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Dumbcat has made a FRIEND. A very long-distance friend. He is very pleased with himself.

Howdy, folks. What day is this in blogland? In me-land it’s a different day. I’m like a timelord, right? NO NO NO don’t start talking to me about Dr. Who, I don’t watch it. Someday. When I have all the time in the world. Promise. I hear good things. You don’t need to convince me it’s awesome. So, in YOU-land, it’s…let’s see…Saturday. Shush, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I TRIED to get all the sleep, but the minute I got into bed, my brain kicked into overdrive. As it does, sometimes. Which led to many hours of tossing and turning. No fun! None at all. When I got up this morning (MUCH TOO EARLY) my blankets were all at the bottom of my bed in a snarl. I had to unknot them to make the bed. What HAPPENED last night? It’s like I ran a MARATHON.

Also, side note, I think I sleep wrong. Parts of me have to be warm and parts cold. Is this normal? My arms and head and hands and legs and feet need to be OUT of the blankets but my middle-body-area needs to be covered at ALL TIMES or I can’t sleep. If my feet are under the covers I feel like I’m smothering. Apparently I breathe out of my feet.

ZOMG LOOK AT THIS THING I FOUND IT IS AWESOME!

Anyway, still working a billion billion hours at my part-time job, still waiting on calls from the places I’ve interviewed and hoping for more calls from places that are seeing my resume and thinking, THIS IS AN AWESOME HUMAN! and that’s that. Same old, same old.

Let’s see. There are happier things happening in the world! Things that are not cuckoo-bananas work hours and people yelling at me all day long because their doctors’ offices aren’t calling them back. Let’s see. What’s happier things? Hmm.

Well, our first show of the season is opening this weekend at the theater. So if you’re a local person and you like Shakespeare and awesome things, hitch on over to Albany Civic and watch Twelfth Night. It’s pretty and it’s fun and it’s intelligent and it’s only a little over two hours! I will be there next weekend, helping out in the box office for a bit – I’m not working much on this one, due to working hours that make me need to sleep at weird times, but I’ll be around briefly, box-officing. It’s a fun night out, and it’s only $15! A total steal. Where else can you get all culturefied for $15? Nowhere, is where. Go go go!

Look! How much fun is this? Go, go! (photo courtesy of Tom Killips)

In news of awesomeness, lookie, Jim became a very famous famous person the other day. He posted this on Target’s wall and LOOK AT ALL THE LIKES AND COMMENTS, YO. Since I’m writing this days in advance I’m not going to give you a number because the numbers keep getting BIGGER. Like, a couple hours ago, it was 128,000 and now it’s 138,000. HOLY HELL JIM! This is mega-impressive! There are nice comments and there are scary comments from troll-people and there are people who think Jim is not real which kind of makes me laugh. I don’t think Target is employing people to write random nice things on its wall. Well, maybe, shit, I don’t know, but this is a very SPECIFIC random nice thing, and also, Jim is real. Well, he’s as real as any of my internet people, which is to say, he’s really to me, which is all that matters. I got mail from him once. If he’s false, he’s really an elaborate scam. GOOD JOB JIM FALSIFIERS. He cannot be false! He is my MINISTER OF FLY-NANCE!

(In case you think Jim is false, he wrote a very nice post clarifying his Target post here, so you can read it. Isn’t Jim the best? Yes, he most sincerely is.)

Also, I love Target. It is my favorite. Our Target recently became a SUPAH-TARGET and has GROCERIES. You really could live in the Target now. I am tempted to do so. It’s so HAPPY in there. And it’s so CLEAN. KMart’s fine and I hate Walmart with the fire of a thousand suns because one time they were rude to me when I was Christmas shopping  (I know, you’d think I’d have a better reason for hating them, right? Nah, I’m self-serving) but oooh, dogies, do I love me some Target. SO MANY PRETTY THINGS.

Also, Target has these Archer Farms things. I can’t find a photo of the best ones, which are half brownie, half madeleines. SO AMAZING.

