Dad’s Rule #479: Don’t Steal From Assassins.

Random crap? Yep. This is, what, Monday in the real world? In Amyland this is Saturday night and it was a loo-hoooooo-hong day of work, and I am sleepy and want to finish this up and maybe watch some TV and hit the hay. Lots of people called out of work today so we were ultra-busy with calls and people were kooky. Is it a full moon? No, wait, no, it can’t be, because I remember, Ken JUST blogged about the full moon. Like, last week or something. Full moons don’t happen two weeks in a row, we’re not on Jupiter or whatever planet with like a billion moons.

I guess there aren’t a billion. But aren’t these pretty?

So people were just kooky for the hell of being kooky. Someday I want to tell you all about some of the calls we get over there, but I’m pretty sure that’s some sort of violation of a billion laws. Also, I’d feel terrible if I was a crazy person and I called an answering service and I left a message all crazy-style and then someone blogged about my personal business on the internet. I know someone who will remain nameless but who is UNTRUSTWORTHY who works in the medical field? And who tells people her patients’ PERSONAL MEDICAL INFORMATION. I’m not even making this up. Because I was there and heard it happen once. She was GOSSIPING about one of her PATIENTS and what MEDICATION she was on. And seriously, doesn’t that violate HIPAA laws or something? I mean, when you’re at the pharmacy, they make you stand like 200 feet away from the desk or something when someone else is getting their prescription so you don’t violate HIPAA laws, so I’m pretty sure saying “Myrtle McGurk is taking Oxycontin for uterine cramping, CAN YOU IMAGINE ZOMG SO SHOCKING?” over coffee and danish is probably in violation of like 47 HIPAA laws, and also some laws of propriety and maybe some laws of good taste.

Psst, did you hear about…SHUT UP SHUT UP HIPAA VIOLATOR!

OK, so let’s see. RANDOM CRAP!

Today was a very auspicious day in Nephew-land, because THE NEPHEW CAUGHT A FISH. I know! His first real fish! Aw, my little buddy! He went fishing with his dad, and he caught his first fish! He apparently reeled it in about 3/4 of the way and then got distracted by something shiny and had his dad finish that for him, but I count that as a total win, Nephew-wise. It was apparently very small, so although The Nephew wanted to cook it and eat it for dinner, his dad said, “No, The Son, we’ve got to throw this one back, it misses its mom,” and then The Nephew was all “Aw! It misses its mommy!” and then they threw it back and then The Nephew played in the river rather than fished the rest of the afternoon because if you are Amy’s Nephew and you are full of joie de vivre, you like to play in a pretty shiny river full of rocks and fun. I want to play in the river with The Nephew, aw! My dad told me that my brother took photos of The Nephew and his fish, but wasn’t able to send them to me. “He doesn’t use email, so he can only send them to other phones,” my dad said. “Um, Dad, he knows I have a phone, right?” I said. “Oh, yeah, I guess I didn’t think of that,” my dad said. (My brother and I don’t talk much. We’re not fighting, per se. We just aren’t chatty. Mostly because, think of the opposite of Amy, and you have my brother, so it’s a little tough to find common ground. Also, he hates technology. Because, remember? You all have one hand, or are rapists.)

According to my dad, this is the kind of fish The Nephew caught. (And this might be the actual size of it, too.)

So I guess we will not see photos of The Nephew with his little bebeh fish. That’s a shame. I think that would be an excellent photo.

In news of proudness and good things, I finished Cara’s book, Elegantly Wasted, this past week, and it was wonderful.

If you would like to see what I thought, you can pop on over to her Goodreads page and read my review. Then you can add it on Goodreads. And you can buy it, and read it, and I think you’ll love it. It’s pretty kickass, you guys. I mean, not that you’d expect less from Cara, of course. So go check it out and then read it, yeah? I enjoyed myself so much. And I can’t wait until the next installment. You know, if you’d told me a year ago I’d not only KNOW authors, I’d BE an author, I’d laugh in your face twice. RIGHT IN YOUR FACE TWICE. Isn’t the internet the best?

