Apparently, eBay grew up and its heart died.
eBay retooled its terms and conditions recently, and magic spells and potions are no longer going to be allowed to be sold. ZOMG, you guys. Where am I going to get my magic spells and potions now, if not on eBay? This is very disheartening. I can’t be expected to make these on my OWN, can I? I mean, come on. Where the hell will I get my eye of newt? That stuff doesn’t grow on TREES. It grows on NEWTS. And I don’t know where newts are. Where the hell am I going to find NEWTS?
Apparently, there’s no way to “verify or resolve” these transactions. Well, I’d think if you purchased a werewolf potion and didn’t turn into a werewolf after taking it, it’s your own damn fault for a., buying werewolf potion on eBay, and b., drinking something that could well be poison? But that’s just my thought. I’m a dirty non-believer, what can I say.
Let’s see what will soon no longer be available to us on eBay. Ready? This is totally very sad.
This one enlarges your breasts, which is nice. And it’s only $3.50! That’s so much cheaper than breast enhancement surgery. I can’t imagine people haven’t jumped on this.
It also says this, which is a little confusing: “This potion is for Enlarging your Breasts. 1 drop on you will do this. If someone is really bothering you NOT harassing you, See my harassment potion for this, Then you may place it on them. This Potion will help you do that. Really works well. The name says it all! The uses are endless. Just use your imagination.” I feel like maybe this was cut-and-pasted from somewhere else and not proofread, because the second half doesn’t fit the first half so much. What does harassment potion have to do with breast enlargement? I mean, you are totally harassed if you have big ol’ knockers, I mean, seriously, I can totally attest to that, but I feel like one of these things is not like the other, eBay lady.
I would show you the oddly-blurry photo of this potion but eBay doesn’t let me do that. It’s a blurry bottle with a little wee cork in it that could have anything from poison to urine in it, honestly.
This one changes your gender. It’s by the same person. He or she really has this circumventing-the-doctors thing down pat. Again, the verbiage is kind of the most awesome and confusing: “This potion is for Changing your Gender from Male to Female and vise versa. 1 drop on you. Must add a hair to the potion from you to activate this potion, Small amount try to get the root to if you can. It will attune to you personally. Must think of the gender you wish to be and become that gender. You cannot have any thoughts or feelings of your old gender or the spell will break. You must Become that gender in full. Will help with the transformation until it is complete. Must be possitive when using. Any deviation from my instructions will break the spell. Enjoy.”
Important points in this description:
- “vise” versa. Like it’s a construction project!
- You have to add a hair to the potion. DUDE THIS IS POLYJUICE POTION. Don’t think you’re fooling me! I know Polyjuice Potion when I see it.
- “Think of the gender you wish to be and become that gender.” Wow. That seems really quick and fancy. Could you switch back and forth? Huh. What would happen to your genitalia, becoming innies and outies like that? I would think they’d get whiplash.
- Never, ever, EVER think of your old gender. OR THE SPELL WILL BREAK. Shit, you need to go live on a commune with only ONE gender on it, and never read, watch television, watch movies, or think ever ever ever again. That’ll be easy as pie, right? Right.
Oddly, this photo looks just like the LAST photo. Or it would if I could show you, which I can’t, because eBay won’t let me gank it. This person couldn’t be using the same photos for all of his or her listings, could they? No no no. That couldn’t happen.
This is a magical demon-destroying potion. Shit, this’ll be helpful. And it’s only $51! A STEAL!
This is what you will experience once you drink this not-at-all-shady potion you bought from a complete stranger on the intertubes:
- Feelings of euphoria
- Deep peace and relaxation
- Sensations of energies moving and being released
- Releasing negative demonic pattern may cause some nausea but it will pass away
- Feeling of Freedom, like being awake for the first time in a long time
- Mind calms down and inner dialog relax more and more
- Warm sensation all over the body
- Cold sensations in specific places and some very mild shivers
- Falling in deep meditation and expanded awareness
- Feeling fully aware of the present moment
- Feeling a deeper connection with you inner being
- Seeing dream like nature scenes and visions
- Experiencing full spiritual vision of beings of Light
- Having deep realizations about yourself and thing that you should change
- Flashes of Intuition and deep knowing
Um. OK, most of these are things a person says when they get really into acid, like this guy I knew once. Or if they have a severe head trauma. Also, “very mild shivers.” Hee! I’ve met some people that give me very mild shivers. I think that’s a sign of badness to come so I usually excuse myself and take right the hell off before they lock me in their basement.
Earlier I was kidding about a werewolf transformation potion because everyone KNOWS that’s not how you turn into a werewolf. YOU HAVE TO GET BITTEN BY A WEREWOLF. But no! You can TOTALLY buy a potion that turns you into a werewolf! It’s only $37!

When you are a wolf, you can airguitar on top of a van. Michael J. Fox did it, so I know you can, too.
You get a lot of things with this kit, like REAL WOLF’S FUR and all you have to provide are easily-obtained items like A BLUE BOWL. (I totally have A BLUE BOWL. It’s all melty at the bottom because I microwaved chili in it once. I bet that’d be awesome for turning into a werewolf. A chili-loving werewolf.)
The person who is selling this is named “Indigo Raven Wolf” and you get his or her phone number for your $37 if you need help with your transformation. You know if you called that, you’d get like this bored housewife who’d be all, “Oh, who? Who are you looking for? Oh. OH! Yeah. Yeah, this is INDIGO RAVEN WOLF. Heh heh heh. How’s your TRANSFORMATION going?”