Let’s see. Ooh, in OTHER news of my most lovely imaginary internet friends (they are, they are, they most certainly are) our most impressive Ken (he of the bon vivantery, of course) was on the RADIO the other day. I know! You know how he’s all fancy-fancy general editor of The Munich Eye, yeah? Well, if you don’t, you should, because his paper is DOPE. No, no, not the kind of dope that makes you loopy. THE GOOD KIND. Anyway, because he is a fancy-fancy editor type, a real London radio station INTERVIEWED HIM! Which I totally got to listen to! On the computer! And Ken did such a good job and I was so so proud of him! Even though the stupid radio station froze every thirty seconds or so and I had to keep hitting the stop/start button and I TOTALLY cussed up a storm. “WHY DON’T YOU EFFING FREEZE AGAIN WHILE MY FRIEND IS TALKING?” I said to the computer. The computer remained unmoved.

(I was telling Dad about this radio-situation, and he was all “wait wait WAIT you can’t LISTEN to GERMAN RADIO, your TRANSMITTER is not that strong, you can’t fool me, I know about radio” and I had to explain the internet. And also that Ken wasn’t even on German radio, but BRITISH radio. Then Dad was very quiet. Because Dad does not like England. Don’t make me explain, it’s this whole thing. It may well go back to the Revolutionary War. That’s what I assume, anyway. There’s other stuff but I can’t really talk about that, he’d get all cranky I’m talking about his personal business on the killer interwebs. So anyway, he wanted me to tell him all about Ken on the radio, because as much as he’s all “THAT GUY IS AN ASSASSIN” I think he secretly thinks Ken’s kind of awesome. Why wouldn’t you? I mean sincerely. Who doesn’t like a good bon vivant story? So I was telling him the story and I got to the radio-was-freezing part and he was all, “that’s because it was BRITISH RADIO” and then he was all, “how long did the assassin talk?” and I was like, “I don’t know, five minutes? Maybe?” and he was like, “THOSE BRITS! They only wouldn’t let him talk longer because THEY ARE BRITS.” Then I kind of got the giggles because of the England-hatred that was going on randomly for no reason, and also that Dad was secretly all “HOW DARE YOU SIR!” about Ken even though he thinks Ken is an assassin who’s going to kill me eventually and then Dad was all “huff huff huff why are you LAUGHING at your poor FATHER like I am a BUFFOON full of BUFFOONERY.”)

DAD’S ENEMY! I feel terrible about that. I like all of Great Britain a lot. And hope to visit again someday. SO THERE DAD.

I’m not sure if this will work or not, but there’s a slight chance you can listen retroactively to Ken being awesome. If you click here, and click “listen live”, it gives you an option to “launch timeshift.” The show Ken was on was called The Monocle Daily, 8/30, #219. So I think, if you click on that show, you can listen to Ken. The only thing you can’t do is fast-forward. He happened about half an hour into the program, so tidy up or something for half an hour and keep an ear out for the segment about the bomb in Munich. And try not to worry too much that there are bombs in Munich and that you know someone there. Apparently it’s just a thing. I said something to my dad and he was all, “You worry about things like bombs. In Europe, bombs happen.” I don’t know that that makes me feel any BETTER, Dad.

In news of the whimsical and/or confusing, Dumbcat is TOTALLY ENAMORED with Ken’s voice. This discovery came about the time Ken posted the video of himself telling us about fast food. You saw that, right? It still makes me laugh like a moron.

So I played that on my phone, and I was sitting on the couch, and Dumbcat LEAPT on the couch, like from across the ROOM, and MEOWED at the phone. He has NEVER done that before. So I looked at him oddly and he just kept looking at the phone like he was waiting for Ken to tell him something else, so I played it again, and he did a little happy cat-dance which means he shifts all around on his big cat-feet and he meowed AGAIN at the phone. Ken might be of the goats, but he is also apparently of the cats. The Dumbcats, at least.

This even looks a little like Dumbcat. My phone is a lot cooler than this, though. Dumbcat sneers at this phone.

