One of my readers, the lovely Angela (hi, the lovely Angela!), upon reading my post about our sad young friend in Bali who fell very much in love with a very seductive cow and then lost his love to some angry villagers and a watery death, thought that further investigation needed to be done into interspecies marriage, because listen, that article was totally not in-depth enough. We both felt bad for the poor cow, and were wondering if the drowning happened pre- or post-nuptials, and in what language the nuptials were conducted? Balinese or Cow? And what language IS cow, anyway? Does it even have a name, or is it just called Cow? Because I can’t imagine that’s the case. That would be like if all human language was just called Human. That seems…speciesist, somehow. We aren’t living in the Tower of Babel, here.
Anyway, in honor of Angela – do not let it be said I do not love my readers! – I did EXTENSIVE RESEARCH into interspecies marriage. I am NOT going to go into interspecies CONSUMMATION of the interspecies marriage; because, well, ew, and I don’t want to become the place where people go for all manner of bestiality advice and/or information. I’m sure there ARE such places people can go for such things. There’s EVERYTHING on the internet. I just don’t think it needs to be HERE. I mean, sure, I’m all for new readers. I just don’t think THAT sort of readers. Because they’d just get disappointed if they came back a few times and realized I wasn’t supplying a constant source of animal pornery.
SO, due to the WONDER of the INTERNET, I have researched interspecies marriage for you. Surprisingly, there wasn’t as much out there as you might think. I know! It’s kind of shocking.
EXAMPLE THE FIRST
A Very High-Profile Interspecies Relationship
For over thirty years, a very high-profile interspecies relationship has been going on RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES. Right under them! And according to my VERY IN-DEPTH RESEARCH, they MAY WELL BE LIVING IN SIN, you guys! SIN! This cannot stand, I mean, come on, now. Sinful sinfulness! This couple had their own television show, shoving their liberal agenda down our throats for years. Once their show ended, they continued their hippie-dippie love-in shit with movies. MOVIES! Not only that – MOVIES THAT WE SHOW OUR CHILDREN! I know, you’re all probably shocked beyond belief.
Who’s involved in this relationship, you’re asking yourself? AND HOW CAN WE STOP THIS?
Yep. I know. It’s pretty horrifying. A PIG. And a FROG.
According to this strangely in-depth and really well-researched entry from something called “Muppet Wiki” (yep, who knew? That’s totally a thing) Kermit and Miss Piggy have been telling differing stories about their relationship for years. Sometimes they say they’re married; sometimes they say they’re living in sin; sometimes they say they are very much in love; sometimes they say they’ve broken up. They have their ups and downs, those two. Well, what can you expect from a cold-blooded and a hot-blooded species? They’re not meant to get along. Also, not to get disgusting (I KNOW, I promised I wasn’t going to go into this) but male frogs climb on female frogs’ backs and fertilize their eggs as they lay them. I’m pretty sure that isn’t going to satisfy someone as high-maintenance as Miss Piggy. Hi-ya! (Also, she doesn’t seem like someone who’d want all that mess. She seems very…I don’t know, cleanly.)
I know some of you are saying, “AMY! I know they’re married, I saw them get married!” Well, my little strawberry shortcakes, if you remember correctly, that was a dream sequence/part of the musical (I don’t remember, it’s been years since I watched that – wasn’t it part of the musical, but Miss Piggy hired a real minister to make it real, or something?) in The Muppets Take Manhattan.
So there you go. Damn hippies trying to FORCE INTERSPECIES MARRIAGE down our THROATS. Don’t even get me started on Gonzo and those chickens. Although I don’t think he ever married any of them, and also I don’t know that Gonzo is an animal. What the hell IS Gonzo, anyway? (Huh. The internet says he’s an alien. Also, be careful, babes. If you don’t specify and just Google “what is Gonzo,” you get a page called “What is gonzo porn?” and then you of COURSE have to READ that, because you’re CURIOUS like a CAT, then you imagine how FUNNY that might be to WATCH, then you’ve lost 30 minutes.)
EXAMPLE THE SECOND
It’s Not All Bollywood and Nose-Piercing Over There
In India, it’s a custom (not a COMMON custom, but a custom nonetheless) to marry a dog for a variety of reasons.
