It’s still kind of too hot. Here is a story called “I fail at too hot”:
So the other night I was so, so hot. SO HOT. So I took a shower with almost all cold water, which I know, you think is probably a really bad idea and sounds terrible, but I take cold showers almost all summer long. I don’t really like hot showers unless it’s very very very cold or if I have the flu. So I kept turning down the hot until it was almost ALL COLD and it was really kind of frigid but I WAS SO SO HOT.
Dad yells at me about cold showers all the time. Sometimes he tells me they’re going to kill me and sometimes he tells me they’re just going to make me hotter when I get out. Don’t care. They feel SO GOOD when I’m in them. A cold shower when it’s hot out is an underrated pleasure. Or maybe I’m just a masochist, who knows. Then when I was done I was like YES BAM I AM COOLED OFF NOW. Only the apartment was still so so hot so the minute I got out I was immediately all hot again. So apparently Dad was right, dammit. Yes, I know. I could have put the air conditioning back on. I AM STUBBORN AND REFUSED.
(Side note! One time I was so stubborn I almost died. TRUE TALES OF STUBBORNNESS! So a few years ago, we had a huge ice storm. All the power went out all over the place. My apartment lost power. It was…I want to say January? Maybe February? In upstate New York? And we were in the middle of a deep freeze. Temperatures below freezing.
The only thing that worked in our apartment – this was when I still lived with the lovely C. – was the oven and the water. We still had hot water because that was gas powered, as was the stove. So the apartment got colder and colder and colder. We couldn’t use heaters, because, well, no power. And you don’t use a gas heater in an apartment. Well, not without dying of asphyxiation. Or burning the place down like Lisa Left-Eye Lopes. The power went out on a Thursday. It was also out at my office, so I had Friday off. That was nice! Except, C. and I were freezing. C. went to her boyfriend’s apartment for the weekend, because the power company had no ETA for getting the power back on. I had no money for a hotel, and from what I’d heard from people, the area hotels were pretty full anyway. There were shelters, but I didn’t want to go to a shelter, because I am stubborn. Besides, people didn’t really freeze to death in an apartment, did they? No. Not in the 21st century, right?
Well, I came really close. I started shivering uncontrollably. I started taking hot baths until I ran out of hot water and had to wait for the tank to fill back up while I shivered to stay warm. The cats slept in a tight ball under the covers with me and gave me some body heat, but there wasn’t that much to go around. Yes, I could probably have called a friend and asked to sleep on their couch? But…I have this weird thing about asking for help. I don’t. And I won’t. Even when I need to. I’m stubborn and I’m proud and I’m through and through 100% my dad’s daughter and we’d both rather crawl bare-naked over broken glass than admit we need a hand with something. Or anything, really. So I spent Thursday and Friday night almost dying in my apartment. Saturday I had work, where there was power. I called my parents from work before I left and just BAWLED. I was all, “if I get home and there’s no power I’m just getting in the car where at least there’s heat and I’m driving to the theater and I’m sleeping in the green room on the puffy couch because AT LEAST WE HAVE HEAT IN THE THEATER AND I THINK I MIGHT DIE IF I SPEND ONE MORE NIGHT AT HOME. Oh, also, I’m going to bring the cats with me because they are so little and only have so much fur, you know?” And when I got home there were lights in my complex. And I was all “OH I CAN’T EVEN THANK YOU THANK YOU” and I cried and cried until I got to my building, way in the back? Which had NO POWER. Only building in the complex without it. And that is how I knew I was cursed by the Lord. FINE I’M EXAGGERATING WHATEVER. So I went in and lit all the candles and swaddled myself in a zillion blankets and checked on the cats.
They seriously fine, I mean, chilly, but sleeping in a little warm cat-ball and warmer than I was. I made a gallon of soup and inhaled it until it felt like I swallowed a coal and put the cats under my blankets so I could soak up some of their warmth and shivered and shivered and a few hours later, the lights came on, and I was TOO EXHAUSTED TO CRY. And that is the story of how I almost died in the ice storm that took away our power because I was too stubborn to ask for help or go to the homeless shelter. And my father still mentions that sometimes. “Remember that time you ALMOST DIED? Even I’M not that stubborn. Sheesh, Daughter.”)
Anyway, back to the real story, WHAT REAL STORY AMY, shush, you, ANYWAY, I got out of the bathroom of cool shower goodness and it was STILL SO HOT. So I said, I will put the fan in the window to suck the cool air into the bedroom because there is no wind and this apartment is like the stillest hotbox of hot that ever hotted.
So with much cussing and dropping of things and maneuvering and wedging and jamming the curtains into the window so that the sun wouldn’t wake me up (I mean, not that it would, because I had to wake up FAR BEFORE THE SUN the next day, but the theory was sound, plus if curtains get in the way of the fan, they either flap all around and bother people, or they suck into the fan and don’t allow any cool air to get to you) I got the fan in the window. And then I realized the on-off button was BEHIND the fan so I had to UNDO EVERYTHING I DO and REDO IT ALL AGAIN but WITH THE WIND BLOWING ALL ON ME. And I was very tired and it was late. But I got it done and the cool air was coming in and Dumbcat came all rushing in all “meow meow MEOW!” so excited about the cool air and rolled and rolled on the bed until he fell off, and then he jumped back on all triumphant “MEOW!” because he is nothing if not resilient. So I didn’t even cover up because I was so hot and the cool air was so nice. And I fell asleep and cooling and spread-eagled on the bed. Until I woke up a couple of hours later AS COLD AS AN ICICLE. Shivering and freezing and Dumbcat had even vacated the premises and was sleeping in the much-warmer living room and I put on a billion blankets and shivered myself to sleep again. Yes, I could have turned off the fan. But it was SUCH A TRIUMPH. Plus, I remembered how terrible it was to be so hot. I’d rather be so cold than so hot any day. At least when you’re so cold you can cover up. When you’re so hot you’re shit out of luck.
So, there is my story of freezing and burning and everything in-between. Also with bonus side-note of almost dying. We really hit all the appropriate highlights here today, right? Total success, temperature-wise.
Dumbcat says to tell you he doesn’t like all the wind, because it gets in his ears and makes him shake his head, but he also doesn’t like being too hot, or too cold. He does, however, like Pounce treats, and it’s past time for him to get some. “Gimme TREATZ MOM,” says Dumbcat. And who am I to argue, really? (Oh, side note SIDE NOTE! My lovely friend R. at work who reads this – HI R.! – asked the other day, “Does he have a name, Dumbcat? Or is that his name?” and that made me smile. Dumbcat totally has a real name. I very seldom use it, however. I usually call him Tater, to tell you the truth. Because he has the mental facilities of a potato. When I’m feeling especially keen toward him, I call him My Little Sweet Potato.
He might think that’s his name right now, actually. I call him that more than I call him by his real official name, honestly. TRUE STORIES OF LIFE IN AMYLAND! Oh, and R. is moving away in a couple of months, which makes me happy – for her – and sad – for me. I WILL MISS YOU, R.!)
Happy weekend, people! Enjoy it as much as you possibly can! Do all the things!