What’s for lunch? Delicious moths? Um. No, no thanks. I’m good.

It’s going to have to be random-crap-I-found-on-the-interwebs-day because my brain is a little scattery at the moment. Sorry. BRAIN FULL OF SCATTERY! I blame Congress.

First (and I apologize I can’t put the pretty video in; DAMN YOU COMEDY CENTRAL!) you all seem to have OLYMPIC FEVER! so this will make you happy. It totally made me shout laughter. “I think I might have piaffed a little; I need a towel” had me in tears. Also, horse! A super-pretty horse! Which seems a little skittish, but, still! PRETTY HORSE! Shut up, I’m still a girl who likes horsies at heart.

I like how prancey they are. SO PRANCEY.

Next: the grossest thing EVER. Fine, fine, potentially just for me.

OK, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I totally have a moth phobia. I think they’re beautiful, don’t get me wrong. And I don’t kill them when I encounter them. I just find their fat furry bodies and dusty wings to be repulsive, and sometimes they fly into you and hit you with their bodies and that is UNEXPECTED and it is SO ICKY. They give me the shivers. Also, one time I was driving on a work-errand and my back was itchy and so I reached up the back of my shirt to itch and THERE WAS A HUGE MOTH IN MY SHIRT and I almost got in a wreck trying to get that thing out of there and also drive. UGH.

Ugh, look at the furry body. Just LOOK at it. Shudder.

I found this article the other day that is ALL ABOUT MOTHS. And, ew ew ew EW. I think the point of the post was that we were supposed to be all “WHOA MOTHS ARE THE COOLEST!” but mostly I was all “REMEMBER THAT TIME A MOTH WAS IN MY TOP?” and got all shivery.

Some things that freaked me right the hell out about this article:

“The Atlas Moth, of Southeast Asia, considered the largest in the world, has a wingspan of nearly a foot (30 centimeters) — more than that of a Baltimore oriole.” NEARLY A FOOT! You GUYS! That is as long as a RULER! What if THAT had gotten down my top? I WOULD HAVE DIED SO HARD. Ugh ugh UGH.

Look how big this moth is compared to those hands. JUST LOOK. I am dying inside a little at the moment. WHY IS THIS PERSON TOUCHING THESE MOTHS.

“To avoid being eaten, some moths have evolved to look like less palatable insects, such as wasps, tarantulas and the praying mantis. Some moths even mimic bird droppings.” I don’t like this kind of TRICKERY, moths. What if I’m all walking along and I think, well, gross, look at all this poo on the ground, oh, well, have to walk, no choice, and it’s all TRICKY-ASS MOTHS? I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT SHIT AT ALL. No pun intended.

This moth looks like tree bark. What if you leaned on the tree and then it was all MOTH TIME? NO NO NO!

“In some parts of the world, moths are a major food source for people too.” UGH NO. They’re all FURRY! They would get stuck in your THROAT! You would hack and COUGH with a throat full of TICKLISHNESS and FUR!

Then I found THIS whole ball of crazy, and that made me laugh until I coughed (like I had a throat full of moths, probably.)

So the scoop is, this professor at Arizona State University (that’s in Phoenix! Who’s also in Phoenix? BFF is! So it’s like HE is the one who found this very important discovery! What, shut up, it totally is), using a camera attached to an “orbiter” (I’m assuming…that’s some sort of satellite of some sort?), was able to get a visual on the flags planted in the surface of the moon from the space missions. That’s kind of cool, right? The only one that they were not able to get a visual on was the one from Apollo 11, and apparently Buzz Aldrin had said he was pretty sure that one was knocked over exhaust when Apollo 11 was leaving the moon. I think this is all very cool! Cool beans, professor from ASU!

I mean, I wouldn’t be able to tell you that this is a flag on the moon. But I trust the ASU professor. He’s from BFF’s town, why would he lie to me?

HOWEVER. STILL, many many MANY years later, there are people who think ALL OF OUR MOON LANDINGS were government conspiracies, and that it was all staged, and their explanation for these flags? MEN IN BLACK CONSPIRACY THEORY X-FILESSSS! Or that (of course) the whole thing was faked, via Photoshop, because of course.

See? It was all filmed in a STUDIO, of course! A STUDIO! LIES! LIIIIEEEESSSS!

Here’s my question. WHY would anyone have made up moon landings? Who would it benefit? What a long-running scam the government has run on all of us! How well they have hidden the TRUTH from us for all of these years! (I think it’s hysterical the government can’t do ANYTHING right, but they can totally hide aliens/moon landings/all manner of Mulderian nonsense from us and carry that off like CHAMPS. Maybe apply that to other areas of the government? That’s be a smart move.)

Mulder’s not falling for this falsehood, no no no.

This is a video of what happens when you accuse Buzz Aldrin of making up walking on the moon. IT IS THE BEST THING EVER.

PUNCHED THAT DORK IN THE FACE, YO. Don’t you get in Buzz Aldrin’s face. Don’t you even dare.

Whenever I think of the moon or moon landings or astronauts, I get this video in my head and I laugh until I almost die. Seriously, this has remained one of the funniest things I’ve seen on Saturday Night Live almost ever. I love this to death.


Then finally I found this and it’s totally a Dr. Seussian animal kingdom thing, don’t you even tell me it isn’t.

Apparently dolphins are all cliquey, like Mean Girls, and also they are like the Star-Bellied Sneetches because some have stars upon thars. Except by “stars” I of course mean “sea sponges on their faces.”

Stars upon thars!

Were you all aware of this? That some dolphins wear sea sponges on their faces to help them hunt, and some don’t, and they learn it from their dolphin-moms? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, MOM. I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU.

For no reason at all, this makes me laugh. A lot. What are dolphins hunting FOR that they need sponges on their noses? Dirty dishes?

So the sea-spongey dolphins hang with other sea-spongey dolphins, and the non-sea-spongey dolphins hang with the OTHER sea-sponge-absent dolphins, and I’m assuming someday, Sylvester McMonkey McBean will show up with his Sponge-Off Machine and ALL THE DOLPHINS WILL GET ALL MIXED UP and realize important lessons about themselves, and also probably racism or religious tolerance because that’s what Sylvester McMonkey McBean teaches us (and the dolphins) about.

Sylvester McMonkey McBean!

Oh, also, this only holds true for FEMALE dolphins. Hence the Mean Girls. MALE dolphins aren’t hanging out in their underwater man-cave with sponge-faces. Male dolphins are all doing their thing on their own like MEN RAWR! Female dolphins are HANGING OUT and probably GOSSIPING with CLICKING and I’m also going to assume EXCLUDING other dolphins whose sponges aren’t the right COLOR or SHAPE or THIS YEAR’S MODEL OR STYLE. Or probably also dolphins with braces, acne, or bad dolphin-perms.

Her hair is full of SECRETS.

I worry about the dolphins who are getting mean-dolphined. I think probably they need a support group. I’m going to hope it’s run by a wise sea turtle. Probably Crush from Finding Nemo. He’s not doing much at the moment and he was so chillllll, yo.

See? Wouldn’t he be the best mentor for the bullied dolphins? Sure he would.

There, all kinds of weird random internet crap. I think I might need ADD medication. Or to get out of the house more. Or both. Maybe both.

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

15 responses to “What’s for lunch? Delicious moths? Um. No, no thanks. I’m good.

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