In 2003, a girl in India married a dog to ward off an evil spell. How did they know she had an evil spell cast upon her? Because she had a tooth that wouldn’t come out of her upper gum. Don’t ask any further questions than that. It can only lead to madness, I’m sure. So in order to break the evil tooth-spell, she had to marry the village’s stray dog. Because that’s a thing that they do. I’m not here to judge. She doesn’t have to do anything ICKY with the dog. It’s a ceremonial thing. And she’s free to marry a human when she grows up. So it’s a cultural thing, I guess. Also, dogs are pretty awesome.
Then a man in India in 2007 married a dog to atone for the fact that he murdered two dogs years before, and HE was under an evil curse. (I’m tending to believe more in the dog-murder curse than the tooth-gum curse, to be honest.) He was a total dickweed and he stoned two dogs to death and HUNG THEM FROM TREES (he’s totally being haunted by dog-ghosts and GOOD, you GO, dog-ghosts, eat his WHOLE FACE OFF) and then he was all, “Damn, I feel like I’m under a little black raincloud, HOW TO FIX THIS?” and then he married the town’s stray dog. I feel like, based on these articles, Indian villages may have a lot of stray dogs. That they marry. For curse-reasons.
Then, in 2009, an infant in India had to marry a stray dog because otherwise in the future, it was predicted he’d be eaten by a tiger. Again, he can marry a human when he grows up. And he WILL grow up. Non-tiger-eaten. Because of his marriage to a dog. I would include a link to my source material on this one like a REAL GROWNUP JOURNALIST but MSN pulled the article and I cobbled it together from the comments on their pulled article and the Wikipedia. You can probably find it if you’re crafty. Or just accuse me of lying, I’m down with that.
FINALLY, in dog-marriage news (but NOT in India) a man married his dog in Australia a couple of years ago. “What curse was HE under, Amy?” you’re asking. None. He just really, really, REALLY loved his dog. (I’m really hoping in a bro-way, and not anything else. I refuse to think of anything else. NOTHING ELSE.)
EXAMPLE THE THIRD
Too Shocking for Springer. TOO SHOCKING FOR EVEN SPRINGER!
In 1998, Jerry Springer had an episode titled “I Married a Horse.” It was considered TOO SHOCKING FOR TELEVISION, and not allowed to be aired. (Also on the episode along with the horse-dude were a lady who was in a very…um…graphic relationship with her Schnauzer and a man who was an equal-opportunity dog-lovah and hadn’t settled on any specific special lady yet. Or, bitch, I guess.)
The horse-dude also had a documentary made about him. (Best comment on that post? The one about the “stable” relationship. Heh. I’m a pre-teen boy with my sense of humor.)
The moral here? America is down with baby-daddy-drama and people ripping out each other’s weaves and a lot of bleeped cussing, but NOT ok with animal…um…husbandry.
EXAMPLE THE FOURTH
You Can’t Always Expect Goat-Marriage
I’m kind of poaching on Ken’s territory here. Because, you remember, right? You remember the rule?
And also, “you can’t always expect goats” is totally Ken’s thing. Look, he’s the first thing that comes up when you search that on Google and everything. As it should be. But this very all-inclusive research piece I’m doing on behalf of the BETTERMENT of the WORLD would not be complete without mentioning this.
In Sudan (or is it “the” Sudan? Because we don’t say “the” America or “the” Finland or whatever) a man was startled while performing goat-loving. “When I asked him: ‘What are you doing there?’, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up,” the owner said.
The owner left the goat-aficionado tied up, and went to the “council of elders” (um, AWESOME, I want a “council of elders,” even better, I want to be ON a council of elders, I would be VERY MERCIFUL, most of the time) and the council of elders said (if I may paraphrase, because it’s like this might be my audition for the council of elders) “Dude! Don’t go to the po-po. Make him pay you some sweet dinero, and then make him marry the goat, since he’s already used her like a wife, yo.”
SO THAT HAPPENED.
The guy married the goat, and they lived in wedded bliss for about a year, until the goat died of VERY suspicious circumstances (“choking on a plastic bag” which I think is a Rough on Rats excuse if I’ve ever heard one) and the best part of the Wikipedia entry is “The goat was survived by a 4-month-old kid.” Well. That means the goat either a., cheated on her husband, or b., the man and his goat had an interspecies BABY.
