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And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night…

I don’t have a massive amount of time to write this. A., I am EXHAUSTED, because it was a loooong day of work today. B., for some reason I have one of those headaches that makes you feel like you’re going to vomit all over your shoes whenever you stand or sit or look at things. But I’ve got to blog! Or what will happen? THE WORLD WILL END. Oh, wait, it wouldn’t? Well, I’d still feel majorly guilty. Just because I am working and headachey is NO EXCUSE NONE AT ALL.

OUCH OUCH OUCH

I had an exciting phone call that might turn into something even MORE exciting in the next couple of months tonight, but until it’s for sure and settled that’s all I can say. Just that it’s very exciting, and I did a happy dance when I got off the phone, and it’s something I’ve always wanted but never thought was a possibility. No, it wasn’t someone calling to hire me for an awesome full-time job with benefits. Don’t get THAT excited. Someday soon, maybe. Keep those fingers crossed. Anyway, the top-secrety thing is VERY EXCITING and as soon as it’s a guarantee and not just a maybe (oh, how I want it to be a yes and not just a maybe!) I will tell you all about it. With many all-caps and ZOMGs. Promise. It’s a fun and good thing and perfect for me and I haven’t stopped smiling since I got the call tonight.

In news of the weather, Hurricane Isaac is a’comin’! All rockin’ and rollin’ up the east coast of the States. My weatherlady (she of the increasingly tighter and shorter dresses, which is just confusing…it’s like she thinks she’s a Fox News anchorlady) is just frothing at the mouth over the weather pattern down south. My favorite thing she said yesterday was that we were working with a “cone of uncertainty.” CONE OF UNCERTAINTY! It’s like the Cone of Shame pets have to wear home from the vet. Do not wander into the CONE OF UNCERTAINTY! Or you will be sure to meet UNENDING DOOM! (Yes, yes, I’ve been saying cone of uncertainty repeatedly for two days in a very film-preview-announcer voice. It’s been cracking me up incessantly. I am easily amused all alone in my house.)

CONE OF UNCERTAINTY! I’m uncertain just looking at this, aren’t you?

In more LOCAL hurricane news, my brother is getting on a plane for Florida tomorrow. Yes, I realize you’re all reading this TUESDAY. Sorry. I can’t write posts the day-of, I’m not a newspaperlady. Anyway, my brother, in his infinite wisdom, has a plane ticket for Florida for the day the storm’s supposed to come in. That seems ill-advised to me. My dad isn’t even sure the plane’s going to take off and everyone’s all in a tizzy in Amy’s-family-land. But apparently once you have plane tickets it’s not like you can exchange them for a better date without paying some sort of insane fee or something, so he’s stuck with the plane tickets of DEATH flying straight into the CONE OF UNCERTAINTY and this is all very worrisome. So send out belated good thoughts for my little brother who is defying death tomorrow. Bad news, little brother! You should stay home where we don’t have kooky hurricanes!

Also, it’s upsetting the Republicans, because they’re having their convention in Florida this week, and because of Isaac, they’ve had to change plans around, and the major networks have said they’re not going to show the convention (I’m not really sure why…maybe because it would be a shouty snoozefest?) and they are SO MAD. What does Amy’s dad think of all this? Well, if I asked him (I haven’t, do you think I WANT to get in an argument with him? We haven’t discussed politics in MONTHS) he’d say “That hurricane is a GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY.” I think he’d probably say Gore sent it. He thinks Gore is in charge of the weather. Only when it’s bad, though. When it’s nice weather, he thinks Fox News sent it.

See? Look at this photo. It’s like he’s the MASTER of weather!

In news of GERMANY, and also ANIMALS, two things I like very much, thank you, we have another story of hijinks at a German zoo. I’m beginning to distrust German zoos, you guys. BFF has alerted me to the following story, in which we learn that Cologne, Germany, a tiger ESCAPED FROM ITS PEN and ATE A ZOOKEEPER. I’m exaggerating about the eating part, but the tiger totally killed the zookeeper. BFF wants to know what’s going on at the German zoos. I concur.

This is a terrifying photo. EAT YOUR FACE RIGHT OFF!

“The tiger slipped through a passage between the enclosure and an adjacent storage building, where it fatally attacked the 43-year-old keeper, said police spokesman Stefan Kirchner.” ZOMG SLIPPED. That tiger was wily and worrisome. Like a secretive snake of a tiger. All slipping in passages and waiting for zookeepers and then popping out like jack-in-the-boxes and then mauling and mauling.

