I have a billion things to do and have to be in bed in about an hour and a half. And this post isn’t even started yet. Not even close. Also, somehow this apartment is 900 degrees tonight, but I utterly refuse to turn the AC back on. IT IS SEPTEMBER. No no NO, AC. It should not be 80 degrees in September, and it should not be 900 degrees in my apartment. Dumbcat is LAZING and it is like ice cream sundae weather in here and BLERGH. Why does fall keep flirting with me and then backing off? You’re being a cocktease, fall. I am unimpressed. No one likes a cocktease.
Voting happened. The women there were less than happy to be there. I don’t understand that. Why would you NOT be happy to work the polls? You’re helping DEMOCRACY! And I hear they pay you to do it. You’re getting paid to help people vote, come on, people, be HAPPY about that! Anyway, there were fewer races on the ballot than the newspaper voting guide told me there would be (why does that always happen? local paper, please get your shit together, some of us want to plan our voting beforehand) and so therefore I only had three races to vote for. So I filled in my scantron voting sheet (sigh, there is no decorum in a scantron) and then started to walk to the machine where it scans your sheet to see if you passed the test, I guess, and the lady was all “MA’AM! MA’AM! NOT THAT MACHINE!” and another lady was like “MYRTLE ALL MACHINES ARE THE SAME LET HER GO WHEREVER” and then the first lady was like “NO NO NO SHE HAS TO GO HERE” and then the side of the machine they sent me to was the exit-only side and that wasn’t the right side and they were all “NO NO NO!!!” and seriously, people, JUST EFFING LE T ME VOTE ALREADY. It’s the ONLY HAPPY THING I GET TO DO TODAY DAMMIT. (I totally voted for all the underdogs. I feel like I need an underdog win right now.)
There is a diaper commercial that keeps coming on that says it provides “heavy dooty protection.” I don’t think if I had a baby I would buy that diaper. Out of principle. There’s no need for bad punnery, people. Even when babies are concerned.
Oh, in case you were wondering (you were, right? What? You weren’t? SHAME SHAME ON YOU) Ken arrived in London safe and sound and as I write this is cuddling with Elaine’s lovely pup Poppet. YAY FOR BON VIVANTERY! (Real bon vivantery, not fictional bon vivantery. Both have their place, but as in life, real trumps fiction almost every time.)
I was considering talking about the most horrendous animal cruelty case ever that was on our news last night but I don’t have the mental space to take up with that. Let’s just suffice it to say that I kind of want to take animal cruelty people and do exactly to them what they did to the animals. Which is kind of ironic, because I don’t feel that way very often when it comes to human-on-human cruelty. I’m all about letting the courts sort it out and such. I don’t think the courts always make the most just decisions, but what can you do. But when people are hurting animals I get very, very stabby. I assume this comes from a., the fact that I love animals more than people, and b., the amount of shit I saw (heh, literal and figurative) when I worked at the humane society all those years ago. Listen. PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. I don’t even want to go into it, but the things people do to animals…I can’t even. You don’t even want to know. Like, you might think you know, from watching Animal Planet? And sure, that’s some stuff. But Animal Planet doesn’t show you the worst stuff. Promise. Because kids might watch Animal Planet.
But the news was talking the other night about “why should we have our police officers investigate animal cruelty other than legally they have to” and they were like, “we have classes for our police officers explaining why they should take animal cruelty seriously” and is this even a question? LISTEN FOR A MINUTE. If you are capable of harming an animal, you are capable of harming a human. It’s been scientifically proven. It’s not just a theory I’ve got kicking around, sunshine. One of the first things the psychiatrists look out for in bebeh sociopaths? Animal cruelty. Aside from it being evil and loathsome and you’re injuring a creature that can’t protect itself, you waste of breath, you’re well on your way to rampin’ it on up to hurting humans. You’re not fooling anyone.
Anyway, stop with the animal cruelty. It makes me want to stab chopsticks through your eardrums. Animals are soft and puffy and just want to love you. And if you are not capable of loving them, bring them to a shelter, asshole.
OK. Have to get to bed. No time for love, Dr. Jones. IT IS SO HOT I WANT TO TAKE AN ICE CUBE BATH GAH WTF SEPTEMBER APARTMENT OF HELL.