Going for the gold! Or whatever, I’m not picky at all.

Welcome to Wednesday, where we will be having OLYMPIC NEWS. What’s best about this is that guess how much Olympics I’ve watched? If you guess zero, you are CORRECT. I haven’t even watched recaps. I’m not mad at the Olympics. I just don’t care. I mean, yay, Olympians! You are doing an amazing job! But I am not watching it. Even though I’m home all day and totally could do so.

Here you see a major reason I don’t want anything to do with the Olympics. Ryan Seacrest is a massive tool.

BUT, there is a lot of Olympic news all over the place, and I still read all of that. Of course I do. I like news.

I just checked the really real official site and apparently China has won more medals than the U.S. has. This is apparently what my dad was talking about when he was all crankety-pantsed the other night. He likes MERKA to win ALL THE MEDALS. He thinks if we don’t, then the games are rigged. I don’t know that they’re so much rigged as some Olympians are better than others, and therefore win more medals. At least, that’s what I’d like to think. If the answer is otherwise, don’t tell me about it. I don’t want to know. So right now (which is days before you’ll read this, I’m sure by the time you read this, things will have changed) China is winning, and WHOO MERKA! is coming in second in overall total medals. I like to check up on the countries that the people I care about live in, so in news of countries that some of you live in (sorry if I miss some of you!) we have Great Britain currently (as of the writing of this, things change ALL THE TIME!) tied for third place, Germany in seventh place (you go, Ken’s country!), Canada in twelfth place, and poor Andreas’ Finland has one medal. One! That is NOT ENOUGH. I even researched what it’s in and the answer isn’t AWESOMENESS, like you’d expect, but sailing. (Sailing is an Olympic sport? Huh.) Listen, Finland needs more medals. Because that’s where my ANDREAS lives. So therefore it is FILLED with awesomeness. Also, why would it even NEED medals? IT HAS ANDREAS. He’s BETTER than medals.

Why aren’t you giving Andreas’ country enough medals? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Anyway, here is Olympic news, and semi-Olympic news, and some Olympic cuteness, and things that are Olympic-related. Even though I’m not watching the Olympics. Yep. I know, right? I’m pretty fancy.

First, your dose of Olympic cuteness. Jim (you know Jim! He’s my Minister of Flynance!)……posted this post the other day. You should click on it, because it has adorableness about his daughter and her love of the Olympics. Or, in her parlance, the “Wimpics.” Which I love to death, and think it should be called forever and evermore. I decided she should be the official NBC Wimpic commentator, because I will tell you right now, if she was doing the commentary? I’d be watching those Olympics. I’d be watching those Olympics SO HARD.

Next: this is going to make you disgusted with me. I have excuses, but not many.

You know how at the Olympics in 1972 people got murdered by terrorists?

I’m glad you did. I didn’t. Not until recently.

I KNOW! How embarrassed am I? You can totally yell at me right now. It’s fine. Here are my excuses:

  • I wasn’t born yet;
  • Until probably 10 years or so ago, I didn’t pay attention to ANY news outside of the United States (I know, I know, I was terrible);
  • It was Olympics-related, and when Olympics happens, I immediately tune out;
  • Did I mention, I wasn’t even born yet? I did? OK. I’ve run out of excuses.

So a few weeks ago I read somewhere (I want to say in Ken’s paper, but it might have been elsewhere, I’m not sure, I read a lot of things in a lot of places) about how 11 people (athletes, coaches, and a police officer) were murdered by terrorists during the Munich Olympics in 1972. Here were my thoughts. 1. WHAT THE HELL? How did I now know about this? 2. People got MURDERED? During the OLYMPICS? Actual athletes that were there to compete? What a terrible thing, you know? You’d think someone would have mentioned this within my earshot in the last almost FORTY YEARS OF MY LIFE. Give or take a year or two. I’m not quite forty yet, jellybeans. I’m totally yelling at my dad for not thinking this would be something I would find interesting. He knows I like to hear about such things. Anyway, I spent like half an hour reading all the internet things about it. And crying. About something that happened 40 years ago. Because that’s how I roll. No, seriously, well, you all knew about this, so it probably won’t upset you as much, but think about it. You’re all minding your own business and sleeping or whatever, getting ready to represent your country at the Olympics the next day, and then terrorists show up and suddenly you’re being held hostage and then EVERYONE DIES? Also, how terrible for the city. You’re so excited, and you won the Olympic bid, and the Olympics are in your city, and then this happens? How heartbreaking would that be? This is the worst story, sincerely. How did I not know about this? I feel like maybe my public education failed me.

