck. I know. Sorry. Grossout.)

DUMBCAT KILLED ME A MOUSE! All hail the conquering hero!

There was a weird noise in my kitchen the other day, but I thought it was the pile of boxes I had by the garbage can that I was bringing to the dumpster on laundry day. Which in Casa del Amy is also garbage day. I thought they’d fallen a little. Dumbcat RAN into the kitchen when that happened and I was all, “DUMBCAT YOU STOP. You always think noises are mice. Curtains in the wind and boxes and my feet on the rug ARE NOT MICE. Stop being so weird.”

He was NOT being weird! IT WAS A MOUSE!

So apparently when I was at work, Dumbcat caught and (sorry, mousie) tortured and killed the invader in our house, and then left him in the middle of the living-room rug so he could present him to me when I finally returned home. I would assume he thought, “Mom ALWAYZ givse me treates. so I will giev HER a treet when she getes home tOO” in his inimitable Dumbcattian way.

So I very gingerly cleaned up the remains of Mickey (or I guess it could have been Jerry) and threw him over my porch and Dumbcat was all “MOM MOM MOM MY TOY IT IS GONE MOM? Where Is it my toye? MOMMMM!” and ran around the spot where the mouse was for quite some time and I washed my hands a million times and then gave him all the pettings because WHAT A GOOD BOY!

Listen, Dumbcat is the best. I’m not even going to be humble about this. I’m an animal lover, and I like almost all the animals, and if I go somewhere that a person has pets, I pretty much don’t talk to the humans, but spend the time hanging with the pets. Because the pets are the most awesome. Also because I am not great with people and pets are non-judgey. But Dumbcat is one special cat. Not just “special” special, like short-bus-special-needs-special, but he’s really the best. He makes me laugh regularly. He didn’t get his name because I’m being facetious. He’s really not the smartest cat in the world. He runs into walls with his face on a regular basis; he hisses at furniture; he falls off of things (bookcases, couches, chairs, beds, litterboxes); he falls into his water dish (and once he fell into the toilet.) He is a pratfall of a cat. I couldn’t love him more. He is hysterical. Yes, he sleeps 8/10 of the day, but the 2/10 of the day he’s awake, he is a Three Stooges movie, and it is almost completely impossible to be in a bad mood around him.

For all of those good things, I didn’t ever think he could catch (let alone kill) a mouse. When I had two cats, Dumbcat and Othercat (who was also known as Bitchycat) and we would get mice once and a while, Othercat would do the stalking and killing. She was relentless, Othercat. She didn’t suffer vermin gladly. Dumbcat would bounce around her all “SISTERCAT! Look at that THING you have! WHAT IS IT WHAT? IT IS MOVING AND SQUEEKING! SISTERCAT! Can I can I can I-I-I-I play with that? I want it! ME ME! SISTERCAT!” Then sometimes Othercat would cut him a break and pat the poor mouse over toward him and he’d jump a foot in the air in fear and hide behind the entertainment center (which is where he used to hide before we moved here and he moved into the pots and pans cupboard.) BUT! Somehow! When I was away, my poor silly boy killed a mouse ALL BY HIMSELF! Well, I suppose he could have invited over a friend-cat to help him, but how would the friend-cat have gotten in and out of here? No, I’m pretty sure it was all Dumbcat and his SUPERIOR HUNTING PROWESS!

I’ve been telling him all day how proud I am of him and what a VERY GOOD BOY he is and if there are any more mice he totally has my permission to dispatch them in whatever way he’d like to, because as much as I like animals, I do NOT like vermin in my home. So Dumbcat has my total permission to kill any vermin that get in here. I don’t want to catch the plague! (Don’t mice bring plague? Or the Black Death or something? THAT mouse is not bringing ANYTHING. That mouse is no longer. That is an EX-mouse.)

Then when I crawled out of bed this morning, all sleepy-eyed because I couldn’t even fall asleep until 2am, there was a cop car parked in front of my place for a couple of hours, but it didn’t seem to be doing anything, so I was all, “CHEESE IT DUMBCAT! It’s the fuzz! They know about the murder that went down here yesterday! You’re going to need an assumed identity and you’re going to need a false mustache and you’re going to need a FEDORA!” and he was all “Mom. I AM ASLEEPIN’.” And he rolled back over and snored himself back to sleep. (I still don’t know what was up with the cops. I have some shady neighbors a little way down from me and the cop car was right in front of their place so my thought is something was going down there.)

