It’s been a long ol’ day, interwebs. And it’s getting later and later and I’m all, what should I post about TODAY? Or, well, your today, whatever day that is, I’m too tired to figure that out, honestly. SUCH A LONG DAY ZOMG. All the emotions. Every last one of them. I just kind of want to curl up in a ball and eat some cookie dough. How’d that be, ok? What do we think of that, yeah? No? Shit, ok.
Anyway, because he knows I’m exhausted, a certain not-overly-intelligent but SUPER-SQUISHY and SOFT fella said he’d write today’s post for me. I’m down with that. I like a good guest post, now and then. Who doesn’t?
So, just for all of his fans (and because I am lazy and one step away from curling up with that cookie dough and maybe some watery sighs of sadness):
ANOTHER GUEST POST
hI to you, interTubes. MoMMy sayz I cen wriet to you a poste on her bloge. I would liek to rite you anothere poste becauze I one time writed you a poste? And momyy sayed that peOple did so liek it much. That is NIEC. You are NIEC PEPLES.
Momyy is hoem a lot now. Do you know whyy? Becaeus I WISHDE for it! I am MAGICK catt!
I did not liek when Momyy used to leav early in the daeytime and then come hoem late, becaues I DUMBCATT woueld not see her fore many hours and I can not tell time with the clockes so it seemed liek seventey monthes everey day. BUT NOW! Moemmy is home ALL OF TEH Tiem! And I am aseleep aleways curled up on her legGS! And then it is MOST BESTESt! (Ed. note: Dumbcat, that is sweet. Lovely boy, could you use your magic powers to get me BACK into a job, so we don’t become homeless? You’d hate living in a car. Goofy furry fella.)
Mommey sayz that when she gettez a new job, we will get a new cat brothre or sistere for me. But noT NOW BECAUEZ MOM TEH KEYZ ARE BIG WHY BIG MOM MOMMYY MOMEY MOM. (Bub, stop stepping on the capslock with your big ol’ mitteny paws and you won’t get big letters when you don’t want them. I fixed it. Carry on.) We can not haev a new catt now becauz mOmmy saez we are poor and that is irrespnsbe. I don’t no what that menzz. Why is irrespnsble? I want a freend. We culd frolick and alsow play and if I got scired I culd hide with the pots and panz in the cubbird under the sink. But not in the sink becauze one time? I got stiky medicene in my furs, and Momyy had to put me in the sink of wetnezs to get off the pink medecines.
I was sadest and went meooew! Meouiow! But still Momy she goted me wet to get off the pink medecenes. I had to take pink medecines becausse I had a soer foot from when I was no one’s catt. I did not liek to be no one’s catt. At night, it was darke! And coeld. And no one gaev you pettings. And I was loenely. Momyy does not let me be loenly now! It is niec to be soemone’s catt.
Momy said irrespnsbe is when you get a new cat but you are unemployed so maybe you can not feede that cat. And it is oen step away frome beieng a hoaerder. I sayz M0MEE! We culd be on TEVEE! But Momee sayz, no, we doen’t want to be famouz for hordering catz. I aesked her what will we be famouz for? And she said, being aewsome. And saying ZOEMGEMG! (Sigh. ZOMG, babe. ZOMG. That’s a lot of “e”s in that, you know? And extraneous “mg”s.)
I liek to eat food. So it wood be sad if we got a cat but we cood not feede that cat food! That cat wood be hunegree. That is not niece to the new cat. Iresponsible means not haveing food for cats even if you loev cats. MOM does it meen that MOM MOM. (Um…kind of, my sweet fella. Kind of. Also, let’s just wait to know we can keep the apartment before we move someone else INTO the apartment, ok? Good boy.)
Momyy sayz now we shuld lok at aminal newz becuz I em an aminal. I sed ok but I will tell yew a seckrit. I am not an aminal! I am a DUMBCATT!
This is a storee about a cat naemed Mr. Bates. He was caught in a trapp. His leg had to be cut off him! This maeks me sad. Mr. Bates has found a person to adopte him even thogh he has theree legs. I have fore legs! And a lot of clawz. Mommyy wuld you love me if I had thuree legz? MOM MOM MOMEEE MOM. Wuld you MOME MOM. (Yes, yes, of course I would, please don’t go hopping into traps to test that theory, bub.) Mr. Bates is named after a tevee show we don not watch named Downton Abbee. MOMEE why we do not watch that show adn we watch showz about people in rehab? MOMMEE. (Are you judging what shows I watch? You are a CAT. You lick your own BUM. You poo in a box filled with CLAY PIECES.) The morel of this storee is do not step in trapz if you are a cat or a aminal.
This is a storee about a new show called My Cat From Hell. MOM! A naughyt WURD! Do you SEE a bad wurd is tehre! (Yes, furry boy, I see it. Sometimes grownup people say naughty words. I know. It’s awful. It’ll be ok. I promise. I won’t put you in a timeout for it.) You can audishun for this show and bee on teevee! MOM CAN WE BEE ON TEEVEE? MOM MOME MOMME! (Nope. Because it’s like The Dog Whisperer, only for cats, and the douchecanoe’s name who thinks he can talk to cats’ name is Jackson Galaxy, and he thinks he learned to talk to talk to cats after “working in an animal shelter.” Well, I worked in an animal shelter, too. And I don’t think I can talk to cats. I eff around blogwise, but I’m pretty grounded, and don’t plan on renaming myself Amy Asteroid or something ridiculous. GAH. Also, LOOK AT HIS AFFECTED FACIAL HAIR.)
Momee I em taelking ZOEGM. (Sigh.) This show is abouet bad catts. I am not a bad catt! I oenly knokc oever things elevnty tiems a day. And soemtimes waek Moemmy up with meowes but becauz I LOVE YOU MOEMY! We can not be on this showe becuz I am not a catt from the badd wurd place. I em a goood catt with many purrz in me and soft fur like a bunnycat and one time I licked moMMe’s head to groom her but then I bited her. I AM SOREE MOMEE. I do not meen to biet your head! It is for love of you. Plus yore hair taested like shampo. Grosse, momyy.
Moemmy says it is tiem for bed and it is niec weahter out so she can oepen the windoz and I liek that becuz i Sit in them and smell the air. I say good nights to you but momee says to tell you that it is not nite to you there it is DAYTimES. Happy daytimes to you but nigte to Dumbcatt! I will blog agane for you if you liek me but if you do not like me I will say moew meOw! and be sad in the pots and pans cubbord.
L0vE Dumbcatt ZOMGGZ!