No matter how much he cries or how much he begs never, never feed him after midnight.

Here are some things you think when you have to wake up at 5am for work when you’re used to waking up between 8:30-9am every morning like a PROPER unemployed person:

WHY IS THE ALARM GOING OFF. SO LOUD. SO, SO LOUD.

HOLY HELL, it’s dark. It’s like MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT dark. This is CRAZY.

People really get up this early? Like, every day? I feel like a FARMER. Ooh, if I was a farmer, I would totally pet a sheep right now. Farmers have sheep, right? Some farmers do. If I was a farmer, I’d have sheep.

I would be the best sheep-farmer, aw! Look!

DUMBCAT! It’s too EARLY for pettings and cuddlings. I KNOW you’re so so excited to see me awake so our day can start but I have to get ready for work now.

DUMBCAT YOU HAVE GOT TO GET OUT FROM UNDER MY FEET. I’m going to trip and fall and die and then who’s going to feed you and give you Pounce treats? I cannot do that if I’m dead, buddy-boy.

Mom mom MOMMMM can I have ’em can I can I MOMMMMUH.

Whoa I have a lot of tweets and emails and Facebook messages. Sorry, world, I had to go to bed at 9pm. I KNOW. The sun had barely gone down yet. It was kind of an adventure. Also, I didn’t sleep correctly. My whole neck feels stretchy. Like one of those ladies in other countries who wear those rings around their neck to make them all tall. I don’t think I did that last night. But who knows, I’ve been known to sleepwalk before. I have NOT been known to sleep-neck-stretch, but anything’s possible, I suppose. Night is DAY! Black is WHITE! Up is DOWN!

She looks pretty calm. Me, I’m all neck-ouchy.

I JUST GOT TOOTHPASTE IN MY EYE. Who gets toothpaste in one’s EYE? Am I 3 years old and just learning to brush my teeth with special toothpaste and a special brush? OUCH OUCH OUCHHHHH.

I now have one bright-red eye and one normal-human eye so THAT doesn’t at all make me look like a weirdo or half a stoner.

DUMBCAT STOP YOWLING AT THE BATHROOM DOOR. I’m in here! I’m in here, buddy! Here I am! Oh, ok, I opened the door, you jumped five feet in the air and ran away, because that’s what you do when you want to get in somewhere and someone opens the door. YOU ARE SO WEIRD AT 5:30 am, bub. Well, weirdER. You are weirdER.

OK, now I have one eye that’s red and one eye that’s normal and one eye that I’ve inexplicably put a TON of eyeshadow on and one where there isn’t as much but it’s all crooked. Huh. I kind of look like a crazy bag lady right now. Like the lady at the bus stop you’d avoid because you know she’d start shouting at you about tinfoil hats, the evils of dungarees, and wearing shoes as gloves.

ME TODAY.

Ugh, the sun STILL IS NOT UP. Come on, sun, if I have to be up, you do, too. DUMBCAT GET OUT OF THE POTS AND PANS CUPBOARD. I live here. I LIVE HERE. I’m not a different person just because it’s so early in the morning.

These are not the same colored socks. One of these socks is white and one is cream-colored with spots. You know what? These pants are kind of super-long. I don’t so much care enough to change them. Bending all the way down there is a LOT of work. Mismatched socks are kind of cool, right? Remember you knew that one girl who wore them mismatched on purpose? Because she was artsy? Pretend you’re artsy today. That’ll be fine. JUST FINE.

Well, mine weren’t THIS bad.

Really? I’m going to eat breakfast before the sun is even up? That seems like it’s tempting fate. Isn’t that what turned the adorable Mogwai into evil gremlins? ZOMG I’M GOING TO TURN INTO A GREMLIN. I already have CRAZYFACE and I have INSANE SOCKS and now I’m going to be a GREMLIN. This day is NOT starting out well. Not at ALL.

OK, I have got to eat breakfast. Even if it turns me into a gremlin. I guess I’ll risk it. I’ll eat a banana. That might counteract the gremlining.