So! All hail my Dumbcat, who is a WINNER of HUNTING! I am so proud. He will do much better come the zombie apocalypse than I thought. Aw, buddy! SO PROUD! In honor of your win, I will let you sleep all cuddled up to my leg for the next twenty minutes until I have to make lunch. ALL FOR YOU, DUMBCAT!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

19 responses to “Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat to scratch a man to death!

  • Charleen

    Our cat has never killed a mouse, but he did trap one behind a bookshelf one weekend while we were away. I don’t even know how the mouse squeezed itself in there, or how long he had been there, but when we realized why our cat was SO INTENT on whatever was behind that shelf (we figured he’d just lost one of his toys back there), we thought it was dead from fright or starvation or something. Nope, it was still alive. It just wasn’t moving because it probably COULDN’T move after being stuck in that position for so long.

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  • sj

    I remember this time The Lord cornered a mouse under his food dish. The mouse tried to make a run for it WHILE UNDER THE DISH and it was like we had a possessed bowl.

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  • becomingcliche

    Hats off to Dumbcat!

    In our old house, we had the occasional rodent problem. Long story there.Anyway, a litter of mice had apparently been kicked out of their little mousy nest by their mom (either that or they were inbred) and hadn’t the sense to stay out of the actual house. Our gigantic 20lb cat killed four of them in twenty minutes. Oh, THE CARNAGE! I saw a different side of her personality, too. This passive cat was not all proud and “Look at me!” She gave me a look that clearly said “You might be next, human.”

    Apparently mice have the same effect on cats that money does on people. They bring out the true personality.

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    • lucysfootball

      I wish I could have seen Dumbcat killing the mouse! I’d like to see him all cat-like. Mostly I see him being all sloth-like. Or foolish-like. He’s the least cat-like cat I’ve ever dealt with!

      “You might be next, human” made me giggle. Dumbcat better not ever do that to me! Or NO TREATS FOR YOU, DUMBCAT!

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  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    (late to the party, sorry!) HOORAY for Dumbcat! Mighty Hunter!! Give him a little pat on the head from me. I love your little Dumbcat!

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  • cm

    Yay! I am IMPRESSED! He must have been soo happy with himself. He’s smarter than we give him credit for, perhaps :D

    My boy was going crazy tonight with something on our balcony. I thought it was another toad (did I tell you we have so many toads on our 2nd story balcony?!? He puts them in his mouth and then his mouth starts foaming….someday he’ll learn….someday?) Anyway, I went to pull it out of his mouth and it was not a toad, but a stalk of oregano from the herb planter. He’s been going nuts on the oregano all night long. You’d think it was at least catnip!

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    • lucysfootball

      He was SO PROUD! I wish you could have seen him! So prancey and all “MOM MOM MOM LOOK LOOK A THING FOR YOU MOM FOR YOU A THING I FOUND FOR YOU!”

      Toads? How do toads get to the second floor? Do they have sticky feet? How curious! Wait, they make his mouth foam? OOH! Maybe they are PSYCHEDELIC TOADS! Don’t lick them to find out, though. Tell C. I told him to do it. :)

      Oregano! Well, I guess it’s cheaper and easier to get than catnip? I love him. He makes me laugh. He’s such a character!

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  • lazyboo

    Hail the conquering hero!
    This made me go awww all over the place. I normally have all the compassion for small creatures and had mice as pets as a teenager, but there’s something about a proud cat. And proud Dumbcat, well…
    Our tail-less wonderbutt cat goes on occasional rat catching sprees. Somehow. Never quite sure how he manages, but am always grateful for the reprieve from ‘Dobby’ in the ceiling. Non-pet variety rodents are no fun.

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    • lucysfootball

      You have a tail-less cat? Aw! Dumbcat approves. He only had a stub-tail because he is a genetic abnormality!

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      • lazyboo

        Yes, we have a tail-less cat. Alas he is not a Manx or any impressive breed like that, he’s a moggy who had a close encounter with a car and then a subsequent (very expensive) amputation (followed by a most undignified half naked bucket-headed period.)
        I’m sure Dumbcat would approve of Leonard and they would be good friends. Our boy is also grumpy and silly and hides under things when people are about, although perhaps not to the same extent as Dumbcat.

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