This one apparently gives you pulsating energy. WHOA PULSATING ENERGY. If that’s not a euphemism, I don’t know what is. Hey, baby, come check out my pulsating energy. Also? “This stunning piece VIBRATES with the power of Merlin and Excalibur! The spiritual charge of this offering will change your life forever! You will experience the unmatched power of Merlin the Great first hand! Do not miss out!”
It BOTH pulsates AND vibrates. Whoa. I think to get something that does both of those things, you usually pay more than $37, plus you have to purchase batteries, you know? What a steal. What a STEAL. A sexy, euphemistic steal.
Dear eBay. I don’t know where you expect me to go get potions now. This is sadface news altogether. I’m pretty sure the potion-makers of eBay are getting together to cast ALL THE SPELLS on you so I’d be cautious what I ate or drank in the next month or so, or you might be turned into a wolf. Just looking out for you guys, you know? You don’t want to find yourself PULSATING or VIBRATING without notice.
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:55 am
I’ve never bought anything from ebay. . . seems shady. People are selling things there. . . people are shady.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 12:50 pm
I’ve bought quite a few things from there – but real things. Never things that could go tragically wrong, like things you ingest. No thanks.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 12:00 pm
But does the boob enhancer work on werewolves?
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August 22nd, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Ooh – how sexy would THAT werewolf be? Utterly irresistible. Rawr. Literally.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Everyone knows werewolves prefer red bowls. What an amateur.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 12:49 pm
Probably that’s why eBay’s shutting this thing down. Spells will never work if they can’t get basic things like bowl-color right. Sheesh.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 1:19 pm
INTERTUBES! did you get that from the gender potion you drank?
take CARE! your dad will be FURIOUS!
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August 22nd, 2012 at 2:06 pm
I’ve said intertubes before, haven’t I? I like intertubes. Almost as much as interwebs.
Oh, Dad only trusts eBay for things like electronics and books. Not food items. NEVER FOOD ITEMS.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 3:10 pm
first time i have noticed it. great stuff, wordmonger!
i don’t use ebay. far too complicated and worrying. that’s what happens when you’re not a digital native, apparently.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 4:33 pm
It’s actually good for money-saving on some things – small electronics are the best things I’ve found. But you have to be really careful, check feedback, etc. It’s not for the faint of heart. (Paypal is great about getting your money back for you if you have a dispute, though.)
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August 22nd, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Well, shit… if I’d known I could enlarge my books with just one drop of a potion sold on eBay, I would have bought some before they changed the rules. Sheesh.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 1:59 pm
And yes, I’m all about enlarging my BOOKS.
Dammit.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Well, we all like large books. Dictionaries. Thick Stephen King novels. Everyone knows guys are super-attracted to a girl with large…books. :)
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August 22nd, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Amen to that.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 2:10 pm
No. Really.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Really for the books? Or for the word she meant to type instead of books?
You’re sciency – I’m going to guess both. :)
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August 22nd, 2012 at 11:43 pm
Well, I was actually thinking of books, but now that you mention it I’m quite fond of boobs as well.
*ponders* It must be one of those secondary sexual attributes or something: women have boobs, men don’t. Therefore boobs represent the difference between women and men. Therefore boobs will make men think of women in an opposite sex context. And from there it’s a small step to start thinking if sex with women. Hence boobs become a sexual symbol.
*ponders some more* It’s a cultural thing though, what attributes becomes sexually charged. In some cultures it’s boobs, in others it might be butts. But really, anything that highlights the difference between men and women will become a sexual attribute to some degree.
*frowns* I probably have been thinking about this way too much, haven’t I?
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August 23rd, 2012 at 9:35 am
Hee! Knew it. Books and boobs. Everyone’s favorites.
I don’t know if there’s “too much” to think about ladies. You’re a fella. In my experience, you guys think about us a lot. Which is nice. We like to be pondered upon. I mean, not in a creepy way or anything. But we like a nice pondering. (possibly a euphemism)
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August 24th, 2012 at 3:42 pm
JEW BOOBS!
Wait.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I.. I don’t really know what to say. I’m shocked. Shocked and appalled. Where will we get our pulsating vibrations from now? Where??!
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August 22nd, 2012 at 4:35 pm
It’s going to be tough. We’re either going to have to shop locally for our pulsing vibrations, or make our own. I’m nervous.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 8:44 pm
PolyJuice Poison?
I am offended.
That is all.
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August 22nd, 2012 at 8:53 pm
You’re only offended because you don’t know what it is. POTION, not POISON, goofball. It’s a Harry Potter thing.
You’re awake. That makes me sad. It’s too early in the wee hours for a Munichite to be awake. I made up Munichite just now. It’s a thing I just did.
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August 24th, 2012 at 5:59 am
Harry Potter, meh.
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August 24th, 2012 at 10:18 am
Harry Potter thinks YOU are meh. He told me. We chatted recently, and he was all, “That @lahikmajoe, he’s totally meh.”
Don’t worry, I stuck up for you.
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August 24th, 2012 at 3:43 pm
O.o
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August 24th, 2012 at 4:23 pm
He doesn’t like POPULAR books. They can’t be GOOD if they’re POPULAR.
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August 24th, 2012 at 3:44 pm
I can not believe that werewolf lady is STILL IN BUSINESS! I swear she was selling the same thing YEARS ago, and my dad and I laughed and laughed because 1. it was there. and 2. IT WAS SOLD OUT!
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August 24th, 2012 at 4:23 pm
Hee! She won’t be for long! Almost lights-out time for the werewolf lady, aw! How will she feed her CUBS, sj?
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