True tales of temperature fluctuations. With perhaps some exaggeration. FOR ADDED OOMPH.

It’s still kind of too hot. Here is a story called “I fail at too hot”:

So the other night I was so, so hot. SO HOT. So I took a shower with almost all cold water, which I know, you think is probably a really bad idea and sounds terrible, but I take cold showers almost all summer long. I don’t really like hot showers unless it’s very very very cold or if I have the flu. So I kept turning down the hot until it was almost ALL COLD and it was really kind of frigid but I WAS SO SO HOT.

Bring it on, cold shower! BRING IT ON!

Dad yells at me about cold showers all the time. Sometimes he tells me they’re going to kill me and sometimes he tells me they’re just going to make me hotter when I get out. Don’t care. They feel SO GOOD when I’m in them. A cold shower when it’s hot out is an underrated pleasure. Or maybe I’m just a masochist, who knows. Then when I was done I was like YES BAM I AM COOLED OFF NOW. Only the apartment was still so so hot so the minute I got out I was immediately all hot again. So apparently Dad was right, dammit. Yes, I know. I could have put the air conditioning back on. I AM STUBBORN AND REFUSED.

LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

(Side note! One time I was so stubborn I almost died. TRUE TALES OF STUBBORNNESS! So a few years ago, we had a huge ice storm. All the power went out all over the place. My apartment lost power. It was…I want to say January? Maybe February? In upstate New York? And we were in the middle of a deep freeze. Temperatures below freezing.

The only good thing about ice storms is that they’re pretty. Otherwise, they are devil-sent. Slippery! Power-killing! Evil!

The only thing that worked in our apartment – this was when I still lived with the lovely C. – was the oven and the water. We still had hot water because that was gas powered, as was the stove. So the apartment got colder and colder and colder. We couldn’t use heaters, because, well, no power. And you don’t use a gas heater in an apartment. Well, not without dying of asphyxiation. Or burning the place down like Lisa Left-Eye Lopes. The power went out on a Thursday. It was also out at my office, so I had Friday off. That was nice! Except, C. and I were freezing. C. went to her boyfriend’s apartment for the weekend, because the power company had no ETA for getting the power back on. I had no money for a hotel, and from what I’d heard from people, the area hotels were pretty full anyway. There were shelters, but I didn’t want to go to a shelter, because I am stubborn. Besides, people didn’t really freeze to death in an apartment, did they? No. Not in the 21st century, right?

Aw, look how fun power outages are! NO. LIES. THIS IS NOT PIONEER TIMES. WE NEED LIGHTS AND HEAT, YO.

Well, I came really close. I started shivering uncontrollably. I started taking hot baths until I ran out of hot water and had to wait for the tank to fill back up while I shivered to stay warm. The cats slept in a tight ball under the covers with me and gave me some body heat, but there wasn’t that much to go around. Yes, I could probably have called a friend and asked to sleep on their couch? But…I have this weird thing about asking for help. I don’t. And I won’t. Even when I need to. I’m stubborn and I’m proud and I’m through and through 100% my dad’s daughter and we’d both rather crawl bare-naked over broken glass than admit we need a hand with something. Or anything, really. So I spent Thursday and Friday night almost dying in my apartment. Saturday I had work, where there was power. I called my parents from work before I left and just BAWLED. I was all, “if I get home and there’s no power I’m just getting in the car where at least there’s heat and I’m driving to the theater and I’m sleeping in the green room on the puffy couch because AT LEAST WE HAVE HEAT IN THE THEATER AND I THINK I MIGHT DIE IF I SPEND ONE MORE NIGHT AT HOME. Oh, also, I’m going to bring the cats with me because they are so little and only have so much fur, you know?” And when I got home there were lights in my complex. And I was all “OH I CAN’T EVEN THANK YOU THANK YOU” and I cried and cried until I got to my building, way in the back? Which had NO POWER. Only building in the complex without it. And that is how I knew I was cursed by the Lord. FINE I’M EXAGGERATING WHATEVER. So I went in and lit all the candles and swaddled myself in a zillion blankets and checked on the cats.

I seriously have never wanted to be a cat more in my life. They were FINE.

They seriously fine, I mean, chilly, but sleeping in a little warm cat-ball and warmer than I was. I made a gallon of soup and inhaled it until it felt like I swallowed a coal and put the cats under my blankets so I could soak up some of their warmth and shivered and shivered and a few hours later, the lights came on, and I was TOO EXHAUSTED TO CRY. And that is the story of how I almost died in the ice storm that took away our power because I was too stubborn to ask for help or go to the homeless shelter. And my father still mentions that sometimes. “Remember that time you ALMOST DIED? Even I’M not that stubborn. Sheesh, Daughter.”)

Anyway, back to the real story, WHAT REAL STORY AMY, shush, you, ANYWAY, I got out of the bathroom of cool shower goodness and it was STILL SO HOT. So I said, I will put the fan in the window to suck the cool air into the bedroom because there is no wind and this apartment is like the stillest hotbox of hot that ever hotted.

