Stolen pantyhose and baseball movies

This is going to be super-short. No, seriously. I have two hours. That is not long enough. I have to get to bed. Job interview tomorrow which I JUST GOT like a couple of hours ago and I am not prepared. I’m not 100% sure what they do there. Their website is confusing. So when they ask me, “what do you know about our company?” I’m going to be all, “ah duh” and that always makes a super-good impression. Also, I think I have no more pantyhose. I lost a pair in the laundry room (HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN? they went IN the machine but did not come OUT. Did someone sneakyfuck my pantyhose? If so, EW, I hope you waited until they were at least CLEAN, you gross bastard) and I put a hole in the other pair so I think I have none. Which means I have to find nice slacks somewhere in my closet because I’m pretty sure my ripped cargo pants that I pretty much live in aren’t what you wear for an interview. Well, at least the weather’s gotten cooler so I won’t be the hottest.

Gimme back ma pantyhose, gross creepers. Sheesh.

SPEAKING OF! This weather is GLORIOUS. It’s totally fall-like. Fall-esque. It’s supposed to get to between 30-40 degrees tonight. Oh, wait, let me put that in Celsius for my non-MERKAN readers. That’s how I roll. I’m all-inclusive. Ready? TRANSLATED FOR MY FRIENDS WHO ARE NOT HERE! “Tonight, it is supposed to get between -1 and 4 degrees Celsius here.” (That’s what Google tells me. How’d I do? Celsius confuses me, and I even grew up right next to Canada so always heard both versions of the temperature on the news every night.) Isn’t that the best temperature ever? It’s so crisp and cool and it makes me want pumpkin-flavored things and apples and cinnamon and to watch shows about ghosts and to kick piles of crunchy leaves.

Aw, beagle! Younger Brother’s dog is a beagle. And we had beagles when I was growing up. I am a beagle fan, yo. They are the HAPPIEST dog. So goofy!

I am having cable issues in Casa del Amy and cussing at the television. I find it distressing that the television can work fine ALL DAY LONG until I want to watch a program. DAMN YOU TELEVISION. Oh, and I called to cancel HBO today, because a., I’m not using it now that True Blood and Game of Thrones are over (for now, anyway), and b., it’s expensive, and the cable company does NOT like you to cancel channels, no no Charlie.

Not anymore, it’s not. Not here, anyway.

Me: I’d like to cancel HBO, please.
Rep: Oh! Well, let’s discuss what’s best for your cable needs at this juncture.
Me: What’s best is cancelling HBO, please.
Rep: Is there nothing on HBO you might like? They have many excellent programs on HBO!
Me: I would like to cancel HBO, please.
Rep: Why would you like to do that?
Me: It’s expensive and the show I was watching on it is over.
Rep: True Blood fan, were ya?
Me: Yes. (Why so folksy all of a sudden, is she from Bon Temps?)
Rep: Have you considered watching Boardwalk Empire? It’s about GAMBLERS.
Me: Ma’am, I’ve just lost my job. Please cancel HBO.
Rep: Would you like me to look into ways we can lower your cable bill so you can keep HBO?
Me: I’d like you to look into ways I can lower my cable bill AND cancel HBO.
Rep: Oh. No. We don’t do that. If you cancel HBO and Cinemax your bill goes down $20 a month.
Me: I still have Cinemax? Good grief, I thought that was some sort of free promo like months ago. Have I been PAYING for that?
Rep: …aaaaand thank you for calling Time Warner Cable.

The moral of this story is: read your cable bill line items, ladies and gentlemen. If nothing else, you’ll know you have Cinemax. I could have been watching soft-core porn for MONTHS!

I did a search for “Skinemax” but AH MY EYES MY EYES so instead here is a befuddled hedgehog. YOU ARE WELCOME.

I’m 17 flavors of cranky about that stupid Clint Eastwood baseball movie. WHAT BASEBALL MOVIE AMY? I don’t know. There are a million commercials for it whenever I turn on the television. Here’s my issue. I love Clint Eastwood in a tearjerker. Clint Eastwood makes me BAWL. Million Dollar Baby? Effing Gran Torino? LOVED. Listen, there is very little I love more in the world than a good cleansing cry. And I like him because he’s all gruff and reminds me of my dad. And I REALLY liked him before a couple weeks ago when he decided he was going to talk to a chair. I DON’T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING THERE. See, up until a couple of weeks ago, I was totally cool with Clint, because he even made a “get-offa-my-lawn” quote about gay marriage in GQ last year: “These people who are making a big deal about gay marriage? I don’t give a fuck about who wants to get married to anybody else! Why not?! We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of … Just give everybody the chance to have the life they want.” Yeah, so it’s not SO SO SO in-favor, but he’s an old guy, and he’s crotchety. I was all “you go, old crusty Clint.”