In book news, I sent my parents each copies of my book this past week. Signed and everything! Totally going to be worth a billion dollars someday. Here is what my parents thought about my book.

Mom: I read the whole thing. Whenever you used that nasty eff word I pretended you didn’t and I read past it really quickly. I don’t like poetry because I don’t understand it and there were a lot of poems I didn’t understand but I guess poetry is ok because it can always mean different things to different people. A lot of it was very sad. I liked the one about The Grandson. Green is my favorite color so I like the cover.

(Dad gets a conversation; it’s too good not to.)

Dad: So I opened this package you sent to your mother even though it was for your mother.
Me: What? No it wasn’t. It was for you AND mom. Both of your names are on it!
Dad: Her name was first. That’s rude to your poor father.
Me: Ugh, DAD. Did you see it did you see it? Isn’t it BEAUTIFUL?
Dad: It’s very pretty. Also shiny. I don’t want to open it.
Me: Well, if you’re going to read it, you have to open it.
Dad: Oh, I’m not going to READ it.
Me: Um. Okay…
Dad: I don’t want to read poetry. It has too many words in it.
Me: It actually has less words in it than fiction, if you look at it objectively.
Dad: No. Too many words. Too confusing.
Me: You have to at least open it to see where I signed it.
Dad: Is this the photo the assassin took for the cover?


Me: Yes, do you like it?
Dad: Does it say somewhere in here that he took this photo?
Me: Of course it does.
Dad: Good. You’d better make sure that assassin gets credit for this photo. Don’t steal from assassins. They’ll shoot your face off.
Me: He gets credit. Three times, I think.
Dad: Wait, THREE times? That’s a lot.
Me: Man, you’re fussy. I’d give him credit 47 billion times if I could, you know that.
Dad: I know you would. It was nice of the assassin to give you a picture.
Me: Yes, it was. He’s a good assassin.
Dad: Yeah, he’s alright. Don’t you tell him I said so, though.
Me: Oh, no. Wouldn’t want the assassin to know you’re cool with him. He might show up for dinner.
Dad: That assassin is not invited over for dinner. Hey. I just looked where you signed it. I want to be buried with this.
Me: No, I told you. I hate when people have garbage in their coffins. Nothing in your coffin. We’re not hillbillies.
Dad: What if we put it under my body? Then no one would see it.
Me: No. It’d make you uncomfortable in your eternal rest.

It’s very hard to have a comfortable afterlife if your coffin is filled with garbage and knickknacks.

Dad: Nah. It’s not a very thick book.
Me: Even if you don’t read it, you have to go to the back. I thank you in the special thanks section.
Dad: ME? Oh, of course you did. I’m very inspirational. WAIT A MINUTE.
Me: What?
Dad: You thanked your FAMILY. This isn’t ME.
Me: You’re not my family? Is there something you’re not telling me? I’m adopted. I KNEW IT.
Dad: You should have said, “Special thanks to my Dad, because he is the most inspirational of poetry.”
Me: Man, you are picky. I couldn’t thank EVERYONE individually. That would have been like a fifty-page thanks page.
Dad: I AM YOUR ONLY FATHER.
Me: And I thanked you! Under “family!”
Dad: I am so hurt right now.
Me: Do you want to pretend there’s a typo and “family” really means “father?”
Dad: Yes. Yes, I do.
Me: Oh, man. Dad! There’s a TYPO! It should say “father” on the special thanks page, not “family!”
Dad: Better. Of course it should. I’m not AS hurt right now.
Me: That’s as much as you’re going to read, isn’t it?
Dad: No. I also looked in the middle of it to make sure the pages weren’t blank, like a trick book? But now I’m done.

A trick! A TRICK BOOK! (I assure you all it’s not a trick book. There are words in it! On all the pages!)

Me: Thanks for reading, Dad! You’re very inspirational!
Dad: I know. I really am.

I was thinking today, my poor dad. Well, my mom, too. But mostly my dad. I can’t imagine he ever knew what to make of me. (He still mostly doesn’t.) My mom, either, but at least my mom likes plays and literature. My dad had never been to a play in his life before I started acting. He’d probably read only the books he was assigned in high school, before I came along. (And Louis L’Amour novels. He really used to dig those.) My dad’s a good old country boy. He likes beer and hunting and voting for the Republicans and watching Fox News.

