Vote Jack the Ripper for a Better America!

I’ve been saving some most-excellent news stories that we have to discuss but I haven’t had the time to talk about. I KNOW! SO BUSY! What with the punctuation and the stats and such. So many things going on here, whoo! Today, for example, I had to go to the doctor. But I forgot I had to go to the doctor this morning so I forgot to go to bed in a timely fashion last night so I am SO SO TIRED today. Blergh. I had to go to the doctor because all my prescriptions were running out and the doctor apparently needed to add to her vacation fund so she wanted to see me instead of just refilling them over the phone like she usually does. I’m not really sure what function this served other than I had to say “yep” a lot. “Yep, I’m still taking the migraine medication.” “Yep, I still have trouble sleeping unless I take medication to help me fall asleep.” “Yep, I still have crazy allergies.” Why I couldn’t just say these things over the phone is kind of a mystery. I long-ago decided that the whole visiting-the-doctor thing was a scam to make money. I’m the most jaded, aren’t I?  Well, mostly I’m broke so I don’t want to have to pay the doctor for something she could do for free over the phone. Anyway, I got a NEW sleeping pill which is supposed to be MAGIC KITTEN RAINBOWS so let’s see what happens. Maybe I will sleep for SIXTEEN YEARS! That’d be nice. (SIDE NOTE! She tried to give me Ambien and I’m totally freaked out by Ambien. Isn’t that the sleep-murdering drug? I don’t want to sleep-murder anyone. So I was all, um, let’s put a kibosh on the Ambien idea, what else ya got? Turns out, she had lots of other options. Apparently, no one can sleep, if we go by all the different sleeping pills in the world. Also, isn’t Ambien the giant-green-moth sleeping pill from the commercial? Oh, shit, no, I think that’s Lunesta. Either way, I don’t want to sleep-murder or see giant green moths.)

Get up offa me, moth.

Anyway, today, we are talking about something that will freak out the fellas, and how if you want to be president, you need to be a psychopath, and how (sigh, AGAIN) people are being idiots about Facebook.


Apparently, presidents and psychopaths are QUITE SIMILAR. This probably surprises no one. I like that science backs this up.

Psychopaths have a bunch of traits (like “criminal versatility” and “parasitic lifestyle” and “glibness”) and through MUCH SCIENCE, sciency science types have discovered that the most successful presidents share a trait with psychopaths: fearless dominance.

Fearlessly dominant!

What is fearless dominance, according to the sciency types?

“An easy way to think about it is as a combination of physical and social fearlessness,” says Scott Lilienfeld, lead author of the study and professor of psychology at Emory University. “People high in boldness don’t have a lot of apprehension about either physical or social things that would scare the rest of us.”

He adds, “It’s often a kind of resilience because you don’t show lot of anxiety or frustration in the face of everyday life challenges.”

This trait helps presidents deal with big things like terrorist attacks and smaller things like public speaking. It’s the same trait that helps psychopaths ignore others’ feelings and negative consequences and do things all weirdly impulsive-like.

According to this study, the presidents that tested highest on this scale were JFK, Teddy Roosevelt, FDR, Reagan, and Clinton. Aw! Bill! Not you, Bill! NOT YOU!

Not my Bill! Aw, Bill.

SO! When you are voting in November, I guess you want to vote for the candidate who’s most like John Wayne Gacy because he would be most successful? I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. Wouldn’t someone who has psychopathic tendencies need to be good at hiding them? So if you KNEW the person was a psychopath, they obviously wouldn’t be a very good psychopath. So I’m going to say vote for the person who seems LEAST like a psychopath. In this case, VOTE FOR OBAMA. (No, seriously, vote for Obama. You saw the “47% of Americans are lazy slackers” Romney quote, right? And the “why can’t I open the windows on an airplane?” quote? And the fact that in order to talk to a Hispanic audience, he put on gobs of self-tanner and went out in brownface so he would be easier to relate to? THIS MAN IS OUT OF HIS EVERLOVING MIND.)

Oh, yes. Very relatable. Not at all offensive. Nice. Oompa-loompa-doompety-doo.

OK, moving on from psychopaths, we have people who are very stupid about Facebook.

