Today, we need to talk about a very serious subject, and that subject is MONSTERS.
I am a huge fan of cryptozoology. This is because I like the following: mysteries; animals; and MONSTERS. Also people that take crazy things too seriously. That always makes me laugh.
I think I’ve told you this story before, but I’ll tell you again, in case I didn’t (or in case it happened a long time ago): one time, I totally got to see a CHUPACABRA.
My friend C. and I went to the local fair once, and it’s not the fanciest fair, but I always like going to the fair. Here are things I like at the fair: fried dough; that game you can play where you throw a ball into a bingo board with holes in it and can win VALUABLE PRIZES (i.e. crappy knife sets and travel mugs that leak); seeing (and secretly petting, if no one’s looking) the animals in the farm barns; the craft tents (I’m a total sucker for crafts, I can’t even help myself); and, if I’m really, really lucky, and it’s a totally scuzzy fair, the sideshow tents.
They’re not sideshows like sideshows used to be with bearded ladies and fire-eaters and things, because I think that might be frowned upon now. But sometimes there are totally entertaining things and you can see them for like a DOLLAR. Who’s willing to pay a dollar for the sight of weird things? ME ME ME, is who!
So at the fair like ten years ago we saw many interesting things, like the lady who was half-snake, half-lady, which would have been more believable if she wasn’t sticking her head out of a cement snake-coil (and listen, C. and I laughed until we almost peed our pants when we ran into some friends of hers and the guy said he’d seen the snake-lady and yelled to her, “Wiggle your tail!” and she’d GLARED at him) (OH SIDE NOTE! Snake Lady was TOTALLY DIRECTING TRAFFIC when we were leaving the fair! And she was totally not even half a snake. She had legs and everything. RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF! So I had my car windows open because it was very hot and I was all, “HOLY HELL! THAT IS SNAKE LADY!” and she SNAPPED her head around and GLARED and me and C. and I totally drove away all fast and gasping with laughter. This was the best trip to the fair ever, no joke.)
ANYWAY, I’m burying the chupacabra lead here. So we went into a tent that was all “there are many WONDERS in here but most WONDROUS is an AUTHENTIC CHUPACABRA!” and I was all, “C., I totally want to see a chupacabra! That IS wondrous” and she was like, “You are CORRECT” so in we went. (Were you wondering if C. is the best? Stop wondering, she is.)
Oh, in case you’re wondering, a chupacabra is like a Mexican vampire goat-sucker creature and the internet says it looks like this.
(SIDE NOTE AGAIN! One time, Dad was talking about some animal in his wood lot that he didn’t know what it was, and I said, “Oh, probably it was a chupacabra” and he was like “No it was not. What is a chupacadabra.” And I said, “It is a Mexican vampire goat-sucker that may or may not exist. IT IS VERY SCARY. Not chupacadabra. It’s not a magic word. ChupaCABRA.” And he said, “I don’t think it was a chalupacobra, it didn’t even look like a snake OR Mexican food OR a vampire, and there are no goats for it to suck at the wood lot.”)
So we went into THE TENT OF THE CHUPACABRA, and it was filled with grainy photos of things that they said were REAL MONSTERS like the Loch Ness Monster and such, and jars of milky fluid with things floating in them they SAID were like two-headed cows but could really have been anything because the fluid was so opaque, so pretty much C. and I were all sarcastically “OOH AHH”ing everything we saw, because I’d seen more impressive displays at a high-school haunted house. Then we got to the end and there was a chicken-wire cage, and I was all “THERE IS THE CHUPACABRA!” and got very excited. Only there was nothing in the cage. And there was a HUGE HOLE in the bottom of the cage.
“Huh. Guess it escaped,” C. said, in a very dry tone, and I got one of the worst cases of giggles I’d ever gotten in my LIFE.
On our way out, the bored ticket-taker guy was telling irate chupacabra-seekers “Oh, SO sorry, I guess the chupacabra ESCAPED, no refunds” and I seriously giggled through the entire rest of the fair. BEST FAIR TRIP EVER. I really have to go back to the fair someday. I love that place. Next summer. When I’m gainfully employed and not a drain on society. I promise, future-Amy! To the fair we will go! Let this post serve as a REMINDER!
Anyway, WHOO, that was the longest intro for a post in the history of EVER. So the other day, I started seeing posts about a MONSTER that had washed ashore in New York City. Well, shit. I like monsters! So much!
The New York Parks Department was all, “this is a pig that someone discarded on the beach after a cookout gone awry” and threw it away, but as you can see in the photo, pigs don’t usually have LONG FIVE-FINGERED FEETSIES, NY Parks Department. What kind of pigs are you cooking and discarding on the beach, you guys?