Oh, I can’t even. I’m not even allowed to watch this movie again. It KILLED me the first time around. SO MUCH CRYING.

Then he started talking to a chair? That I guess was supposed to be Obama? I don’t know. I can’t imagine anyone thought that was a good idea. Was that scripted? Did he just start blabbering? He’s not going senile, is he? I think the Republicans realized  it was a mistake because no one (except my dad…oh, dad) thought that was a rousing success.

Anyway, so the baseball movie trailers started coming out. It’s got Eastwood, it’s got a father/adult child thing (TOTAL weakness of mine) and it’s got baseball. DAMMIT EASTWOOD. It’s like someone sat down and was all, “what would make Amy cry and cry? Ooh, ooh! I know! Eastwood, baseball, and dads and their daughters! Shit, throw in that cute chick from Julie and Julia, Amy loves her and has ever since she saw her in that goofy movie where she went to Ireland and fell in love with a man named Declan and Amy LOVES people named Declan with accents and Amy swooned and EVERYONE hates that movie but not Amy! No no not Amy no sir! Because she is a gigantic sap sap sapperton!”

This is Matthew Goode. He played Declan. He is PERFECTION.

I am a SUCKER for baseball movies. Stupid baseball movies. Stupid Field of Dreams. Stupid The Natural. (NO NO, I don’t mean it, Field of Dreams and The Natural! I love you!) You give me a baseball movie and I am DONE. All the crying. Every last bit of it. I am totally kind of the most mad at Clint at the moment, but DAMN if I don’t want to see that stupid movie. (And now I want to see Field of Dreams again. I want a chance to finally meet my grandfather so, so young in a field in Iowa. I want my dad to have a catch with him again.)

If you can watch the “Why don’t you introduce him to his granddaughter” scene without getting even a little emotional, your heart is a black lump of snowman-eye coal. Sincerely.

This is longer than I even thought I could get done and I still have time for a popsicle. Go go gadget typing. Happy day, you guys!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

37 responses to “Stolen pantyhose and baseball movies

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    You win the internets today – just for the pic of the hedgehog!! :-)

    Like

  • Charleen

    I live 20 minutes from the Field of Dreams site. We went when my parents and my niece were visiting a couple months back. And yet still, have never seen the movie.

    Oh, and I love Amy Adams. She was just so adorable in Enchanted, and The Muppets. I guess she’s going to be playing Lois Lane in an upcoming Superman reboot, and I just CANNOT see it. She’s way too cute for that role.

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    The hedgehog was a nice palate cleanse for the places my imagination took me at “skinemax.” Thank you.

    Years ago, I felt like we were paying too much for cable, so I called to ask for their smallest package. They told me I already had it. I shrugged and said “Let’s go ahead and cancel it altogether, then,” and miracle of miracles, there was a package she forgot about until that very moment that was about $20 cheaper than what we had been paying. I hate cable companies. I sound like a total grouch today, don’t I? Sorry ’bout dat.

    Hope your interview goes really, really well today, hose or no hose!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hedgehogs are always winners.

      I think that’s the only way to get them to give you cheaper cable – but I just know if I tried it, they’d call my bluff. And oh, do I love my cable.

      It was actually yesterday (writing posts the day before, attempting to not drown in life, as I do) and it was fine. We’ll see what happens. I don’t have much optimism about any of these things anymore, to be honest.

      Like

  • blogginglily

    This WAS super short. I don’t even KNOW you anymore.

    Clint’s the man. I didn’t watch either convention. Why WOULD you? Were you going to LEARN something? No.

    If you watched the RNC, you learned what a douchebag the president is. How every promise he made was a lie. How big a failure his administration is, and what a traitor to his country he is.

    If you watched the DNC you learned that the president is the most amazing shepherd a nation has had since fucking Moses, he’s a promise keeper and a miracle worker, and the greatest patriot since George Washington stabbed King George the IV through the heart with an Eagle Shaped naginata.

    Or. . . actually. . . you learned nothing.

    I’ll tune in during the debate. I like Clint too much to let politics sully his good name!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I watched Obama’s speech. That was it. Only because nothing else was on.

      I will also watch the debates. I like debates. I find them fascinating.

      Get used to short. Honestly, lately, it’s lucky there’s a post at all.