OK, I’m sure you’ve all heard about people who got fired because of Facebooking, right? Like, people who will friend their boss, call in sick, then post photos of themselves getting super-drunk when they’re supposed to be home with soup and tissues? (There are also people who get fired for Facebooking and I don’t think they should have – like I read about a teacher who was on vacation, had a photo of herself at a table with a bottle of beer in front of her on the table put up on Facebook, and the district let her go. That can’t possibly be legal. How can they even prove that was her beer? And she wasn’t even drinking it? I feel like this might be a falsehood.)


But apparently there are some people who don’t understand that once you post something on the internet, it’s on the internet, even if you post it “friends only.” Here, I will give you a quick tutorial. Even if you have all of your settings locked down on Facebook and it’s friends-only, if you post something, your friends can share that with anyone they want. Who can, in turn, share that with anyone they want. It isn’t locked down. Once it’s posted, it’s out of your control. If you don’t want people to see something – DON’T POST IT ON FACEBOOK. Use a little discretion and common-sense.

Apparently, a gangstaaaaa in New York City was talking about the thug life, yo on Facebook. But he thought he was being all circumspect and marked the more sensitive posts, like the ones with drugs and murder references, “friends only.” But apparently the FBI is allowed to talk to your friends and ask your friends to share your posts with them, and your friends can do that. So the gangsta’s friends shared the info with the po-po (well, the Feds, I guess, what’s that, the fe-fe?) and now the guy’s going on trial for gangsta-ism.

So, we could argue for a while whether or not this guy’s friends were assholes (or, like a lot of people, he just randomly friended pretty much everyone – WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!) or if they were upstanding citizens who wanted to help make the world a better place, but that’s not really the point. The point is that this guy thought he was being secretive and he was just being a jackass.

Rule of thumb: if it’s illegal, don’t post it on Facebook. If it’s potentially embarrassing to someone (yourself, others, whatever) think about it before posting it. Yes, yes. Your profile is marked private. But once it’s out there, your friends can share that with anyone, jellybeans. Use your thinker for thinking thoughts.

Finally: this one’s going to make you cringe, fellas. Sorry.

I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that science has discovered a way to perhaps extend your lifespan so it is equal to a woman’s lifespan! The bad news is that the way to go about it is…well…maybe not something you’d be willing to do.

Researchers in Korea discovered that, after studying the genealogical records of the Chosun dynasty, eunuchs tended to live almost 20 years longer than intact males.

Lord Varys is very pleased with this development.

Yep. Eunuchs. So, in order to earn another twenty years, all you have to do is undergo castration. What do you think, guys? Worth it? Good tradeoff?

Now, before you’re all “that’s because eunuchs lived this totally sheltered and cushy life!” the sciency types are onto you and compared the eunuchs to other men who lived a similar lifestyle. Don’t mess with the sciency types. They know what they’re doing.

I guess this leads the sciency-types to believe that male sex hormones may be to blame for men’s shorter lifespans.

I don’t know that I know too many men that would give up the fellas for a chance to live another couple of decades. But maybe the men I know are all obsessed with their man-junk, I don’t know. I suppose some men have to do this when they get testicular cancer, right?So what’s the thought, men-readers? If you were promised another 20 years on your life, would you become a eunuch? I’m honestly curious about the outcome of this one.

This is a real eunuch. He seems shocked by what’s befallen him.

ALL THE NEWS! OK, off to toil away at the night shift. It’s late-shift week this week for Amy. All the late-night crazies are all mine! All for me! I’ll let you all have some if you want them. I’m not greedy. Happy day, all!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “Vote Jack the Ripper for a Better America!

  • sj

    WELL! After reading that one Anne Rice novel about the castrati, I feel I’m an expert on the subject* and can confirm that men can still have sex even after being castrated. I totally remember that, because I was all “WHAT, REALLY? I THOUGHT THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT?!” But I was, like, 16 when I read that book, so maybe I’m remembering wrong. I don’t think so, though.

    *Please note, I am in no way an expert.


    • lucysfootball

      I just read a very suspect website that played weird music when I clicked on it that said as long as they underwent the surgery after puberty, they could sometimes still have sex and “sometimes even maintain an erection!” but that they had very little sensation. That seems…terrible, actually. For everyone involved. Poor castrati.


  • 35JupiterDrive

    I’m not a man, but if I were, I would not give it up for an extra 20 years. Nonono. No.

