I somehow have the day off today, and am waiting for an important phone call. The person who is supposed to call me only has my home phone number. So I cannot leave the house. I have a million billion errands to run and I CANNOT LEAVE THE HOUSE. This is killing me. In a little while if they have not called me, I’m going to have to call them and leave my cell phone number on their voice mail, which I think is probably unprofessional because it’s a very important phone call and that’s going to make me look like a fool (and also when I left the original voice mail DAYS ago it was all DO NOT LEAVE MULTIPLE VOICE MAILS but at the TIME I did not anticipate they would be SO SLOW ABOUT CALLING ME BACK DAMMIT), a fool I tell you, but I don’t get a day off very often and if I don’t get my shit done, I may not have another chance to do it this week, which means I will be eating toast for days. And I’m almost out of bread. In related news, I’m still the most impatient person on the face of the earth, and waiting – for ANYTHING – makes me itchy like I have hives. Somehow, when the patience genes were being handed out, I was not in the correct line. I’m sure I was in the line for hair that sticks up all over the place or crazy eyes or something along those lines. BAD CHOICE IN LINES, AMY.

No, my phone doesn’t look like this, goofy. It’s like a cheap Walmart cordless or something, I don’t know.
I know you’re getting a lot of random posts lately. Sorry. I have to write these in-between times and my brain’s kind of scattery. It’s the way things will be for a bit. Someday we’ll get back to normal here in Amy-land. Well, at least I hope we will. I can’t promise we will, but no one can promise anything, can they? Nope. They can try, but they’re liars, all.
I’d be remiss not to mention what today is. You all know what today is. I won’t go all “NEVER FORGET ALWAYS REMEMBER” on you. I’ll just say, I hate today because it makes me random-weepy and I assume that will happen until I am an old, old Amy with a million cats. I’m going to attempt to avoid the weepery today but I think we all know how that’s going to go. OK FINE. There will be a LITTLE weepery. I’m only human. Shush, today’s a hard day that brings back a lot of bad memories. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
HOWEVER! In much much happier news, it’s Jim and Mrs. Jim’s anniversary. Happy anniversary, Jim and Mrs. Jim!
In additional fantastic happy news, our Science Fellow, Andreas, is expecting a new baby!
Well, HE isn’t. That’d be super-sciency, wouldn’t it? GROUNDBREAKINGLY sciency. Tabloid-newspaper sciency. No no no. His fiancée is obviously the one who will be giving birth, of course. But he AND his fiancée are expecting their second baby in just a few weeks! Their first child is (and I am admittedly biased) absolutely wonderful and adorable and funny and also one of the most beautiful children to ever exist, and Baby Andreas the Second* (*probably not what they will name him, I mean, MAYBE, but odds aren’t good) will ALSO be wonderful amazing perfection, of this I have no doubt. YAY ANDREAS! Congratulations to you and The Fiancée! The world can only be a better place with more baby Andreases running around in it. This is TRUE FACTS.
In news of wonderful animals and science, guess who’s going to save the world?
Yes, that’s right. OTTERS!
Here’s how it goes down: the world needs kelp. Kelp is a good thing. Kelp can absorb twelve percent of the CO2 from the atmosphere. TWELVE PERCENT! That’s a lot of percent, yo. We have too much CO2 in the atmosphere because we’re dirty polluters and therefore we need kelp.
Sea urchins like to nom on kelp. Now, I can’t hate on the sea urchins. Sea urchins are pretty kickass. They’re all spiny and pretty and someday I’m going to eat somewhere fancy so I can taste one because before I die I want to try ALL the seafood, all of it. But, because sea urchins are eating the kelp, and we need the kelp, this is a bad thing. This is where OTTERS come in!
Otters eat sea urchins! So by eating sea urchins, otters are protecting the kelp, and therefore SAVING THE PLANET. So the next time you’re recycling your laundry detergent bottles or whatever, think what you COULD be doing. SAVING THE WORLD BY BEING AN OTTER. Wouldn’t that be so much better? Yes. I want to be an otter. They are adorable and fun, and they always play and frolic. And they’re saving the woooooorrrrlllldddd. Al Gore! Check it out, the otters are saving the WORLD. As it should be. I always knew we’d be saved by adorable animals. I mean, has Disney taught us nothing?

Look! This otter has a little buffet all set up on his belleh. I like this otter. He has style. And panache. He’s a bon vivanty otter.
Oh, I wanted to tell you about the egg situation at the theater I hinted about a few posts back. So I’ve worked on two shows where we had to have eggs onstage. Both were ick. Totally ick.

Listen, I like eggs a great deal. Especially with cheese. But not on a stage. Or in a box or on a fox, Sam I Am.