I own like four of these suckers. I am OBSESSED with box fans.

So with much cussing and dropping of things and maneuvering and wedging and jamming the curtains into the window so that the sun wouldn’t wake me up (I mean, not that it would, because I had to wake up FAR BEFORE THE SUN the next day, but the theory was sound, plus if curtains get in the way of the fan, they either flap all around and bother people, or they suck into the fan and don’t allow any cool air to get to you) I got the fan in the window. And then I realized the on-off button was BEHIND the fan so I had to UNDO EVERYTHING I DO and REDO IT ALL AGAIN but WITH THE WIND BLOWING ALL ON ME. And I was very tired and it was late. But I got it done and the cool air was coming in and Dumbcat came all rushing in all “meow meow MEOW!” so excited about the cool air and rolled and rolled on the bed until he fell off, and then he jumped back on all triumphant “MEOW!” because he is nothing if not resilient. So I didn’t even cover up because I was so hot and the cool air was so nice. And I fell asleep and cooling and spread-eagled on the bed. Until I woke up a couple of hours later AS COLD AS AN ICICLE. Shivering and freezing and Dumbcat had even vacated the premises and was sleeping in the much-warmer living room and I put on a billion blankets and shivered myself to sleep again. Yes, I could have turned off the fan. But it was SUCH A TRIUMPH. Plus, I remembered how terrible it was to be so hot. I’d rather be so cold than so hot any day. At least when you’re so cold you can cover up. When you’re so hot you’re shit out of luck.

So, there is my story of freezing and burning and everything in-between. Also with bonus side-note of almost dying. We really hit all the appropriate highlights here today, right? Total success, temperature-wise.

Dumbcat says to tell you he doesn’t like all the wind, because it gets in his ears and makes him shake his head, but he also doesn’t like being too hot, or too cold. He does, however, like Pounce treats, and it’s past time for him to get some. “Gimme TREATZ MOM,” says Dumbcat. And who am I to argue, really? (Oh, side note SIDE NOTE! My lovely friend R. at work who reads this – HI R.! – asked the other day, “Does he have a name, Dumbcat? Or is that his name?” and that made me smile. Dumbcat totally has a real name. I very seldom use it, however. I usually call him Tater, to tell you the truth. Because he has the mental facilities of a potato. When I’m feeling especially keen toward him, I call him My Little Sweet Potato.

Aw, it’s Dumbcat’s brain-area! (Ironically, I HATE sweet potatoes. But I love my cat, yes I do.)

He might think that’s his name right now, actually. I call him that more than I call him by his real official name, honestly. TRUE STORIES OF LIFE IN AMYLAND! Oh, and R. is moving away in a couple of months, which makes me happy – for her – and sad – for me. I WILL MISS YOU, R.!)

Happy weekend, people! Enjoy it as much as you possibly can! Do all the things!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “True tales of temperature fluctuations. With perhaps some exaggeration. FOR ADDED OOMPH.

  • handflapper

    I also take a lot of cold showers. Cold showers are delicious when you are hot, hot, hot. But it hasn’t been hot here lately. Not for the last week or so. As a matter of fact, I’m lying under a blanket on the couch with a Hellbaby sitting on top of me and I’m not hot at all. Just sticky, because she’s dripping a popsicle on me. A red popsicle. So we look like we have blood poisoning streaks wherever it has dripped on our skin. Basically, everything. Except for the parts of me under the blanket.

    Isn’t it weird how we often don’t call cats by the names we give them? But usually dogs we do. Except one of my dogs is really named Calvin, because all of my right now are named after dead presidents, except for the woman dog, because obviously there’s no dead president to name her after since this in enlightened country hasn’t had a woman president, so she’s named after a dead president’s wife, but we’ve always called Calvin Monster because he looks much more like a monster than a Calvin, although he’s a very sweet monster and hardly anyone knows or remembers that his name is really Calvin.

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    • lucysfootball

      I love your life. Hellbabies and dogs and popsicles. I want to be you for a little while. You can come here! And…um…hang with Dumbcat and…work a billion hours and look for a job and…shit. You’re not going to trade me, are you? Sigh.

      My other cat was always called by her name, but she didn’t have much personality. She was mostly just a bitch. And hated life. Dumbcat is merrily unintelligent. He lived every minute to the fullest. I enjoy his lust for an unexamined life.

      By the way, now it is much too cold here. This weather has bipolar disorder.

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      • handflapper

        Yes! I will come hang out with you! But we really don’t want to trade lives. My dogs piss me off all the time.

        And that fat cat in the picture? Looks just like my cat Neville. Whom I don’t have anymore. He was a big stupid fat cat I got from the mobile shelter and we thought he would die all through his kittenhood because he was so sickly but my husband laid hands on him and he grew up to be the biggest fattest sweetest cat ever. I think he got tired of the dogs and went to live with his other family.

