It is September. STOP WITH THE HEAT WAVE, SEPTEMBER.

I have a billion things to do and have to be in bed in about an hour and a half. And this post isn’t even started yet. Not even close. Also, somehow this apartment is 900 degrees tonight, but I utterly refuse to turn the AC back on. IT IS SEPTEMBER. No no NO, AC. It should not be 80 degrees in September, and it should not be 900 degrees in my apartment. Dumbcat is LAZING and it is like ice cream sundae weather in here and BLERGH. Why does fall keep flirting with me and then backing off? You’re being a cocktease, fall. I am unimpressed. No one likes a cocktease.

SO SO HOT.

Voting happened. The women there were less than happy to be there. I don’t understand that. Why would you NOT be happy to work the polls? You’re helping DEMOCRACY! And I hear they pay you to do it. You’re getting paid to help people vote, come on, people, be HAPPY about that! Anyway, there were fewer races on the ballot than the newspaper voting guide told me there would be (why does that always happen? local paper, please get your shit together, some of us want to plan our voting beforehand) and so therefore I only had three races to vote for. So I filled in my scantron voting sheet (sigh, there is no decorum in a scantron) and then started to walk to the machine where it scans your sheet to see if you passed the test, I guess, and the lady was all “MA’AM! MA’AM! NOT THAT MACHINE!” and another lady was like “MYRTLE ALL MACHINES ARE THE SAME LET HER GO WHEREVER” and then the first lady was like “NO NO NO SHE HAS TO GO HERE” and then the side of the machine they sent me to was the exit-only side and that wasn’t the right side and they were all “NO NO NO!!!” and seriously, people, JUST EFFING LE T ME VOTE ALREADY. It’s the ONLY HAPPY THING I GET TO DO TODAY DAMMIT. (I totally voted for all the underdogs. I feel like I need an underdog win right now.)

Aw, Underdog! This was MY favorite cartoon as a kid. How uncool does that make me? I don’t even care.

There is a diaper commercial that keeps coming on that says it provides “heavy dooty protection.” I don’t think if I had a baby I would buy that diaper. Out of principle. There’s no need for bad punnery, people. Even when babies are concerned.

What the hell? Gross.

Oh, in case you were wondering (you were, right? What? You weren’t? SHAME SHAME ON YOU) Ken arrived in London safe and sound and as I write this is cuddling with Elaine’s lovely pup Poppet. YAY FOR BON VIVANTERY! (Real bon vivantery, not fictional bon vivantery. Both have their place, but as in life, real trumps fiction almost every time.)

I randomly found this online. A WHOLE CLUB FOR LES BON VIVANTS! OUI OUI!

I was considering talking about the most horrendous animal cruelty case ever that was on our news last night but I don’t have the mental space to take up with that. Let’s just suffice it to say that I kind of want to take animal cruelty people and do exactly to them what they did to the animals. Which is kind of ironic, because I don’t feel that way very often when it comes to human-on-human cruelty. I’m all about letting the courts sort it out and such. I don’t think the courts always make the most just decisions, but what can you do. But when people are hurting animals I get very, very stabby. I assume this comes from a., the fact that I love animals more than people, and b., the amount of shit I saw (heh, literal and figurative) when I worked at the humane society all those years ago. Listen. PEOPLE ARE TERRIBLE. I don’t even want to go into it, but the things people do to animals…I can’t even. You don’t even want to know. Like, you might think you know, from watching Animal Planet? And sure, that’s some stuff. But Animal Planet doesn’t show you the worst stuff. Promise. Because kids might watch Animal Planet.

Beagle puppy says “Animal abusers make Amy TOTALLY FURIOUS, yo.”

But the news was talking the other night about “why should we have our police officers investigate animal cruelty other than legally they have to” and they were like, “we have classes for our police officers explaining why they should take animal cruelty seriously” and is this even a question? LISTEN FOR A MINUTE. If you are capable of harming an animal, you are capable of harming a human. It’s been scientifically proven. It’s not just a theory I’ve got kicking around, sunshine. One of the first things the psychiatrists look out for in bebeh sociopaths? Animal cruelty. Aside from it being evil and loathsome and you’re injuring a creature that can’t protect itself, you waste of breath, you’re well on your way to rampin’ it on up to hurting humans. You’re not fooling anyone.

Anyway, stop with the animal cruelty. It makes me want to stab chopsticks through your eardrums. Animals are soft and puffy and just want to love you. And if you are not capable of loving them, bring them to a shelter, asshole.