The first show was cooked eggs. The actor had to eat eggs in a breakfast scene. So I found these frozen scrambled eggs. If you cooked them in the microwave before the show, they were ok. I mean, they were cold by the time he got them, but they were palatable. He never ate much of them, but he wanted real eggs so they looked real (and if I remember correctly, eggs were mentioned in the script so it wasn’t like we could make him a fruit plate or something.) We’d refrigerate (or leave in the freezer) the eggs inbetween shows that he didn’t eat and warm them up and they smelled kind of sulfury and we were all, “P., maybe don’t really eat those eggs. P., we’re worried those are poison eggs. P., just pretend to eat the eggs. NO ONE WILL CARE, P.” and he still ate the eggs. (Only our kitchen smelled, though. Luckily the theater didn’t smell of weird sulfur-eggs.) We were so worried we were going to kill him with those stupid eggs. And they smelled TERRIBLE. I don’t remember what name-brand those frozen breakfast meals were, but I don’t recommend you get them because they were suspect.

It was something like this. But microwaved bacon is disgusting so we threw it away. I don’t think there was a hashbrown.
I know what you’re thinking. “Maybe it’s COOKED eggs that are the problem, Amy. Maybe you need to do a show with RAW eggs!” Well! I am here to tell you that we HAVE done that and IT IS NO BETTER. We did another show (P. was also in that one! but he was not involved in the egg-incident this time, HI, P.!) and in that show (one of my favorites I’ve ever worked on) the characters had to have a raw egg fight. Well, not so much a fight – there was no THROWING of eggs – but they had to smash eggs over each other’s heads. So there was the scene with the egg-smashery (and aw, those poor actors, they had to run offstage, clean egg out of their hair and change their clothing and run RIGHT BACK ONSTAGE, and they are very much in love and moved to New York together now, how cute is that?) and then, in the dark (well, I think there was a slight light, like a tiny bit of light) K. and I had to run out, also in costume (not FULL costume, just long skirts and long-sleeved shirts to fit in with the period of the show) and as quick as possible, with multiple towels, a mop, and a bucket of water, clean that stage up as much as possible in about three minutes so the next scene could go on as if nothing had happened. It was Keystone Kops up there on that stage. We were all muttering “eggshell over here” and “SO MUCH EGG OVER HERE!” under our breath to one another in the gloom and cleaning like house-elves on speed and tripping over one another and trying not to slip on the combination of egg and water. Which, if you didn’t get it all in the dark (and listen, we never did) it turned to glue, so the next day before the show when I had to sweep and mop the stage, I couldn’t get it off the stage. At least it never really started to smell, which is surprising. Even with all of that, oh, I loved that show. One of the best I’ve done in all my years in theater. I was so sad when it was over. I loved the cast, I loved the script, I loved the set, I loved the director, I loved working with K. We had so much fun.
Finally, let’s talk about a happy. Well, a happy thing to come from an asshatty situation. So apparently, there is a football team (don’t start with me, I don’t care about sports) named the Baltimore Ravens. I’d cheer for a team called the Ravens because it reminds me of Poe. In Maryland, there’s a ballot initiative to legalize gay marriage (GO MARYLAND!) A player on the Ravens came out vocally in support of that initiative. Why? Well, shit, who cares why? Because he’s a human and it’s the right thing to do? Whatever. His name is Brendon Ayanbadejo. I like that last name. It has a lot of character. After he did, Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. contacted the owner of the team (teams have owners? shut UP, I TOLD you I don’t know anything about sports, really? People OWN teams? What, can they invite them over to like, mow their lawn whenever they have a whim, or something?) and told the owner to “inhibit such expressions from his employee.”

“My name is Mr. Burns, and I hate gays. I HATE THE GAYS SO SCARY SO SO SCARY MAKE ‘EM GO AWAY MOMMA.”
WHOA NELLY. Is anyone else imagining Emmett C. Burns Jr. as Mr. Burns, all “release the hounds?” I am.
Anyway, so ANOTHER player, on ANOTHER team (the Minnesota Vikings) named Chris Kluwe wrote a letter to Mr. “Exxxxxcellent” Burns, and it is VERY VERY AWESOME. If you don’t care for cussing, well, probably don’t click on it. But if you don’t care about profanity, and you like people who aren’t afraid to stand up for something they believe in even though they’re aware it will probably piss some people off, I recommend you click on the link.
Some highlights:
“Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail (you may want to hire an intern to help you with the longer words…)”
“What on earth would possess you to be so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to speech. To call that hypocritical would be to do a disservice to the word.”
“As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have ‘no place in a sport’?”