Then he had a kooky, artsy, loudmouth daughter. And – HORRORS – she turned out to be a LIBERAL. A dirty hippie artsy liberal!

I’m pretty sure this is what dad imagines my friends and I do when we get together. He’s right, except also we check our cell phones a lot.

Some parents would have been all weirded out by this. Some would have probably turned up their nose, or been all “ugh, why are you doing THAT” or ignored it or something. Not my dad. He may not have understood what I was into, or what I was doing? But he was the most supportive of it as he could be. He hated plays, but he came to EVERY SINGLE ONE. He didn’t understand what I was writing, but he always told me I was the best at it and told me that someday I’d be a very famous writer. He’s still pissed about the liberal thing, though. And he doesn’t trust any guy I’ve ever been into, because it’s ok for his DAUGHTER to be a hippie theatery writer, but MEN don’t do things like that, no no no Charlie!

UNTRUSTWORTHY! (Dad doesn’t approve of men with long hair. He thinks it means they have bombs in their garage.)

That’s kind of fantastic, don’t you think? Think about it. That’d be like if I had a kid, and that kid was my exact opposite in every way – and I was still completely the most supportive of that kid, even if I didn’t understand the things he or she was into. Like, if I had a kid and he or she decided their thing was, shit, I don’t know, um…air conditioner repair, or career military, or something I have absolutely no knowledge of at all. And yet I still told that kid how awesome he or she was doing, and how proud I was of them, every single day. That’s really kind of a fantastic thing. When you’re a kid, you kind of take it for granted, but as an adult, the same age as your father was when this was all happening, almost, when you were a teenager just realizing that you were really, really, REALLY into writing and theater and reading and artsy-fartsy crap even though NO ONE around you was? You realize, huh. I was one hell of a lucky girl.

The last thing he said to me the other night when we were talking about my book?

“When’s the next one coming out? I think it should be a real book. You have a lot of stories in your head, you know. More than ANYONE. You tell ALL the stories. Write those down, you could be a millionaire in like a YEAR. Like that weird Stephen King guy you like so much.”

Heh. Thanks, Dad. I’ll look into writing that “real” book, one of these days. Love you, too.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

24 responses to “Dad’s Rule #479: Don’t Steal From Assassins.

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    If nothing else, I’m sure it’s in violation of the law of a good danish. They are for eating – not gossiping over!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      What? You’ve never gossiped over a good danish and coffee? Well, you just wait til you come visit me. We’ll have an epic coffee and danish gossip session. You’ll change your mind about the many uses of danish then.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I so don’t have bombs in my garage! Come to think of it, I don’t even have a garage. So there!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee, I totally thought of you and Ken when I wrote that. I don’t know that Dad knows that either of you are the longhaired hippie types. I don’t think I’ll tell him. It wouldn’t end well.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    And you totally would. Be a millionaire, I mean. Have at it and you’ll see!

    Like

  • Cara V. (@fictionalchick)

    You should consider writing a humorous self help book by just referring (and answering) to “Yahoo Questions” lol Thanks for the shout out and super awesome review of EW!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! That’s actually been an idea I’ve had in my head, some sort of humorous self-help book – people ask a LOT of stupid questions in the world! (I mean…um…REALLY GOOD QUESTIONS! Way to alienate my audience! Heh.)

      You’re welcome! Thank you for the great read!

      Like

  • Alison

    I love it when you write about The Nephew because you love him so much.

    And I think it’s awesome that your dad is supportive even though you are his opposite…and that you have the perspective to realize he IS being supportive when he tells you the next one will be a real book!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw! Thanks! Yeah, The Nephew is the best. He’s easy to be happy about. He’s a ray of sunshine!

