Well! Here we are at Amy-answers-all-your-burning-questions day! Well, if by “burning” you mean “probably not all that burning, maybe just a little itchy, like maybe a slight persistent itch, perhaps brought upon by hay fever or some such nonsense.” NEVERTHELESS! We beat on! Boats against the current! (How many people sneak their favorite Gatsby reference into a completely joking post answering strange questions from their search results? NOT VERY MANY is my guess! Huzzah!)
So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. Just because YOU don’t need a rundown – yes I said YOU – doesn’t mean OTHERS don’t need one. Sheesh. Think of others once and a while, bub! Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I answer those questions to the best of my ability, and I give advice, some of which is more serious than the rest. And we all have a gay old time, just like on The Flintstones except our cars are not powered by our feetsies.
So, yet again!
Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.
Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!
These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And since this is where I live, I feel an obligation to do my best to help them. I am nothing if not helpful. Also spastic, but mostly helpful.
do people who work in hospitals wear turtlenecks Well, I guess it would depend on their dress code. Some hospitals make their employees wear scrubs; some are more laid-back. I know when I worked at a vet clinic, back in the day, I had to wear scrubs, and on cold days, I’d wear either thermals or a turtleneck under the scrubs (because the scrubs were a., extremely thin, and b., short-sleeved.) So I would either look at what the other employees are wearing, or ask whoever hires you what the rules are. Pretty easy, right? No one expects you to know these things on your first day. Don’t fret, sunshine. You’re welcome, have fun at the house of death! (Oh, wait, not everyone calls the hospital that? Just me? Sorry, I have a weird hospital-phobia.)
does joseph gordon levitt suffer with hay fever I don’t know, and I wouldn’t even know how to go about finding that out, to be honest. It’s not something you need to know, really. People want to know a lot of weird things about celebrities. Their shoe size, their allergens, if their skin would fit them as a suit if they kept them in a well in their basement. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is lovely and funny and handsome and creative, and one of my favorite people to watch onscreen, and please stop being his number-one fan, Annie Wilkes. You’re welcome, weirdo.
does zak bagans have asthma AGAIN. NOT IMPORTANT. I’m pretty sure he’s allergic to all things tasteful, does that help? To spell it out: he is a douchebag. You’re welcome, get a new celebrity crush.
what is a euphemism for happy accidents I think a happy accident is when you get pregnant by accident but you’re jazzed about it, right? Technically, and not to be an asshole, but “happy accident” IS a euphemism. Accidental pregnancy is the term, happy accident is the euphemism for that term. Additional euphemisms are “up the stump” and “on the nest” and “knocked up” and “OH SHIT THE CONDOM BROKE MOLLY!” You’re welcome, talk to Ken for additional help with euphemisms, it’s what we keep him around for. Well, that and the talk of cheese. You can’t really jettison someone who adores cheese that much, it would be unseemly.
how do you interact when you have nothing in your hand I don’t…this makes me both entertained and perplexed. How do you interact with whom? What do you mean by this? Is this a theater thing, like, improv or something, like you’re pretending to attack something with an imaginary knife or something along those lines? Are you talking about talking with your hands, which I do a lot? Is this a euphemism for something? I really want to help you with this one, I really do, but I don’t know what you MEAN. You’re welcome, and much too vague.
how to be skinny like barbie? yahoo Are you looking for the yahoo search engine, or are you cheering, “yahoo!” Or maybe you’re calling someone a yahoo? Either way, you don’t want to be skinny like Barbie. You’d tip over because you’d be too top-heavy for your little skinny legs. Just be healthy for your body-type, you. Don’t hate on yourself too much. It makes me sad. You’re welcome, you’re beautiful.
is “ice cream. it melted.” a poem? Um. Well, I suppose anything could be a poem, if presented properly. I read a book of poetry recently that was formatted like blog posts. Some might argue it wasn’t poetry. But it was presented as such, so who’s to say, really? I’d like to tell you that “ice cream.it melted” isn’t a poem, but I’m sure some people argued that e.e.cummings’ work wasn’t poetry when it came out, so I don’t want to be that asshole. No no not me. SPEAKING OF WHICH. I have discovered what might be my new favorite cummings’ poem. I might love it more than I love “ i carry your heart.” I’m so putting it in here. THIS is a poem. You’re welcome, read more poetry. (I can’t find it anywhere with the original formatting, which I’m sure is much better than this. I need to track it down at the library.)