“This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you’ll start thinking about penis?” (WHY DO YOU HATE FREEDOM? This made me laugh so hard I spit-took. Because it is a thing DAD SAYS. And MEANS. To ME. It is usually in this sentence: “Why do you Dumbocrats hate freedom so much?”)
And…best paragraph of them all:
“I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life. They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster. They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population—rights like Social Security benefits, child care tax credits, Family and Medical Leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA healthcare for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gays? Full-fledged American citizens just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?”
I don’t care in the least about sports, but I now have a major crush on Chris Kluwe. I did research. He is 30 so it’s not SO creepy. Research tells me he’s an MMORPG nerd and plays bass in a band (sigh, I do love me a bass player.) He unfortunately is married (…dammit) but that doesn’t mean I can’t crush on him from afar. I promise I won’t actually TOUCH him. Or lick him. Or anything to him. Just crush. Nicely. From afar.
I think we (by “we” I mean “I” because sorry, I have problems with this) might mistakenly assume football players to be unintelligent meatheads. I’m quite pleased to discover this is not the case.
OK, this is LONG. And guess what, the phone never rang. Well, it did, but it was only my job calling with hours for the week. Spoiler alert, there are a lot of them and they involve me waking up before the sun. I’m going to leave the house. The minute I do this phone is going to ring. You know it is, right? Sigh.
September 11th, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Football players do have the coolest names. We used to have a guy on the Bears named Pisa Tinoisamoa. I was pretty sad when we got rid of him. I don’t know if he was any good or not, I just liked the name.
Also, otters rule.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Otters are sincerely the best. They’re the most fun to watch. Otters and penguins both. They’re just so joyful!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 12:20 pm
ZOMG, ANDREAS HOW DID I MISS THIS NEWS?! Congratulations!!!!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Isn’t it great? YAY!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 4:08 pm
Aw, thank you! Yes, it’s very exiting but of course I constantly worry about what could go wrong. Hopefully nothing will though.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Nothing will because I am sending EVERY GOOD THOUGHT your way. Every last one!
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 12:03 am
Well, that does usually work, so perhaps I can relax a bit now.
Don’t send all of them though, you might need some for something else a well.
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:46 pm
Eh, they multiply. I have lots. I’m happy to give them to you.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I hate hanging by the phone waiting for someone to call. HATE IT. Hope you get the call soon.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Finally got it today, after waiting for almost 2 days. Timely! Grumble.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 3:37 pm
I always knew that otters were going to save us from something one day!! (Even if it was just boredom at our desk job.) I, for one, welcome our new adorable furry overlords.
Also, I wanted to let you know that I really enjoy this blog, and as such have nominated it for the “One Lovely Blog Award”: http://mandaray.wordpress.com/2012/09/11/one-lovely-blog-award/. Thank you for all the great blog posts. :)
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Otters SAVE THE WORLD! Because they are the best!
Thank you! I’ll mention it at some point…when I get a chance to blog again…when I don’t have to go to bed so early…sigh…
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 11:54 pm
LOL, no worries! It’s OK if you don’t get around to reposting the award. :) I understand not everyone has as much free time as I do. XD
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:48 pm
I’ll get there eventually…just a little behind at the moment. Thank you!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Hah! “Lustful cockmonster”! That’s just adorable! It sounds like some kind of small vicious animal. I kind of want one. But they’d probably make terrible pets.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:31 pm
I wouldn’t mind one, either…but I’m thinking for very different reasons than you would. Ahem.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 11:55 pm
Why? Whatever do you m.. Oh. Oh! *blushes and looks out the window* We’ve sure had a glorious autumn so far, haven’t we? Blue skies, crisp air.
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Ha! Yep. Nice weather we’re havin’, isn’t it? :)
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 4:06 pm
You still have a landline phone? I’m trying to remember when we last had one of those. Must be 7-8 years ago at least.
Oh! Side note: when visiting my grandparent (who will soon be 95 years old (they’ve been married for 74 years this year – how awesome it’s that?)) with Baby Girl the other day, she was obsessed with their landline phone and I realised she’d never seen one before in her life. It had a receiver that made a beeping sound when picked up and everything!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:30 pm
I do! I don’t like talking on my cell. It’s too little and gets all hot and doesn’t always have the best reception here at home. I can’t rely on it. The home phone is better.
Your grandparents are very awesome! And aw, I can just imagine your daughter loving the phone! The Nephew’s the same way. He loves to play with Dad’s phone because his mom doesn’t have a landline (and I don’t think his dad does, either, now that I think about it.) He pushes ALL the buttons on it to hear the noises. Then my dad has to spend hours reprogramming it when he leaves, all “GRUMBLE GRUMBLE THAT KID AND HIS CURIOUS FINGERS GRUMBLE…”
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 12:00 am
And mobile phones. Baby Girl has already destroyed two rather expensive mobile phones. Which is ironic, since she loves them. She gets so sad when they’re broken.
