An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 15)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:  

September! Fall is in the air! The nights are nippy and the days are cooler and windier and leaves are all blowing around and I feel like I can finally breathe again! YAY FOR FALL! It is my favorite. Fall makes me want to wear sweatshirts and snuggle. Summer makes me sweaty and out of sorts. I get a huge energy boost in fall. I’m pretty sure I have the opposite of seasonal affective disorder. Or, maybe I have it, but it happens on a different cycle than everyone else. That isn’t overly surprising. I’ve always been a little backwards.

I have switched to my flannel pjs and have never been happier. HUGE HAPPY SIGH.

This month’s search terms were not as pervy as they have been in the past. Aw, you guys! Are you cleaning up your acts? That’s nice. I like that a lot! You’re getting all respectable-like! Buttoning-up! Going to church! Getting a station wagon and a picket fence! Wait, you’re really not doing all those things, are you? Because if you do all those things, your next step is that you’re going to stop reading my blog. People who do those things would never want to hang out here, I don’t think. Or maybe they would, I don’t know. I would think this place would for the most part make them feel filthy and confused, though.

If I had a white picket fence I have no doubt it would look like this. BROKEN!

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the fifteenth one. As you can tell from the title. Fifteen! It’s like these posts are a TEENAGER! An angsty TEENAGER! All slamming their doors and stomping off in a huff! Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? I’m a giver. I’m kind. I’m loving. STOP LAUGHING. I totally am. FINE, FINE. I do it for whatever reason I do anything. Good times, I suppose.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups. Are you hoping you’ll be in the cool group? They’re all cool groups. Don’t sweat it. We’re all cool groups here at the ol’ Football.

Category the First: Aw, saddest!

“dr. sam beckett never returned home” – this is the last line (it’s a caption, actually) from the last episode of Quantum Leap. I BAWLED. I loved the hell out of that damn show. And if you watched the last episode, you know why this is so poignant – he had the chance to return home (well, at least the chance of a chance) and he gave it up to give his  best friend Al the life he deserved. Things about self-sacrifice and friendship SLAY me. And I was already invested in the show, so it kind of killed me. I just wept and wept. 

This, the last episode of “Six Feet Under,” and the Buffy episode “The Gift” – the three episodes of television that made me cry the most in my life. TRUE FACTS ABOUT AMY!

teenagers worried about being not pretty enough, not tall enough, not muscular enough, not skinny enough, not “perfect” enough – Aw, kiddos. School is the worst. I wish I had the words to fix this for you. I can tell you “it gets better” – it’s become so rote, but it’s the truth – but you don’t need to hear that again. Here’s what I will tell you: someday you’ll look back on the days when you felt these things and you’ll want to hug your younger-self. You probably aren’t going to laugh. Well, maybe you will if you’re well-adjusted. I’m told well-adjusted people laugh at these things. I do not. I still want to go back in time and give younger-me a pep-talk and kick those bullies asses from here to next Sunday. Or even the Sunday after that. You’re pretty enough, kids. You’re perfect just the way you are. And the people who are telling you otherwise are assholes who have some serious life-smackdowns waiting for them up ahead. It’s tough to do, but please start cultivating your honey badger don’t-give-a-shit attitude. These kids’ll be a blip in your radar in a few years and you’ll find your tribe and all will be well. I promise. You’re EVERYTHING-enough, teens. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Category the Second: GRAMMAR COUNTS, LIEBCHEN.

alot of planets
bear naked lady
headaches after eating duncan donuts 

A and lot ALWAYS NEED TO BE SEPARATED BY A SPACE. There is never, never, NEVER a situation where “alot” is a word. “Allot” is a word, but it’s not what you mean to say. If you mean many of something, you mean “a lot.” End of story. I see “alot” and I get immedia-stabby. Why do you think it’s all one word? Why why WHY?

A bear naked lady. Huh. This could go in a lot of ways. Is it a bear, and a nudist? Did the bear steal the lady’s clothing? OR DID YOU MISSPELL BARE? Quick lesson: “bear” is an animal, “bare” means stripped. You can remember it thusly: the word “are” is in “bare” – and you “are” bare. The word “ear” is in “bear”- and bears have ears. (Yes, yes, so do humans, but don’t overthink it.)

Duncan Donuts! Is he friends with Jimmy Hamburger and Josie Hotdog and Alex Cupcake? You DUNK your donuts. It’s DUNKIN’ Donuts. (Also, why are you getting headaches after eating donuts? I guess I have to ask, how many are you eating, and are you diabetic or something?) Duncan Donuts, by the way, always makes me think of my beloved Veronica Mars. There was a character named Duncan and his sister called him Donut. It always made me laugh.

He really was a donut. I hated this toolbag.

Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser 

“parc safari” drugged animals
analysis for poem, “old lady who swallowed the fly”?
animal pigs sex. mr bad
bear tree trampoline
create a bumper sticker of one of the tx state animal is a armadillo (4 people?)
doggystyle joke
funny amygdala jokes
i was teary. when i sieg heil and hurt my pinky. 

