I’ve been (as you can obviously tell) watching a lot of television lately. That’s what you do when you’re job-searching. You job-search, and also you watch television. Sometimes you get off the couch, but not as often as you’d think. Like, today, I had a whole PLAN to get off the couch, and do laundry, but it is POURING. So now I’m waiting for that to stop. I might still get off the couch. Or I might not. It is up to YOU, weather. UP TO YOU. (I can hear you. AMY! It isn’t RAINING today! Well, I’m writing this in ADVANCE. I can assure you it’s raining as I write this. And has been. Since I woke up this morning. ALL THE RAIN. Not that I’m complaining. We need this rain. It’s been so dry!)
So I watch a lot of things, and a lot of those things are reality shows. Not ALL the reality shows. Some of them annoy me so I won’t watch them. And most of the reality shows I’m watching are OLD. Because I’m catching up on old programming in order to be caught up for this season. Mostly, what I have realized from the reality shows that I watch is that I AM VERY UNTALENTED. And: I WOULD BE TERRIBLE ON ALL OF THESE SHOWS. So mostly they just give me a loser inferiority complex.
Let’s look at some reality shows I watch and see why I’d fail at them, miserably. (ALSO, for those of you who don’t know what these shows are about because you don’t watch television or live in another country, I will let you know what they’re about. I’m a giver. I totally am.)
The Amazing Race
(Synopsis: teams of two travel around the world racing to “finish lines” in different countries. Whatever team gets to the final finish line first wins a million dollars. Whatever team comes in last in each leg gets kicked off. Sometimes people have meltdowns, lose their passports, or have to do wacky tasks like shave their heads.)
I’m totally caught up on this one. Because I love it so. Also, my mom and sj both love it, so I get to discuss it with them on a weekly basis, and I love that.
I would fail on The Amazing Race for a MILLION reasons. I’m completely unathletic; I can’t drive a stick shift (well, I haven’t driven a stick shift in about ten years, anyway – I suppose I could pick it back up, if I needed to? Maybe? I was never very good at it to begin with – there was a LOT of gear-grinding and rolling-backward-on-hills for this girl); I can’t swim; I don’t like being filthy; I don’t like eating weird foreign foods in large quantities (I like a lot of the things they make you eat, like ALL THE SCHNITZEL! but there’s SO MUCH OF IT. Like a POUND of schnitzel. I couldn’t do that. Gack); I can’t think of anyone I’d want to ruin my friendship with SO COMPLETELY that I’d saddle myself to them for – how long do these things last, like two months or something? I mean, I have a lot of people I’d like to travel with…but no one I’d like to Amazing Race with. Because when we were done, I’d have annoyed them so thoroughly we wouldn’t be friends anymore. I’m quite sure of it. I love to WATCH The Amazing Race. Sure I do. Because I get to see all the foreign locales! I do NOT like when the contestants are RUDE in the foreign locales because that makes me sad. DO NOT BE UGLY AMERICANS, CONTESTANTS! That makes me hide my face behind my hands!
Odds I would win this program: .0001/100 (I suppose every other team might get food poisoning or Phil might start murdering people or something)
(Synopsis: a bunch of chefs compete in cooking-based competitions. The worst chef gets kicked off every week. The best chef wins money, immunity, or random things like cookware or cars every week. In the finale, three chefs compete against each other for a big prize. I think it’s probably $500,000 but it’s really just a guess. I don’t pay that much attention. I just like looking at the food. Nom. Oh, also, the contestants all have to live together in a house, which I would imagine would be a nightmare.)
I’m – I don’t know where I am in this one. I think I’m like a season behind or something. It’s not like it matters all that much, really. If you miss a season, it’s not like you won’t know what’s going on.
Again, I would not win this. Why? Well, it’s not like I CAN’T cook. I can! I’m actually not bad at it at all. I mean, I feed myself on a regular basis, and I don’t think I have scurvy or anything. I can follow a recipe like nobody’s business. The food even looks like it does in the photos when I’m done. And I can cobble together food from the crap in my pantry and it tastes delicious (even when it looks icky – you know, those days when you need to go grocery shopping, but you just don’t wanna? And you kind of put together a bunch of things that just shouldn’t go, and they’re SO GOOD? I’m good at that.) But put me in a competitive atmosphere where I have to come up with foods on the FLY and make the food PRETTY and I’m under the GUN and know things about food like what the flavor profile of a lychee is, or something? Oh, no, I’d fail that. And you know how they always have to do that blind taste test? I could NEVER pass that. I’d be the worst at that. I’d be all “that’s a bamboo shoot!” and it’d be pears or something. Terrible. Just terrible.
