The lovely sj sent me an article that bears mention the other day. Thank you to sj, who is wonderful and awesome and keeps me the most sane. A lot of wonderful things have come from the internet. sj is heads-and-shoulders one of the best of those. Love you, sj!
So you know how there are some people in the world who are nuts? Whoa, that’s already super-mean. Let’s start over.
You know how there are people in the world who are like, super-boring, then there are some who are middle-of-the-road, then there are some who are awesome, then there are some who are BATSHIT CRAZY?
I’m not really making things better here.
OK, so twice now, in the past, shit, I don’t know, six months, maybe, or so, I’ve seen these people doing these weird-as-hell things and I’m just kind of confused. And sad for them. And I’m being a little over-the-top. Maybe they’re not nuts. Maybe it just makes them super-happy? And that’s great. But as happy as they are, the more confused I am.
First, there was the Barbie-lady. Do you remember the Barbie-lady?
OK, fine, her name wasn’t the Barbie-lady. Her name was Valeria Lukyanova. IS Valeria Lukyanova, I don’t think she’s dead or anything. Our pal Val is from the Ukraine and, through quite a little bit of plastic surgery, some major makeup, and some weird, dead-eyed posing, she has turned herself into the Human Barbie. AND IT IS UTTERLY TERRIFYING.
Seriously, what if this person was in your house? Would you hide in the pots-and-pans cupboard with Dumbcat? I think I would.
Now, listen. I’m all for people following their bliss and doing whatever jazzes ’em. Sure I am. I think cosplay is fun and awesome and empowering and creative. But also, after you’re done with that, you can take that off and be yourself again. Plastic surgery is PERMANENT. Also, seriously, the spinal issues from these GIGANTIC BOOBS are going to KILL this girl someday when she’s old. And…ok, it’s not just the breast augmentation, which, seriously, coming from hefty ol’ peasant stock, I absolutely am befuddled with. (OK, fine. I GET IT. If I wasn’t blessed by the mammary gods and goddesses maybe I’d be all “MAN I want those!” but I am here to tell you – they are not all they’re cracked up to be. Seriously. They are mostly just a cumbersome pain in the ass. Or, back, I guess. Pain in the back.) No, it’s not just the boobs and whatever’s going on in the face-area to make it all Botox-wooden. There’s this waist-situation going on, too.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. The waist-thing! And those THIGHS! No one’s thighs look like this, not really, do they? I’m really kind of squicked-out by this whole thing. Oh, but just like an infomercial, there’s more. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.
I like this one the most because she blends right in with the couch. You’d probably sit on her and she’d be all “squeak!” and you’d be like, “dude, did I sit on a dog toy, or what?”
Now, ol’ Val says this is all natural and she’s not had any work done. I don’t know that even a high-powered regimen of diet and exercise could make you have a waist and thighs like that. Here’s a before-and-after of her face. I can almost believe she didn’t have any facial work done. The body…well, diet and exercise doesn’t make you a EEE cup, or whatever’s going on up topside there, Val.
Here’s the thing. SHE WAS ALREADY SO PRETTY. Why does she want to look like a Barbie doll? She was pretty before that! Why didn’t she just dress like one sometimes or something? Is it a sickness? Is it just something that makes someone happy? Oh, gross, ew ew ew is it a sex thing? Is it? Please say no. You can’t have sex with this girl, she’s too damn skinny. She’d break like a twig. Is she nuts? Because honestly, the girl in the photo above on the left, and even the girl in the photo above on the right, are prettier than the dead-eyed frozen-pose Barbie girl. Is it for the fame? Please to explain. I am honestly confused. You’ve all heard that Barbies wouldn’t be able to walk or stay upright if they were human, right? Like, with the topheavy-ness and the tipped-up feet and such? I’m not one of those “DON’T LET OUR GIRLS PLAY WITH BARBIES! NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE!” people. I played with Barbies and I never thought, “DAMN but if I could look like a Barbie my life would be complete!” Nope. Not even once. I mostly just liked all the sparkly dresses. And the little shoes. I found them so impressive. SO MANY SHOES. SMALL CUNNING SHOES. And I liked to braid their hair. I wasn’t a very good girl, I guess. I also equally liked my Legos and my brother’s G.I. Joe dolls and my paper dolls and my books. I wasn’t very Barbie-obsessed, I guess. Also, I never understood wanting a baby doll you fed and comforted and it peed and stuff. Why would you want that? To practice for when you were a mom? Good grief, who wants to be a mom when you’re a KID? Unless you’re one of those weird pregnancy-pact teens or something. I don’t know that I wanted to be a mom then any more than I do now. I FAILED BEING A GIRL.
