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Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 7)

Yep, you all saw this one coming! It’s Amy-answers-your-questions-day! Yippee! That’s always a very auspicious day in blogland. I know you’re all waiting on this, because you’re all, “I’ve got QUESTIONS, who will ANSWER them,” and the answer to THAT question is ME, my friends and minions! IT IS ME!

So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. What, some people might want a rundown, I don’t know. Some people might be new readers. I might have some new friends. I’m friendly enough on a good day. Don’t ask about a bad day, because I don’t want to talk about that right now. I SAID NO. Ahem. Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I give advice, and I answer your questions, and we have the best of times. Just the best. And you leave ENLIGHTENED. New agey or some such shit. Awesome, right? Right.

ENLIGHTENMENT, BABY!

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. Here at the old Lucy’s Football. Where I do many things, but answering questions is not one of them. EXCEPT TODAY! And…well, once a month when I do this. It’s my community service for the month. I deserve an award.

does tattooing with maalox really remove ink   Huh. I don’t…is this a thing? This is how people are removing tattoos? Really? I gotta Google this shit, I have never heard of such a thing in my LIFE. Nope. Google’s never heard of it, either. So, I’m going to say nope. Don’t let anyone inject you with Maalox in order to remove your ill-begotten jailhouse tattoo. Also, you can’t even GET Maalox anymore, it’s totally been yanked from the shelves all nefarious-like, there’s no real answer as to why, either. So even if you were weird enough to do it, you can’t. So, you’re welcome, don’t mainline antacids for any reason.

Listen, I can understand why you’d want to Maalox this shit out. YOWZA.

can feline toxoplasmosis be caught from sniffing each others bums Hee! Nice. This one’s kind of related to one of my favorite posts ever. OK, so it’s spread by the ingestion of infected cat poo. So, I suppose there is a slight chance if your cat sniffed another cat’s bum (points for the use of the word “bum” which makes me giggle) and there was some poo on that bum and then your cat licked his nose, he or she might become infected. I think the odds are pretty slim, though. You’re welcome! This was a very sciency question and I like such things.

i am looking for a large ventriloquist badger puppet to buy where can I get one Are you sure you want such a thing? Really sure? Ventriloquist dummies are scary, even if they’re adorable badgers. Also, “large” scares me because that could eat your head. Anyway, I found you this. It’s not so creepy and it’s pretty big. How’s this? There’s no price but it looks like you could contact them if you were interested. You’re welcome, please don’t scare kids with this thing.

Do I win internetting?

i hate to call people and they never answer the phone how to fix? Um. Well, I fixed it by never calling people ever, because I hate the phone. Also, I’m the asshole who never answers the phone when people call. Sorry about that. I prefer texting or email. I don’t like talking to people, it makes me nervousfaced. I don’t know that there’s a fix, to be honest, my little apple cobbler. It’s a fact of life. You gotta suck it up. Sometimes people have a life and other things going on and you’re not their first priority in that period of time. Maybe a fix would be to set a time with them that you’ll be calling, then they’re more likely to pick up the phone then? I guess? You’re welcome, you’re worrying about silly things.

i want my amygdala to be removed can a doctor do that No. No, you don’t. If your amygdala is lost or damaged, you have all kinds of issues. You have no impulse control, you gamble, you don’t understand loss-aversion, you have problems processing emotions, you lose your fear, which SOUNDS good, but you lose your fear of rational things like damage and car accidents and such. You’ll be emotionally stunted and handicapped without your amygdala. Also, that’d be brain surgery, and no doctor’s going to all willy-nilly remove part of your brain. I think you might need some therapy, cupcake. You’re welcome, go see a therapist.

Do you really want someone all cutting you up to get this out? Do you really? Yikes!

if my sugar glider sleeps in my shirt does that mean he likes me I’m sure he’s fond enough of you, but mostly it’s probably because sugar gliders are social, and they like to be close to people and other sugar gliders and such. Or they DIE. A horrible, sad, lonely, prolonged death. So, sure, tell yourself it’s because it loves you the most most most, but mostly it’s so it doesn’t die. You’re welcome, get it another sugar glider so it’s not lonely.

