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You could drive a person crazy; you could drive a person mad

Want a Dad conversation? Sure you do.

Dad: Hey, I can’t say what I want to say.
Me: Hmm. That’s going to make this a really awkward conversation. Lots of guessing.
Dad: Because…the person…I am talking…um…about…
Me: Do you want to say something about Mom?
Dad: YES.
Me: Is she right there?
Dad: YES.
Me: Awesome. This is like being a Navajo codetalker.


Dad: NO.
Me: You don’t have to say Navajo codetalker in code. Mom won’t know that’s about her.
Dad: OFF-TOPIC.
Me: Fine. What’s up, Secretive Sam?
Dad: Remember once there was talk of people trying to drive you insane?
Me: Um. Oh, like gaslighting? Like my friend Chris said his wife did to him?


Dad: YES THAT.
Me: Is Mom trying to make you think you’re insane?
Dad: YES.
Me: What happened?
Dad: A person came to me today and asked if I took little white pills.
Me: The person is Mom? She’s going to know you’re talking about her now.
Dad: No. I am hiding by the back door.
Me: Oh, that’s not at all suspect.
Dad: She’ll think I’m checking the satellite dish.
Me: Because…you often check the dish? For…what, tampering?

TAMPERING!

Dad: STOP OVERTHINKING I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME.
Me: Fine, fine. What happened with the pills.
Dad: So I said, “Yes, of course I take little white pills. I take a lot of pills.”
Me: OK. That’s not tricky. So far, so good.
Dad: You’re sticking up for her. Stop that.
Me: I am not. I don’t even know the story. Go on.
Dad: So she said, “Do you keep your pills in the freezer?”

What, you don’t keep your pills in here? Also, what’s up with this freezer? It’s so OCD-neat it’s making me itch.

Me: Well, now I’m curious. Do you?
Dad: Of course I don’t. Pills are not ice.
Me: No, no they’re not. Why did she ask that?
Dad: That what I said! And she said, “Is this one of your pills?” And gave me a little white pill.

MYSTERY PILL!

Me: And? Was it one of your pills?
Dad: Well, at first I was not sure. So I took out my magnifying glass, and I compared it to one of the pills from the bottle. IT WAS A MATCH.
Me: Um. OK. That was certainly thorough of you. Did she find the pill in the freezer?

What, you don’t have one of these around for handy freezer-pill identification? FOR SHAME.

Dad: You are jumping ahead.
Me: Sorry. It’s just that we’ve been talking for like a month now. About freezer-pills.
Dad: You don’t even know they’re freezer-pills, because I didn’t get to that part of the story yet!
Me: I used my powers of deduction. Go on.
Dad: So I said, “Yes, this is one of my pills. Where did you find this?” and she said, “It was in the freezer.”
Me: Aha! The game is AFOOT, Watson!
Dad: How come you’re Holmes? Watson’s a dummy. I don’t want to be Watson.
Me: Yeah, you should see the new Sherlock. Watson’s not a dummy at all. You’d be HAPPY to be Watson.

Is it time for more “Sherlock” yet?

Dad: What I found mysterious about the whole thing is that the pill? WAS NOT EVEN COLD.
Me: Dad, it’s a little tiny pill. It’s not metal or ice. It’s not going to retain the cold. That’s not how physics works, I don’t think.
Dad: Always sticking up for your mother. Is it because you’re both women?
Me: SIGH. Go on.
Dad: So she said, “I found this pill stuck to a cheese bag. Why was this pill stuck to a cheese bag?”
Me: Well, why WAS it stuck to a cheese bag? Hee, cheese bag.

CHEESE BAG!

Dad: I DON’T THINK IT WAS. SHE IS GASOLINING ME.
Me: Gaslighting. Is there any way you could have dropped it in the freezer? When do you take this pill? In the morning, or at night? Do you hold it in your hand when you go to the freezer for ice or something?
Dad: STOP TRYING TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. She is TRYING TO MAKE ME THINK I’M INSANE.
Me: This is a very nefarious plot she’s hatched, buddy. I mean, way to start small, right? A tiny pill, stuck to a cheese bag. Heh. Cheese bag.
Dad: I think the words “cheese bag” are making you laugh more than anyone should. It’s not that funny.
Me: It sounds like an insult. “Get away from me, you stinkin’ cheese bag.”
Dad: Yeah, it kind of does. Heh. Cheese bag.
Me: Listen! I have a story about things in the freezer from when I was in college.
Dad: Is this a sex story? I don’t want to hear about you having sex in college.
Me: …I don’t even…what about “freezer” makes you think I’m going to talk about my sex life? You’re so weird.
Dad: FINE TELL THE STORY. But if there’s sex in it I’m hanging right up.
Me: When I was in college, my roommate S. went out one night. I did not. She came home super-late. Or, early, I guess. I was asleep, I didn’t know what time. Anyway, she was super-drunk when she came home. I woke up and she was still asleep, but her shoes were in the bathtub and her skirt was in the living room and stuff. Super-drunk. These things happen.

Nope, never made my bed next to the toilet for easy vomiting access. Nope nope nope. Not me.

Dad: Not to my daughter!
Me: Yeah. Heh. Never to me. EVER. ANYWAY, when she finally woke up, she was tearing the house apart looking for something. All over the place. And I said, “What are you looking for?” and she said, “I can’t find my keys, I had them when I got home last night, but now they are GONE.” And we looked for a while, but they were nowhere to be found. So it was hot, and I went to get a popsicle, and in the freezer? Her keys. So I was all, “S.! I have found your keys. Did you get something out of the freezer last night?” and she was all, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.” And that sums up college well, I think.
Dad: What does this have to do with me? I’m not drunk in the mornings when I take my pill.
Me: I know. I’m just saying, sometimes things end up in freezers. It’s not without precedent.
Dad: Someday, your mother is going to call you up and say, “I had your father committed, because he was crazy.” When that day happens, please come spring me out of the pokey.