Then there’s this person that sj found for me. Equally as confusing as the Barbie girl, we have the anime-girl!
This is Anastasiya Shpagina. She wants to be an anime character. Not just at comic-con or whatever. All the time.
She doesn’t seem to have had plastic surgery. She just uses a shit-ton of makeup. And what freaks me out the most here are these contacts. YOU ARE GOING TO GET PINKEYE. Listen, you don’t eff around with your EYES. Eyes are not something to be TOYED with. You are an IDIOT if you think your eyes are something to eff with. Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life blind? Because screw with your eyes, you could. I wore contacts for years and then they started to get itchy because I have these weird adult-onset year-round allergies so I stopped and now it’s all glasses, all the time for me (well, not while I’m sleeping, duh) and I can’t even BELIEVE some of the crap I’d do to my eyes. I’m lucky I’m not wearing dark glasses and tapping my way around town with a cane, seriously. I kind of want a seeing-eye dog, though. That’d be cool. Anyway, I slept in those things for DAYS. I put them in without sterilizing them, I was NOT cautious. I was such a dummy. Gigantic fake contacts are NOT A GOOD IDEA.
This chick is ALSO from the Ukraine. What’s going on in the Ukraine that everyone wants to look like a toy and/or a cartoon?
Wait, wait, I take back the no-plastic-surgery thing. WHAT IS UP WITH THE WAIST THING, YO. Are they removing RIBS? What is HAPPENING? Ouch ouch OUCH. Is this sexy? Please stop it.
And, lookie lookie, Barbie and Anime are FRE-YUNDS!
BFFs, yo! United in…weirdness? I don’t know.
This is a video about anime-girl and Barbie-girl. It is in Russian. At least I think it is. I don’t know anyone who speaks Russian so I can’t get you a translation. If you want to help me translate, I’d be ever so grateful. I’ll make you a badge or something, won’t that be nice?
OK, listen, as I was saying. If it floats your boat, great. You go. You do your thing. But a., I worry that making all these permanent changes to yourself are a cry for help, and b., I think maybe you’re looking for attention because you’re not happy with yourself the way you are.
Are we all a little weird-looking and do we all have things about ourselves we’d like to change? Well, shit, yes. Of course. But come on, you don’t need to do this to yourself, not permanently. When you are 80 you’re not going to look back and say, “the best decision I ever made in my life was to become a human Barbie.” At least, I don’t think it will be. I can’t imagine a scenario where that would be the case.
You’re fine the way you are. I promise. Even if you don’t think you are. We are all our own worst and harshest critics.
Also, please don’t decide you want to become a cat. Because even the lion-lady changed her mind and is getting surgery to reverse all of the lion-ness.
I didn’t say it was SUCCESSFUL, just that she REGRETTED it and has ATTEMPTED to change it. This is why you don’t make weird permanent changes to your bodies, my little peach cobblers.
September 16th, 2012 at 12:03 pm
She had giant boobs? And I didn’t notice? I must be broken. Or, perhaps I was distracted by those DEAD DEAD EYES!
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:57 pm
The boobs are scary-big. And the eyes are SO SO DEAD. It is mucho distressing.
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:09 pm
There’s a human head on that couch! There is an actual human head on that couch!!
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:56 pm
That couch photo made me snort laughter. Even the pattern on her clothing is the same as the couch! It’s like she’s camouflaged!
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Ah, so that was the video you guys wanted translated! It’s all so clear to me now.
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:56 pm
Hee! Yep. sj was all, “do we know anyone that speaks Russian?” and I said, “Hmm, maybe Andreas, I will see!” :)
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Ok, so I know you count on me for the honest opinion. Maybe not, but I guess I count on me for an honest opinion. They both look pretty cute. Seriously, would never recommend their obsession to anyone, but they’re both pretty much head turners. Can’t say anything about their personalities based on pictures, of course, which is what ultimately matters.
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September 16th, 2012 at 12:55 pm
They were cute before, though! Do you think they’re cute now when they’re all dead-eyed weird? Because before, adorable! Now, scary!
I know, if I spoke Russian, I could make a more formed opinion on the whole thing. Damn my wasted youth. I should have been learning languages.
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September 16th, 2012 at 7:27 pm
It’s terrifying to me that photoshop and video games or whatever combination of misogynist and objectifying media have cause real life opinions that this is desirable. I understand a knee-jerk response because this fantasy is what we’re shown, but to articulate this thought if you have actually analyzed it at all is unbelievable to me. These women look like cartoons that are so disconnected from a human being’s body. Like Amy, I am uncertain how they are not living with consequences to their health. I hope they would turn heads because of their implausibility and not because of their desirability.