      Like

  • Emily M.

    I was born in Iowa and still have a bunch of family there, so obviously we HAD to go to where they filmed Field of Dreams (it was very cool!) I even used to have a little container of some of the dirt from there :)

    Like

  • blogginglily

    Do you guys remember when Amy was employed and had time to approve comments and reply and wrote extremely long-winded multipage tomes for blog posts?

    Now she’s unemployed and has no time. Irony.

    Not that I can talk, I’m pretty timeless myself.

    Like

  • Heather

    Sneakyfucked pantyhose sounds so dirty. Hahaha!

    I hate when I call a company to cancel something and they ask a bazillion questions. I just keep repeating my request until they say okay. It usually takes repeating four or five times until they get the picture and stop asking.

    Like

  • sj

    I’m almost positive the machine ate your pantyhose. It eats socks, so why not pantyhose?

    Also, are you supposed to put pantyhose in the washing machine? I thought they were all handwash only?

    Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    I once worked for Clint Eastwood (at his restaurant) and he was an awesome boss. Awesome.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Really? You met him? And he was nice? Huh! I like to hear things like that. It makes me happy. I like when celebrities aren’t jerks, you know?

      Like

      • 35JupiterDrive

        He was nice. Really nice. But more than that, he understood the responsibilities involved in being an employer. He actually took that seriously. He should have a school. The Clint Eastwood School of How to Be a Good Employer. I’m not really a fan of his movies, because not really into action. But I’m in his fan club forever because of how he treated us.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          You might like Million Dollar Baby or Gran Turino – light on the action, more character-driven. There’s violence in both, but it’s not shoot-em-up actiony, you know? And they’re both wonderful. Heartbreaking.

          I’m glad to hear he was a good guy. I’m honestly befuddled about the convention shenanigans. Maybe it was all a ploy to get people to vote Democrat? Heh.

          Like

          • 35JupiterDrive

            I’ve had my fingers in my ears around the Republican convention because it would just make me want to kidnap people and try to deprogram them. I would have to find Ted Patrick. Seriously. I find it a combination of mystifying and frightening, the place the Republican party has gone. Anyway, this has resulted in my not having a clue what’s gone on.

            Politically I find him a nightmare. Total, wake up screaming, sort.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Yep. I didn’t watch a bit of it. Caught a little here and there online but mostly by accident. I’ll get my political news in the two places I always do: Twitter and Saturday Night Live. Heh.

              Like

  • borkadventures

    Aww….this was a classic Amy post and I loved it!

    A. Who did take your panty hose? The same sneaky fucker who keeps taking my favorite cardigan sweaters?
    B. I don’t want to know the dumb things Clint Eastwood has been saying–he’s like an old crotchety uncle to me. Remember watching Uncle Clint with his orangutan buddy Clyde in “Any Which Way”? Yeah, that’s my Clint Eastwood.
    C. And Uncle Clint is totally linked with my dad. As are baseball movies. Thus, both my dad and I will watch that new father-daughter movie about baseball with Clint and will both sob. But we’ll be 500 miles apart when we do so. Which kinda makes me want to sob when I think about it. : (

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Embarrassingly, I found the pantyhose. They were under my desk, where I had no-doubt thrown them in my disgust in having to had wear them at all. They were never even IN the washer. Sigh.

      I refuse to watch Clint Eastwood in the orangutan movie, which makes my dad SO MAD, because all monkeys/apes make me nervous. Dad’s always all “remember that time in ‘Any Which Way But Loose’ and I’m all ‘no I WILL NOT WATCH THAT DAD.'”

      Dad’s already excited about the baseball movie, but we’re both cheap and refuse to go to the theater, so we’ll probably both watch it on DVD months and months later. So there’s a slight chance we’ll get to see it together!

      Like

  • rachael

    i’m late catching up on all your posts and came across this one!!! baseball movies are THE BEST!!! even cheesy lame ones like hardball with keanu reeves :) bull durham and for love of the game are at the top of my all time list :)
    PS – i got to train a dispatch tonight!!! what???? :) miss you – hope to see ya saturday

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They really are. There’s just something…I don’t know, regal? about baseball movies. Even goofy ones. (Not ALL of them, though. Not that terrible one with Charlie Sheen that was all jokey, whatever that was called.)

      I never get to train! I think they think I would ruin the new people. Even though I’m on the “people who can train” list. It’s all very bizarre.

      You WILL see me Saturday! And Sunday, too, if you’re there! Yay!!!

      Like

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