So today we had Ken on the radio, and I was curious what would happen. The answer is, Dumbcat wandered over like he was playin’ it cool, and then put his front paws up on my leg and sunk his claws in all deep (OUCH) and craned his neck up to the screen and said, “meeeeooooouuuioooouuuuu?” at it. So I think he was asking Ken a question about the bomb in Munich, which is what Ken was on the radio to talk about, because as Ken told us on Twitter?

Of course he is. He is TOTALLY the Man in Munich. I never had a doubt.

I think Dumbcat thought it was a radio call-in show, and was sad Ken didn’t answer his questions. Ken, Dumbcat has some bomb-related questions he needs answered, please. I’m quite curious if Ken were ever to bon vivant my way, if Dumbcat would hide in the pots and pans cupboard, like he does when anyone else visits, or he would actually allow his internet friend to see him. KEN. Come and bon vivant here. This is a question we need to answer. FOR SCIENCE.

Look at my fancypants friends. Aren’t they the most awesome? I want them to be here so I can give them big old hugs. I told my dad that and he was all, “THEY ARE MARRIED” and I said, “Did someone tell you at one point that ‘hugs’ equals ‘sex’? I can hug married people without taking my clothes off. What kind of kid do you think you raised, anyway? Like, some sort of evil siren temptress? Sheesh, DAD, way to underestimate my self-control. Or theirs, I guess.” Then he was all “DON’T SAY SEX TO YOUR FATHER EW.” And I was all, “You started it, turning ‘hugging my friends’ into ‘naughty-naughty time’ when that wasn’t even IMPLIED, Dirtymind McGillicutty.” Then he changed the subject to the weather, which is what he does when he is uncomfortable with the subject matter. We talk about the weather a LOT.

OK. Off to bed, gumdrops, the sun just went down which means it’s time for me to hit the hay, too. That’s what happens when you get up at the crack of dawn. Love all your faces! Happiest of happy weekends to you all!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

36 responses to “Dumbcat has made a FRIEND. A very long-distance friend. He is very pleased with himself.

  • sj

    Bahahahaha, I am laughing SO HARD at Dumbcat sneering at the NOT AS COOL AS YOURS phone.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      He probably wouldn’t sneer. He’d just sleep on the phone. He likes to sleep on electronics. His favorite is the laptop cord, so I can’t move my laptop without disrupting him. He’s a weirdo.

      Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    D’aw. This is the cutest. I wonder what Dumbcat would do if Ken actually SHOWED UP one day in the course of his bon vivantery?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t know. He hides when anyone comes over, even my old roommate who used to live with us and he loved when we lived together. (He gets over it eventually and lets her pet him, though.)

      I think if Ken ever showed up BOTH Dumbcat and I would hide in the pots and pans cupboard. Dumbcat out of freaked-outed-ness and me out of ZOMG KEN IS HERE KEN IS HERE I’M ON OVERLOAD. It would take us both a while to calm down enough to come out.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    it’s true, we do tend to be a bit nonchalant about bombs. but then, we were spoiled by the IRA, who stewart lee calls “gentlemen bombers” because they tended to phone their bombs in in advance so nobody’d get hurt. i’m sure i have shared this with you before, but here it is again, because IT’S FUNNY, yo.

    although we are sorry people get killed and whatnot, really what is going on is we are LIVID because the transport system will be borked for hours.

    meanwhile we think you lot are heathens for toting guns. you’re welcome.

    Like

  • Heather

    “…after you eat it, you’re not hungry.”

    …but you’re going to wish you were, because hunger is often preferable to ALL THE AGITA that the fast food will give you.

    You forgot that part, cat-whispering Ken.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    OMG, where did you get hold of those scary-looking artificial feet?! I’ll be having nightmares again! Thank you very much!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They look real enough to me. And I HATE feet! Don’t be scared, Andreas. My sticking-out-of-covers feet are much less scary than this. My toes are all crookedy, though. I’ve broken them all at one point or another.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        No, they look like they would end a few inches up under the cover in what I can only hope would be a plastic stump with a metal socket for clicking them onto a mannequin or something. I hope. Because real or not, they’re not attached.