I’m gonna eat some breakfast. Look out, Gizmo.

ZOMG DUMBCAT. You are now under the couch making noises like singing. Also odd chuckling noises. I think YOU might be a gremlin. What are you DOING under there? Did you find some catnip or something? Oh, now we’re going to attack my feet when I walk by. That’s fun. That’s super-duper funtimes. Thanks, bud. I’m actually looking forward to getting to work where I will not be attacked by a yowly couch-gremlin whenever I walk.

THE SUN IS NOT UP YEEEETTTT.

You know, it’s days like this when I really miss coffee. Nice, hot coffee. With lots of cream and sugar. And that nice, swirly caffeine buzz. SIGH. I do not miss the headaches, though. Speaking of which: I woke up at 2am with the SAME STUPID HEADACHE FROM TWO DAYS AGO. How is that even a thing? So I stumbled around and I gulped down some aspirin with my eyes kind of half-open and half-closed and got a wee bit more sleep and it was mostly gone when I woke up. Dear headaches! Stop it. I’m only supposed to get one or two a month and I got two this WEEK. UNFAIR UNFAIR! Ooh, maybe when I do this again at the end of the week (UGH I KNOW THIS WEEK IS GOING TO KILL ME) I will have some nice tea which will not kill me, and also make me a little bit more awake. PLAN MADE.

Dumbcat. DUMBCAT. What are you…you are not ALLOWED on the TOASTER OVEN. Why are you on the toaster oven, exactly? You’re going to get FUR in it. I don’t want FUR in my TOAST. Seriously, do you always have the flim-flams at this time of the morning?

THE SUN CAME UP THE SUN CAME UP!! But it’s raining so I didn’t even get to see the pretty sunrise that people say such nice things about. UGH. This is TERRIBLE.

Alright. I am now HEADING TO WORK. At 6:30am. IN THE MORNING. My God have mercy on my SOUL.

(SIDE NOTE: totally survived it. Don’t recommend it to anyone with a pulse, though. GOOD GRACIOUS, a 7am shift is early. WHOO! You know how some people are better at nights than mornings? I’m one of those times a MILLION.)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

26 responses to “No matter how much he cries or how much he begs never, never feed him after midnight.

  • sj

    Yay, you survived!

    Hee, silly Dumbcat!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Sort-of survived. I can’t say my brain’s working correctly. I feel like it’s full of cotton. Blergh.

      He was crazy AGAIN this morning! He was singing at the porch door. I kept saying, “Dumbcat! What are you DOING?” and he’d jump, and look all guilty, and then do it again. Why was he serenading the door? So weird.

      Like

  • Sphinx Akashaa Duncan

    ZOMG you really did just sum up my mornings! (I get up @ 4:30 for a 7am shift. UGH!! I’ve not gotten used to it yet) Good luck with the new Job!! :D

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! It’s really only my part-time job which has been awesome in giving me hours because if I don’t start making some money, I’m going to be evicted while I’m job-hunting. So hopefully, this will only be a short-term thing until I get a full-time job with regular hours. At least, I hope so!

      I’m hoping I’m just so tired I’ll fall asleep better tonight. Fingers crossed!

      Like

  • Bronwyn

    LOL! i’m totally one of those folk who always wear mis-matched socks. only i’m not so much arsty as i did the math. :D i was 11, started doing my own laundry, and decided that my time and energy were better spent doing other things than trying to track down matching socks (especially since we all KNOW the dryer eats them from time to time). since then it has kind of been a thing about me! :D my uni friends decided that if i ever wore matching socks it would be a sign of the impending apocalypse and who needs that kind of pressure??

    plus – your hubby-to-be, Dr. Reid – never wears matching socks either. i think this is the first day in the rest of your mis-matched-socks-life! :D

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Wait! Is my hubby-to-be Dr. Reid from “Criminal Minds” or Dr. Ruffalo? I’ll take either, I’m not at all picky.

      I usually have matchy socks. But that morning, it was dark, I was sleepy, and I just DID NOT CARE. In better news, I have matchy socks today!

