Dad is NOT lovin’ it, McDonald’s. Not at all.

Howdy, internet. Let’s see. It’s…um…Friday? Yep, Friday, right? It’s been a crazy week. I’ve been busier than an EMPLOYED person. Theater stuff, lots and lots of work, job-hunting, blah blah blah, you know the drill, booooring. We’re in the middle of casting our next show (The Shape of Things, which is going to be FANTASTIC, if auditions are any indication) and I’m in charge of that. The casting, not the show. I’m not working on that show. I AM working on the show that’s following that one, The Laramie Project, which I mentioned a million billion years ago. That’s still happening. Excited about that one. Auditions are in November so we still have a little while until that comes up. We’re still also running our current show for two more weekends, so I’m helping out with that a little. And work work work! That’s what’s been going on if you haven’t seen me around much the past few days on the interwebs. Have to pay the bills, cupcakes. All is well. No worries. Treading water. Just keep swimming, says Dory.

So I have to be quick about this because I have to get to work in a couple of hours then I have to get straight to the theater and then when I get home I have to get immediately to sleep so I can get up HOURS before the sun does so I can get to work and then do it all over again. I think when this is done, I’m going to write a book about it and make a million dollars. The poor people will relate and the rich people will be all “oh, how droll!” and the people in the middle will be all “there but for the grace of GAWD” and it will be a runaway bestseller and I will hang with Anderson Cooper and tell him he is super-duper. SPEAKING OF WHICH I totally saw part of his show the other day, and also part of that Dr. Oz show, and here is what I think – ugh, they are foolishness. Anderson Cooper was interviewing some young girl who shovel-murdered someone and was in prison and the girl kept making pissy faces which I thought was a very poor choice, and Dr. Oz was making people do a Neti pot on the air and listen, have you ever done a Neti pot? It’s not something you want people to WATCH. Water’s all coming out your NOSE. And SNOT. It’s GROSS. Your nose runs for like a MONTH after. (Although it kind of feels fantastic when you’re all stuffy and allows you to breathe for like five seconds before you get all stuffed up again.) Anyway, Anderson Cooper, you can do better, and Dr. Oz, you have one of those shit-eating grins I can’t trust. I think you’re trying to sell me a used car. Or a used Neti pot. Anyway, I promised Ken I would idle like a boss and watch some daytime television at one point during my seemingly-interminable tenure as an unemployed person, so I’ve put in my time and where’s my award?

There were WAY too many pictures online of people using a Neti pot. Have some decorum, people.

Also, am I the only person who’s obsessed with Ian Somerhalder on The Vampire Diaries? Good gracious, he’s fantastic. He gets better every episode. Speaking of which, I’m almost caught up to the current season so I can actually WATCH it. I know, I know, it’s a stupid vampire show. I AM IN LOVE WITH IT BE QUIET. I’m allowed to like pretty silly things every now and then.

Love love love LOVE. Also, he has the prettiest eyes in all the land.

I’m probably supposed to talk about politics now. Apparently Michelle Obama gave a kickass speech last night at the convention? I didn’t watch it. I know. I’m a bad Democrat and probably will have my card revoked. I’ll probably catch it on the UTubes at some point but I was busy plotting world domination via sexual aids last night (sigh, don’t ask, it’s a whole long story and I don’t have time to go through and put the million billion tweets that comprise it on Storify but maybe I will someday) so I didn’t watch. Also, I’m diametrically opposed to conventions, even if they’re my people’s conventions. People cheer too much, and there are lies, and people talk for like a month and a half and I have speech-ADD. I know who I’m voting for. It’s not like it’s going to change my mind. And Twitter catches me up on what I’ve missed, for the most part. But I do like Michelle. I’ll probably watch her eventually. She’s a pretty kickass lady. And she’s intelligent. And she’s brave. You can tell she’s fierce. I like a fierce lady.

Also, isn’t she gorgeous? Absolutely stunning, this woman. I like her very much.