Aw, scheepy little guy! Squish!

is it my right to be diferent Well, I don’t know about “right.” We’re all different, it’s just the way life is. Even identical twins are different. But “right?” Nah. We don’t have a lot of rights in this world. We’ve got some afforded by the government, sure. But there’s always a catch and shit. So, sure, be different, babydoll, do your own thing. Different is awesome. If we were all the same, how boring would the world be? But “right?” Nah. You’re welcome, let your freak flag fly.

laura’s football? amy’s football? who’s football? This isn’t so much a question, but it made me giggle. I don’t know who Laura is. Also, it’s whose, not “who’s.” Anyway, grammar aside, It’s Lucy’s Football, you can read why on my FAQ page, but I am Amy. Easy peasy, Question McGee. I still don’t know who Laura is. You’re welcome anyway.

my head go bingbing when i trying to go to sleep. is it normal?  ZOMG “bingbing.” That might be my favorite thing all month. My head ALSO goes bingbing when I’m trying to sleep. And my heart sometimes goes dingdong. That’s a panic attack, though. Is it normal? Well, I don’t know about normal. It’s a pain in the ass, is what it is. I think it’s normal for some of us. Some of us have so many thoughts we can’t shut them off when we attempt to recharge for the evening. I wish I could tell you how to make that better, that bingbinging. Some people have luck with meditation; some with medication; some with alcohol; some with exercise; some with sex. Me, I’ve had terrible sleep for twenty-five years and have only recently, in the past month, started getting the best sleep of my life. Since I was fired. So I don’t know what to tell you. I’m not encouraging you to get fired. It’s hard to feed yourself if you have no money coming in. But as for sleeping – I’ve gone from getting 5 hours a night to 8-9 hours a night and it’s kind of the only good thing (other than not having to go to a job that was killing my soul, which is also good. I mean, other than I might starve to death or become homeless. But hey! My soul is alive and well!) to come out of this whole FUBAR situation. You’re welcome, I wish I could actually help. It’s a suckfest all around, isn’t it?

my nephews saw me having sex what do I tell them Oh. I – um. Both nephews? That’s – huh. Well, I don’t have kids. What’s the rule on this? Are you supposed to head it off at the pass and talk to them first, or are you supposed to wait til they come to you all “WHY WAS UNCLE JIMMY ATTACKING YOU NAKED AUNT LAVERNE?” I’m not sure what’s the best plan of attack, psychologically. Have you talked to their parents? They might have a preference what gets said and what doesn’t. Or those kids might know exactly what’s up. Kids are savvy nowadays, yo. I think some kids know more than I do about sex, honestly. Does that make me sad? Yes. Yes, it does. You’re welcome, maybe you could lock the door the next time the nephews are over?

where do I find a non creepy vent doll  Apparently, “vent doll” means “ventriloquist’s dummy.” And the answer is, YOU CAN’T. Stop looking. It’s futile. You’re welcome, buy something nice like a Beanie Baby or some such shit.

Nothing creepy about a butcher ventriloquist dummy at all. NOT AT ALL.

what is the best way to address letter to rich men Um…Dear Sir? The Most Honorable Judge McGillicutty? Sexy Britches? This is a weird question. You’re being weird. You’re welcome, don’t write to strangers.

what do you call it when a wild boar impales you Death. Or possibly a euphemism. Ken’s going to have to make the ruling on this one. It’s kind of his job. You’re welcome, you might want to see a doctor or something.

WILDSCHWEINE! A tusky wildschweine!

what does it mean when u jakoff and cant fell nothing  Whoa. OK, first? You don’t need to use textspeak in real life. You know that, right? Let’s pretend you were polite enough to use proper spelling and grammar. Do you mean mentally or physically? Are you on antidepressants? They have anorgasmic properties. Have you recently experienced either a head or genital trauma? Have you visited a doctor? Or are you being gross and just want someone to talk dirty to you? Is this Ding Dong Joe? GROSS. Anyway, if this is real, it’ll get better, and if it doesn’t, go see a doctor. If this is false, DING DONG JOE! You need to stop it, you’re making me feel icked out. You’re welcome. Maybe. Unless you’re being pervy.

what happens if i accidentally injected hog cholera to my hands OK, I just have to ask. HOW CAN YOU ACCIDENTALLY DO SUCH A THING. You “accidentally” trip and drop a shopping bag. You “accidentally” forget your friend’s birthday. You “accidentally” forget to buy the eggs you need to make the cake. You don’t “accidentally” INJECT YOURSELF WITH HOG CHOLERA. Also, hog cholera is a thing? Wow, that’s specific! I didn’t know there were different TYPES of cholera. Anyway, let’s assume you work at a lab where you work with hog cholera, and you left a syringe of it all poking up in your pen-cup, and you reached for your mechanical pencil, and you jabbed yourself with hog cholera. What’s going to happen to you? Well, according to this site (The Pig Site! Hee!) it doesn’t affect humans at all. You’re safe, sunshine. Stop jabbin’ yourself with needles. You’re welcome.

