Here are some things you think when you have to wake up at 5am for work when you’re used to waking up between 8:30-9am every morning like a PROPER unemployed person:
WHY IS THE ALARM GOING OFF. SO LOUD. SO, SO LOUD.
HOLY HELL, it’s dark. It’s like MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT dark. This is CRAZY.
People really get up this early? Like, every day? I feel like a FARMER. Ooh, if I was a farmer, I would totally pet a sheep right now. Farmers have sheep, right? Some farmers do. If I was a farmer, I’d have sheep.
DUMBCAT! It’s too EARLY for pettings and cuddlings. I KNOW you’re so so excited to see me awake so our day can start but I have to get ready for work now.
DUMBCAT YOU HAVE GOT TO GET OUT FROM UNDER MY FEET. I’m going to trip and fall and die and then who’s going to feed you and give you Pounce treats? I cannot do that if I’m dead, buddy-boy.
Whoa I have a lot of tweets and emails and Facebook messages. Sorry, world, I had to go to bed at 9pm. I KNOW. The sun had barely gone down yet. It was kind of an adventure. Also, I didn’t sleep correctly. My whole neck feels stretchy. Like one of those ladies in other countries who wear those rings around their neck to make them all tall. I don’t think I did that last night. But who knows, I’ve been known to sleepwalk before. I have NOT been known to sleep-neck-stretch, but anything’s possible, I suppose. Night is DAY! Black is WHITE! Up is DOWN!
I JUST GOT TOOTHPASTE IN MY EYE. Who gets toothpaste in one’s EYE? Am I 3 years old and just learning to brush my teeth with special toothpaste and a special brush? OUCH OUCH OUCHHHHH.
I now have one bright-red eye and one normal-human eye so THAT doesn’t at all make me look like a weirdo or half a stoner.
DUMBCAT STOP YOWLING AT THE BATHROOM DOOR. I’m in here! I’m in here, buddy! Here I am! Oh, ok, I opened the door, you jumped five feet in the air and ran away, because that’s what you do when you want to get in somewhere and someone opens the door. YOU ARE SO WEIRD AT 5:30 am, bub. Well, weirdER. You are weirdER.
OK, now I have one eye that’s red and one eye that’s normal and one eye that I’ve inexplicably put a TON of eyeshadow on and one where there isn’t as much but it’s all crooked. Huh. I kind of look like a crazy bag lady right now. Like the lady at the bus stop you’d avoid because you know she’d start shouting at you about tinfoil hats, the evils of dungarees, and wearing shoes as gloves.
Ugh, the sun STILL IS NOT UP. Come on, sun, if I have to be up, you do, too. DUMBCAT GET OUT OF THE POTS AND PANS CUPBOARD. I live here. I LIVE HERE. I’m not a different person just because it’s so early in the morning.
These are not the same colored socks. One of these socks is white and one is cream-colored with spots. You know what? These pants are kind of super-long. I don’t so much care enough to change them. Bending all the way down there is a LOT of work. Mismatched socks are kind of cool, right? Remember you knew that one girl who wore them mismatched on purpose? Because she was artsy? Pretend you’re artsy today. That’ll be fine. JUST FINE.
Really? I’m going to eat breakfast before the sun is even up? That seems like it’s tempting fate. Isn’t that what turned the adorable Mogwai into evil gremlins? ZOMG I’M GOING TO TURN INTO A GREMLIN. I already have CRAZYFACE and I have INSANE SOCKS and now I’m going to be a GREMLIN. This day is NOT starting out well. Not at ALL.
OK, I have got to eat breakfast. Even if it turns me into a gremlin. I guess I’ll risk it. I’ll eat a banana. That might counteract the gremlining.
ZOMG DUMBCAT. You are now under the couch making noises like singing. Also odd chuckling noises. I think YOU might be a gremlin. What are you DOING under there? Did you find some catnip or something? Oh, now we’re going to attack my feet when I walk by. That’s fun. That’s super-duper funtimes. Thanks, bud. I’m actually looking forward to getting to work where I will not be attacked by a yowly couch-gremlin whenever I walk.
THE SUN IS NOT UP YEEEETTTT.
You know, it’s days like this when I really miss coffee. Nice, hot coffee. With lots of cream and sugar. And that nice, swirly caffeine buzz. SIGH. I do not miss the headaches, though. Speaking of which: I woke up at 2am with the SAME STUPID HEADACHE FROM TWO DAYS AGO. How is that even a thing? So I stumbled around and I gulped down some aspirin with my eyes kind of half-open and half-closed and got a wee bit more sleep and it was mostly gone when I woke up. Dear headaches! Stop it. I’m only supposed to get one or two a month and I got two this WEEK. UNFAIR UNFAIR! Ooh, maybe when I do this again at the end of the week (UGH I KNOW THIS WEEK IS GOING TO KILL ME) I will have some nice tea which will not kill me, and also make me a little bit more awake. PLAN MADE.
Dumbcat. DUMBCAT. What are you…you are not ALLOWED on the TOASTER OVEN. Why are you on the toaster oven, exactly? You’re going to get FUR in it. I don’t want FUR in my TOAST. Seriously, do you always have the flim-flams at this time of the morning?
THE SUN CAME UP THE SUN CAME UP!! But it’s raining so I didn’t even get to see the pretty sunrise that people say such nice things about. UGH. This is TERRIBLE.
Alright. I am now HEADING TO WORK. At 6:30am. IN THE MORNING. My God have mercy on my SOUL.
(SIDE NOTE: totally survived it. Don’t recommend it to anyone with a pulse, though. GOOD GRACIOUS, a 7am shift is early. WHOO! You know how some people are better at nights than mornings? I’m one of those times a MILLION.)