I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight…

I’ve been so busy I totally missed back-to-school time! What WILL the kids do without my back-to-school fashion roundup, I ask you? I mean, they’re probably going back to school this week wearing pajamas, all, “AMY DIDN’T TELL US WHAT TO WEAR” and that makes me SO SAD. I’m sorry, youth of America. I’ve been busy working and working and working and sometimes sleeping. I know I’ve let you down. Here, I’ll fix it. Better late than never. I hope some of these things are still on the shelves.

(via random websites on the interwebs that all say they know what’s up)

Boyfriend jeans

I like that you have to peg the legs. We did this when I was in school. TWENTY YEARS AGO. What was old is now new! I AM COOL AGAIN! (Pee ess I was never cool.)

Apparently this is what they call jeans that are all slouchy and distressed and fit all loose. I don’t have an issue with these. They look comfortable. Although I don’t think you could actually wear your boyfriend’s jeans. They wouldn’t fit. How often do people date someone that’s exactly the same size as them? Also, high school boys smell weird and you shouldn’t be getting naked with them anyway, you’re only a kid. Stop that.

Skinny jeans

I guess you don’t sit down when wearing these. That would make taking classes a little difficult.

This website calls skinny jeans “Spanx you can wear on the outside!” and I think that’s misleading because the point of Spanx is that your clothes cover up the Spanx and also all of your random fat-rolls that are thrown asunder by the Spanx. If you’re wearing your Spanx on the outside, people will see all MANNER of ills. Also, I feel like skinny jeans are cutting off circulation to your hooha, and you’re going to want that for teen sex. Also, look, there’s like scientific proof that skinny jeans are bad for your health. SCIENCE KIDS! It’s not just a class you take after homeroom! Skinny jeans pinch one of the nerves in your outer thigh and make your legs tingly, not the good kind of tingly like when Jimmy McGee walks by in his letter sweater, either. (What? Kids don’t wear letter sweaters anymore? Shut up, I don’t know.) So I’m saying no no no nein on the skinny jeans, even though they’re supposedly what all the cool kids wear. Who wants to be a cool kid, anyway? If you watch any afterschool specials, the cool kids always die from driving while texting or whatever anyway.


These look so tight. Look at the pocket on the left, it’s all poking up out of protest.

STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Oh, wait, shit, fetch happened? These stupid things are actually popular? Ugh, I feel like if you wore these you’re walking around with only tights on. They make me nervous. I didn’t understand them last hear and I don’t understand them now. Just don’t wear them. Ignore them and maybe they’ll go away.


ZOMG THIS WEAR THIS. Because when the other kids see this, you’re totally elected queen of the prom. No question about it.

This site tells me that bangle bracelets, big brooches, and wicker handbags are all the rage. GRANDMA DID YOU WRITE THIS? Seriously, if these things are in style, my grandmother is CUTTING EDGE BABY. I don’t know too many teens but the ones I do know aren’t wearing grandma-chic. Ignore this tip. If you wear these things, people are going to laugh at you. THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU, CARRIE! THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU!


Here we read that thigh-high boots are in for 2012. You know who else wore thigh-high boots? Vivian Ward.

She says who..she says when…she says…who…

I don’t think you need to be wearing thigh-high stripper boots to high school. If you want to wear them on your time off, that’s your call, but you’ve got like 80 more years of your life to be skeezy, so why don’t you wait a few years? Wear practical shoes to school. I don’t even know that any of us wore heels when I was in school. We wore sneakers. Sometimes we wore flats, if we were dressed up. Is dressing like a teenage prostitute the thing? We here at Lucy’s Football do not approve of you looking like a teenage prostitute. We think you are much too classy for that.

Puffed shoulders

Adorable, if you’re built like a waif ballerina, I guess.

Apparently, puffed shoulders are the thing? I don’t approve. What do you think this is, the 30s, and we’re all in leg o’mutton sleeves?

Let me know when these come back into style, I’m going to hide in the closet.

No no no. This is foolish. Listen, I feel like a lot of these tips come from Gossip Girl. YES. The clothes on Gossip Girl are gorgeous. But they’re totally impractical and no one dresses like that. Everyone thinks they’re a Serena or a Blair but in all actuality everyone’s either a Vanessa or a Dorota. You know it’s true.

Superdistressed jeans

Oh, come on now. Really? Really, truly?

Um. These are a mess and if you want jeans that are a mess I’ll give you every pair of jeans I’ve thrown away after spilling something on them that I can’t get out of them. You look like you had an accident while bleaching evidence of a tub-murder out of the hotel where you work. When I was a wee Amy, I wanted jeans that were acid-washed and my mom said the same thing to me and I was all “PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND” and now I understand. Sorry, Mom. These look ridiculous.

A natural, clear complexion

Because skin like this just HAPPENS. Or you can buy it over the counter, like NAILPOLISH.

