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Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

I’m all out of words today. I have a headache and I think I’m coming down with something which seems unlikely as  I don’t often leave the house, so where would I catch it? From Dumbcat? Probably cat scratch fever, then? Thanks a lot, Dumbcat. ZOMG, I just looked up the symptoms of cat scratch fever and headache and fatigue are TOTALLY SYMPTOMS. As is MALAISE. I have all the malaise! All of it! Oh, this is bad news. Or, wait, no, it isn’t, it just goes away on its own and I’ll be FINE. Well, I bet I have the WORST case of cat scratch fever EVER. That will probably KILL me. That’s just like this cat scratch fever to be the most deadly thing ever. JUST LIKE IT.

Listen, I was GOING to put in a real picture of cat scratch fever but YOWZA those photos were gross. This one’s pretty gross, too. but at least not swollen and inflamed.

Well, I suppose I’d better write SOMETHING before I succumb to this very deadly cat scratch fever. I mean, who knows if this will be my last ever post before you all hear that I’ve died and you’ll be donating to one of my favorite charities or possibly to Victims of Cat Scratch Fever, which would be VCSF and not a very good or memorable acronym for a charity of people like ME who have died of CAT SCRATCH FEVER.

Dumbcat would like you all to know he does not think he has cat scratch fever, and he feels fine, but I’m pretty sure that’s what victims of cat scratch fever all say. Or those who are TRANSMITTING cat scratch fever to their supposedly beloved owners. But, FINE DUMBCAT, I will go on WebMD and put in my symptoms and see what it says is wrong with me. I bet WebMD says I have cancer.

WedMD said I had 99 possible diseases, and a bitch ain’t one (but one of which *was* TOTALLY cat scratch fever) but also I could have post-partum depression (I’m depressed just thinking about that, because if I have that, WHERE IS MY BABY?), brain aneurysm, typhoid fever, or cocaine withdrawal. As you can see, I’m most likely dying and have only days, NAY MOMENTS, left to live. (Also, I was doing cocaine? Man, did I enjoy myself? I can’t imagine I did. Cocaine always scared the beejeebers out of me. I think we can all agree I don’t need a drug that makes me speedier.)

Heh! That dastardly typhoid fever. Leave them kids alone.

Because I am dying, I should probably leave you with some cheerful things to remember me by, right? I mean, that’s important.

Here are Anzac and Peggy, and they are the best of interspecies friends.

Aw, you GUYS! Even though I am DYING I can appreciate the cuteness of this magnitude! Look look look! A joey and a wee wombat! They have been sharing a pouch because they are both ORPHANS. Aw! This is like the beginning of every Disney movie ever. This is like the Fox and the Hound! Only it’s the kangaroo and the wombat! Also, apparently they get along very well because they have similar personalities: Anzac the kangaroo is “very social” and Peggy the wombat is “boisterous and cheeky.” Aw! CHEEKY! Cheeky is my favorite!

Here is what Peggy will grow up into. ZOMG, why didn’t you people tell me how adorable wombats are? Australia has the BEST animals!

The article goes on to say that the zookeepers don’t know if Anzac and Peggy will stay friends when they grow up, because they will differ wildly in size, and wombats are all waddly like little furry piggies. Aw! Poor Anzac and Peggy! I hope you stay friends FOREVER, you two! DAMN THE MAN! Don’t let ’em tell you who you can be friends with, you two crazy kids. Make it work! AGAINST ALL ODDS! Just like Phil Collins says!

Take a look at me nowwww…..

And if you thought THAT was cute, here is Orbit the owl and HER BFF. They’re not interspecies friends. They’re…um…interobject friends? I guess?

Aw, Orbit!

Baby Orbit was also orphaned, so the lady raising him gave him a cuddle object and he TOTALLY took to it. ZOMG, you GUYS! Could this be any cuter? Also, baby barn owls are ADORABLE. All little puffs of fluff. I mean, I love owls anyway, but when they’re babies, I want to snorgle them. (Also, why so many orphaned babies? This is very sad.)

Aw, look at Orbit here! All baby raptory. I love him.

Look what baby Orbit will look like when he grows up! Listen, I totally missed my calling and should have been a raptor rehabilitator because I love birds of prey more than almost anything, I swear.

I like how poker-faced and wise barn owls look. Like they have SECRETS.

Oh, this isn’t so much “cheerful” as it is something I’ve seen a billion times over the past week or so and it makes me laugh every time.