    I think the psychopathic stuff makes sense because you have to have an ego the size of Cleveland to think you’d be good at that job. Also, for some bizarre reason, we like psychopaths. Initially. Or, wait, we like narcissists. Which I think is part of psychopathy. (It is. Narcissistic grandiosity is.)

    I hate Facebook. I’m one of the four people left on earth who refuse to be on that thing. But it is sort of amazing that someone would think the police and the FBI don’t get to see everything out there. Privacy is totally eroded, what part of that don’t people get? (Well, I guess a huge part of it, that was your point.)

    The thing about the school teacher sounds totally illegal. Last time I checked, beer was a legal drink. Now if they showed her snorting coke …


    • lucysfootball

      I agree. I was just saying to someone the other day, you couldn’t pay me enough money to run a country. I have no interest. I can’t even imagine that level of stress. Now, working on a president’s CAMPAIGN…that I think would be kind of awesome. I’m fascinated by the behind-the-scenes of a campaign. But to be the face? Nope. Not in a million years.

      I like Facebook for a lot of reasons (and dislike it equally for a lot of OTHER reasons) but for the most part, it makes me happy. I like being able to keep up with the lives of my far-away friends, and see photos of their adorable kids, and know about upcoming theater events, things like that. But when people post emo statuses or I have to see another “Obama is a SOCIALIST!” cartoon from one of my conservative friends…I think, Facebook, sometimes I wish you were not here.

      I have to wonder if that teacher story wasn’t either false or exaggerated. I don’t even remember where I read it, to tell you the truth, and couldn’t find it again, which makes me think I made it up or misremembered it.


  • kitchenmudge

    The methodology in that study could use a little scrutiny before drawing any conclusions about men TODAY. During the Chosun dynasty, people mostly died of very different things from what we die of today: smallpox, measles, syphilis, cholera, tuberculosis, etc.


  • Samantha

    I am surprised that I am still surprised at the shit Mitt Romney says. When I heard about the airplane windows, I facepalmed so hard. And I got angry and wrote a post about his “47% are victims” comment.

    From my limited scope, I doubt many men would take castration to live longer.

    Oh, and I really don’t understand why people put embarrassing/illegal/fireable posts online. I mean, duh?


    • lucysfootball

      I think people put too much faith in privacy settings, especially on Facebook. “Private only to friends” only means that your friends can do whatever they like with your posts when you send them out. It doesn’t mean that your friends see them and immediately keep their mouths shut. Silly.

      I like to imagine Mitt’s people when he says these things. I like to imagine them all sitting around the televisions, watching him speak, silently praying “oh, please don’t put your foot in your mouth…please don’t…” and then he does and them just putting their head on their desks and saying “why? WHY DOES HE TALK WHY???”


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Re human male neutering: Ann Rice is wrong; if a man is castrated before the onset of puberty he will not develop any secondary sexual attributes like increased muscle mass, pubic hair, enlarged genitals or facial hair. He will be able to get an erection, but not in a sexual context (arousal) and will remain anorgasmic*.

    If castrated as an adult, any sexual attributes will stay, but the sex drive will be reduced. This can be countered to a degree by testosterone treatments. The question is then if it is the lack of testosterone that is responsible for the increased life span or if it’s something else? Perhaps the testosterone treatment would negate the effects of castration on the longevity?

    Also, if castrated before the onset of any male pattern baldness, the baldness will not be triggered and he will keep his hair. Another argument in favour for castration, perhaps?

    * There are treatments available for anorgasmia, including surgically inserted electrodes in the brain that can be used to trigger an orgasm via a remote control. Not sure how that would work on a castrated man, although technically he should be able to ejaculate (most of the ejaculate fluid comes from the seminal vesicle and the prostate, and not the testicles).


    • lucysfootball

      Andreas, you really are 100% the best. If anyone ever says differently, you send ’em my way. Most sincerely. I KNEW you would know!!!


    • sj

      This is fantastic. I’m so happy you answered our questions. Now I can go troll all the goodreads reviews talking about how “historically accurate” this book is.*

      * I will not actually be trolling reviews. Even if I want to.


  • Heather

    But…if Romney wins, he will create more jobs by opening a factory to install window cranks in every existing commercial airplane. That’s a win!

    Oh, wait…those factories will probably be in foreign countries. Never mind.


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