My dad’s going to the cuckoo’s nest!

Me: I don’t think you call the mental institution the pokey. I think it’s the nuthouse or something.
Dad: It’s the same thing. You have to come get me out. You know I’m not crazy. I did not put a pill in the freezer. Why would I do that?
Me: OK, Dad. I promise. I’ll bake you a cake with a file in it.
Dad: THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Me: It’s a little funny, you cheese bag.

When I talked to my mom, she said, “Your father said those pills are so small he drops them all over the place and he probably had one stuck to his hand when he reached into the freezer for the bread. He makes everything a huge story. I can’t even IMAGINE where you and your brother get your storytelling tendencies. Not from the NEIGHBORS, that’s for sure.”

I think the funniest part of this story is that Dad went on and on and ON about how Mom was trying to drive him crazy but then he told her that he probably did it after all. Or maybe he just told her that she she wouldn’t think she won the gaslighting?

Sometimes I think it was a very good thing my life didn’t lead me to marriage. I would be extraordinarily bad at this.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

31 responses to “You could drive a person crazy; you could drive a person mad

  • blogginglily

    Oh he told her he probably did it because he wants to make her THINK that he’s on board, that he’s not onto her plot. Meanwhile he can plan his last stand or revolt for the day when she says, “Hey, let’s go for a ‘drive’,” and has him committed.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He’s already got that covered – he won’t let her drive. He SAYS it’s because she drives too fast but I think it’s because he’s afraid she’ll bring him to the looney bin. (Also, she drives the speed limit. He drives twenty miles below it. It makes me INSANE.)

      Like

  • Chris T

    I feel your dad’s pain.

    My current plan is reverse gaslighting. I make up a word (or purposefully mispronounce something) and use it in conversation for a couple of days until my wife starts to repeat it. Then I act like I have no idea what she is talking about and that I am worried that she is making things up.

    Who says psychological warfare isn’t romantic?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I love that. I’m so telling him that tonight to see what he thinks. I’ll report back!

      Your poor wife. I hope she doesn’t read my blog. Your plan is FOILED!

      Like

      • Chris T

        She might have already figured it out… dum Dum DUM!

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I told Dad tonight about your plan…he considered it very seriously, and then said, “I could never do that. I’d forget I was doing the plan, and then when she started saying the word I’d said to trick her with, I’d think it was a real word, and start saying it myself. My own plan would blow up in my face.” Heh.

          Like

  • becomingcliche

    Hee! Cheese bag. My new insult for the day. “Don’t make me go all Parmesan people. Just don’t!” Both crazy AND smelly. It works.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I called him a cheese bag last night and he was like “STOP CALLING ME A CHEESE BAG! Heh, cheese bag.” He likes that insult, I think. It’s a good one. I like it, too! Mom doesn’t get why it’s funny. She’s not up on the subtleties of insults.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    Or maybe he just told her that she she wouldn’t think she won the gaslighting?

    THIS. at any rate, you may offer your dad a sneakyfucker award for trying.

    Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    1) I am always made happy by stories of other people who didn’t get blackout drunk in college. Or ever. Seriously, why is that a normal thing now?
    2) Clearly your dad did win gaslighting. But I don’t think he should take Chris’s suggestion about reverse gaslighting because he is obviously too nefarious. While he is obviously confident that he can see right through your mother’s schemes, I am afraid she might have a harder time uncovering HIS plot.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I’m going to take away your happy. I was being mega-sarcastic. Every year of my college experience was spent in a drunken haze. Sorry. Dad just is unaware of that, or doesn’t want to know.

      Mom can never figure out Dad’s plots. They’re so twisty that most of the time HE forgets what he’s doing halfway through. Then he calls me up and asks me what the plot was and I’m all, “I don’t know, you didn’t tell ME what the plot was, DAD.”

      Like

  • sj

    I LOVE AMY’S DAD CONVERSATIONS!

    I laughed really hard at “SHE IS GASOLINING ME!” hahahahahaha!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He’s such a goofball. Mom told me the other day she found MORE pills because the doctor gave him samples but they were double strength so he’s breaking them in half so one half is flying off into space and he can’t find them so she finds them in weird places like in her shoes and she’ll be all, “Hey, this was in my shoe” and he’s like “STOP STEALING MY GOOD PILLS I NEED THOSE!” Heh.

      Like

  • Heather

    CHEESE BAG! GASOLINING!

    Your dad is hilarious.

    Like

  • Samantha

    All I have to say is I love your dad conversations. I think that a lot of us have dads that can qualify for “shit my dad says” books, we just sadly didn’t think of it first. :P

    Like

  • Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd

    I’m pretty sure him leaving pills in the freezer is an effective way of gaslighting HER. It’s almost like he forgot he was gaslighting her and then thought she was trying to do it to him.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      That sounds like him. He forgets things a lot. He swears it’s not Alzheimer’s. He just says “I TOLD YOU THAT!” when he never did. Or tells the same story over and over. Since he’s been doing it my whole life, I’m not worried about his mental acuity. I think he’s just scatterbrained.

      Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    You and your dad totally should have a TV show way more than the $%^& My Dad Says guy, which, granted, was pretty short lived. But I still think there are scripts a plenty in your life. SCRIPTS A PLENTY! Do you hear the siren call of Hollywwoooood? Because you really could do a script about your life. Or maybe 10 scripts.

    Like

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