You almost didn’t get a post today. ALMOST NO POST. I’m running out of time to write! This is quite worrisome. Work work work SLEEP LIKE THE DEAD work work work SLEEP MORE work work work THINK ABOUT LIFE work work work SIGH DEEPLY. Oh, also PET THE CAT. Dumbcat would like to make it very clear that he is NOT getting enough pettings and he is VERY DISAPPOINTED in the way he has been ignored lately. IGNORED HE SAYS. (He’s filled with exaggeration. As I write this, he is all cuddled up to me because there is no close enough for Dumbcat. He would GET IN MY SKIN if he could. I say, “DUMBCAT! You are TOO TOO CLOSE!” and he says “NEVER CLOSE ENOUGH MOM I MISS YOUUUUU!” but really he doesn’t say that. Because he is a CAT. They don’t talk, don’t be absurd.)
Today at work I broke my job. NO SERIOUSLY I TOTALLY DID. With the power of my MIND. Everything was working so so well and going really smoothly and the supervisor there before me was all, “BEST DAY EVER!” and we were all very optimistic. Then she left, and it was MY turn to be in charge and I BROKE WORK. Our paging system went down and as a majority of our job is paging out calls to on call technicians…um…that kind of crimped our style, dudes. So the owner had to call me and talk me through fixing it in the secret computer room full of a MILLION BILLION WIRES and I was so so afraid I was going to break work MORE and luckily I did not and all went well.
Well, well ENOUGH. We got it all back up and running, anyway. And only one doctor called to complain, and I talked him off the yelly yelly ledge. If you use your sweetest voice and act just the teeniest bit sad even when you are NOT sad you usually can make people stop yelling at you. Not ALWAYS but USUALLY. That is an answering service TOP SECRET TIP. (Also, I have learned you have to always apologize, even when you are not even the tiniest bit sorry. I hate it but it gets them off the phone and makes them stop shouting.)
Also, hey, here is a thing that I think you should all know as you go about your daily life. You’re all, at some point in your life, going to have to call your doctor. The worst time ever to call your doctor? Fridays. (Second worst is Mondays.) I know! You want to get your stuff done before you start your weekend! THEN DO IT ON THURSDAY. On Fridays, for whatever reason, doctors are a., very busy (usually with all the other people who wanted to get their shit done before the weekend – see, you’re not a special snowflake…do we really need to go into this again?) b., closed early. Usually without telling anyone or putting a notification on their voicemail. It is not a good time to call your doctor. You’re just going to get frustrated and they’re probably not going to have time for you. Call Tuesday-Thursday. Anytime they’re open, but not the lunch hour. Seriously. I’m telling you. That’s your best bet. See? See how I have the inside scoop? YOU ARE WELCOME.
Today we had a tornado in New York. A TORNADO IN NEW YORK. When I called Dad tonight he was all THERE WAS A TORNADO! Dad watches a lot of The Weather Channel. Fox News and The Weather Channel. Also some car racing. He was VERY UPSET because some of his car racing was cancelled because of rain. SO UPSET. Wait, here, I’ll give you some dad-convo, that’ll be nice.
Dad: Do you have a tornado there? There are tornadoes. ARE YOU HAVING A TORNADO?
Me: No. No tornadoes. Rain. Wind. No tornadoes.
Dad: The Weather Channel says there are tornadoes. Are there cows flying by like in that tornado movie?
Me: Well, I’m sure somewhere there are, but here there’s wind and some rain. No cows. At least not flying ones.
Dad: Are you sure?
Me: Well, quite sure. I was outside a minute ago and I’m not in Oz now, so…
Dad: You always contradict The Weather Channel.
Me: Yeah, well, there’s The Weather Channel, then there’s what you see with your eyes. You know how that is.
Dad: The TV said there was a tornado in New York but it was some city I never heard of so I don’t believe it.
Me: Really? Ooh, fun. I’m going to look that up.
Dad: Yeah, look that up. I don’t think it’s a real city.
Me: Wait. You don’t believe The Weather Channel when they tell you about a tornado, but you don’t believe ME when I tell you the weather outside my HOME?
Dad: Those people are professionals. You didn’t go to school for this.
Me: I CAN SEE WEATHER WITH MY EYES, DAD. I don’t need a degree to do that.
Dad: Did you look up the fake tornado, or not?
Me: It was a real tornado. In Queens. Do you not believe in Queens? I assure you Queens exists.
Dad: I think you’re wrong. The Weather Channel did not say Queens. I’ve HEARD of QUEENS.
Me: It says there were two, one in Breezy Point and one in Rockaway.
Dad: YES. Breezy Point. I don’t think that’s a place.
Me: I don’t think you’ve heard of every place in Queens. Just like the people in Queens have never heard of all the places up there where you live. Like Chateaugay. I bet those people in Queens would totally scoff at a tornado in Chateaugay because they thought it didn’t exist.
Dad: Those people in Queens better not laugh at Chateaugay. Those rude people.
Me: I’m sure they’re not laughing at you, Dad. Well, unless you have a tornado. Did YOU have a tornado today, Dad? DID YOU?
Dad: No. We did not. I went with your uncle to the lake today and if there had been a tornado I would have been sucked out to SEA.
Me: Well, probably not for a long time. I mean, all water leads to the sea, but it takes a long time to get there.
Dad: I’d have been floating like that guy who talked to the volleyball. For a very long time.
Me: Yep. Probably. WILSON!
Dad: That stupid movie. That guy was talking to a BALL but really HIMSELF. Like a CRAZY person.
Me: Oh, stop. I like that movie. He was lonely. You talk to yourself all the time and you’re not even casted away. Castawayed. Castaway.
Dad: I’m mad at Forrest Gump because he always makes me have allergies when Jenny dies. NOT TEARS. THEY ARE ALLERGIES.
Me: You’re the best.
Dad: Yes. Yes, I really am, aren’t I?
Happy Sunday, you silly crazy wonderful people. Watch out for tornadoes. I don’t know how to save you from Oz! I don’t have a dog. I only have cat, and he would never stay in a picnic basket for a trip down the yellow brick road, never.