You are tired
You are tired,
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.
Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away
(Only you and I, understand!)
You have played,
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and
So am I.
But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And I knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart
Open to me!
For I will show you places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.
Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.
Isn’t that wonderful? I totally swooned the first time I read this. Then I re-read it. Then I had some tears, and then I read it out LOUD, and then I luxuriated in the third stanza, which is complete and utter perfection. “You have played,/(I think)/And broke the toys you were fondest of,/And are a little tired now;/Tired of things that break, and/Just tired./So am I.” Oh. Oh, my. That “so am I” kills me. I adore this. I like that I can discover cummings poetry even as an adult that makes me all knee-weak and fluttery.
does jerking off cause baldness I don’t know. Are you rubbing your head while you do it? In that case, it might. Otherwise, nope. It also doesn’t cause you to wet the bed or grow hair on your palms. I know! Shocky-shock-shockerton. That’s something that people tell teens because they’re scared of sexuality. Masturbation is fine and healthy and normal, and everyone does it. Or, well, I guess some people don’t, for one reason or another, but I’m of the firm (heh) opinion everyone should. Just kind of be discreet about it. You don’t need to be doing it all out in public. That’s how you get arrested. You’re welcome, you’re just fine and so is your hirsuteness.
what is a nerdy euphemism for dammit Shit, I don’t know. Crikey? For the love of Pete? Frak? Goshdarnit? Poop? You’re welcome, I think. Goshdarnit.
why do people wear clear tongue rings A few reasons, but mostly because they want to keep the piercing open and yet not let people know they’ve got a tongue ring. So they get a clear tongue ring. This is worn sometimes to job interviews and sometimes onstage as an actor or actress. There are also clear nose rings for the same purposes. I’ve had my piercings long enough that I can go a while with mine out and the holes won’t start to close up. I don’t take the tongue ring out for much – I just am smart enough to not open my mouth very wide when I’m somewhere CLASSAY. I don’t wear my nose ring to fancy places. I never got to wear it to my last job. They told me when they hired me I wasn’t allowed to wear it. It wasn’t “that type of office.” Oh, a good one? Shock. Awe. You’re welcome, wasn’t that enlightening?
was meg ryan in howerd the duck No. It was Lea Thompson, from Back to the Future. I didn’t even have to look that up. You’re welcome, I’m a child of the 80s.
were really my heart lays Do you mean “where?” Where your heart lays? I think it’s “lies,” though. Anyway, I don’t know where your heart lies. Technically, in your chest, but I’m assuming you mean metaphorically, and you wouldn’t be asking this if you weren’t all angsty-angst in love, and that makes me sad for you. I know that feeling, cherry pie. It’s tough, right? You’re right between all the happy and all the sad? Yep. It’s kind of a mix of the best and the worst. I wish I had a fix for you, but I do not. I’d like to give you some cake and a hug, though. You’re welcome, best of all possible luck to you.
what does is that a blank in your pocket mean Well, when I used it a while back I was referring to that scandal where the kid got caught cheating at the Scrabble championship and he’d pocketed a few of the blanks they use when playing Scrabble. But when someone says, “is that a ____ in your pocket or are you just happy to see me,” it’s a joke. About erections. Do I need to explain it? FINE. See, if someone has something in their pocket that’s all poking out, you can say jokingly, “Is that a (shit, I don’t know, let’s say hammer) in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” because it COULD be a hammer, or it could be that seeing you gave them a hardon. HA HA HA. Get it? You’re welcome, did you grow up in a bubble?
