I don’t have a massive amount of time to write this. A., I am EXHAUSTED, because it was a loooong day of work today. B., for some reason I have one of those headaches that makes you feel like you’re going to vomit all over your shoes whenever you stand or sit or look at things. But I’ve got to blog! Or what will happen? THE WORLD WILL END. Oh, wait, it wouldn’t? Well, I’d still feel majorly guilty. Just because I am working and headachey is NO EXCUSE NONE AT ALL.
I had an exciting phone call that might turn into something even MORE exciting in the next couple of months tonight, but until it’s for sure and settled that’s all I can say. Just that it’s very exciting, and I did a happy dance when I got off the phone, and it’s something I’ve always wanted but never thought was a possibility. No, it wasn’t someone calling to hire me for an awesome full-time job with benefits. Don’t get THAT excited. Someday soon, maybe. Keep those fingers crossed. Anyway, the top-secrety thing is VERY EXCITING and as soon as it’s a guarantee and not just a maybe (oh, how I want it to be a yes and not just a maybe!) I will tell you all about it. With many all-caps and ZOMGs. Promise. It’s a fun and good thing and perfect for me and I haven’t stopped smiling since I got the call tonight.
In news of the weather, Hurricane Isaac is a’comin’! All rockin’ and rollin’ up the east coast of the States. My weatherlady (she of the increasingly tighter and shorter dresses, which is just confusing…it’s like she thinks she’s a Fox News anchorlady) is just frothing at the mouth over the weather pattern down south. My favorite thing she said yesterday was that we were working with a “cone of uncertainty.” CONE OF UNCERTAINTY! It’s like the Cone of Shame pets have to wear home from the vet. Do not wander into the CONE OF UNCERTAINTY! Or you will be sure to meet UNENDING DOOM! (Yes, yes, I’ve been saying cone of uncertainty repeatedly for two days in a very film-preview-announcer voice. It’s been cracking me up incessantly. I am easily amused all alone in my house.)
In more LOCAL hurricane news, my brother is getting on a plane for Florida tomorrow. Yes, I realize you’re all reading this TUESDAY. Sorry. I can’t write posts the day-of, I’m not a newspaperlady. Anyway, my brother, in his infinite wisdom, has a plane ticket for Florida for the day the storm’s supposed to come in. That seems ill-advised to me. My dad isn’t even sure the plane’s going to take off and everyone’s all in a tizzy in Amy’s-family-land. But apparently once you have plane tickets it’s not like you can exchange them for a better date without paying some sort of insane fee or something, so he’s stuck with the plane tickets of DEATH flying straight into the CONE OF UNCERTAINTY and this is all very worrisome. So send out belated good thoughts for my little brother who is defying death tomorrow. Bad news, little brother! You should stay home where we don’t have kooky hurricanes!
Also, it’s upsetting the Republicans, because they’re having their convention in Florida this week, and because of Isaac, they’ve had to change plans around, and the major networks have said they’re not going to show the convention (I’m not really sure why…maybe because it would be a shouty snoozefest?) and they are SO MAD. What does Amy’s dad think of all this? Well, if I asked him (I haven’t, do you think I WANT to get in an argument with him? We haven’t discussed politics in MONTHS) he’d say “That hurricane is a GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY.” I think he’d probably say Gore sent it. He thinks Gore is in charge of the weather. Only when it’s bad, though. When it’s nice weather, he thinks Fox News sent it.
In news of GERMANY, and also ANIMALS, two things I like very much, thank you, we have another story of hijinks at a German zoo. I’m beginning to distrust German zoos, you guys. BFF has alerted me to the following story, in which we learn that Cologne, Germany, a tiger ESCAPED FROM ITS PEN and ATE A ZOOKEEPER. I’m exaggerating about the eating part, but the tiger totally killed the zookeeper. BFF wants to know what’s going on at the German zoos. I concur.
“The tiger slipped through a passage between the enclosure and an adjacent storage building, where it fatally attacked the 43-year-old keeper, said police spokesman Stefan Kirchner.” ZOMG SLIPPED. That tiger was wily and worrisome. Like a secretive snake of a tiger. All slipping in passages and waiting for zookeepers and then popping out like jack-in-the-boxes and then mauling and mauling.
Then another zookeeper killed the tiger, which is super-sad. I mean, I don’t like killer tigers. Who does? But I also don’t like dead tigers, because I find tigers beautiful and there aren’t enough of them in the world. I want to pet a tiger. I mean, not while it’s eating my face or anything. I’d like to become friends with a zoo veterinarian, and then one day, that zoo veterinarian would have to do some sort of procedure on a tiger. I’m thinking a teeth-cleaning. (YES, I have VERY DETAILED IMAGINATIONS. What, you don’t? I blame it on the fact that I don’t dream at night. So I do my dreaming during the day.) So anyway, the zoo veterinarian would invite me over and he’d anesthetize the tiger for his procedure. Then, while that tiger is all sleepy, I can PET THAT TIGER. All the pettings! I could feel what the tiger’s fur feels like! I’m thinking rough but also shiny. I would also like to touch that tiger’s paws and claws. I think they would be awesome and powerful. Wouldn’t this be the best? Yes. Yes it would. Where is my zoo veterinarian friend, please?
Anyway, I did research because I’m getting a little worried about all this zoo-news and Ken’s safety. First, Cologne is about 350 miles away from Ken, so I think the ghost of the murdered tiger will not eat Ken’s face. That’s nice to know, I don’t want ghost-tigers eating my friend’s faces. Then I checked on zoos IN Ken’s city. A BILLION! Ken, there are a billion zoos in your city. Give or take a billion. But there are at least 2 or 3. Why did you not mention this? Do you go to these zoos?
You have TIERPARKS and you have SEA LIFE PARKS and you have THIS PLACE which I am not 100% sure if it is a pet store or a zoo and also the website makes terrible animal noises when you click on it so don’t you click that at work, my little investigative reporters. You’ll get fired and I can’t have all of YOU being unemployed, too. If I have you all on my conscience, too, my conscience would collapse like a fine soufflé. It’s barely standing on its own as it is. KEN KEN KEN KEN. Why are you not going to tierparks and sea life parks and things that may or may not be pet stores and sending me a million photos? I AM DISAPPOINTED, my German correspondent! Right in your own CITY you have zoos and you have not visited them to tell me all about them! Oh, also, please don’t get eaten by the animals. It seems that German zoos have animals running all willy-nilly lately and that is worrisome. So if you’re walking around your happy city and you see a bear, please don’t attempt to take its photo. RUN AWAY KEN. I know, I KNOW, it would be an AMAZING PHOTO OP. You having all of your body parts would also be awesome. Don’t take photos of wild animals if you see them in your streets, Ken. I MEAN IT.
OK. I’ve got to go to sleep or my head’s going to explode like a waterballoon. No one’d like that, now would they? Nope. Here’s hoping this stupid headache will be gone when I wake up tomorrow. Blergh, headache. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.
CONE OF UNCERTAINTYYYYYYY.