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September 16th, 2012 at 2:07 pm
i have asked someone to translate.
but i will be surprised if that makes this business any clearer.
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:45 pm
You’re probably right. I love that you have a Russian translator on tap! Oh, my bon vivanty friends. Where would I be without you?
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September 16th, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Those girls are real????? That’s gross. But honestly, it makes me feel so sad for them that they are so messed up that they can’t appreciate their own selves. Have you seen Taboo on Nat Geo? They had an episode where this guy from the Philippines had tons of plastic surgery in order to look like Superman, like a white, not Filipino, from the television Superman. Can anyone say body dysmorphic disorder?
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:43 pm
I have not seen Taboo! Ooh, that sounds interesting! I love things like that.
Yep, they’re real. Real and worrisome.
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September 16th, 2012 at 7:51 pm
The thing I can’t understand is this anime girl saying that she intends to have surgery on her eyes so that she DOESN’T HAVE TO DO ALL THE MAKEUP! What the hell?! Like, the makeup thing I can kind of understand (even though I was never into all the makeup), but SURGERY? SO THAT IT’S PERMANENT?
Ugh.
Also, she weighs EIGHTY FIVE POUNDS and wants to lose MORE WEIGHT so that she can be EVEN MORE LIKE her anime friends.
That sounds like a disorder, how is this…I don’t even.
Also, <3 you whole honey bunches of oats too. <3 <3 <3
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:41 pm
Like, permanent makeup tattooing, or something? That worries me. Anyone who gets that done is insane. Makeup styles change all the time. Even day to night makeup is different. You want PERMANENT makeup? You are SO going to regret that, Sally Sunshine.
I don’t know why you’re confused about the 85 pounds. I ALSO WEIGH THAT MUCH. Oh, wait, that was when I was in…shit, third grade? Fourth? I don’t even know. I don’t know too many grown women who weigh that much. It’s frightening, and it can’t be healthy.
Aw! Honey Bunches of Oats! Now I want cereal.
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September 17th, 2012 at 12:02 am
No, um…they do this surgery (in some Asian country, not sure which one) to change the shape of your eyes. She wants to have the surgery to change her eye shape so she doesn’t have to do the makeup to make her eyes look like that anymore.
Like this lady.
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September 17th, 2012 at 12:12 am
Oh, my. OH MY SJ OH MY.
Stop it stop it stop it, people. You do not need plastic surgery to get scary huge doll-eyes. (Also, that girl was ALSO gorgeous before, what the hell?)
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September 17th, 2012 at 12:22 am
I know, I think she was too.
I can also think of many things I’d rather spend $136,000 on.
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September 17th, 2012 at 12:24 am
ME TOO. How much bon vivanting could I do with that money? SO MUCH, is how much. Good grief. Bon vivanting is always better than scary dead doll-eyes.
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September 17th, 2012 at 12:24 am
ALL THE BON VIVANTING!
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September 16th, 2012 at 7:52 pm
My simple explanation (for very complicated and rare cases) is patriarchy and the male gaze. Even if women find this enjoyable, I believe it’s because it caters to what men are “supposed” to find attractive and thus gives the women the illusion of power and of having control over their bodies. Which is bullshit. This is way bigger than any one person doing these things to their bodies. I have no idea why these cases have popped up in the Ukraine specifically though. Aaaand that Aqua song is stuck in my head now.
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:38 pm
Maybe it’s easier to get unneccessary plastic surgery in the Ukraine? Or it’s cheaper?
I love that song! I’ve been singing it all day, too! :)
I wonder if the men that *would* find this attractive, once these girls get them, would even be the kind of men they’d want? My guess is no.
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September 17th, 2012 at 7:02 am
True, it could be easier or cheaper. I’m not even sure what these women would want in a partner. Or would they go for whoever fit the physical type of a supposedly ideal man? Regardless, I have doubts about someone engaging in a healthy relationship with a self-esteem canyon that big.
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September 17th, 2012 at 9:45 am
I’m going to assume they want someone with money – because they’re going to want more surgeries, right? Someone like this is never going to be satisfied with themselves and always want something a little more, a little better, is my guess. So they probably don’t care what he looks/acts like, as long as he’s got money for them. This is all just too, too sad.