      Like

      • Bronwyn

        LOL! i was talking Dr. Reid – i got pics of him in TO last weekend bee tee dubs! i’ll send you one! :D – but i’ll find out about Dr. Ruffalo and his penchant for matched v. mis-matched socks!! :D

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          WHAT?!?!? You saw Dr. Reid? WHEN? WHERE?!?!?!? Oh, this is VERY exciting! Is he just as pretty in person as he is on the television? I bet he is. He seems VERY pretty!

          I bet Dr. Ruffalo wears normal socks. He seems normal-socksy, doesn’t he?

          Like

  • blogginglily

    I get up at 5:30. . . last night I posted a blog at 12:30 and then sat around and watched it until 1:30. . . and then went to bed and I’m tired. . . this post speaks to me.

    Like

  • Heather

    I’m glad you survived! Early morning suck. I’m not a morning person OR a night owl–I’m a middle-of-the-day person. HA!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m such a nighttime person. My perfect sleeping-time is 2-10am. If I were allowed to sleep whenever I wanted to, that is. Which of course I’m not. Sigh.

      Like

      • Heather

        This is actually my usual sleep pattern in the summer when the kids don’t have school. I’m all out of whack now because my body doesn’t want to go to sleep earlier, but I have to be up at 6:30am. Eric has no sympathy for me, though, since he has to be up at 5am every day for work. First world problems, hey?

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I think if I had to do it daily, I could get used to getting up this early. But my work schedule is whenever they need me right now (I’m filling in as-needed at my part-time job while job-hunting, and thankfully! I need the money and thank them every day for giving me the hours, I’ll take whatever they’ve got!) and so one day it’ll be 7-3:15, and the next day it’ll be 3-10:45. So I’m all over the place. I feel like I’ve got a split personality.

          Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    You got four eyes? That’s weird.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      No, no. I have two eyes, one of which was all red. Then I put eyeshadow on them. So the same two eyes then had crazy eyeshadow. It was quite a fun morning. This morning was similarly nuts. Blergh.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I was gonna comment some more, but I only got like 3.5 hours sleep last night and I’m so tired I’m actually shaking, so instead I’m going to go to sleep and sleep for perhaps even 8 hours, unless I have some more nightmares (I hate zombies).

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m sending you happy sleep-thoughts tonight. You’re going to sleep like a baby. Like a happy sleepy baby. YOU ARE, DAMMIT. I worry about you, you know.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Thank you! I actually slept for almost 7 hours, which was great! No zombies or anything. (There were some kind of stressful dreams, but they’re already fading away and I can’t really remember what they were about..)

        And don’t you start worrying now – I was only so tired last night because I got home late(ish) from a company dinner. I don’t seem to function properly when sleep deprived.

        Like

  • Blogdramedy

    Remember that super model Linda Evangelista? She used to say she didn’t get out of bed in the morning for less that $10K. I hope you can soon say the exact same thing. THE EXACT SAME! Only with even better hair than hers. :)

    Like

  • 35JupiterDrive

    I am in the first throes of unemployment and I have to say, I keep sleeping all sorts of weird hours. I got up this morning at 5 am because I went to sleep at around 730pm but I think that has to do with sleeping on a train for 4 nights out of 6 this past week. (Also, I thought my neck was in permanent ouchy mode but apparently not.)

    I love DUMBCAT. Soooooo much.

    I am also a night person. So I soooo feel for you. 7am is so early. 5 am, however, is late. Because in my world that is night, not morning. I will say, I have had to do shifts at 7am occasionally, and I must say, it’s very uncivilized and all the morning people are very chirpy and self-satisfied because apparently morning is better than evening but I disagree! Vehemently.

    Lately I feel like people think I’m a crazy bag lady. So lead the way!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The people at work are VERY chirpy that early! I’m just very quiet. I don’t have much to say before, say, 10am. TOO EARLY TO EXIST!

      You know, if it wasn’t for the no-money-coming-in and freaking out over potential homelessness thing, I kind of liked all the freedom to sleep whenever that unemployment was affording me.

      Like

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