They don’t drug the animals at Parc Safari. Do they? Did you just ruin my childhood? You damn joysucker.

“The old lady who swallowed a fly” does not need analysis. It’s a children’s rhyme. It’s a jokey thing about a woman who swallows things that are too large for her to swallow. (THAT IS NOT A EUPHEMISM.) The Nephew loves it. It makes him laugh and laugh and his eyes get all big if you perform it correctly. “Correctly” means with many gestures and much facial expression. I like to act up for The Nephew. He reacts very well to my antics.

Animals pigs sex Mr. Bad? I don’t know what this means. It’s like word salad. Do you have a head injury? A filthy pervy head injury?

Bear tree trampoline! Hee! Bounce bounce bounce!

The Texas armadillo bumper sticker thing makes me giggle. Four people were looking for this! Four! I hope you somehow found your armadillo Texas bumper sticker. I feel like you really deserve it. I also hope it is shaped like Texas, because then it would be a Texas-shaped thing, and that would make Ken happy.

ZOMG LOOK WHAT I FOUND FOR YOU! I win internetting!!!

I don’ t know any jokes about doggystyle or the amygdala. Honestly, I don’t know that there’s anything innately funny about either of those things? What am I missing?

What is this odd sieg heil rhymey thing? Is it song lyrics? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Category the Fourth: NO NO NO. Stop it.

caracal cat for sale albany new York
everything zak bagans  
kate winslet trollop        
tom cruise sexy kiss

You cannot HAVE a caracal. They are not PETS. They are wild ANIMALS. They will eat your FACE. Someone here in my town wants a caracal? You are not allowed. Get a cat. A REAL cat, not a wild ANIMAL. 

I am NOT A PET. I will EAT YOUR FACE. Eat it RIGHT OFF YOUR HEAD.

EVERYTHING Zak Bagans? Ugh, please just stop. He is the GROSSEST. He is GREASY and he is SMARMY and he is FAKE and he NEVER FINDS GHOSTS. Please stop now. You’re embarrassing yourself and, honestly, everyone else around you.

Kate Winslet is not a trollop! She saves lives and has many bon-vivanty adventures with Ken. I will punch you in the neck if you malign my Kate Winslet. She is WONDERFUL.

NOT A TROLLOP. You’re a trollop, you trollopy trollop. Shut up about my Kate.

There isn’t a single kiss that Tom Cruise has ever had, either on-screen or off, that has been sexy. He tends to either not pay attention or inhale people’s faces. I blame all that tooth-tooth-toothiness.

“Where are the cameras? Am I in my best light? Don’t move, Kate. DON’T MOVE I SAID. It’s in your CONTRACT not to move. STAND STILL WOMAN-HUMAN!”

Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh. 

all lovers are not fuckers but all fuckers are definately lovers
cartoon image of lucy stating i’m goin gto be cranky today
i want a good looking mule
if johnny has 2 apples and 1 orange what time does his train leave
i’m going to europe to see if i can ever just be whelmed
jerry jennings orange
kangaroos eating leafs
laughy laughy face face
my cats facebook
my mom says im a cat im popular
not now panda
please don’t kill me i’m Canadian
ron swanson tiny hat
singy mcgee
the naughtiness              

I like your little if/then statement. All lovers are not fuckers, but all fuckers are lovers. You should use that on an exam!* (*Do not use that on an exam.)

This Lucy is often cranky, and would like that image on a t-shirt, please.

I’m not going to think too deeply on why you might want a good-looking mule. I’m hoping just because you like pretty things. Yes, that’s what I hope. That, and only that.

Ooh! A math problem! If Johnny has two apples and one orange, what time does his train leave? The answer, of course, is “overcoat.”

You can totally be whelmed in Europe. So says 10 Things I Hate About You. I think I would be TOTALLY overwhelmed in Europe, however, and I’m pretty sure my head would explode from the awesomeness.

Jerry Jennings IS orange! It’s one of the claims-to-fame we’ve got going on around here. Albany’s got an orange mayor, who some people call “Mayor McCheese” because he is the color of processed cheese. “Mayor McCheese” makes my dad laugh and laugh every time I say it.

Strangely, he doesn’t photograph as orange as he is. He’s the one on the left, by the way. (And I actually don’t dislike the guy. He does a decent job. He’s just orange.)

“Leafs!” That makes me smile. I know it’s a misspelling but it’s ADORABLE.

I couldn’t find a kangaroo eating leaves that I liked so here’s a kangaroo eating grass with a quizzical look on his face. Aw!

“laughy laughy face face,” “the naughtiness,” and “singy mcgee” make me smile, too. We like such things around here.

Now that Dumbcat knows people are searching for “my cat’s facebook” he wants me to set him up one. I told him no. He’d just download a bunch of porn and get a virus on my laptop. He doesn’t have the best decision-making skills.