EXAMPLE THE FIFTH
Marrying dogs and turtles = marrying the person you love
According to some very progressive politicians* (*not at all progressive) we’re all one step away from marrying animals anyway.
You see, here in the United States, we have six states (Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York – YAY NEW YORK – and Vermont) that allow same-sex couples to marry, and recognize their marriages with the same rights and privileges as any other couple. AS EVERY STATE SHOULD FOR THE LOVE OF PETE. Cough. Cough cough. Sorry. My politics slipped in. Pardon MOI.
BUT, with each state that allows same-sex marriage to happen, we’re closer to the total breakdown of society. And that total breakdown comes in the guise of marrying DOGS and TURTLES.
“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That’s not to pick on homosexuality. It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing. And when you destroy that you have a dramatic impact on the quality.”
“Bill O’Reilly again theorized that the legalization of gay marriage could lead to interspecies marriages, stating to Margaret Hoover, ‘[Y]ou would let everybody get married who want to get married. You want to marry a turtle, you can.’ O’Reilly has previously suggested that gay marriage could ultimately allow for a person to marry a goat, duck, or dolphin.”
Well! Goats, ducks, dolphins, turtles, and dogs! That’s quite a damn petting zoo of marriage. Dammit, gays! STOP RUINING SOCIETY WITH FORCING ME TO MARRY ANIMALS! Oh, what, wait, you’re not…your marriage is not forcing me to marry an animal? And it’s a civil rights issue and no one’s telling me I can’t marry the person I love, were I to actually find someone to love, AND it totally injects all kinds of money into my state’s economy? Well, shit, marry it up, gays. Marry. It. Up. I’ll run the risk of duck-marriage, and since goats are Ken’s, he’s in charge of that situation.
EXAMPLE THE SIXTH AND FINAL
A Very Strangely-Written Folk Tale
According to this Cheyenne folk tale, which I believe has lost something in translation or writing or whatever, a chief’s daughter had illicit relations in the middle of some very dark night on her hands and when she hugged him, she put red handmarks on his back. The next day, at a dance, she looked for the man with red handmarks on his back (because…no one bathed there?) and none of the men had red-handy-backs. BUT A DOG DID DUN DUN DUNNNNN. The chief’s daughter was mega-sad that her lovah had been a dog. (Nowhere in this story was it mentioned that she’d had sex with a shapeshifter of some sort. How did she not KNOW it was a dog? Was he not furry with a tail and smaller than a human? CONFUSING.)
Because she was sad (or a psychopath) she took the dog into the woods and beat it but it ran away. (Um, yeah. OF COURSE IT DID.) Then she gave birth to seven puppies. As you do.
She hated her puppies and told her mom to KILL THEM KILL THEM ALL but her mom was all “those ma grandpuppies, yo!” and took care of them. Their mom eventually was like, “Huh, I guess I don’t hate my litter as much as I thought. I guess I can throw a tennis ball around with them a little or whatever.” BUT! Once they were old enough, their dad showed up and took them away LIKE A THIEF IN THE NIGHT.
The chief’s daughter was super-sad and was all, “Hey, mom, make me a bunch of puppy-moccasins, I’M GOING TO GET MA BABEHS” and then chased them down. They were in a tent with a young man who ignored her. (Probably because when he was a dog, SHE KICKED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM?) She fell asleep, and when she woke up, the kiddos and her ex-lovah were gone. This went on for 3 more nights. On the fourth night, she could not find them, and thought to look up in the sky (I don’t know why) and saw her puppies, which were now the constellation the Pleiades.
What is the MOST confusing about this is that it’s called “The Girl Who Married a Dog” and she CLEARLY did not marry a dog. She had some SEX with a SHAPESHIFTER who was either always a dog, or masquerading as one, and then gave birth to a litter of star-puppies. Also she was an animal abuser and a negligent mom.
This is a very confusing folk tale.
There! Angela, ALL THE RESEARCH into interspecies marriage! I don’t know if we know any more than we did when we started, and we’re still not any further along in understanding why they drowned that damn cow…but! ALL THE RESEARCH! ALL FOR YOU DAMIEN!