Oh, in Dad news, they recently renovated his local McDonald’s. Now, Dad loves McDonald’s. He eats there a lot. He has stock in the place. He talks about McDonald’s a LOT. He thinks McDonald’s is VERY VERY MERKAN. When I went to Europe, he asked about the McDonald’s in every country I went to and was so tickled by things on the menu that they didn’t have at OUR McDonald’s. Anyway, so they renovated his McDonald’s. And they said on the news that the first 50 people in the doors after the renovation would get free Big Macs for a year. A YEAR OF THE BEST SANDWICH EVER, AMY! So he asked me things like, “What do you think, would I get as many Big Macs as I wanted a day for a year, or only one a day for a year, or, like a limited amount, like 100 in a year, or how do you think this will work once I get my free Big Macs for a year?” and I had to tell him I was not sure how the Big Mac situation would work. My brother was all, “Dad, that will kill you. You can’t eat all those Big Macs.” My brother lives on canned pudding and food he’s scraped the mold off 99% of the time, so if my gastronomically-suspect sibling is worried about your cholesterol levels, maybe you should think twice. Nope. Not Dad. He had his eyes on the free two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, and sesame-seed buns. There are multiple euphemisms in that sentence.

Dad would marry a Big Mac if he could. MARRY A BIG MAC.

But Dad sadly was not one of the first fifty in the door. “There were SO MANY PEOPLE IN LINE, Amy,” he told me. “I thought maybe I’d be one of the first fifty, but I was not. Those people won’t appreciate the free Big Macs like I will. Now I have to eat off the dollar menu like an ordinary poor person.”

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Aw. Poor Dad. No free Big Macs for him. You can guess who he blamed, right? Yes. You’re right. The government. I don’t know how and I don’t know why, but it’s all the government’s fault.

Obama hates burgers. YOU CAN TELL BY HIS FACE.* (*Not at all true.)

Happy Friday! Enjoy your weekends! Do many things that are potentially illegal but don’t get arrested, please!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

43 responses to “Dad is NOT lovin’ it, McDonald’s. Not at all.

  • sj

    ZOMG, I am SO SAD he didn’t win the Big Macs! Mostly because I was having fun imagining how it would all play out if he HAD won all the Big Macs.

    Like

  • David Jón Fuller

    Well, I’m with your dad on McD’s, Amy. It’s totally Obama’s fault. Instead of bailing out the banks, he should have let ’em fail and encourage all those sub-prime mortgage-sellers to get jobs flipping aforesaid burgers at McD’s — THEN, perhaps, in a promotion such as this, given their new insight into average people’s lives and finances, they might have declared that, say, the first 500, not 50, people get the free Big Macs. So yes: straight line from Obama to no free Big Macs. Because: ECONOMICS.

    Like

  • Blogdramedy

    I feel bad for your Dad but if it had been free FRIES…there could have been fisticuffs. ;)

    Like

  • mylifeisthebestlife

    I am appalled by Neti pots. I used one once and I still sometimes think that when I randomly think of water I believe it’s because the Neti made my brain wet.

    Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    Aww. I love Dory. I named my computer Dory. (She’s a natural blue.)

    Democrats never revoke your Democrat card in an election year. Esp. not a presidential election. You’re thinking of the Republicans.

    Let your Dad know that 20 years ago, when I went to Japan, there was a lot of fish on the McDonalds menu. Also, somewhere, it’s maybe possible I have a picture? But I also probably threw it away. Because not long after that I became a vegetarian. Which I’m sure your Dad would not think was Merikan at all.

    I think I’ve got all my illegalities covered by my sexuality. Although maybe if I walked into the courthouse and demanded a marriage license? And a potential wife? Maybe if I tried to marry the Clerk or a Judge? And here, you just need to get a prescription and you can smoke pot, which would be illegal everywhere else. But I haven’t done that because it would be wasted on me. Because yuck. I have no appreciation for pot and run past windows of people legally smoking it holding my breath.