OK, so since I don’t ever leave the house, I watch more television than is probably healthy? And this one commercial keeps coming on. And I can’t find it online. It’s apparently TOO SHOCKING FOR THE INTERWEBS. Nah, probably no one uploaded it because no one finds it as humorous as I do. Anyway, it’s a back-to-school commercial. It’s either for Kmart or Walmart, I’m not sure which. I thought Walmart but then I started second-guessing myself and now that I WANT to see it, of COURSE it’s not on. Anyway, it’s this hidden-camera thing, where this SECRETIVE VOICE-OVER GUY is all “we invited these families over so their children can try on these clothes for back-to-school” and it shows these women and girls all laughing and smiling and the girls modeling their new clothes. You know. Like you do with your friends and their girlfriends. Then SECRETIVE VOICE-OVER GUY is all “what these people DON’T KNOW is that these clothes are ALL FROM WALMART!” (Or, like I said, it might be Kmart, because I can’t find it anywhere. They’re both kind of the same place anyway.) Then the adults and kids are all, “What? Hee hee hee! I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED! I will buy ALL of my clothes at Walmart (maybe Kmart, whatever) from now on!”

OH NO WALMART CLOTHES! They look just like ANY OTHER CLOTHES! TRICKERY!

Every single time this commercial is on, I give it my OWN voice-over. “What? These clothes are from WALMART? Get ’em off. GET ‘EM OFF! Walmart clothes don’t touch my children’s skin! BURN THEM WITH FIRE! KILL THE CAMERAMAN! HOW DARE YOU!” Then I get the giggles. Because I’m effing hilarious, yo. Is it really so tricky? Kids are refusing to wear clothes from these places? Shit, when I was little, if I refused some of my back-to-school clothes, my mom would have just said, “Fine, wear last year’s shit, see if I care?” And then I’d be wearing the same clothes two years in a row and everyone would start calling me names. So I took what I was given whether I liked it or not, because that’s what poor people do.

This is where we used to get all of our back to school clothes. We’d order ’em through the catalog, get ’em at home, try ’em on, and send back what didn’t fit. We were classy. CLASSY!

(Please note my sarcasm, because I have nothing against either Walmart or Kmart clothing, as a rule. If it fits, I’ll wear it. If you came up to me wearing clothes from either place, I would have no idea where you’d purchased your clothing. Well, unless, I suppose, it said somewhere ON your clothing – say, on your shirt, “PURCHASED AT WALMART” or something. I have no eye for fashion. The closest I come to caring is watching Project Runway on a regular basis. Well, I don’t care much for t-shirts with wolves silk-screened on them. But does anyone? Does anyone, really? Wait, people do? Oh, ok, I’m sure they’re lovely on YOU. Carry on, then.)

Oh, well, I take it back. This one’s ok. I’d TOTALLY wear this one.

I had something else to tell you but I’ve clean forgotten it. I’m going to assume that’s because of the cat scratch fever, or maybe the cocaine withdrawal. GIMME MAH BLOW YO.

Off to watch a billion more episodes of Grimm so I can get caught up by Monday. I’m totally getting sucked into this show. Oh, guess what I learned on it? Listen, you know how I love love love all the German, right? Well, it’s all about fairy tales, so there’s lots of German in it. And in the episode I watched last night, I learned that the German for poison is – ready? Well, Ken already knows and I can sense him rolling his eyes with barely-controlled “OH AMY”-ness right now – the German for poison is gift. So if someone says they’re going to give you gift you, but they’re German, it might be wacky wordplay and they’re totally going to serve you an iocane powder smackdown. Gift, you guys! Could that BE any more wonderful? No, it could NOT, I won’t hear a single argument against it.

He’s about to get a gift. The German kind.

Alright, off to swoon and also malaise. SIGH SIGH SIGH DYING.*

(*Probably not at all dying)

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

33 responses to “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Cat scratch fever is a thing? Really? *wikipediaing* Oh, so it is. But it seems to be dependent on cat flea feces for its transfer from cat to human. Surely, Dumbcat doesn’t suffer from fleas?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh, I didn’t even read that much into it, just that I was DYING. No, he doesn’t have fleas because he never leaves the house. Damn. I guess it’s the cocaine withdrawal after all. SNIFF.

      Like

  • sj

    I AM SO SORRY YOU’RE DYING!

    But I think that commercial is WalMart, even though I haven’t seen it because they recently did a “we replaced all of the steaks in this fine dining restaurant with WALMART STEAKS! What will they do when they find out?” and everyone was all smiley and “OH NO WAI, WALMART HAS MEAT THAT GOOD?” (totally a euphemism) when I would have been all “dude, I just paid 30$ a plate for an effing walmart steak? GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK!”

    Oh, and that baby owl is the CUTIEST!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They DID? I’d be the same way, seriously, Walmart steak is NOT what I want at a FINE DINING ESTABLISHMENT!

      I think it’s just allergies? Or cocaine withdrawal.

      I know, right? I love owls SO MUCH. I want an owl, if it wouldn’t attack me with its sharp beak and claws.

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Heh! I did a similar thing the other week when I suffered from heart palpitations. Wikipedia concluded I had heart valve failure and would be dead within the week.

    For some reason that did nothing to ease my heart palpitations, so I wikipediaed some more and found another possible explanation: heart arrhythmia. Out of 8 symptoms I could account for 6, which conclusively proved* that this was the illness I suffered from. The good news was that heart arrhythmia isn’t fatal and will in fact go away by itself as soon as I stop worrying so much. So say hi to my new chronic condition!