what does it mean when you dream you hear nursery rhymes I don’t know. What does it mean? I don’t 100% understand your question. Sorry. You’re hearing nursery rhymes in your sleep? Weird things happen in our sleep, I can’t explain it. I woke up with “Not While I’m Around” from Into the Woods in my head this morning, who can tell why. Just one of those things. You’re welcome, maybe listen to some music you like before bed or something?
what doesth phrase manofmen mean I don’t know that I’ve heard that phrase. “man of men?” How would you even use that, “you’re a man of men?” I’ve heard “he’s a man among men,” is that the same thing? So, I guess my answer in short is, I don’t know. Sorry, sunshine. I don’t know that it’s a thing. You’re welcome, I guess find another saying?
what hapened to dunkin donuts coffee? Did something happen to it? I haven’t been able to afford it in MONTHS. Does it taste different, or is it no longer available in your area and you’re all sadface? Someone else is going to have to answer this for me, I’m too poor for fancy coffee drinks, you guys. You’re welcome, you rich person, you.
what is the expression “pull the cart before the mule”? I think it’s PUT the cart before the mule (well, actually horse), and it means to switch shit up. To do things in an unexpected order. To put the cart first, for example – the cart usually comes last. To shut the barn door after the horse is already out. That kind of thing. It’s one of those country sayings that my gramma loves, just go with it. You’re welcome, do you really have a mule? Can I come visit it?
why does the isle of man coat of arms have a raven on it Ooh, Andreas taught us this one once, I think! It is a raven that is featured in Norse mythology: one of Odin’s ravens, either Huginn or Muninn. Isn’t it nice that we have a science fellow that ALSO knows about NORSE MYTHOLOGY? Andreas really is the best. Someday I’m going to meet him and hug him the most. It’s going to be most excellent. You’re welcome, I’m so pleased I could answer that one intelligently!
why is the frog attracted to the pig because she is a whore The phrasing of this question totally gives me the giggles. “Because she is a whore!” Judgey much? I don’t know that Kermit’s attracted to Miss Piggy because she’s a WHORE, per se. I think he likes bossy women, or something. Who knows? That always confused me a little, too. But I don’t know that whorishness played into it. You’re welcome, this is a very funny question.
why is there so much secrecy surrounding gang stalking? Hee! Well, it wouldn’t really be “stalking” if EVERYONE knew about it, now would it? It would be more like…following. All out in the open. I think stalking, in itself, has to be kept on the down-low. Or else it’s no longer a thing. What do you want, questioner? Like, a book called “I Was a Gang Stalker?” I don’t know what to tell you, here. You’re welcome, this question makes me equal parts giggly and perplexed.
woman called me a bitch in the street is there anything i can do? There are lots of things you can do. You can yell back at her. You can walk away. You can put your coffee cup on your head and do a silly dance. You can buss a cap in her ass. (Is that the proper use of that phrase? I don’t know that I’ve ever written that out before.) You can pretend not to speak English and just keep saying, “por que? por que?” You can tell her to go take a flying leap in sign language. Your possibilities, my friend, are endless. Are you wondering if you can sue? Is that what you’re asking? Well, I’m sure there’s an ambulance-chasing lawyer in your town somewhere, call ’em up and see what they think. Mostly, I’d play it by ear. Most of the time, it’s best to ignore it, but if you just can’t control yourself, think of some sort of comeback and have at it – as long as you don’t think she’ll shank you. If you think she looks stabby, RUN AWAY. You’re welcome, I’m sorry you got street-shouted.
Well, there we go! All the questions, my sweet potatoes! All for you! Are you the most enlightened and amused and do you know ALL THE THINGS you didn’t know before? Yes! Yay! Keep on askin’ ’em, I’ll keep on answerin’ em!
Until next month – may your questions be answered and your searches bring you somewhere helpful, like here, or maybe to a therapist, who not only can answer your questions but can ALSO prescribe you MOOD-ALTERING DRUGS. YAY FOR BETTER LIVING THROUGH PHARMACEUTICALS!