(The same goes for any reality cooking show, really – Hell’s Kitchen, Food Network Star, all of those. The time constraints and people yelling at me and other contestant’s mind-games would make me nervous and I’d have some sort of camera-friendly breakdown. It’d be very embarrassing but ratings would shoot through the ROOF.)
Odds I would win this (or any cooking-related) program: .0002/100 (slightly better than The Amazing Race, because at least athletics aren’t included, but not much better; I mean, I wouldn’t kill you if you came over for dinner, but I’m not winning any Michelin stars, either)
(Synopsis: a bunch of people have to “survive” on a desert island and also play mind-games and do stupid tasks like stand on a small piece of wood in the ocean for as long as they can and every week someone gets voted out and whoever “survives” the longest wins a million dollars but it’s less about “surviving” and more about “lying to people and pretending to be their friends so they vote for you at tribal council.” Also Jeff Probst is the host, and my dad thinks he should be Guantanamoed.)
I don’t watch this anymore, but I used to. Dad still does. Even though he HATES Jeff Probst. Hates hates HATES. I’ll ask him about Survivor and he’ll be all “PROBST!” in a fist-shakey voice.
I could never win Survivor. Again, not athletic. Can’t play the needed mind-games. Hate camping. Look terrible in beachwear. Can’t swim. My fire would be snuffed almost immediately. It would be embarrassing.
Odds I would win this program: .00001/100 (remember one year that guy fell in the fire? I guess there’s a slight chance ALL the other contestants might fall in the fire, therefore rendering me the winner by default)
(Synopsis: a bunch of beginning designers compete against each other in design challenges like “make clothing out of candy” or “design an outfit for a mother and daughter team” and the worst one goes home every week and the best one gets money or immunity or a car or a photo shoot. The final three – sometimes four – go on to fashion week and then the winner gets money and a car and all kinds of goodies to start their own line. Also there’s lots of drama and Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum and I like her because she is beautiful and has a kicky accent.)
Again, I’m all behind on this show. I’m watching the current season and also watching the All-Stars season even though I know who won it (because I love the winner and want to see him take home the win.) I kind of love this show. Like, a lot. I love to see the creative process. But, as for me COMPETING on this show? Ha. Ha ha HA. I couldn’t design clothing if you paid me a kajillion dollars. I don’t know what looks good and what doesn’t. When they have the runway competition at the end of every episode? I always pick what I think is prettiest, and invariably it’s one of the lowest-ranked designs. I’m just in awe that they made CLOTHING. That people can WEAR. In a DAY. That is just the coolest thing! Clothing! The drama kind of drives me insane, though. I like when someone’s awesome, though. Remember the time Santino used his Tim Gunn voice and was all, “What happened to Andre?” and then made up a whole scenario about how Tim and Andre were dating and having squabbles at the Red Lobster? I laughed so hard I ached and had tears. BEST BEST BEST.
Odds I would win this program: 0. There aren’t even odds. I couldn’t even compete. I can’t sew. I don’t know how to use a sewing machine and my handsewing skills are nonexistent. I can’t even mend things correctly. No, thanks, show, I’ll just be an ardent viewer. What happened to Andre? I’m so embarrassed about how you acted in front of my friends at the Red Lobster, Andre.
Work of Art
(Same as Project Runway, except replace “design challenges” with “fine art challenges.” And they have shows in galleries, not a runway. I think I might be the only person watching this show.)
I really like this show. Is this coming back this season? Watching people create art makes me smile and makes me excited and I love art the most. But YET AGAIN, I couldn’t compete. (However, if there’s anything I’ve learned from this show, it’s that artists are a., batshit crazy, and b., as emotional as all hell. They cry. A LOT. And there’s a lot of yelling and stomping. Sometimes throwing.) I took some art classes in high school and I was beyond mediocre as an artist. I just don’t have that kind of eye. I would get one of these challenges where they’d be like, “here are parts of a couch MAKE SOME ART!” and I’d be like, “um…I don’t…I’m going to the bathroom to weep now, sorry” and I’d never come back.