Whoa, hog cholera!

what rich person will help me start a business What SPECIFIC rich person? Shit, I don’t know. Probably none. There’s no free lunch in this life, babe. Start a friggin’ Kickstarter or something. You can’t rely on rich people to fund your projects. That’s their money. It’s a nice pipe dream but it’s not likely at all. Don’t bet on it. You’re welcome, think of another way.

what to write to your dad on his birthday on facebook Oh, for the love of Pete. Ever since I wrote a nice post to my dad on his birthday, I get seriously 25 or so searches a month about “what to say to my dad on his birthday.” So I’m pretty sure there are a number of people just copy-pasting my post and sending it to their dad on his birthday and he’s all “HONEY YOU ARE SO WISE” but you are a dirty word-stealer. I hope you’re appropriately ashamed. Only you know what’s best to say to your own dad, pop-tart. It’s YOUR dad. Also, it’s effing Facebook, you know? Say, “happy birthday, old man!” and let that be that. Who cares, no one reads that shit anyway. You’re welcome, think for yourself for once.

what’s the meaning of “he ain’t never caught a rabbit”?  Sometimes you people befuddle me. What is confusing about this? It’s from a damn Elvis song. His songs weren’t especially deep. He ain’t never caught a rabbit. He – the hound dog – has never caught a rabbit. End of story. He is not a very good hunting dog. He ain’t no friend of Elvis’s.  mean, I suppose it could be a euphemism, but probably it isn’t. It’s just a hound dog. He said he was high class? That was just a lie. You’re welcome, don’t read so much into things.

when someone asks if you’re a god, what do you reply? Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say YES! Come on now. That’s an easy one. Please tell me you’ve seen Ghostbusters. You have, right? If you haven’t, what is WRONG with you? You watch that. You watch that right now. You’re welcome, please catch up on your canonical sci-fi/horror/comedy movies.

where to purchase a feshlight near aurora, il If you’re doing a search for it and you’re spelling it “feshlight” you’re probably not going to find it. If you’re looking for a “fleshlight,” why not buy it online? Cheaper, I’m pretty sure they package it discreetly…oh, wait, probably you can’t wait for it to be shipped, right? Ew ew ew. Nevermind. You’re welcome, Ding Dong Joe. Wait, Ding Dong Joe, you live in Aurora? Say hi to Wayne and Garth for me!

Schwing!

where would your legs go on a pegasus This is an EXCELLENT question! I would think you’d ride close up by its neck, so its wings wouldn’t be in the way and smack you and give you rugburn. Wingburn. Featherburn. The pegasus would tell you what to do. With its MIND. Pegasuses are probably good at directing their riders where best to sit. Cross that bridge – er, um, I guess, ride that pegasus – when you get to it. You’re welcome, have fun in the sky.

According to this statue at the Louvre, you ride a pegasus SIDESADDLE. I’d think you’d fall off if you did that. Don’t do that.

why do ultrasound people have pokerface They have to, probably, because if they notice you have a HUGE HONKING TUMOR they don’t want to scare you. It’s best that they don’t have scaredface. Wouldn’t you freak the hell out if you got an ultrasound and the technician was all “ZOMG!” and had HUGE SCARED EYES? I wouldn’t like that much. It’s for the best. I promise. You’re welcome, take deep breaths, sicky.

why it took you so long to write your book Aw, aren’t you adorable? Because I never thought I’d get a book published, so I just kept on a’writin’ poetry with no eye on getting it collected and published anywhere. Then the opportunity to publish came up, so I grabbed it with both hands. So, there’s poetry in there from as far back as twenty years ago. You’re welcome! A question about me, how cute is that?

Whoo! Big-time question-answering, yeah? Impressive! Lots of questions this month! We totally ran the gamut of questioning. I handled it like a boss, though. I’m pretty sure people got what they were looking for and MORE.

Until next month – may your questions be answered and your searches bring you somewhere helpful, like here, or maybe to Dear Abby. What, I know she’s dead, but someone’s pretending to be her now, it’s not like they’re going to leave you hanging over there. Sheesh.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

24 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 7)

  • sj

    I have ALSO always wondered how one would ride a pegasus. Thank you for answering that burning question, Laura’s Lucy’s Football!

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    ‘Squish’? ‘Squish’?! Really?!

    *slowly shakes head*

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      No! NICE squish! Not KILLING squish. Squish is just what I say when something’s adorable. Not when I want to kill it.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Oh. I thought you meant you wanted the hand to squish the poor sleepy sugar glider like a little bug? Ok, I’ll un-shake my head now.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          No no no! No squishing. The only things I squish in a squishy way are things that are trying to bite me, like mosquitoes, and bugs that are in my house if I can’t get them out safely. I’m not killy at all. Oh, well, I killed a mouse once, but to stop its suffering so that barely counts. That was NICE. (I don’t count the animals I euthanized when I worked at the humane society. Different situation. It wasn’t like it was for fun.)

          Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I always thought the phrase ‘We just hugged in a special way’ would cover it?

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    That butcher ventriloquist dummy must be my favourite thing I’ve seen all day! I mean: just look at it’s little black holes for eyes! And it’s big grin! And the apron!

    Oh dear.. *wipes tears from eyes* I’m still laughing!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      You’re not supposed to LAUGH! It’s FRIGHTENING!

      I love that it made you laugh instead of scared. When the puppets rise up to eat all our faces, I’m coming to Finland. You’ll protect me.

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Oh yeah, forgot about your Pupaphobia. Or is it Pediophobia? I keep mixing them up (we only have one word for puppets and dolls in Swedish, namely ‘docka’).

        Perhaps we should just call it Automatonophobia and leave it at that.

        And of course you’re welcome to come to Finland for puppet protection. We’ve got dogs. They’ll tear those puppets to splinters.

        Like

  • Heather

    Some of these questions made me feel icky and nauseous. Ew. Who would nonchalantly want part of their brain removed? Who accidently injects themselves with pug fat? WHO WOULD ALLOW SOMEONE TO TATTOO THEM WITH MAALOX? I feel so icky.

    Like

    • Heather

      Heh. Pug fat. Call PETA.

      Like

    • lucysfootball

      There are some weird searchers in the world. Did you ever search for a celebrity? If you look, the first search for them is always “feet.” Like, say you’re searching for Lindsay Lohan. Yeah, don’t ask why you would be. But you know how Google autofills? Check below, and it’ll always say “Lindsay Lohan feet.” SO MANY FOOT FETISHISTS OUT THERE GAH.

      Like

      • sj

        YES, THIS IS TRUE!

        Also, last week, I was trying to find where I can move that has the fewest bugs because I hate living in the South, bug capitol of the US.

        I got as far as “What US cities have the fewest b…” and it finished it with “black people.” I was so appalled.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          ZOMG. This made me appalled and also laugh. Then guilty because I laughed. (In my defense, I laughed because I was imagining your face seeing that search.) I can’t even believe the things people search. And what’s worse? That’s the MOST POPULAR search. Those are the things people search the MOST.

          I have the answer for you on the bugs, ready? Flagstaff, Arizona! The altitude is super-high (it takes a few weeks to acclimate, actually – you feel dizzy and get nosebleeds for a little while) but because of that, bugs can’t live there. There are no mosquitoes and no ticks. Some flies, some spiders. But not many. It was one of the least-buggy places I’ve lived in my life. I totally miss that about it.

          Like

          • sj

            ZOMG, I know all about the altitude! We used to work up near Lake Arrowhead (it was an outdoor science school, we’d work/live there Monday-Friday) and the drive up the mountain always made me feel like crap for the first two days. Then I’d feel good and it’d be time to head BACK DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!

            Anyway, when I finally got some non-racist answers out of google, it said Flagstaff and also Denver. So, I don’t know. I just know that I really really hate all of the gross bugs here (and I know Kate loves bugs, but fuuuuuuuuuuuuu SO MANY).

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              Denver’s nice, too. My brother lived there for 5 years and I visited once and liked it (and he LOVED it there, only moved home because he missed my parents too much.) Ken lived in Colorado for a while but I don’t know where. He might have bug-answers. But he is cheese-dreaming at the moment. No bug-answers from Ken!

              I loved a lot of things about Flagstaff, but missed NY so much. The no mosquito thing was AMAZING. Also, I loved monsoon season, the fact that there was a Sonic (CRUSHED ICE!), my amazing friend Mer lives there, and BFF lives not too far away. But overall, I’m a NY girl. I crossed the border into the state again and I don’t think I’ve ever grinned so much in my life. I cheered SO LOUD. :) I’ll deal with the mosquitoes if I must.

              Like

      • Heather

        WOW. That is a lot of people with foot fetishes. I’ve always wondered how that happens, too. There is nothing remotely sexy about feet. Ankles? Sure. Feet? Not a thing. Huh.

        I’m very disheartened by the autofill of sj’s search. I’m going to start typing in this search term twenty times a day:

        “City with the fewest bigoted fuckwads”

        Then when those people start that search, that’s what they’ll see instead. HA! I WIN!

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          You totally win. I love that. I can’t wait til that starts popping up in searches!

          Foot fetishes ick me out because I have the OPPOSITE of a foot fetish. I have a foot AVERSION. I don’t even like my OWN feet. And people touching my feet – ugh. It gives me the shivers. I could never get a pedicure for that very reason. NO FEET TOUCHING!

          Like

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