If your mom says you’re a cat and you’re popular, she’s not only quoting a song from my college years incorrectly, she’s calling you a CAT. Which is kind of awesome, if you think about it. I wish my mom called me a cat. I had a friend who called me a cat sometimes. We kind of lost touch. I miss him now and then.

NOT NOW PANDA! I am BUSY and you are ANNOYING me!

Come on, if not now, then when? Please? Please? I HAVE THIS STICK WE CAN PLAY WITH!

Please don’t kill the Canadians. They are very kind and intelligent.

Ron Swanson in a tiny hat is only the best thing to happen on television in just about ever. Nice search, my friend.

TINY HAT!

Category the Sixth: Multicultural fun!

soy un pays (“I am” in Spanish…”countries” in French? CROSS-CULTURAL!)
майкл джексон в детстве (Michael Jackson as a child in Russian!)
لبنى كمر 2010 (Lubna composting 2010 in Arabic – I don’t…huh.)

Yay, my foreign searchers are back! Welcome back, foreign searchers! I don’t know that I was able to help with any of these searches, though. I feel kind of terrible. I hope you were able to find some answers, my sassy friends from foreign climes!

Category the Seventh: What is…huh.

here i am with a broken heart here i am totally ashamed vim not defend or show me my reason but, lord, i’m here heal my heart what love is not the one that launches out what love is not me that ignores perfect love, true is the love of my lord hino gospel

This is very confusing. Is it a prayer? Is it a cry for help? Is it a crazy-person? It sounds like something Zuul would say, doesn’t it? What is “hino gospel?” What is “vim not defend?” Why did someone put this entire paragraph/run-on sentence into a search engine? By reposting this, did I just voodoo myself into being haunted by a Lovecraftian beastie? CONFUSED. And honestly a little scared.

Category the Eighth: Things that are fairly awesome.

endorphin molecule tattoos
game of thrones cartoon lucy pulling football from jon snow
girl pet raccoon eats face
pussycat innuendos
remove yourself from the presence of a bully
valedictorian speech example unicorn
van airbrushed wizard
very special episodes blossom list
wildschwein tattoo
wolf goat gremlin
you know what they say about bon vivants        

I think someone’s trying to give me ideas for my next tattoo. I don’t think it’ll be an endorphin molecule, or a wildschwein, but I think those are EXCELLENT suggestions and MOST kickass. Nicely-done! (It’s going to be words, in case you were wondering. Lines from a poem. I just haven’t 100% decided which poem yet, or where on my body it’s going.)

Here is endorphin. Even though this is pretty. I think I’d go with dopamine, personally.

Why is Lucy pulling the football from Jon Snow? That being said, I’d totally wear the shit out of that shirt.

EATING FACES! I love that I’m the go-to site when people have questions about wild animals eating your face off.

The innuendo question is for Ken. I’ll leave this here for him. He can handle this one. It’s kind of what he does.

Yes. Please remove yourself from the presence of a bully. Barring that, talk to me. I’ve got some coping mechanisms. Barring THAT, well, don’t rule out the fact I might show up and give that little asshole a smackdown. Bullies make me want to retaliate.

Is there going to be a unicorn in your valedictory speech? That is going to be an excellent speech. Congratulations!

Ooh, are you airbrushing a wizard on the side of your sweet custom van? NICE. You will be beating the ladies off with a STICK!* (*Don’t beat anyone with sticks, please. Only pinatas. You can beat pinatas with sticks.)

Here, I found this for you. You’re welcome.

Hee! Remember very special episodes of Blossom? They were my favorites. Someone was always dabbling with drugs or someone was always moving next door to a child molester or something. There were SO MANY of them. It got to the point where EVERY episode was special. And once everything’s special, nothing is, you know?

In this Very Special Episode of “Blossom,” Blossom learns the value of dressing like a 50-year-old spinster.

Wolf! Goat! Gremlin! ALL OF THOSE THINGS AT ONCE!!!

You know what they say about bon vivants. Wait, you do, don’t you? Know what they say? What’s that? You DON’T? Oh, well, what they say is that bon vivants are the most fun, and if you are lucky enough to know one (well, a good one, anyway) that bon vivant will take you vicariously along to places like London and Berlin and Texas and various places in between. Plus, bon vivants make every day an adventure, and somehow know just what to say to cheer you up when you need something and you didn’t even think you did. Because they are MAGICAL. And that is what they say about bon vivants. Or, at least, that’s what they say about ONE PARTICULAR BON VIVANT who is one of my favorite humans. Or so I hear. That’s the gossip going ’round the ol’ Football.

There we go! Our search terms for September! One of my most favorite months! Guess what next month is? MY MOST FAVORITE MONTH EVER EVER EVER!!! Thanks for the searches, my lost and gone forevers. I hope this helped.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches. 

Love, Me. 

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)