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September 16th, 2012 at 8:20 pm
Totally agree, Jenna. I think these are extreme cases of women internalizing cultural standards of beauty to the point of attempting to make them as real as possible. It’s a sign of cultural disorder. And isn’t it strange that when these images stamped as “beautiful” are made real, we all recoil in disgust and confusion??
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:32 pm
Is it mental illness, do you think? Or just thinking they’re not good enough? Attention-seeking? Body dysmorphism? I’m completely confused. Maybe I’m getting too old to live in the world, I don’t know.
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September 17th, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Sorry, I was trying to pack in a lot of thought into a few jumbled words. What I mean is that as a culture, people define standards of beauty, and it seems like these women have so deeply subscribed to those standards that they are trying to make them realized through plastic surgery, dieting, make-up, etc. People do this everyday, in small ways (swiping a tinted chapstick on before leaving the house) or bigger ways (plastic surgery); these cases are extreme because they involve so many of those methods, and because of the lengths they’ve gone to, we can see that those standards actualized are grotesque because they aren’t really human (like those giant anime eyes, or Barbie’s mega thin waist). Am I just being more confusing? I think I am. I’m sorry, I’ll stop now and put my soapbox away.
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September 18th, 2012 at 12:16 am
No, you’re not being confusing at all. That makes total sense. I wonder if it’d make any sense to them? If they even have any idea that’s what’s driving them? Or it’s just something that’s behind it all and they’re not even self-aware?
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September 16th, 2012 at 9:05 pm
Looks nothing like Barbie. this is sad and pathetic and she really got ripped off by her plastic surgeon. I pass women on the street every day that haven’t had plastic surgery that look more like Barbie than this girl.
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:30 pm
Huh. You do? That seems…odd. Unless you live in Hollywood, I suppose.
I don’t really have an issue with her resemblance to Barbie. I worry about what drove her to decide she wanted to permanently look like a sexualized children’s toy.
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September 16th, 2012 at 9:59 pm
Jenna and Laura have said everything I was going to say. I agree with them wholeheartedly. It actually makes me feel really bad for these women, and it makes me nervous about raising a daughter. We talk and talk and talk about this stuff, but society and marketing are fighting me every day. Sigh.
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:28 pm
I think a strong background and knowing they have support will go a long way in creating a strong woman. I mean, there’s also genetics – some of us (mecoughme) came out of the WOMB being stubborn, obstinate little cusses – but knowing she has support from both you and your husband will work wonders. You can’t do much about society or marketing – they’ll always be there and they’ll always be working against you – but if she’s strong enough to face them, and strong enough to laugh at them when they’re absurd, I think she’ll be alright. (And with you for a mom, I’m already guessing she’ll be excellent.)
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September 16th, 2012 at 11:56 pm
Aw, thanks, Amy. She really does impress me often–she already hates watching commercials, and she is constantly pointing out everything that is wrong with them. Haha!
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September 17th, 2012 at 12:12 am
See? She’s already well on her way to awesomeness! :)
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September 17th, 2012 at 1:29 pm
That is awesome! Yay, your daughter :D
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September 17th, 2012 at 9:56 am
Is it me, or do anime-girl and barbie look really weird together?
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September 17th, 2012 at 10:13 am
They look really weird together AND they look really weird apart. It’s equal-opportunity weirdness.
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September 17th, 2012 at 9:59 am
I am never getting a boob job until they come up with adjustable boobs. That way if I want to look sexy at some fancy martini bar when I am out with my friend who looks like a barbie doll… I can pump up to double D’s. Then, when I want to go jogging later, I can back it down to a A cup.
All I am saying, is that they need to work on their boob technology before I’m signing on.
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September 17th, 2012 at 10:12 am
Ooh, I’d totally go for that. I wouldn’t mind having the option. I’d always opt down, though. I’ve gone long enough with big. I’m ready for small. Let the other ladies get the leers, I’m all full up here.
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September 17th, 2012 at 10:00 am
It might be fun to have a friend who looks like a barbie doll. I would take her around places just to freak people out.
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September 17th, 2012 at 10:11 am
You could dress her up in prom dresses and things. She’d be like a life-sized toy. Fun!
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September 17th, 2012 at 3:36 pm
You know what makes Barbie girl look “normal?” Sitting her beside anime girl. Those eyes. You know those earring plug things that stretch your ear out? What if that’s happening to her eyes? AAAAHHHHHH!!
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September 18th, 2012 at 12:08 am
AAAHHHH is RIGHT! Ew ew ew! So gross!
Barbie girl really does look relatively normal next to anime-girl. It’s worrisome.
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June 5th, 2013 at 11:46 am
[…] Life in plastic, it’s fantastic. […]
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