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An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 14)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:  

Here we are in August. It’s been quite a month, hasn’t it? Lots has happened. Like I have a lot more free time than I did the last time I wrote one of these! But also a lot less money (considering I didn’t have that much to begin with, that’s a worrisome situation!) Also, since it’s August, that means the summer is almost over. Huzzah for that! I’m looking forward to fall with the crunchiness of leaves and the nippiness of the evenings and the slightly smoky smell in the air. I do so love the fall. Come on already, fall.

Aaah. Can’t wait.

We had some fun and odd and interesting search terms this month. As we do, here at the ol’ Football. I love you guys. You make me smile. I like to imagine you searching and popping up here and just having the most confuzzled little faces, all, “this is not…at all…not at all what I was…dammit, Google.”

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the fourteenth one. As you can tell from the title. I don’t think I’ve done anything fourteen times in my LIFE. I have the attention span of a GOLDFISH. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Aw, I don’t know. Why does anyone do anything? Shits and giggles? Sheer and utter boredom? Manic depression? Could be anything, jellybeans.

So I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups so this post, which is already super-duper long, doesn’t get longer and scare people off. Well, scare them off MORE. Like a monster in the closet. BOO!

*swoon*

Category the First: Um. Good Plan?

air conditioning wear turtleneck

Yes. That’s…that’s a good idea. You could do that. You could also wear a cardigan, or a warmer top, or a jacket. The possibilities are endless, my cold-blooded friend. As for why you felt the need to search for this on the internet…well, I can’t answer that for you as handily, unfortunately. Sorry about that.

I like pictures where people are inexplicably happy about things like sweaters. HA HA SWEATER!

Category the Second: The Internet is For Porn

“happy wednesday” sexy -hump naughty girl
midgetporn
america whores epidemic
boar bestiality stories
comparisons of meg ryan in the olympic logo giving a blow job
i had sex with a pig stories
vagina lollipop from spencer’s
you came and you gave me a baby

I like that “midgetporn” is all one word. That makes me laugh.

THE WHORES IN AMERICA ARE AN EPIDEMIC Y’ALL CALL THE PO PO!

I’m pretty sure the Olympic logo was supposed to be Lisa Simpson giving head, not Meg Ryan, right?

I mean, I GUESS Meg Ryan…but it’s a lot more Lisa Simpson-esque to me.

Don’t have sex with pigs, weirdo. Ew.

What even…vagina lollipop? I don’t want to have to look that up. I have to, don’t I. For the love of…FINE. Ugh gross gross gross I NEED A BRAIN BLEACH RIGHT NOW INTERNET. I’m not putting a photo of that nonsense in here, no no no Charlie. 

I like that there’s some sort of wacky wordplay going on to the tune of “Mandy.” Heh.

Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser 

hypno forced sissy
i don’t wanna take advice from fools tattoo
transform to simple.he caught a rabbit which was fat
two addresses everyone knows

I don’t know what “hypno forced sissy” means. Are you forcing someone to BECOME a sissy? Or trying to stop them from being one? Or something more and MORE sinister? WHAT DOES THIS MEANNNNN?

Stop being WEAK ya damn SISSY. Look at the TWIRLING WHIRLYGIG.

This is not a good idea for a tattoo. If you need a reminder not to take advice from fools, write yourself a postit.

I feel like that’s part of a story, a little rabbity story. What’s the rest? Now I’m all curious.

What are two addresses everyone knows? I like riddles. I’d say your home address and the White House, but non-Americans don’t know the White House’s address. And homeless people don’t have an address so the first one would be moot. I don’t think there ARE two addresses everyone knows. Google’s not being helpful. Ideas, anyone?

Category the Fourth: Famous people are famous 

ben wyatt (3)
jeff goldblum (5)
joey greco (5)
benedict cumberbatch (9)
zak bagans (36)

In case you are confused, the number after these is the number of times people searched for these particular things. So, Ben Wyatt, 3 times. He’s losing traction, my little Ben Wyatt. Poor guy. Perhaps you’ve forgotten how adorable he was in his little Batman costume? Don’t worry. Parks and Recreation will be back soon.  

Treat! Yo! Self!

Jeff Goldblum! Ooh, Ken, this is very evil, now I’ve become a go-to search for all things Goldblummian. This is all bon-vivant related. I hope you’re prepared to use your assassin skills to protect the person who writes the Bon Vivant stories when Goldblum comes after her for breaking his nice-guy cover on the interwebs.

He’s onto us, Ken. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Look how suspicious he is!

Joey Greco is the host of Cheaters. I think I mentioned him once. You mention someone once, you become their web portal, apparently. (That is not a euphemism.)

And, as always, a gajillion people are a’searchin’ for Zak Bagans. This is never going to stop, is it? I’m going to be the Ghost Douche guru until the day I die. Sigh.

Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh. 

back to school unicorn
everyday single day is like whoa
foolishness of fuckery
gangsta song dun dun dun dun dunnnn dun dun ch not rock
girl on news that has a deformity that makes her look like an alien
guess what i wrote
i don’t like the look of your left eye it seems to have lost its googliness
liquid logic stingray
psychopaths love to go on road trips
purposely losing items to annoy me
sayings about fat unicorns
we are the best of friends we are like a little gang

I would like to see a back-to-school unicorn. I think it would wear a kicky sweaterset. Perhaps Maryjanes. A shiny new backpack. Oh, back to school unicorn, what a year you will have!