Then I found out there’s totally a movie about it so I got it from the library and THAT was exciting because I thought I could LEARN things plus I would get to see Ken’s city but the internet tells me that a., half of the movie is imaginary, and b., none of the movie was ACTUALLY FILMED IN MUNICH. And the movie is CALLED Munich. SIGH. Apparently I should have gotten the movie One Day in September instead. I was TAKEN IN by Steven Spielberg’s name, dammit.

Trickery, Spielberg. Trickery.

What, this is totally Olympics-related! Just HISTORICAL! I love history more than real-life, most of the time.

Anyway, since this is the fortieth anniversary of this situation, the widows of the athletes wanted a moment of silence at the current Olympic games, but the officials put the kibosh on it with no explanation. I don’t know why, either. Would a moment of silence have killed them? Were they afraid that it would show them as taking a stance, politically, and make them a target for terrorism? I think if you just said, “This is a moment of silence for murdered Olympians” the point would be made, but whatever.

Anyway, I’ll be watching this movie soon, and if you want to put money down on whether or not I’ll be crying, I’d bet on the tears. You’ll win that bet. Even if the second half is all imaginary imaginariness.

Oh, yeah, this looks better. Dammit. But also scary. Is it scary? I don’t know about scary. True-life scary is bad news.

OK, update. I totally watched Munich? And here are my thoughts.

  1. It was the longest movie in the history of the world.
  2. I am terrible at action movies; I had no idea who the people were, what was happening, or what was going on at any given time. I had to have the Wikipedia synopsis open the whole time so I could go back and forth between the two so I’d know what was happening. True story. This movie made me feel like an idiotic asshole.
  3. I kept waiting for Cillian Murphy to show up, because I’d read he was in it, but when over an hour and a half had passed and he wasn’t there, I looked up what the hell was happening, and realized it was Ciaran Hinds in the movie, not Cillian Murphy. Because apparently I have some sort of confusion with foreign C-names. And they look NOTHING like each other. Like, at ALL.

    Ciaran Hinds, who was ACTUALLY in the movie…

    …and Cillian Murphy, who I was expecting. As you can imagine, I was sorely disappointed.

  4. The first fifteen minutes or so were awesome and compelling and all about the Munich hostage situation and made me cry; the rest of the movie (the remaining TWO AND A HALF HOURS, you guys) was about Eric Bana and a band of ragtag misfits hunting down the terrorists. In the dark. With much shooting and shouting and bombs. I hate movies that are too dark and I hate shouting, shooting, and bombs. Also, everyone had an accent and everyone looked very similar, so I didn’t know who anyone was.
  5. There was like NO MUNICH. Ken, give me a movie to watch where I can see your pretty city, because it sure as hell isn’t THIS one.
  6. My review? Blergh, no thanks. Also, the explosions scared Dumbcat and made him leap up and claw my leg at one point. Spielberg, you owe me a Bandaid. A SOLID GOLD HOLLYWOOD BANDAID. Also, my library doesn’t have One Day in September. I am disappointed.

OK, wait, I totally have more Olympics news! No, I do!

Apparently (I wasn’t paying attention, not a surprise) there is a gymnast named Gabby Douglas. She recently was the first African-American to win the Olympic gymnastics women’s individual all-around competition. That’s exciting, right? And she’s as cute as a button, too.

So, what did everyone concentrate on, when she was competing? Her form? Her dismount? Her attitude? Her scores?

Nope. Her hair.

Apparently, it was some sort of SOCIAL MEDIA OUTRAGE that she didn’t have a better hairstyle? People took offense to the clips she used to hold her hair back?

OH NOES THE HORROR (except not at all the horror)

Um. I don’t want to be judgey, because as mentioned, the Olympics are totally not my thing, but I think there’s a chance we’re concentrating on the wrong thing, here? She’s not competing in the Olympic hairstyling event. It’s GYMNASTICS, for the love of Pete. Also, from what I can see, she had a ponytail, and, like me, she’s one of those people with flyaways, so she used little clips to hold those away from her face. I’m down with that. Are they they prettiest? Nope. But sometimes, when you’re doing something where you have to pay attention, it’s function over style. When I’m driving, I put my hair up, and then put a hat on it, because I don’t have air conditioning and my windows have to be cranked open and my little flyaways flop all over and tickle and annoy me. I would assume you’d want that hair to stay out of your face, were you going for A GOLD MEDAL AT THE OLYMPICS. Who cares what it looks like?