Where is the tiger? You can’t SEE him. UNTIL HE EATS YOU.

Then another zookeeper killed the tiger, which is super-sad. I mean, I don’t like killer tigers. Who does? But I also don’t like dead tigers, because I find tigers beautiful and there aren’t enough of them in the world. I want to pet a tiger. I mean, not while it’s eating my face or anything. I’d like to become friends with a zoo veterinarian, and then one day, that zoo veterinarian would have to do some sort of procedure on a tiger. I’m thinking a teeth-cleaning.  (YES, I have VERY DETAILED IMAGINATIONS. What, you don’t? I blame it on the fact that I don’t dream at night. So I do my dreaming during the day.) So anyway, the zoo veterinarian would invite me over and he’d anesthetize the tiger for his procedure. Then, while that tiger is all sleepy, I can PET THAT TIGER. All the pettings! I could feel what the tiger’s fur feels like! I’m thinking rough but also shiny. I would also like to touch that tiger’s paws and claws. I think they would be awesome and powerful. Wouldn’t this be the best? Yes. Yes it would. Where is my zoo veterinarian friend, please?

Here is a tiger vet at the Oregon Zoo. SHE IS HUGGING HIM YO!

Anyway, I did research because I’m getting a little worried about all this zoo-news and Ken’s safety. First, Cologne is about 350 miles away from Ken, so I think the ghost of the murdered tiger will not eat Ken’s face. That’s nice to know, I don’t want ghost-tigers eating my friend’s faces. Then I checked on zoos IN Ken’s city. A BILLION! Ken, there are a billion zoos in your city. Give or take a billion. But there are at least 2 or 3. Why did you not mention this? Do you go to these zoos?

Look what Ken has! Tierpark Hellabrunn!

You have TIERPARKS and you have SEA LIFE PARKS and you have THIS PLACE which I am not 100% sure if it is a pet store or a zoo and also the website makes terrible animal noises when you click on it so don’t you click that at work, my little investigative reporters. You’ll get fired and I can’t have all of YOU being unemployed, too. If I have you all on my conscience, too, my conscience would collapse like a fine soufflé. It’s barely standing on its own as it is. KEN KEN KEN KEN. Why are you not going to tierparks and sea life parks and things that may or may not be pet stores and sending me a million photos? I AM DISAPPOINTED, my German correspondent! Right in your own CITY you have zoos and you have not visited them to tell me all about them! Oh, also, please don’t get eaten by the animals. It seems that German zoos have animals running all willy-nilly lately and that is worrisome. So if you’re walking around your happy city and you see a bear, please don’t attempt to take its photo. RUN AWAY KEN. I know, I KNOW, it would be an AMAZING PHOTO OP. You having all of your body parts would also be awesome. Don’t take photos of wild animals if you see them in your streets, Ken. I MEAN IT.

Except tortoises. You can take photos of the German tierpark tortoises if they are loose in your streets. They will not eat your face, and I know how much you like them.

OK. I’ve got to go to sleep or my head’s going to explode like a waterballoon. No one’d like that, now would they? Nope. Here’s hoping this stupid headache will be gone when I wake up tomorrow. Blergh, headache. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.

CONE OF UNCERTAINTYYYYYYY.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

34 responses to “And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night…

  • blogginglily

    So the tiger died, because it was a mankiller or whatever. My father in law had to put his dog to sleep yesterday. His name was Percy. He was a Welsh Corgi.

    I’m TOLD that they stayed with him after they administered the drug and the vet said, “He has about 10 more seconds. . . you should say your goodbyes” and I thought and thought about that. It made me so sad.

    I thought. . . what do you say to a dog you love who is dying? I just think I would say over and over and over and over. . . “You’re a good dog, Percy. You’re a really good dog” I think that’s the happiest thing that dogs hear. . . and I want to think that Percy, lying on the vet’s table was all proud of what a good dog he was for his daddy and mommy and that it was the last thing he felt before he slipped away.

    And your story made me think of the tiger lying on the table with the vet. Now I’m all sad again about Percy. I don’t really even care about dogs or cats all that much, but the thought of Percy, who WAS a good dog, lying on the table as my in-laws petted him and told him what a good dog he was as he died fills me with too much sad.