EVERY SINGLE DAY is like whoa. All of them. Just every one. I understand that. They truly are.

Fuckery is pretty foolish, but also sometimes awesome. Depends on how you’re doing it and who you’re doing it with, I suppose.

I LOVE how detailed that song lyric search is. I do a lot of song lyric searches myself? But I never put in the “dun dun dunnnn”s. I bet that’s why sometimes I can’t find the songs I like. GOOD TIP MY FRIEND.

There’s…there’s a girl on the news that has a deformity that makes her look like an alien? Do you mean like a news reporter, or someone that there was a news story about? Don’t make fun of people with birth defects. That’s rude. (Speaking of rude, my weatherlady has been wearing lower-cut tops and tighter dresses every DAY. It’s getting all KIDS of pervy all up over here.)

I’d like my newscasters to be aliens. That’d be all kinds of wacky.

I don’t know what you wrote. Are you going to tell me or keep me hanging?

“I don’t like the look of your left eye, it seems to have lost its googliness” makes me laugh SO HARD. In what situation is this sentence said? Because it is AWESOME. Also, you need to go see an ophthalmologist about this, loss of googliness is worrisome.

Liquid logic stingray. Huh. That sounds like a rave band, doesn’t it?

Psychopaths LOVE road trips. Because that gives them more places to dump the bodies. Also, they like road-snacks. True story!

KILLERS LOVE SNACKS YOU GUYS.

Who’s purposely losing items to annoy you? I think that’s not happening. You’re making shit up. Some people just lose things, calm down, sunshine.

Sayings about fat unicorns. Hee! Um…yo unicorn so FAT, when he LIE AROUND THE HOUSE, he lie ALL THE WAY around the house!

Oh, we totally are the best of friends and like a little gang. What I like most about this is that we’re like a “little” gang. I like when the word “little” gets added places. It makes me smile.

Category the Sixth: Aw, are you buying me a gift? Silver, please, not gold. I look trashy in gold. 

a star saying “lucy rules” inside

Aw, I wish I hadn’t seen this! I’ve ruined the surprise. Wouldn’t this be so pretty? Thanks, anonymous gift-giver! I DO rule.

Category the Seventh: Animals! 

do sugar gliders laugh
guy petting a manatee with black guys face photoshopped on
people acting like seagulls

I don’t know if sugar gliders laugh. Probably not. They probably make adorable little sugar-glider noises. You can pretend they’re laughing if you want. I pretend Dumbcat’s talking to me all the time. I know he’s not, but I live alone, what the hell else am I supposed to do?

This glider kind of looks like he’s laughing. I don’t know if he IS, but he kind of looks like he is.

I…I don’t understand that second one. Why do you want this? This is just weird as weird can be, yo. I can’t imagine the need for something of this sort.

Also, I totally want to see people acting like seagulls. Would they flap their arms, or would they say “mine mine mine” like the seagulls in Finding Nemo? I’m hoping for the latter. I sure do like those seagulls. They’re my favorite.

Category the Eighth: JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM. 

wimpic olympics 

Jim! Aw, look, people came here looking for the Wimpics!

You can click on Jim’s link above to learn about the adorableness of the Wimpics. I highly encourage clicking on anything Jim-related. Jim’s the bomb, yo.

Category the Ninth: Upsetting things.

all hurtful names
being called a fat bitch
i dont like to be hurtful names by my friends 

So much hurtfulness going on this month! Cut that right out. Stop bothering my people right now. I’ll get smacky, seriously. I’m not sure why you want to know ALL hurtful names. Do you want to know if you’re being called them? Or do you want to call people them? If it’s the former, aw, babe. If it’s the latter, we don’t like bullies here, so cut it out. No one likes to be called a fat bitch, and no one likes being called hurtful names by their friends. Boo boo BOO for hurtfulness.

Category the Tenth: A whole section just for Ken. It’s Kentabulous. 

“twitter” “goldblum” “psychopathy” -jeff data
dew on head euphemism
liebchen

Ooh, look, Ken! THREE SEARCH TERMS JUST FOR YOU! This is exciting. You’re always saying you want to play the search-term game. Now you can! Vicariously!

Someone’s looking for data on Jeff Goldblum. I’m going to hope this was you, Ken. And not Goldblum himself. I’m really getting worried about this situation. He’s totally coming for us. And since you’re farther away…I’m first. Gulp.

Someone wants to know what “dew on head” is a euphemism for. I…kind of have an idea, but it’s really naughty. So I’m going to just leave that one alone. Also, searcher, that’s a very bad euphemism. We have someone in CHARGE of euphemism here. You should give him someone better to work with, honestly. You’re wasting his talents.

And LOOK! GERMAN search terms! I gave you this one because you live there but I totally know that it means “little love.” See? I’m totally learning German, you can’t even say I’m not. Also, I’ve decided the day someone calls me “liebchen,” I’m going to marry that person. I know I come off all badass, but I’m a total sap. I’ll admit it. Because “liebchen” is ADORABLE.

All for you, Ken! Aren’t you so impressed? Thought so.

There we go! Our search terms for August! The last summer month of 2012! Very searchy, you all were. Hope that helped. Love all your faces. Keep on a’searchin’, I’ll keep on a’postin’.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches. 

Love, Me. 

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

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