She is as cute as a damn button. She’s got a bucket of personality. I like her a lot.

Also, Gabby Douglas (who is 16, by the way, and what a kick-ass chica) responded to all of the kerfuffle with surprise.

“I don’t know where this is coming from. What’s wrong with my hair?” Douglas, 16, said on Sunday in London. “I’m like, ‘I just made history and people are focused on my hair?’ It can be bald or short, it doesn’t matter about (my) hair.”

Douglas says the gel, clips and ponytail holder are tools she has used to keep her hair in place for years and the debate about it doesn’t matter.

“Nothing is going to change,” she said. “I’m going to wear my hair like this during beam and bar finals. You might as well just stop talking about it.”

I wish I’d been that self-possessed at 16. I probably would have gone out and gotten my hair styled so people would stop making fun of me. I used to have the self-esteem of a pet rock. No, wait. Pet rocks probably have very GOOD self-esteem. Um…of a bullied sugar glider? Better. They seem fragile. I mean, people used to make fun of something I wore, and I’d NEVER WEAR THAT THING AGAIN. Now, people say things about me (I mean, it doesn’t happen often now, but people still say things, it’s not like I live in a glass bubble) and I’m like, meh, is it comfy? Does it fit? I’m good, then, you can suck it.

Next: social media and Olympians.

Two different Olympians were barred from the Olympics (either from competing at all, or from continuing on) for tweeting sour-grapes, racist tweets to their followers in the past couple of weeks.

Social media: where you can say WHATEVER YOU WANT. Oh, wait, no? Oh, ok then. Sorry.

Listen, obviously, I’m not the person to talk to about how best to use social media, as I was kind of fired recently and one of the reasons had to do with my “overuse” of Twitter, and also blogging. Thing is, I didn’t care because I was at the end of my rope at that point. If you actually WANT to be where you are, I think it’s kind of important to be CAREFUL.

There was a Greek athlete who tweeted racist things about West Africans, and a Swiss soccer player who denigrated South Koreans after losing to them.

What’d I say? What’d I say?

If you have to be a racist, maybe you could, I don’t know, email a friend privately? Or write in your journal? At least until the Olympics are over? You trained probably your whole LIFE to get where you are, how stupid are you going to feel when you’re old and your grandchildren are all, “Grandpa, tell me about when you were in the Olympics!” and you have to say, “Well, I didn’t get to compete…because I went online and called someone on the other team an offensive term relating to the mentally handicapped because I was bitter they beat my team.” You’re going to feel like a massive tool. And your grandchildren are going to think you’re a massive tool. Well-played, you. Also, side-notey, but is the Olympics really a place for racism? I thought maybe you could just, I don’t know, compete? And be happy? You’re in the damn OLYMPICS! Those people also worked really hard to get there! Unless they’re throwing the elbow in your face in competition or something (in which case, take it to a ref, not your Twitter followers) then just be a good sport, you’re not 5 years old and on the kindergarten playground, here!

Finally: we have a hometown SCANDAL!

So everyone locally was all YAY YAY YAY because we had a local kid competing in the Olympics! He was going to be competing in judo and he was all over the news and all of us around here were all “YAY LOCAL PERSON!” (Well, I wasn’t. I was more like, huh, judo’s an Olympic sport? Who knew? and then giggling because it reminded me of the time Napoleon Dynamite’s brother went to take judo classes.)

Then he got kicked out of the Olympics for testing positive for drugs. What kind? Performance-enhancing, you’d think, right? Nope.  Weed, of course. You know. As you do, before competing IN THE DAMN OLYMPICS.

Ugh, MAN! No WAY!

His excuse? “My positive test was caused by my inadvertent consumption of food that I did not realise had been baked with marijuana, before I left for the Olympic Games,” said Delpopolo in a statement.

Huh. Well, this can go one of two ways.

  1. He’s a lying liar who lies, and he ate some pot brownies before taking off for London at a goodbye party.
  2. He went to a goodbye party, and his most good-time-Charlie friend was all, “Shhh! Hee hee! These brownies are DELICIOUS! There’s something in the brownies that will make you want MORE BROWNIES!” and was unwittingly dosed with marijuana that way.