    And I just don’t think grand theft auto would be fun. So….hmm. Suggestions?

    Like

    • lahikmajoe

      I have a suggestion.

      Learn to play the ukulele.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      You could run red lights really late at night when no one’s around so it’s safe and you won’t die and you also won’t get tickets, but it would feel deliciously naughty nonetheless!

      Hee! Fish in Japanese McDonald’s! I want to go to Japan.

      Dory’s awesome. I was just thinking I need to watch Finding Nemo again soon.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Who is this Anderson Cooper that you speak of?

    Like

  • Samantha

    I loved both of the Obamas’ speeches. They’re both so articulate and I felt they exemplified in them what America is supposed to be about. It was taken from a less political and more “we’re Americans, MERKA!” way.

    I’m kind of scared to use a Neti pot. When I have terrible allergies, I would understand the need to (or a sinus infection), but I am slightly afraid I will drown.

    I feel sorry for your dad, that Big Mac actually looks pretty yummy, despite I’ve never actually had one. But that might just be because I’m hungry.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Shh, don’t tell. Big Macs are DELICIOUS. I know! They’re terrible for humans. And probably all other living creatures. But they are SO SO GOOD. I love them.

      I didn’t drown with the Neti pot. It just worried me that my nose ran for a very long time afterwards. I found the best thing to do was to take a shower right after you use it. Then you don’t have to blow your nose so much. Sorry, that’s probably pretty gross. But it just washes away, so that’s cleanly, right?

      Like

  • blogginglily

    I think it’s because they use government cheese in those burgers.

    I can say with almost 100% certainty that we spend more at McDonald’s per week than your father does on average. I think I should get the Big Macs.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      We were on government cheese for a while when I was a kiddo, and that stuff was GOOD. It melted really well. It made great grilled cheeses.

      You could have shared Dad’s Big Macs if he’d won them. And if you weren’t dead to him. Sincerely, when he mentions you now, it’s all, “oh, that guy who’s dead to us?” and I’m like, “he’s not dead to ME” and he’s all, “you forgive too easily” and I say “HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING” and he says “HE SHUNNED US IN FLORIDA THAT TIME I NEVER FORGET A SHUNNING.”

      Like

      • Lahikmajoe

        I, too, never forget a shunning. Which is part, but only a small part, of my beef with Jeff Goldblum.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Someday you need to write a Bon Vivant story of your own (yes, I know, by definition, EVERY story you write is a Bon Vivant story, much as every story I write is a crazy-eyed awry-haired blogging-lady story) where we hear what’s up with the Jeffster. Because I think we all really need to know.

          Like

      • blogginglily

        I’m afraid of internet people. I think he wants to kill me. Or rape me. Or rape me then kill me. Or kill me then rape me. Don’t meet internet people. That’s what I read somewhere.

        Like

  • greengeekgirl

    I was catching up on the convention stuff the other night. You know who got fact-checked a ton and didn’t tell any lies?! (so, he may have slightly exaggerated a VERY FEW TIMES but he didn’t LIE).

    BILL. MOTHERFUCKING. CLINTON.

    Like a boss.

    Well, I mean, he was the boss. THE boss. Even moreso than Tony Danza. So I guess that fits.

    I haven’t slept. This comment has been brought to you by no sleep.

    Also, I would like a Big Mac now.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, sigh, Bill. My long-term older-man crush. Sigh, sigh, sigh.

      I want a Big Mac too. Instead I will have meatballs and pasta and sauce and mushrooms. That’s kind of not anywhere near the same thing.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I prefer the Filet-o-fish myself. Too bad they’re not very filling.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    No, they’re here for good (well, I hope so anyway!). And as we’re expecting the new baby in about 5 weeks it’s going to get even more chaotic then. *sighs* Perhaps I’m going to miss those lonely days soon? Nah.

    Like

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