Here we are! It’s the beginning of another week. Well, not for YOU. For YOU, it’s Tuesday. For me, the week’s just beginning. I bend space and time, yeah? I’m pretty fancy.
So this week’s pretty exciting, because you get extra-me! Over at Insatiable Booksluts, we’re celebrating Stephen King week!
I’ve written a number of Stephen King-y posts for your reading enjoyment, and my partners-in-crime have written amazing posts, as well, and it’s going to be totally kickass. Keep an eye over there (but you’re already doing that, right? I mean, why wouldn’t you be? It’s one of the best things about the internet, and not just because I’m one of the contributors) or you can like my Facebook page over there on your right (well, unless you’re reading this in a feed reader, in which case you’d have to click onto my blog to like my Facebook page, but it’s really as easy as pie!) and I’ll post over on Facebook every time one of my King week posts goes up this week. But you should really read them all, because the ladies and I have been sharing and chatting and geeking out over them for a few weeks now and I am quite sure you’ll love each and every one. Also, it’s Stephen King’s 65th birthday on September 21! Happy early birthday to my favorite author of all time who has gotten me through some of the darkest times of my life with some of the darkest images in literature! I would never have survived high school without your books to save me. Never in a million years. So thank you for that, King. You’re the best.
We have an important article to discuss today before I get my shit together and eff on off to work for the night shift. Here are things that are bad about the night shift: missing all my television programs (ESPECIALLY during premiere time! Arghhhh!); working at night (I like nights, but I like to be sitting on my couch with Dumbcat during them); being sleepy at work; the shift takes a LONG TIME because there’s not a high call volume to make it go by quickly; missing out on all the good nighttime internet fun. Here is what’s GOOD about working at night: the calls slow down; the night-shift people are pretty uniformly awesome and laid-back; the people who do call in almost all have legitimate emergencies and are apologetic about bothering us; the traffic home is light and I get home quickly. It’s a toss-up, really. Anyway, I need the money, they need me tonight, and I owe ’em over there. Big-time. So I’m going in. COVER ME I’M GOING IN.
The Reader’s Digest (which seems to be the place where articles about common-sense things go to die) had an article about “Ten Things You Should Never Buy at a Garage Sale.” Now, I know some people have excellent luck at garage sales. I do not. Not ever. Because I avoid garage sales. I always feel like I’m picking over someone’s life, and if I don’t buy something, I’m rejecting them, and I’m rejecting their THINGS and their LIFE and they just make me sad. Also, I live in a very small place and there’s no more room for more things. I NEED things, sure I do, I just don’t have ROOM for them. I barely have room for the million billion things I DO have. Including myself and Dumbcat. Anyway, I appreciate the IDEA of garage sales, they just don’t work for me. Oh, also, sometimes they want you to haggle. I can’t haggle. It gives me hives. (I’m better at thrift stores. At thrift stores, if you don’t find anything, you can leave, and no one’s feelings are injured, because it’s a store, you know?)
The things that the Reader’s Digest says you shouldn’t buy are:
- bike helmets
- plasma televisions
OK, some of these are kind of slightly-common-sensey (like, if someone’s selling a $200 plasma TV, or a $50 laptop, at a garage sale? Caveat emptor, you know? You’re a dummy if you think that’s going to be brand-new showroom-shiny.) But the rest of this stuff?
DO NOT BUY THESE THINGS USED.
Well, except shoes. I’ve totally purchased used shoes. Don’t even judge. I have a pair of used Docs that I really love. Well, at least I used to. They’re getting pretty run-down and one of them has something wrong with the sole and makes a little swooshy noise when I walk, but I’ve had them for ages. They’ve served me well and they were very inexpensive. I wouldn’t wear them without socks, though. Someone else wore those. I’m not idiotic.
And cribs? Well, there are safety concerns about cribs, and those change all the time, so I guess I see why used cribs are a bad idea. But if you took out the mattresses and such, and replaced them with new ones, and it was just a basic crib…not the WORST idea in the world. I mean, if you can’t afford anything else.
But the rest? No no no. Anything that goes on your head, you don’t buy used. BECAUSE LICE. That was on someone’s HEAD. I won’t use someone’s comb, or wear someone’s hat, or ANYTHING head-related. I learned that in elementary school. (The only exception is my parents. I will use my parents’ brush or wear my dad’s baseball cap. Or my brother’s. They don’t have lice. Or cooties. Or random head-ick.)
Carseats – well, they’re like cribs, with the rules on safety changing all the time. And I don’t think I’d trust my baby to a carseat I didn’t know was the best of the best. You’d feel pretty terrible if you bought a used carseat and then you were in an accident and your baby went flying through the windshield, wouldn’t you? Who are you going to blame? I don’t even think an ambulance-chasing lawyer would touch that one with a ten-foot pole, you know? Also, did you ever see that movie with Rosie Perez and…shit, I want to say Jeff Bridges where he demonstrated that you can’t hold onto a baby when you’re speeding in a car and hit a wall? That’s really apropos of nothing, I just thought of it. I want to say it was called Unbreakable but I might be wrong. Nope, I am. The internet tells me it was called Fearless.
If you buy used tires at at garage sale you are a goofball. You don’t know how long those have been on the road or what’s wrong with them or what kind of car they were on. Don’t do that. Don’t. You’re going to have a blowout going 80 on the highway and THEN you’ll feel silly, won’t you? No, wait, you won’t feel anything. You’ll be dead dead dead.
Mattress? NO NO NO. You do NOT buy a used mattress. Not ever. A., PEOPLE SLEPT ON THAT. There are FLUIDS in there. Sweat and…um…FLUIDS. That is DISGUSTING. B., BEDBUGS YO. Do you KNOW about bedbugs? Those suckers are like impossible get rid of. Do you WANT to invite bedbugs into your home? If so, you are NUTS.
Finally: swimsuits. If you buy a used swimsuit ever, I am going to disown you. Then I think I’m going to burn down your house. If you’re a guy…well, swim trunks (NOT BANANA HAMMOCKS!) are just shorts, so I suppose that’s not THE grossest. But women’s bathing suits? You are buying used underwear. That’s all snuggled up to your cootch. That was snuggled up to someone ELSE’S cootch. I don’t care how much you wash and bleach that shit, THAT IS NOT SANITARY. Don’t you ever even. Either buy yourself a new bathing suit or skinny-dip or go swimming in your damn t-shirt and shorts but DO NOT BUY A USED BATHING SUIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN AREA.
OK. So, what have we learned, kittens and cats? Things you CAN buy at garage sales: random shit like end-tables and brooches and Milli Vanilli CDs and old board games which may or may not be missing a piece or two. Things you can NOT buy: things that go on or around your cootch or head, and also things that have had fluids spilled on them. JUST SAY NO TO FLUIDS.
Happy day! Be careful out there! As Dad would say, “Watch out for the other guy. The other guy is always an asshole.”