    Like

    • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

      Since I married my husband (20 years ago), we’ve said good-bye to 3 dogs – all put down humanely, due to terminal illness. I have been with every one of them, petting them and telling them WHAT GOOD DOGS they have been. It’s a very hard thing to do, but it’s the least I can do for them, after all they have given to us.

      Excuse me now, I have something in my eye….

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      That is very sad. I’ve been with a lot of dogs at the end of their lives. You tell them how good they are and you pet them and you hold them so they feel you close to them. It’s all you can do.

      I’m sorry about your in-law’s dog. No sarcasm. I really am.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    when i was a young thing i used to go to the zoo every weekend. i mean, i was a teenager not an infant, so i was pretty into animals.

    at “careers advice” i said i wanted to be a vet because although i had seen all those people working at the zoo it never occurred to me that THAT was a job. the adviser looked at my academic record and said i was too stupid to be a vet but i could be a vet’s secretary. so i went off the idea.

    but imagine, if she’d said “hey, bozo, there are LOTS of DIFFERENT animaly jobs” or if she’d said “what is is that you find interesting about animals” and listened to me and then given me advice i might not be writing this comment to you. i might have been mauled to death by tigers i tried to cuddle at longleat or the like.

    pause for thought, right?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Those career people suck. All they told me I could do was be a doctor. ALL they told me. “Oh, you’re top of your class? DOCTOR.” I don’t know that I ever WANTED to be a doctor, I just thought, “well, the professional lady said so, so I guess…” UGH. NO. I am not at all sciency enough to be a doctor! I’m much too artsy!

      You wouldn’t be eaten. The tigers would love you. You would be BFFs with the tigers.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Erm.. How can you be SURE you’ll meet your unending doom if it’s the come of UNCERTAINTY? Surely it could wouldn’t be more than likely at most?

    Like

  • sj

    I am totally surprised that you didn’t include the story about the Essex Lion, but when I went looking for the story to link to you, it’s looking like it WAS A HOAX!

    A LION HOAX!!!!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    A little while back a young female zoo keeper was killed and half-eaten by wolves at the Kolmården zoo in southern Sweden. It was all a big shock and very tragic.

    I guess we shouldn’t forget that these animals, although semi-domesticated, are still predators and that we’re made out of meat.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ve been saying that for YEARS. It’s why I think anyone who has a wild animal as a pet deserves to have their face eaten off. THEY ARE NOT PETS.

      “We’re made out of meat” is the best thing ever.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Oh and thanks for the headache, by the way. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve passed it on to someone else now.

    Like

  • becomingcliche

    You are not imaginating overly much. They do clean tigers’ teeth when necessary. Our zoo does scheduled physicals, and they check them ALL over while they’re down. Tiger fur is silky when you stroke it. Like satin.

    Like

  • Heather

    Your father can’t blame the CONE OF UNCERTAINTY on Al Gore, because Rush Limbaugh already blamed it on Obama, from what I hear. I’m not even sure how that works.

    I’m also giggling like crazy over COME OF UNCERTAINTY. It’s got to be a pretty lame orgasm if you can’t be certain you had one.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I feel like the COME OF UNCERTAINTY would end with a question mark. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Ummm, yes?”

      Wait, I need to know who to blame this CONE OF UNCERTAINTY on, or how will I sleep tonight?

      Oh, wait, I know. Tom Cruise.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Oh come on, you guys! It was just a tiny little typo! Let it go.

        And don’t make me explain the validity of the expression “come of uncertainty”. Because I totally could if I had to.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          Oh, I pick because I LOVE, Andreas. I would never pick on anyone I didn’t like. Those people can bite me.

          My dad said, “Stop picking on the spy from Finland, he’ll come murder you if you do.”

          If I keep picking on you, is that true? Are you coming here? I mean, I’d appreciate if you didn’t murder me, but I’ll totally keep picking on your typos if it means I get a visit.

          Like

        • Heather

          Honestly, I didn’t even notice your typo until Amy pointed it out. Hahaha! So I was more laughing with Amy about the thought of “come of uncertainty” Then te fact that it was an unfortunate typo. Although, that explanation might be hilarious…

          Also, I am the QUEEN of unfortunate typos ’round these parts, so I don’t feel bad laughing at others’. HAHAHA!

          Like

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