To tell you the truth, I have no idea. I think either is equally likely. I knew a kid once who was all “I used to trick people into doing angel dust” and when I was like, “Um, what the hell?” he was like, “I used to lace weed with it, and then give the weed to people to smoke, and then ask them, ‘have you ever done angel dust?’ and they’d be like, ‘unh-uh’ and I’d be like ‘YEAH YOU HAVE!’ and it was HILARIOUS.” When I told him that didn’t seem so hilarious, he seemed befuddled. Honestly, it seems more likely he’d have been dosed without his knowledge, because I’m sure Olympians are aware of the drug-testing rules, aren’t they? And even I know that marijuana stays in your system for a while. (When I was young and making much less intelligent choices, the rumor was a month, but I have no idea if that’s true or not. We weren’t all that intelligent back then. Or, we WERE, but we were seeing the world through a smoky haze. The internet tells me that if you’re a heavy smoker, you can test positive for THC up to 90 days after quitting. WHOA DUDE. GNARLY.)


Either way, our local Olympic dreams are DASHED. Well, “our” meaning “everyone except me” because I didn’t really have any to begin with. I’m still gobsmacked judo’s a sport. I feel kind of bad for the kid, though. I think if the drug you did is proven to be DETRIMENTAL to your performance, you should still be allowed to compete. It’s not like those brownies gave him a leg up, you know? I bet if you asked his competitors, they’d be like, “SURE! Let him compete! I’ll fight the stoner! NO I WILL!”

OK, there you go, ladies and gentlemen and also Ding Dong Joe. All the Olympics news for you! Off to not watch more of the Olympics! As I do! Or…well…don’t, I guess!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

14 responses to “Going for the gold! Or whatever, I’m not picky at all.

  • blogginglily

    I love the Wimpics.

    I loved “Munich”.

    I feel like a lecherous old coot when I watch Aly Raisman compete.

    I love Lolo Jones. Lolo tweets her ass off, by the way. She just got fourth in the 100 m hurdles yesterday. Poor Lolo. I hate to see her cry.

    Thanks for the shout out!


    • lucysfootball

      I am terrible at action movies. Just terrible. I can’t pay attention to that kind of shootery, it makes me twitchy.

      I haven’t seen a bit of the Wimpics so I don’t know who those people are. But I like the name Lolo a great deal.

      You are WELCOME. I need to use my Minister of Flynance more. My dad says to tell you you’re no longer dead to him due to not meeting us in Florida and he’s praying for you guys. (You were never dead to me. Just to Dad.)


  • greengeekgirl

    I HATE ANYBODY WHO LACES WEED. Anybody. Because that happened to me like ten years ago? (okay like seven years ago?) Worst experience ever. I was traumatized. Putting speed in marijuana is NOT OKAY.

    Also, I felt like I was dying and I called the paramedics (stoned out of my mind and also tricked into being high on SPEED) and they laughed at me. The good news is that since I called the paramedics the douchebag who brought the weed had to leave in a hurry. Next time some db with weed is hanging around, I’m going to call the “paramedics” (or, you know, fake call) and be like oh yeah, the cops are on their way, just so you know.



  • sj

    What about that Canadian snowboarder dude that WAS STRIPPED OF HIS MEDAL in Nagano? Surely you remember that? “Oh, I haven’t smoked in a year, I just HANG OUT with a bunch of potheads.” Um, dude. You’re a snowboarder. Stop.


    • lucysfootball

      I really don’t pay attention to the Olympics so I had no idea that happened. I know, I know, I’m embarrassing. Honestly, though, I know they SHOULDN’T DO DRUGS…but honestly, it’s not a performance-enhancing drug. It’s a performance-DECREASING drug. If they’re stupid enough to do something that makes them slower and stupider before they compete…well, let ’em compete stupider and slower, who cares?


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Better than medals? You flatter me, I’m sure!

    Anyway, as you hinted, us Finns don’t really care for medals. We’d rather focus on savouring our national sense of futile despair.


    • lucysfootball

      You are SO much better than medals. If someone said to me, “Amy, you could have a GOLD MEDAL, or you could hang out with Andreas for a few hours,” I’d pick you. You trump medals.

      “National sense of futile despair” = my new favorite thing. Maybe since I don’t know what my background is, I’m really Finnish! I have a keen sense of futile despair!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    When I’m driving, I also put my hair up. And wear a hat. Are we related, perchance?


    • lucysfootball

      I laughed so hard at that stupid movie in the theater people were glaring at me. It STILL makes me laugh. I like his tater tots. And the llama. And how he didn’t have Chap Stick and his lips hurt REAL BAD. And how he caught his girlfriend a delicious bass. And his little dramatic dance for Pedro. So stupid. Love love love.


  • becomingcliche

    Those haters who tweeted about Gabby’s hair would have a field day with my favorite hat. That’s why I skipped participating in the Olympics. A medal wasn’t worth being told my hat is ridiculous.


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