        *suddenly pauses, frowns, rereads your reply and gasps*

        You broke all your toes?!

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Hee, yep, all but the big ones, at least once. I’m very clumsy and trip a lot. I also broke a bone in my right foot that I never got set, so I have a weird bump in that foot. I’m not the most light-footed person you’ll ever meet, that’s for sure.

          Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You worry about things like bombs. In Europe, bombs happen.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the Munich bomb was one of yours?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, no, it was totally one of ours. One of our asshole bombs sitting around waiting to blow people up.

      I think he just means that there are random bombs in Europe and you’re all so blah-blah about them and I shouldn’t freak out because you’re not and you all LIVE there. I’m still going to freak out, though. It’s what I do.

      Like

  • Charleen

    You’re not the only one who sleeps that warm/cold way. I HAVE to stick at least one leg out of the covers, no matter how cold it is. (Although if I ever have a heat-outage in the middle of winter I’ll probably prove myself wrong.) Having one leg out helps regulate the body temperature, I guess.

    And I also need . . . well, maybe not my “middle” section, but like, “upper-middle,” maybe? Anyway. Even if it’s super hot, I need at least a sheet over my neck/chest, like I’m snuggled under the covers, even if the entire rest of me isn’t covered at all. It’s always struck me as rather odd, like a security blanket kind of thing. I don’t remember ever having a security blanket when I was young. Maybe I’m now making up for my insecure childhood. While I sleep.

    I don’t know, I’m just gonna stop now.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Good, at least I’m not the only one. I absolutely can’t have my feet covered up. Except if it’s FREEZING. Like, really really REALLY cold. Once our power went out and I had to be covered up then. But otherwise, nope. No feet-covers, ever.

      Like

  • Charleen

    Also, I always feel weird whenever I comment about only the very first subject of a blog post. Yours, anyone’s… like I read JUST enough to leave a comment and that’s it. I do read the whole post. I swear.

    Like

  • Samantha

    I too have to have my feet out of the covers unless it’s really cold, because even if it’s hot i have to have covers on me. If it’s mildly chilly, then I stick my feet out and everything else except my head is covered. Can’t do head coverage, claustrophobia nooooo.

    I am very confused to why they wouldn’t think Jim is real. Or maybe I just took that way too literally. :/

    Yay Ken! *cheers*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I forgot! NO HEAD COVERAGE! Ugh, you’re so right. Head-coverage is TOTALLY how you smother and die. I can never have my head under the covers. Blech!

      No, they really thought Jim was a Target employee pretending to be a person saying nice things about Target. Which made me laugh. Nope. It’s Jim. Really real Jim.

      I know! Ken is the FANCIEST!

      Like

  • crfricke

    You know it’s funny. When my college acquaintance Sarah Politis posted pics from Twelfth Night on facebook the other day, my “it’s a small world” sniffer (like spidey-sense, but with less goo) went haywire, and I wondered whether you, whom I have deduced live just a couple hours north of me in Albany and do a lot of good community theatre, might know her. So, IT’S A SMALL WORLD just so you know. I think we’re meant to be friends. If you’re ever in Poughkeepsie, you know, holler.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Yay! That is my theater! Sarah is wonderful – she really sparkles onstage. Her audition blew us away. I was so glad the director decided to cast her!

      One of my best friends lives in Poughkeepsie, with her fella. I was there this summer seeing a show at Vassar! Someday when I’m employed again and traveling once more, we’ll have to meet up for coffee. I’d love that!

      Like

      • crfricke

        That would be awesome! And hey, is your friend also a writer? Because she should check out http://www.facebook.com/POKLIT. POKLIT (Poughkeepsie Literary Artists) is an organization I started back in May (and by organization I mean me and a facebook page, but we’ve had 2 readings so far and they’ve both been awesome), and we have an open mic coming up on Sept. 15th. Kiese Laymon, the guy who wrote the “How To Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America” essay on Gawker a few months ago is going to be one of the featured readers, along with Nora Olsen, who writes LGBT Sci-Fi for teens. In other words, it’s going to be boss, and your friend and her fella should come.

        Like

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