Odds I would win this program: .00001/100 (again, the other contestants might all die in industrial die-punch accidents or something, what do I know.)
(Synopsis: a bunch of people sing a lot and the “best” one wins a recording contract but it’s never really the best one, it’s the one that MERKA votes for, and MERKA always makes the worst mistakes. Screw that, Merka. I’m not watching this anymore. I’m taking my ball and I’m going home.)
I don’t watch this anymore because the wrong person won one season and ever since I’ve been crankity. I also don’t watch any of the other singing shows, like The Voice, or whatever the hell else is on that’s all singy. Don’t care. Could I win? Excuse me while I laugh myself into a hernia. I can’t sing. Not at all. I think I’m tone-deaf. I can’t carry a tune to save my life. I know when one of these people on one of these songs hits a bad note, but not when I do. I can’t hear myself correctly. So probably I’m broken. Also I have one setting – ultra-loud – and those judges would say rude weird things to me like “You pitchy, dawg.”
Odds I would win this program: .000000000001/100 (the other contestants might all die, but I’m fairly sure if they heard me sing once, they’d truck in a whole new set of alternates. I’m that bad.)
(Synopsis: A wife leaves her family and swaps with ANOTHER wife in ANOTHER city and they live each other’s lives for a week. And it’s all drama-filled. No, they don’t have sex with the other husband, come on, it’s on primetime. It’s not on CINEMAX. Many life-lessons are learned. MANY MANY.)
I’ve only watched this about 5 times but my old roommate used to laugh at me because this show is like my crack. It’d come on and I could NOT turn it off. It sucked me into a bad-television-show BLACK HOLE when it came on. She’d leave the room and come back and be like, “AMY! You HATE this! WHY IS IT STILL ON?” and I’d be like “I DON’T KNOW! IT HAS SUCKED MY ABILITY TO STOP WATCHING IT!”
I obviously couldn’t compete on Wife Swap. I do not have a wife, nor am I a wife. Nor am I something weird, like a beauty pageant mom, or an inbred redneck, or a gun nut, or a health-food freak. You have to be some breed of fanatic to be a contestant (or participant? Whatever they are) on Wife Swap. There’s never a NORMAL family. Because what kind of swap would that be? Boring. No one would watch that shit. Wife Swap producers like to swap a devil worshiper family with a ultra-Christian family, or something. DRAMA ZOMG!
Odds I would win this program: well, if I was a wife, I would totally win it, because obviously I would be the BEST wife, but as-is, 0, because what would the wife swap WITH? Dumbcat? She’d come here for a week and tend to Dumbcat? Hee, best swap ever.
(Synopsis: the boss of a big company, like Hooters or NASCAR or something, dresses up in DISGUISE and pretends to be a new hire to the company. Then he or she asks a billion questions and the employees for some reason tell the new employee all these personal sob-stories and then the boss REVEALS who he is and then gives the good employees money and vacations and raises and cars and the naughty ones get beheaded. Sorry. Fired. They get fired.)
Again, I’ve only seen this about 4 times. My dad LURVES this show. He watches it every time. Except for some reason not when it was the NASCAR episode because he’s having some sort of feud with the NASCAR people? Not the DRIVERS, he wants to make it VERY CLEAR that it is NOT THE DRIVERS, but the owners did…um…something? One time? That he took offense to? So he didn’t watch that one. Anyway, he loves that show so much.
I obviously am not a boss, so couldn’t go undercover. And from watching the show, I think they wouldn’t use my footage. The footage they use is employees who tell their ENTIRE LIFE STORY to a new employee. It AMAZES me. Who does that? To a stranger? Tells them, “Yeah, my husband’s an alcoholic and my mother committed suicide in 2002 and my cat is diabetic” and then the boss gives you $20,000 and a vacation? Do they know the employee is really a SUPER SECRET BOSS? Because the undercover boss often acts really weird. I’d be suspicious if a new employee showed up and started asking a lot of personal questions about my life and cameras were following him or her around. Also, in one episode I watched, the boss was a lady wearing a wig and that wig was SO CROOKED. It was driving me LOONEY.
Odds I would win this show: .00000000001/100. I’d never tell a new employee personal things about my life. It’s none of their damn business.
So, as you can see, I could not win ANY reality show. Not any! However will I make my millions? This is very disheartening. Is there a petting-Dumbcat-reality show? Dumbcat says to tell you I’d win that. Aw, buddy. Thanks.