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:47 pm
The Nephew loves those, too. His mom got him a play one that was almost realistic, so that’s helped some. He pretends to talk to me on it. It makes me smile.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 4:11 pm
I like ravens. I’d very much like to have a pet raven one day. Or maby two – I could name them Hugin and Munin after the two ravens Odin kept for spying on the humans.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
I like them, too. I like that they make a “quork” sound. It makes me laugh. They sound questioning and gruff.
I can totally imagine you with pet ravens. When we are old and can bon vivant (because apparently when I am old I will have come into some sort of windfall? I don’t know) I will visit you and your two pet ravens and we will have the best time. Just the best.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 4:21 pm
It wouldn’t just be super-sciency, but also probably end up as a rather bad Hollywood film starting Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwartzenegger.
But thank you for your kind words (even if it does induce nightmare visions of a whole world full of Andreases)
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:26 pm
Ugh, I had FORGOTTEN about that movie! Blech. Your movie would be much better.
A world of Andreases! That would be AWESOME! Think of all the science knowledge! Think of all the fun we’d have!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 11:57 pm
I don’t know.. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to stand myself.
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:48 pm
I’d be happy with a world of Andreases! Think of how much less war and how much more science!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 4:26 pm
I love otters! We used to see them out in the water when I lived in California, and they are adorable creatures. Sea lions, however . . . I hate sea lions. When I was a kid, I used to think seals and sea lions were awesome, and it was fun to watch them do tricks for fish. But when you have to hear their obnoxious barking every minute of every day no matter how far away you think you are from the beach . . . I kinda wish otters ate sea lions, too.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:24 pm
I’ve never seen sea lions other than in zoos – I never thought they would be annoying! That’s kind of sad. Aw, sea lions, why are you so bothersome?
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 5:22 pm
So I’m only going to be sad for a very tiny moment, but today is my cousin’s birthday. It makes me worried that there’s always a dark shadow over her birthday, and I always try to make sure she feels extra special because she is amazing and I love her to pieces.
I love this logic that otters save the world. Because you know, with all the humans stupidly fighting over things, you’d think that it would be the otters that would make everything better. Stupid humans, us. :P And they’re adorable!
Congrats Andreas, and happy anniversary Jim and Mrs. Jim! :D
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:22 pm
I know two birthday people today, too. And, agreed. It’s got to be tough to have a birthday today. You’d always feel guilty about celebrating, or even being happy, I’d think.
Otters WILL save the world! I hope they ask me to consult on the inevitable Pixar movie! It could be my new job!
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 12:34 am
I wrote a happy birthday post todayll!
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I saw that! I’m glad!
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Kluwe’s letter is spectacular. Good for him.
LikeLike
September 11th, 2012 at 8:21 pm
It really is. It’s intelligent and it’s funny and it’s passionate. We need more people who are willing to stand up for something they believe in, even though it might piss people off. I’m really impressed with him.
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 12:42 am
Man, I totally did away with my own lengthy comment! I will try again, but it will probably be abridged.
I love this rather erudite defense of my humanity by a football guy. Yay football guy! (I just knew I am human! I knew it!)
Also, I love otters. I used to live in Monterey, about three blocks uphill from Cannery Row (very Steinbeckian but also touristy) and I could hear the sea lions. My friends back east thought I had gotten a dog, but in reality, I had 100s of sea lions. (It didn’t bother me, though. I kind of liked it.)
Congratulations Andreas!
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Aw, boo. Sorry! Sometimes WordPress eats comments.
Aw, otters. Oh, do I love the ocean!
It does make me happy that there are good football players. I feel shitty I always thought they were idiots. I would hate if someone stereotyped me like that.
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 1:35 am
You totally should root for the Ravens in your non-sporty way… they actually WERE named for Poe’s “The Raven” because Poe lived in Baltimore for a while. See? Now it’s all literary goodness! (And I, too, am totally crushing on Chris Kluwe for that letter.)
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:43 pm
I thought that might be it! Yay for literary references! Isn’t Kluwe great? Sigh AND swoon!
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 9:20 am
check this out;
http://elaine4queen.tumblr.com/post/30665434453/nellie-the-sea-otter-stacks-cups-at-point-defiance
LikeLike
September 12th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Aw, otters! Look, they’re smart, too! Yay!
LikeLike
September 13th, 2012 at 8:17 am
i know!
i was so impressed. it obviously wanted to tidy up the cups. and then have a little cuddle.
LikeLike
September 13th, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Aw, otters. The best. The absolute best.
LikeLike