So this week I’m working the very late shift at work. I’m there until 11:30pm. On the weekends, that’s not so bad, but during the week it’s a little tougher because most people don’t call in that late during the week. They’re sleepin’! Getting ready for the workday ahead! Except for some kooky people who are calling in for weird reasons. Like, there was one man last night calling all of his doctor’s offices to tell them his new phone number. And he had a lot of doctor’s offices. He did this for about four hours. Calling random doctor’s offices all, “Here I am! Updating my info! At 10pm on a Tuesday!” Very strange. I suppose he could, like me, work weird hours, so that’s the only time he had to update things. It was just strange. He was very chipper about calling in that late with a non-emergency. I was not as chipper about taking his multiple calls.
Anyway, I worked and worked and worked, and then I got home super-late and it was almost the next day, and when I got home, Dumbcat was VERY PERKY. He usually is – he’s always so excited to see me when I get home, he’s very dog-like in that regard – but he was bopping around like a speed-freak last night. MEOW MOM MEOW! Meow meow MEOWWWW! So I was like, hey, bud! I will give you your treats! All is well! Here I am! And I went into the living room and thought, huh, that’s a funny-looking cat toy there in the middle of the floor. Wonder where he got that one? It’s…very…realistic. And furry. And…with shiny red parts.
And he was all “COME SEE WHAT I HAVE HERE MOMMMMMM!” and pranced around it like it was a maypole and IT WAS A DEAD MOUSE WHOSE HEAD WAS NOT ATTACHED. (It was THERE, just a little way away from the neck. I know. Sorry. Grossout.)
DUMBCAT KILLED ME A MOUSE! All hail the conquering hero!
There was a weird noise in my kitchen the other day, but I thought it was the pile of boxes I had by the garbage can that I was bringing to the dumpster on laundry day. Which in Casa del Amy is also garbage day. I thought they’d fallen a little. Dumbcat RAN into the kitchen when that happened and I was all, “DUMBCAT YOU STOP. You always think noises are mice. Curtains in the wind and boxes and my feet on the rug ARE NOT MICE. Stop being so weird.”
He was NOT being weird! IT WAS A MOUSE!
So apparently when I was at work, Dumbcat caught and (sorry, mousie) tortured and killed the invader in our house, and then left him in the middle of the living-room rug so he could present him to me when I finally returned home. I would assume he thought, “Mom ALWAYZ givse me treates. so I will giev HER a treet when she getes home tOO” in his inimitable Dumbcattian way.
So I very gingerly cleaned up the remains of Mickey (or I guess it could have been Jerry) and threw him over my porch and Dumbcat was all “MOM MOM MOM MY TOY IT IS GONE MOM? Where Is it my toye? MOMMMM!” and ran around the spot where the mouse was for quite some time and I washed my hands a million times and then gave him all the pettings because WHAT A GOOD BOY!
Listen, Dumbcat is the best. I’m not even going to be humble about this. I’m an animal lover, and I like almost all the animals, and if I go somewhere that a person has pets, I pretty much don’t talk to the humans, but spend the time hanging with the pets. Because the pets are the most awesome. Also because I am not great with people and pets are non-judgey. But Dumbcat is one special cat. Not just “special” special, like short-bus-special-needs-special, but he’s really the best. He makes me laugh regularly. He didn’t get his name because I’m being facetious. He’s really not the smartest cat in the world. He runs into walls with his face on a regular basis; he hisses at furniture; he falls off of things (bookcases, couches, chairs, beds, litterboxes); he falls into his water dish (and once he fell into the toilet.) He is a pratfall of a cat. I couldn’t love him more. He is hysterical. Yes, he sleeps 8/10 of the day, but the 2/10 of the day he’s awake, he is a Three Stooges movie, and it is almost completely impossible to be in a bad mood around him.
For all of those good things, I didn’t ever think he could catch (let alone kill) a mouse. When I had two cats, Dumbcat and Othercat (who was also known as Bitchycat) and we would get mice once and a while, Othercat would do the stalking and killing. She was relentless, Othercat. She didn’t suffer vermin gladly. Dumbcat would bounce around her all “SISTERCAT! Look at that THING you have! WHAT IS IT WHAT? IT IS MOVING AND SQUEEKING! SISTERCAT! Can I can I can I-I-I-I play with that? I want it! ME ME! SISTERCAT!” Then sometimes Othercat would cut him a break and pat the poor mouse over toward him and he’d jump a foot in the air in fear and hide behind the entertainment center (which is where he used to hide before we moved here and he moved into the pots and pans cupboard.) BUT! Somehow! When I was away, my poor silly boy killed a mouse ALL BY HIMSELF! Well, I suppose he could have invited over a friend-cat to help him, but how would the friend-cat have gotten in and out of here? No, I’m pretty sure it was all Dumbcat and his SUPERIOR HUNTING PROWESS!
I’ve been telling him all day how proud I am of him and what a VERY GOOD BOY he is and if there are any more mice he totally has my permission to dispatch them in whatever way he’d like to, because as much as I like animals, I do NOT like vermin in my home. So Dumbcat has my total permission to kill any vermin that get in here. I don’t want to catch the plague! (Don’t mice bring plague? Or the Black Death or something? THAT mouse is not bringing ANYTHING. That mouse is no longer. That is an EX-mouse.)
Then when I crawled out of bed this morning, all sleepy-eyed because I couldn’t even fall asleep until 2am, there was a cop car parked in front of my place for a couple of hours, but it didn’t seem to be doing anything, so I was all, “CHEESE IT DUMBCAT! It’s the fuzz! They know about the murder that went down here yesterday! You’re going to need an assumed identity and you’re going to need a false mustache and you’re going to need a FEDORA!” and he was all “Mom. I AM ASLEEPIN’.” And he rolled back over and snored himself back to sleep. (I still don’t know what was up with the cops. I have some shady neighbors a little way down from me and the cop car was right in front of their place so my thought is something was going down there.)
So! All hail my Dumbcat, who is a WINNER of HUNTING! I am so proud. He will do much better come the zombie apocalypse than I thought. Aw, buddy! SO PROUD! In honor of your win, I will let you sleep all cuddled up to my leg for the next twenty minutes until I have to make lunch. ALL FOR YOU, DUMBCAT!