OH THIS IS AN EASY ONE BECAUSE YOU CAN BUY IT ANYWHERE! Ugh, come on, what the hell? Listen. Some of us (I’m not pointing FINGERS, here, but ME ME ME) had something catastrophic happen when puberty set in, and the acne fairy visited. Now, I know you’re all saying “oh, yep, me too, Amy, me too.” No. I’m not saying once and a while I had a little zit like in the Judy Blume books. I’m saying, you know those terrible before-and-after photos they show on the Proactiv commercials that are probably photoshopped where the person looks like he or she was ground zero at a nuclear bomb test site? NEWS FLASH. There’s a slight change they’re not photoshopped. Because SOME PEOPLE (ahem me ahem) looked like that in their teen years. Well, some of the teen years. It got so bad that my parents shelled out major buckaroos and brought me to a fancy-schmancy dermatologist who prescribed me the medication that saved my remaining two marbles of teenage self-esteem. However, I’m pretty sure it will cause birth defects to any future children, so I’m not having any. Among other reasons. So for five years, I used this medication religiously, and it worked SO WELL that people were all “UGH AMY HAS THE BEST SKIN” which made me laugh and laugh because it was all a TRICK brought on my MEDICATION and I don’t use it anymore because the side effects were that I couldn’t go in the sun ever and it randomly made pieces of my face peel off and plus it was very expensive, and after the teen years my face stopped revolting (and BEING so revolting) for the most part, but now sometimes randomly I’ll break out, like my face will say, HA HA, just wanted to let you know I’M STILL HERE YOU JERK, and I’ll sigh and say YOU STUPID GENETICS. So, in case you were wondering, kids, I know people tell you that acne stops when you’re out of your teen years but it’s totally a lie. My mom’s in her sixties and still breaks out. Sorry. I hate to break it to you (HA GOOD ONE! Break!), but it’s true. Some of us are just more blessed than others in the ways of disgusting breakouts.

Anyway, it’s mean to put “glowy skin” on a list of things kids need for back-to-school. Because it’s not like all the kids can just get that. It’s genetics. And it’s who can afford the fancy dermatologist who’s willing to prescribe medication that’s not quite legal in the States yet. THANK YOU DOCTOR WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS!

Yes, there’s a possibility I went to Dr. Nick.

So there you have it, kids. Apparently, you need to wear stripper boots and tight tight pants and shirts with poofy upper-arm areas and my grandma’s jewelry. You are going to look ridiculous, so I suggest as soon as you put all of this on, you take it all off again, put on some nice khakis and a t-shirt with something geeky on it and a pair of comfy Chucks, and you go back to school RELAXED. And if one of the chicks walks by with puffy sleeves and stripper boots you can laugh and laugh because you KNOW she’s going to eat it on the stairs. Those stairs are slippery, yo.

Comfy and classic. You can’t go wrong.

HAPPY BACK TO SCHOOL KIDDOS! Learn all the things! Have all the fun! Be nice to each other, please!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don’t get in a fight…

  • elaine4queen


    and i have stolen the carrie picture and am pretending it’s an award. because.


  • sj

    Even when I WAS skinny, I wouldn’t have worn skinny jeans. Ew.


    • lucysfootball

      I’m glad when I was younger tight jeans weren’t a thing. Well, sort-of tight-ish, but not WHOREY tight. I can’t say I never had to lie on the bed to zip ’em up as a teen, but they didn’t give me a…ahem…cameltoe or anything. I HAD MY LIMITS.


  • A. Pope

    The one advantage to skinny jeans (worn by the 14 year old, NOT me!) that I can see is no more crop tops–you need longer shirts to cover the underwear flashage that inevitably occurs when standing up (one advantage of the high, high waists we had in the ’80’s).


  • mylifeisthebestlife

    Sing it, sister. I’m terrified for Zofia to grow up and have to sell her body in homeroom. I’m not ready for that kind of stress.


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    You know what I miss for back to school – SADDLE SHOES! Yes! The old black & white ones! Though, my soph year at high school the tan&brown suede ones were popular, and I got a pair for ‘back to school’ and I SO loved them! But, still, I wasn’t cool. I was a jock, and this was back when girls weren’t SUPPOSED to do sports. And I was ‘a brain’. So, I had a double-whammy of non-coolnesss. But, thankfully, I didn’t (much) care, and was (mostly) happy to be me. I’m so thankful that I was able to withstand the scorn & disdain of the cool kids and stay true to myself!!

    But, still, saddle shoes! I’m seriously thinking of buying a pair…!!


  • Samantha

    okay, I’ve gotta say, I LOVE my skinny jeans. But jeggings. NO. That’s just pushing it too far. And everything else on this list is pretty ridiculous except maybe thigh high boots WITHOUT heels, because heels are annoying and trip-prone and BLAH. :D


    • lucysfootball

      If I was skinny, maybe I’d love skinny jeans. I am…um…not…so I like boot-cut. They are comfy and I like that they make my legs look long.

      I’ve never owned a pair of boots. Well, winter boots, but they barely count.


      • Samantha

        See I don’t think i’ve actually owned a pair of real winter boots, thigh-high flat boots is what I would consider winter boots. Then again, I don’t exactly live in a place where it actually snows. It’s like wimpy snow compared to the East Coast. :P

        I like boot-cut jeans too. And flares :P


  • 35JupiterDrive

    Skinny jeans: I couldn’t agree more. Save yourselves! Save yourselves! Don’t wear these!
    Jeggings: These look like Shakespeare got high in the 60s and then decided to design clothes and really should have stuck to writing plays and the occasional sonnet.
    Grammy jewelry: Oh nooooz! Not good, very bad, wrong!
    Vivian (she says who, she says when): LOLOL
    Puffed shoulders: Yeah. These are like shoulder pads in that they are in the football school of design. This is a bad school of design. Very bad.,
    Super distressed jeans: Um. Hmm. Confession: I went through a phase of really liking these back in the day. Now I don’t.
    Skin: Okay, here’s the way it works: all the girls and boys that had great skin in high school and college are going to end up looking like Keith Richards in their 40s. Yes, it’s payback time!

    You are an awesome commentator on our times.


    • lucysfootball

      Heh. I am OF THE TIMES.

      I had some pretty ratty jeans, back in the day. Now I just want jeans that are all in one piece, so I can make them last a long time. I’m all about quality now. Because I am OLD.

      I had bad skin, and then good skin due to pharmaceuticals, now I have iffy skin. Will I look like Keith Richards? I’m just worried the medication will make me grow a third arm or something.


  • borkadventures

    Damn! Anne Shirley would be cool again with those puffed sleeves!


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