      Oh, I don’t get too upset about Dad. He means well, even when he says silly things like “real book.” :)

      Like

  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    I also think it is the most adorable that your dad wants to be buried with your book, even if he doesn’t understand poetry and is voting for a dude who would happily see gay people be dead. One of the reasons I really like your blog, actually, is because of the way you write about your dad. As a big lefty bleeding-heart myself, it’s really easy for me to pigeonhole anyone right of center as being a cold-hearted bigot, blah blah blah, which is a totally close-minded and useless point of view for me to have but remains tempting nonetheless. So when you talk about your dad and how much he loves you and the fact that you also love HIM, it reminds me that Shit Is Complicated and I need to not be narrow-minded and label-y and that it’s important to remember that people are actually still people and not stupid idiots just because I happen to Very Strongly Disagree with them.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Shit IS complicated. Growing up where I did around people with the political leanings that I did made it a lot easier for me to not hate people with opposite political views than I have (I still disagree with them, heartily, but I can’t hate them, because I know them as people and I love them.) Strangely, it does not stop them from hating me. (Not my dad, of course. Other people from my neck of the woods, once they find out my political leanings.) But let ’em hate all they want. I don’t hate them. I don’t understand their beliefs, but I’ve spent my whole life being the odd man out, belief-wise, so I’m used to that from people from my home-area by now. I just let it roll off. (And then come home to the state capital, where almost all of us are liberal, and where I can breathe again.)

      Like

  • jbrown3079

    Andreas is right about writing a book. Honestly, you could make a Kindle single just using some of your posts from here. Or a for real book of essays.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ve thought about that – but most of the people who’d buy anything I wrote read me, and I don’t think they’d want a book of things they already read. So I’d have to write a lot of new stuff, too. Which is tough when I’m already writing a new post daily. I need a lot more time. And a lot more ideas about what to write about.

      Like

  • sj

    Ugh, so I had this open yesterday when you posted it, then started reading, but my browser froze so I shut the laptop down and forgot to come back to it when I booted back up.

    I’m sorry it took me almost 24 hours to read this post, Amy. :(

    You know how much I love the conversations with your dad. He reminds me a lot of my dad (except my dad is a little less shouty and thinks ALL news is full of shit).

    Anyway, were you to write a “real” book like “that weird Stephen King guy” I would totally read it and I’m sure I would love it too.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I forgive you with much love.

      That weird old Stephen King guy. When I was a kid, I tried to write a book like that weird Stephen King guy. It was about a group of kids who had to fight a monster that lived under their town. It was NOTHING AT ALL LIKE “IT.” Heh. Except totally exactly like “It.” And starred whatever kids at school I liked at the time, and killed off the people I didn’t like at the time. It was QUITE EPIC. And possibly a little psychotic, looking back on it.

      Dad and I don’t have many long conversations lately! I miss them. Mostly we have to censor. That’s what happens when election season starts looming. There’s too much screaming if we say what we’re really thinking.

      Like

  • lgalaviz

    I want a dad like yours. Are you guys taking anyone in for adoption?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ll ask the next time we chat. I’m going to guess it’s unlikely, only because he doesn’t handle change well. Recently, the cable company changed their cable guide, and he spent three days on the phone yelling at their customer service people to put it back the way it was, because IT WAS CONFUSING. Ultimately, they did not, and now he just glares at it glarefully. As if it is a personal affront.

      Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    And I will chime in with the chorus of “write another book” – ‘real’ or not! ;-)

    I think it’s great that your Dad just matter-of-factly assumes you CAN write another book! And I think he’s right. I hope you keep pondering this and that some day it comes to fruition. And, if you are interested, there is a thing called National Novel Writing Month – nanowrimo – where they have a web site and help to get you actually WRITING your book – it doesn’t have to be a novel. It’s in November. Even if you don’t do it during that month, there is helpful information for Just Writing. (Of course, you already know about Writing Every Day, so maybe it wouldn’t be that helpful for you. ;-)

    Oh – and your book should arrive in my hot little hands sometime this week! YAY! I am going to my church camp reunion with my sister this weekend, which is on a lovely lake in Montana, and I think it will be the perfect location for reading your poems!! :-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I know about NaNoWriMo, it’s just not for me – I don’t like deadlines like that. I think it’s a great idea for those who can work like that, and I truly admire people who can write a novel in a month – I just know I could never do that.

      I hope you enjoy the book! Thank you for buying it!

      Like

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