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        • lucysfootball

          That actually isn’t Dumbcat. I didn’t have any photos of those two cats cuddling easily accessible so I just stole a photo of some random cats. I’m extraordinarily lazy.

          Someday I will have dogs. It is a dream of mine. I love them. I want to be a crazy pet lady.

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  • sj

    You know what works for us better than the fan blowing in? Turn it around and blow the hot air OUT of your room!

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  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I’m confused. Are you hot or cold?

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    • lucysfootball

      BOTH I AM BOTH.

      I’m never comfortable. I’m either too hot or too cold. Always. Even though the doctor says it’s not the reason, I blame my thyroid. One of the side effects of having your thyroid out is trouble regulating your body temperature, and the doctor’s all, “that’s an old wives’ tale!” but if I’m living it now, and wasn’t before, I’m going to say those old wives knew what they were talking about.

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  • borkadventures

    It has been ridiculously hot here too! I’ve been laying around the apartment with the cats, just drinking Arnold Palmers and cold beers. Don’t even want to eat!

    But then, something amazing happened this morning. I opened up all the windows and doors like I do every morning and got goosebumps. It went from 90 degrees when I went to sleep last night to a chilly drizzly 60 degrees this morning! I am happy about this change!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It’s cool here, too! In the 70s and getting cooler! I actually had to close my windows, yay! I hope it stays fall for a while. I’m not looking forward to winter, but oh, do I love the fall!

      Like

      • Charleen

        Fall is by far my favorite season. I mean, spring is nice too. But I don’t handle the heat well, so any lovely spring day is tainted by the knowledge that it’s just going to keep getting hotter. Whereas, in the fall, it’s like every day is better than the last . . . until it FINALLY reaches the point where it’s too cold for comfort. But, like you, I’d rather be cold than hot so even in the depths of winter, when people are like, “Ha, ha, bet you wish it was summer now,” I just sort of shrug. If it weren’t for the snow and ice and slush I really wouldn’t mind winter at all.

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        • lucysfootball

          I agree! Fall is the best. And if I didn’t have to drive in the winter, I’d love it. I can deal with cold. You just wear more layers, who cares, you know? It’s the driving I hate. I always worry I’m going to sliiiiiide right off the road.

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  • Charleen

    I also rarely call my cat by his true name. Sometimes if I’m talking about him to other people (although most times he’s just “the cat”). Mostly to his face I call him Snugglebutt.

    (For the record, his real name is Slider, because he was found in a White Castle parking lot.)

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  • jennabenda

    Maybe if it had gotten bad enough in the ice storm you would have had to call an ambulance and at least the hospital would have power and heat and whatnot? But that counts as asking for help so maybe not. I am scarily similar. I slipped and fell and broke my ankle in my apartment lobby last year and I honestly thought of dragging myself into my apartment and ignoring what happened. Even with a dangling foot.

    My boxfan is one of my best friends. She helps blow the cool air from the living room around the corner into my bedroom and shushes all the noise and sometimes I do this thing where I have an all cold shower like you and then don’t dry off and go to bed and let the boxfan cool all those droplets even more. Now the boxfan sounds like more than just a friend. Hm.

    I love love love Dumbcat’s nickname(s) but now that you’ve teased, I’m super curious what his real name is. My cat is called about six different things and sometimes I accidentally call him my brother’s dog’s name. I’m not a very good mom.

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    • lucysfootball

      You know, I couldn’t even have called for help? At least not from my apartment. My cell got no service over at that place for some reason, and my home phone was out due to the storm. I WAS CUT OFFFFFFF!

      What’s up with the stubbornness? I’m like a damn pioneer with the do-it-myself attitude. Whenever my nephew’s all “I DO IT MYSELF!” I mentally cheer him, because I know I’d do the same damn thing. Then I think, “Um, Amy, you’re thinking like a toddler, this isn’t good.”

      Ooh, that’s another thing I love about fans. That they cut out all the noise. I can’t sleep without one now, because even the littlest noise wakes me up – but with my fan, I can sleep through almost anything! Up to and including my fire alarm going off, so…um…that’s probably not so great, actually.

      Dumbcat’s name has to stay a secret because he’s in witness protection. He witnessed a mob hit. I really can’t say more.

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      • jennabenda

        Oh great, now we have to worry about you getting all fire eaten in the night. Don’t do that. You probably can’t handle that one on your own and even toddlers known that, so use their wisdom! Dumbcat has clearly been through enough, he doesn’t need a burnt mama too.

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        • lucysfootball

          Nah. I bet I’d hear the smoke detector if it went off continuously. I didn’t hear it when the battery died one night and it was doing that little weird chirp chirp thing all night long every minute or so, you know that chirp? But if there’s smoke, it really sets off a huge alarm, so I’m sure that’d come through the fan-noise.

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