OK. Have to get to bed. No time for love, Dr. Jones. IT IS SO HOT I WANT TO TAKE AN ICE CUBE BATH GAH WTF SEPTEMBER APARTMENT OF HELL.

 

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “It is September. STOP WITH THE HEAT WAVE, SEPTEMBER.

  • sj

    FWiW, Luvs suck, so their horrible pun advertising is BS.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This made me laugh so hard. It’s so matter-of-fact. “Who cares about heavy dooty, THESE ARE THE SUCK, YO.” Hee!

      Like

      • sj

        ZOMG, I’m not even kidding. We got this mega-pack of them as a gift when…I don’t even remember…one of the boys was born and we used a few then put them in a forgotten corner til he outgrew them.

        I don’t even remember what happened to them after that, I was so disgusted with them I made husband take care of it.

        Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Although I totally concur with you on the animal cruelty thing, I’d like to point out that not all animals are soft and puffy. Cocodrillos for instance are not. They still don’t deserve being treated cruelly, though.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Is that a crocodile? Because “crocodrillos” is my NEW FAVORITE WORD. But Google seems to think it’s just a crocodile, which isn’t as evocative.

      I honestly like all animals more than most people. Even the most scaly and scary ones are better than most people. True tales of Amy’s brain!

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Sorry, my Spanish isn’t what it used to be (which was already really really bad), it should have been ‘cocodrilo’ with just one ‘l’. And yes, it’s just Spanish for crocodile, but it’s also one of my favourite words, ever since I heard it in – wait for it – Crocodile Dundee II.

        With the risk of making you feel less unique and special (don’t worry, you still are), a lot of people share your sentiment of liking other animals more that humans. At least in the Western Civilisation. My guess (based on personal experience) is that we tend to get fed up with all the lies and falsehood of humans and start to appreciate animals who can’t lie.

        (P.S. Please excuse any weird typos in my recent comments. I’m trying out a new bluetooth keyboard for my phone, and there are some minor quirks I’m still getting used to. Also, please excuse the new lengthy comments – this is also due to me using said keyboard instead of the phone’s onscreen one.)

        Like

  • elaine4queen

    i am so tired from the bon vivanting!

    ken took me out! i went on a train! away from the riviera and into clerkenwell, which you would love. he bought a hand tooled folder from a book binding shop because it is just that fancy, and because clerkenwell is a place of books and publishing dating all the way back to william blake’s time.

    he’s off out this evening all by himself. he is visiting the “potteries and piggeries” or what is known more commonly as “notting hill”.

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      The Potteries and Piggeries was all it was cracked up to be.

      I saw the Idler Academy, but it was closed. Tomorrow, there’ll be sanctioned idling.

      Elaine didn’t tell you what I got.

      It was a red folder with huge silver gold letters that say ‘This is your life.’

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        You really are the best at bon vivanting. Your folder needs a gold star on it. A gold star won for excellence in bon vivantery.

        Ooh, I’m totally making you a badge on here for bon vivanting. If I remember. My brain’s not all in one piece lately.

        Glad you’re having a good time. Photos? You’re taking a million, right? Can’t wait to see.

        Like

    • lucysfootball

      I WOULD love it! A place of books and publishing? A whole PLACE of it? Oh, I want to go there. I would bon vivant SO BON VIVANTILY there!

      I’m so glad you’re having a good time. I knew you would. I feel like Ken brings joy wherever he goes. Like a hurricane of joy.

      (But YES. I would imagine it’s exhausting, being a bon vivant! So much go, go, go!)

      Like

    • Andreas Heinakroon

      This sounds so much more bon vivanting than whenever I visit London. I’m the most envious!

      Like

  • rogerskyy

    I am the epitome of the child sitting in front of the fan except I am sitting in front of my hpc3000. Not even joking why is it September and we are experiencing these ridiculous temperatures! Oh and as far as the animal cruelty thing goes I couldnt agree more I absolutely hate those stories and I def want that to be revenge for them.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      SO HOT. Still so hot today. Gah. Enough.

      A bad bad thing happened here recently, animal-cruelty-wise. I don’t even want to talk about it. I just want the people who did it to be found, and possibly publicly drawn and quartered. Or maybe have the same thing happen to them as happened to the dogs.

      Like

  • RebeccaScaglione

    I have to say that diaper commercial is the grossest thing ever and I can’t believe those babies poop right in the commercial. I’m not a mom, I don’t buy diapers, and I don’t want to see cartoon babies filling up their diapers!

    Like

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