It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink

Apparently, eBay grew up and its heart died.

eBay retooled its terms and conditions recently, and magic spells and potions are no longer going to be allowed to be sold. ZOMG, you guys. Where am I going to get my magic spells and potions now, if not on eBay?  This is very disheartening. I can’t be expected to make these on my OWN, can I? I mean, come on. Where the hell will I get my eye of newt? That stuff doesn’t grow on TREES. It grows on NEWTS. And I don’t know where newts are. Where the hell am I going to find NEWTS?

Why you gotta be stealin’ my eyes, yo? I need those to SEE.

Apparently, there’s no way to “verify or resolve” these transactions. Well, I’d think if you purchased a werewolf potion and didn’t turn into a werewolf after taking it, it’s your own damn fault for a., buying werewolf potion on eBay, and b., drinking something that could well be poison? But that’s just my thought. I’m a dirty non-believer, what can I say.

Let’s see what will soon no longer be available to us on eBay. Ready? This is totally very sad.

This one enlarges your breasts, which is nice. And it’s only $3.50! That’s so much cheaper than breast enhancement surgery. I can’t imagine people haven’t jumped on this.

I must, I must, I must increase my bust.

It also says this, which is a little confusing: “This potion is for Enlarging your Breasts. 1 drop on you will do this. If someone is really bothering you NOT harassing you, See my harassment potion for this, Then you may place it on them.  This Potion will help you do that. Really works well. The name says it all!  The uses are endless. Just use your imagination.” I feel like maybe this was cut-and-pasted from somewhere else and not proofread, because the second half doesn’t fit the first half so much. What does harassment potion have to do with breast enlargement? I mean, you are totally harassed if you have big ol’ knockers, I mean, seriously, I can totally attest to that, but I feel like one of these things is not like the other, eBay lady.

I would show you the oddly-blurry photo of this potion but eBay doesn’t let me do that. It’s a blurry bottle with a little wee cork in it that could have anything from poison to urine in it, honestly.

This one changes your gender. It’s by the same person. He or she really has this circumventing-the-doctors thing down pat. Again, the verbiage is kind of the most awesome and confusing: “This potion is for Changing your Gender from Male to Female and vise versa. 1 drop on you. Must add a hair to the potion from you to activate this potion, Small amount try to get the root to if you can. It will attune to you personally. Must think of the gender you wish to be and become that gender. You cannot have any thoughts or feelings of your old gender or the spell will break. You must Become that gender in full. Will help with the transformation until it is complete. Must be possitive when using.  Any deviation from my instructions will break the spell. Enjoy.”

Important points in this description:

  • “vise” versa. Like it’s a construction project!
  • You have to add a hair to the potion. DUDE THIS IS POLYJUICE POTION. Don’t think you’re fooling me! I know Polyjuice Potion when I see it.

    Polyjuice Potion! You guys! This is a STEAL!

  • “Think of the gender you wish to be and become that gender.” Wow. That seems really quick and fancy. Could you switch back and forth? Huh. What would happen to your genitalia, becoming innies and outies like that? I would think they’d get whiplash.
  • Never, ever, EVER think of your old gender. OR THE SPELL WILL BREAK. Shit, you need to go live on a commune with only ONE gender on it, and never read, watch television, watch movies, or think ever ever ever again. That’ll be easy as pie, right? Right.

Oddly, this photo looks just like the LAST photo. Or it would if I could show you, which I can’t, because eBay won’t let me gank it. This person couldn’t be using the same photos for all of his or her listings, could they? No no no. That couldn’t happen.

This is a magical demon-destroying potion. Shit, this’ll be helpful. And it’s only $51! A STEAL!

Ooh! MYSTICAL! I think I saw those stickers at Michael’s once.

This is what you will experience once you drink this not-at-all-shady potion you bought from a complete stranger on the intertubes:

  • Feelings of euphoria
  • Deep peace and relaxation
  • Sensations of energies moving and being released
  • Releasing negative demonic pattern may cause some nausea but it will pass away
  • Feeling of Freedom, like being awake for the first time in a long time
  • Mind calms down and inner dialog relax more and more
  • Warm sensation all over the body
  • Cold sensations in specific places and some very mild shivers
  • Falling in deep meditation and expanded awareness
  • Feeling fully aware of the present moment
  • Feeling a deeper connection with you inner being
  • Seeing dream like nature scenes and visions
  • Experiencing full spiritual vision of beings of Light
  • Having deep realizations about yourself and thing that you should change
  • Flashes of Intuition and deep knowing

Um. OK, most of these are things a person says when they get really into acid, like this guy I knew once. Or if they have a severe head trauma. Also, “very mild shivers.” Hee! I’ve met some people that give me very mild shivers. I think that’s a sign of badness to come so I usually excuse myself and take right the hell off before they lock me in their basement.

Duuuuude. Did you take the demon potion again? The walls are MELTING.

Earlier I was kidding about a werewolf transformation potion because everyone KNOWS that’s not how you turn into a werewolf. YOU HAVE TO GET BITTEN BY A WEREWOLF. But no! You can TOTALLY buy a potion that turns you into a werewolf! It’s only $37!

When you are a wolf, you can airguitar on top of a van. Michael J. Fox did it, so I know you can, too.

You get a lot of things with this kit, like REAL WOLF’S FUR and all you have to provide are easily-obtained items like A BLUE BOWL. (I totally have A BLUE BOWL. It’s all melty at the bottom because I microwaved chili in it once. I bet that’d be awesome for turning into a werewolf. A chili-loving werewolf.)

The person who is selling this is named “Indigo Raven Wolf” and you get his or her phone number for your $37 if you need help with your transformation. You know if you called that, you’d get like this bored housewife who’d be all, “Oh, who? Who are you looking for? Oh. OH! Yeah. Yeah, this is INDIGO RAVEN WOLF. Heh heh heh. How’s your TRANSFORMATION going?”

This one apparently gives you pulsating energy. WHOA PULSATING ENERGY. If that’s not a euphemism, I don’t know what is. Hey, baby, come check out my pulsating energy. Also? “This stunning piece VIBRATES with the power of Merlin and Excalibur!  The spiritual charge of this offering will change your life forever!  You will experience the unmatched power of Merlin the Great first hand!  Do not miss out!”

I never said anything about pulsation or vibration. My stars and garters.

It BOTH pulsates AND vibrates. Whoa. I think to get something that does both of those things, you usually pay more than $37, plus you have to purchase batteries, you know? What a steal. What a STEAL. A sexy, euphemistic steal.

Dear eBay. I don’t know where you expect me to go get potions now. This is sadface news altogether. I’m pretty sure the potion-makers of eBay are getting together to cast ALL THE SPELLS on you so I’d be cautious what I ate or drank in the next month or so, or you might be turned into a wolf. Just looking out for you guys, you know? You don’t want to find yourself PULSATING or VIBRATING without notice.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

29 responses to “It smelled like turpentine, it looked like Indian ink

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