So now the whole internet’s a’buzzin’ about the Manhattan Monster and what IS it, and is it a CHUPACABRA?!??!? (See, if that damn fair-chupacabra hadn’t escaped, I could help with this identification, ugh, thanks a LOT, fair) but most people that know such things think it’s a dog or a raccoon that was submerged for a long time because apparently that makes all the hair fall off something’s body and it all bloat up and therefore look all gross like this.
(I totally want to call Dad and tell him they found a chupacabra in Manhattan but mostly I know what his response would be: “Of course they did. That place is FULL of Mexican food.”)
Then my investigation into the MANHATTAN MONSTER led me to this: the MONTAUK MONSTER. I’d really be an excellent internet researcher. Is that a job? If so, how do I apply for that?
Apparently back in 2008, this MONSTER was discovered in Montauk (that’s at the tip of Longuyland, you guys, if you want to say it like a local) and it kind of looks like it has a beak, so everyone was (again) all CHUPACABRA (what about “Mexican” goat-sucker vampire beastie is confusing to you all? We are not IN Mexico, why do you think everything is a chupacabra?)…
…but many people were called in to investigate and, again, they decided it was a waterlogged raccoon and it only looked like it had a beak because of decomposition. Again, it disappeared before anyone could do any closer investigation. I call total shenanigans on all this MONSTER-disappearance. I watched a LOT of X-Files in my misguided youth. I KNOW ABOUT GOVERNMENT COVERUPS YOU GUYS.
Then THAT investigative research I did led me to ANOTHER MONSTER. This one’s in Canada. I don’t talk enough about Canada, so I was very pleased that I got to include a CANADIAN monster. Hi, Canadian readers! You have a monster, too!
The CANADIAN monster is called a omajinaakoos (that means “ugly one” and is that not a FANTASTIC word? Yes, yes it is) and it washed ashore in a small town in Northern Ontario called – ready for another gorgeous word? – Kitchenuhmaykoosib in 2010. Here’s what it looked like:
If you click on that link above, the article totally makes me laugh because the title is “‘Monster’ washes ashore in Canada: Is it the Chupacabra? No, it’s probably just a decomposed mink.” Heh. Way to shit on those people’s chupacabra parade, Christian Science Monitor.
So, yeah, AGAIN, everyone was all, “IT IS THE CHUPACABRA!” but also they were all “it is the legendary creature the omajinaakoos!” and people were called in to investigate and they were, AGAIN, all party-poopers and said it was probably a decomposed mink. SIGH. We are NEVER going to find the chupacabra ALL THE WAY NORTH LIKE THIS at this rate.
So what have we learned today, my little cryptozoologist research assistants? Well…um…nothing. No, no. That’s not true. We DID learn that whenever something washes up on the shore, it looks like a chupacabra, no matter WHERE it washes up. Also, that a long submersion in the water does WEIRD-ASS things to a critter. WEIRD-ASS THINGS. Like making them look like chupacabras. And people really, really, REALLY want to believe in chupacabras. So, so badly. But if you happen to be walking along the beach all fleet-footed and fancy-free and come across a gross dead thing, here is my advice for you.
- DO NOT TOUCH IT. Dead things are gross and you don’t know where they’ve been.
- Feel free to take a lot of photos. Photos are awesome and also maybe you can sell them to places and make a little cashola, I don’t know.
- If you can think of a way to keep the dead thing, then do it, but don’t TOUCH the gross dead thing. Like, maybe get a shovel or a doggie bag or something. ’cause, gross. Because if you call the authorities about the dead thing, you’ll never see it again. The authorities are all COVERING THAT SHIT UP. CAHOOTS! CAHOOTERY!
- Do not immediately assume that thing is a chupacabra. You’re going to look like a weirdo. Well, unless you’re in Mexico. Then I guess you can come to that assumption more readily than if you were in, say, New York or a town with an awesome name in Canada.
- Come to Lucy’s Football and tell me all about the dead thing, because I LIVE for this shit. I LOVE IT SO.
- Tell the story of the time you found a super-awesome beach-thing forEVER. That’s your claim to fame now! You’re the dead-creature-finder! You’re FAMOUS*! (*you might not really be famous)
Happy Thursday, explorers of the dark side of science! Keep your eyes peeled! If all else fails, it can’t hurt to play this, my favorite X-Files themed song ever! (Bee tee dubs, Mulder and Scully totally investigated the chupacabra in the episode “El Mundo Gira” but it wasn’t a chupacabra, either. It was an out-of-control athlete’s foot fungus. YOU’RE WELCOME.) Oh, yeah, well, this looks like it’s a Jerry Springer episode but I promise you it’s actually a very very very VERY awesome song. You’ll love it. When have I led you astray, jellybeans?