    * If by ‘proved’ I mean ‘vaguely hinted at’. Which is precisely what I mean.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Do you think it could be a panic attack? I only ask because I get them, too, and that’s what my doctor decided they are. They haven’t killed me yet, so I assume she’s probably right. Were you stressed at all when they happened? (Not that that’s always a rule – I get them even when I’m not overly stressed. They just come and go, and make me feel like I’m having a heart attack. Thanks, panic for no reason!)

      Like

      • Andreas Heinakroon

        Panic, stress and anxiety where all possible causes as well as alcohol, amphetamine and caffeine. Also panic disorder. So yes.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          I wonder if that’s it, then? My doctor was quite sure that’s what’s going on with me. I don’t get them all the time, but when I do they’re terrible. I always feel like I’m dying. (And, strangely enough, often it’s when I don’t feel the most stressed. It’s weird.)

          Like

  • borkadventures

    Man, cocaine withdrawal is a bitch, though, right?

    Today you get thank yous for the following:
    A. Baby wombat
    B. Phil Collins reference (you can never go wrong with that)
    C. Reminding me that the new Walmart commercial is annoying and I meant to say so to somebody.
    D. Reminding me that I need to share this commercial with you: HoveRound
    I had that tune stuck in my head for DAYS!
    E. Teaching me “gift”

    Thanks Amy, and I hope you feel better!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Hee! Damn that blow, ruining my life.

      OMG, Hoveround! I love Hoveround. My favorite thing ever is the commercial when the old ladies yell “Hoveround!” into the Grand Canyon and it echoes.

      I’ll be fine, I’m just being overreacty! It’s just a headache. Might even be allergies. They’ve been terrible this summer!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    ‘Gift’* is also the Swedish word for poison. ‘Poison’, on the other hand, is the French word for – well – poison (originally ‘potion’, as in draft or drink). So unless you use the germanic word ‘gift’ you’re all Froggies! So there!

    * The ‘g’ in ‘gift’ is pronounced like the ‘g’ in ‘gyro’ or ‘gymnast’

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Oh yes, that puts me in mind: I need to design and order some apparel for the winter season.

    Like

  • ProfMomEsq

    I should be working right now, but Princess Bride, yo.

    I hope writing this made you feel a little better. The owl made my day – I think they look like they’re good secret-keepers because they appear to have no mouths.

    You may swoon and malaise but, please, no dying. My morning coffee just would not be the same.

    Like

  • Charleen

    I am reading this book right now! And even though Wallace Shawn was not at all what Goldman had in mind when he was writing the book (considering I’m pretty sure he’s not Sicilian), I can’t NOT hear all of Vizzini’s lines in his voice.

    Oh, and yay for interspecies and interobject cuteness. They’re too adorable.

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    I’m sorry to hear about your impending death. I hope Dumbcat feels guilty for causing it, even if it WAS inadvertent. (BTW, Dubmbcat isn’t Sicilian, is he??)

    You get major props just for the title referencing Princess Bride. Bonus points for cute animal photos!!

    Seriously, hope you feel better, soon! But look on the bright side – you don’t have to miss any work!! ;-)

    Like

  • jennabenda

    I’m relieved you came back to the cocaine addiction thing because you almost glossed right over it and then I would have to wonder! Maybe possibly are you just stressed? And Dumbcat is an easy scapegoat? (Here we end up on goats again somehow.)

    Baby wombats and kangaroos look oddly similar. My favourite interspecies friends are still the hippo and the tortoise. http://theryanmason.files.wordpress.com/2010/12/hippotortoise3.jpg “It’s a love bite, I swear!”

    When I Googled that, I found this: http://www.flickr.com/photos/philgyford/477095850/ and now I am horrified. This happened last time too. Your blog posts are dangerous and should come with a warning.

    In any case, I sincerely hope you feel much better soon!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Aw, hippo and tortoise! So cute!

      OMG, that guy in the turtle-face is DISTURBING. Where is the rest of his HEAD? In his shirt?

      Yeah, it’s just stress, I’m pretty sure. Or cocaine withdrawal. I mean, WebMD’s never wrong, right?

      Like

  • Rich Crete

    I hope your malaise doesn’t develop into the ennui. Malaise is the suck but the ennui is the suckimost.

    Like

  • Blogdramedy

    From this post I can’t tell if you’ve had too much coke or not enough. Of course, I mean the kind of coke that goes in a glass…not up your nose. *smirk*

    Like

  • Heather

    Although people think Amazon is the epitome of evil and the devil’s handiwork, they are mistaken…

    That’s all Wal-Fart. Evil with a capital E.

    So my kids don’t have to worry about me getting their clothes there. Heh.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’ve been boycotting them for about 5 or 6 years now. Not for any reason that makes sense. They were rude to me when I was Christmas shopping one year, so I refuse to go back. I know, look at me sticking to my guns! (Mostly, I just like Target better, so it’s not like it’s hard for me to not go to Walmart.)

      Like

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