The lovely sj sent me an article that bears mention the other day. Thank you to sj, who is wonderful and awesome and keeps me the most sane. A lot of wonderful things have come from the internet. sj is heads-and-shoulders one of the best of those. Love you, sj!
So you know how there are some people in the world who are nuts? Whoa, that’s already super-mean. Let’s start over.
You know how there are people in the world who are like, super-boring, then there are some who are middle-of-the-road, then there are some who are awesome, then there are some who are BATSHIT CRAZY?
I’m not really making things better here.
OK, so twice now, in the past, shit, I don’t know, six months, maybe, or so, I’ve seen these people doing these weird-as-hell things and I’m just kind of confused. And sad for them. And I’m being a little over-the-top. Maybe they’re not nuts. Maybe it just makes them super-happy? And that’s great. But as happy as they are, the more confused I am.
First, there was the Barbie-lady. Do you remember the Barbie-lady?
OK, fine, her name wasn’t the Barbie-lady. Her name was Valeria Lukyanova. IS Valeria Lukyanova, I don’t think she’s dead or anything. Our pal Val is from the Ukraine and, through quite a little bit of plastic surgery, some major makeup, and some weird, dead-eyed posing, she has turned herself into the Human Barbie. AND IT IS UTTERLY TERRIFYING.
Now, listen. I’m all for people following their bliss and doing whatever jazzes ’em. Sure I am. I think cosplay is fun and awesome and empowering and creative. But also, after you’re done with that, you can take that off and be yourself again. Plastic surgery is PERMANENT. Also, seriously, the spinal issues from these GIGANTIC BOOBS are going to KILL this girl someday when she’s old. And…ok, it’s not just the breast augmentation, which, seriously, coming from hefty ol’ peasant stock, I absolutely am befuddled with. (OK, fine. I GET IT. If I wasn’t blessed by the mammary gods and goddesses maybe I’d be all “MAN I want those!” but I am here to tell you – they are not all they’re cracked up to be. Seriously. They are mostly just a cumbersome pain in the ass. Or, back, I guess. Pain in the back.) No, it’s not just the boobs and whatever’s going on in the face-area to make it all Botox-wooden. There’s this waist-situation going on, too.
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. The waist-thing! And those THIGHS! No one’s thighs look like this, not really, do they? I’m really kind of squicked-out by this whole thing. Oh, but just like an infomercial, there’s more. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE.
Now, ol’ Val says this is all natural and she’s not had any work done. I don’t know that even a high-powered regimen of diet and exercise could make you have a waist and thighs like that. Here’s a before-and-after of her face. I can almost believe she didn’t have any facial work done. The body…well, diet and exercise doesn’t make you a EEE cup, or whatever’s going on up topside there, Val.
Here’s the thing. SHE WAS ALREADY SO PRETTY. Why does she want to look like a Barbie doll? She was pretty before that! Why didn’t she just dress like one sometimes or something? Is it a sickness? Is it just something that makes someone happy? Oh, gross, ew ew ew is it a sex thing? Is it? Please say no. You can’t have sex with this girl, she’s too damn skinny. She’d break like a twig. Is she nuts? Because honestly, the girl in the photo above on the left, and even the girl in the photo above on the right, are prettier than the dead-eyed frozen-pose Barbie girl. Is it for the fame? Please to explain. I am honestly confused. You’ve all heard that Barbies wouldn’t be able to walk or stay upright if they were human, right? Like, with the topheavy-ness and the tipped-up feet and such? I’m not one of those “DON’T LET OUR GIRLS PLAY WITH BARBIES! NEGATIVE BODY IMAGE!” people. I played with Barbies and I never thought, “DAMN but if I could look like a Barbie my life would be complete!” Nope. Not even once. I mostly just liked all the sparkly dresses. And the little shoes. I found them so impressive. SO MANY SHOES. SMALL CUNNING SHOES. And I liked to braid their hair. I wasn’t a very good girl, I guess. I also equally liked my Legos and my brother’s G.I. Joe dolls and my paper dolls and my books. I wasn’t very Barbie-obsessed, I guess. Also, I never understood wanting a baby doll you fed and comforted and it peed and stuff. Why would you want that? To practice for when you were a mom? Good grief, who wants to be a mom when you’re a KID? Unless you’re one of those weird pregnancy-pact teens or something. I don’t know that I wanted to be a mom then any more than I do now. I FAILED BEING A GIRL.
Then there’s this person that sj found for me. Equally as confusing as the Barbie girl, we have the anime-girl!
This is Anastasiya Shpagina. She wants to be an anime character. Not just at comic-con or whatever. All the time.
She doesn’t seem to have had plastic surgery. She just uses a shit-ton of makeup. And what freaks me out the most here are these contacts. YOU ARE GOING TO GET PINKEYE. Listen, you don’t eff around with your EYES. Eyes are not something to be TOYED with. You are an IDIOT if you think your eyes are something to eff with. Do you WANT to spend the rest of your life blind? Because screw with your eyes, you could. I wore contacts for years and then they started to get itchy because I have these weird adult-onset year-round allergies so I stopped and now it’s all glasses, all the time for me (well, not while I’m sleeping, duh) and I can’t even BELIEVE some of the crap I’d do to my eyes. I’m lucky I’m not wearing dark glasses and tapping my way around town with a cane, seriously. I kind of want a seeing-eye dog, though. That’d be cool. Anyway, I slept in those things for DAYS. I put them in without sterilizing them, I was NOT cautious. I was such a dummy. Gigantic fake contacts are NOT A GOOD IDEA.
This chick is ALSO from the Ukraine. What’s going on in the Ukraine that everyone wants to look like a toy and/or a cartoon?
Wait, wait, I take back the no-plastic-surgery thing. WHAT IS UP WITH THE WAIST THING, YO. Are they removing RIBS? What is HAPPENING? Ouch ouch OUCH. Is this sexy? Please stop it.
And, lookie lookie, Barbie and Anime are FRE-YUNDS!
This is a video about anime-girl and Barbie-girl. It is in Russian. At least I think it is. I don’t know anyone who speaks Russian so I can’t get you a translation. If you want to help me translate, I’d be ever so grateful. I’ll make you a badge or something, won’t that be nice?
OK, listen, as I was saying. If it floats your boat, great. You go. You do your thing. But a., I worry that making all these permanent changes to yourself are a cry for help, and b., I think maybe you’re looking for attention because you’re not happy with yourself the way you are.
Are we all a little weird-looking and do we all have things about ourselves we’d like to change? Well, shit, yes. Of course. But come on, you don’t need to do this to yourself, not permanently. When you are 80 you’re not going to look back and say, “the best decision I ever made in my life was to become a human Barbie.” At least, I don’t think it will be. I can’t imagine a scenario where that would be the case.
You’re fine the way you are. I promise. Even if you don’t think you are. We are all our own worst and harshest critics.
Also, please don’t decide you want to become a cat. Because even the lion-lady changed her mind and is getting surgery to reverse all of the lion-ness.