Today, we need to talk about a very serious subject, and that subject is MONSTERS.

No, not this kind of monsters. Anyway, he’s a sellout now. He’s the VEGGIE monster now, The Nephew tells me. Sigh.
I am a huge fan of cryptozoology. This is because I like the following: mysteries; animals; and MONSTERS. Also people that take crazy things too seriously. That always makes me laugh.
I think I’ve told you this story before, but I’ll tell you again, in case I didn’t (or in case it happened a long time ago): one time, I totally got to see a CHUPACABRA.
My friend C. and I went to the local fair once, and it’s not the fanciest fair, but I always like going to the fair. Here are things I like at the fair: fried dough; that game you can play where you throw a ball into a bingo board with holes in it and can win VALUABLE PRIZES (i.e. crappy knife sets and travel mugs that leak); seeing (and secretly petting, if no one’s looking) the animals in the farm barns; the craft tents (I’m a total sucker for crafts, I can’t even help myself); and, if I’m really, really lucky, and it’s a totally scuzzy fair, the sideshow tents.
They’re not sideshows like sideshows used to be with bearded ladies and fire-eaters and things, because I think that might be frowned upon now. But sometimes there are totally entertaining things and you can see them for like a DOLLAR. Who’s willing to pay a dollar for the sight of weird things? ME ME ME, is who!
So at the fair like ten years ago we saw many interesting things, like the lady who was half-snake, half-lady, which would have been more believable if she wasn’t sticking her head out of a cement snake-coil (and listen, C. and I laughed until we almost peed our pants when we ran into some friends of hers and the guy said he’d seen the snake-lady and yelled to her, “Wiggle your tail!” and she’d GLARED at him) (OH SIDE NOTE! Snake Lady was TOTALLY DIRECTING TRAFFIC when we were leaving the fair! And she was totally not even half a snake. She had legs and everything. RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF! So I had my car windows open because it was very hot and I was all, “HOLY HELL! THAT IS SNAKE LADY!” and she SNAPPED her head around and GLARED and me and C. and I totally drove away all fast and gasping with laughter. This was the best trip to the fair ever, no joke.)
ANYWAY, I’m burying the chupacabra lead here. So we went into a tent that was all “there are many WONDERS in here but most WONDROUS is an AUTHENTIC CHUPACABRA!” and I was all, “C., I totally want to see a chupacabra! That IS wondrous” and she was like, “You are CORRECT” so in we went. (Were you wondering if C. is the best? Stop wondering, she is.)
Oh, in case you’re wondering, a chupacabra is like a Mexican vampire goat-sucker creature and the internet says it looks like this.
(SIDE NOTE AGAIN! One time, Dad was talking about some animal in his wood lot that he didn’t know what it was, and I said, “Oh, probably it was a chupacabra” and he was like “No it was not. What is a chupacadabra.” And I said, “It is a Mexican vampire goat-sucker that may or may not exist. IT IS VERY SCARY. Not chupacadabra. It’s not a magic word. ChupaCABRA.” And he said, “I don’t think it was a chalupacobra, it didn’t even look like a snake OR Mexican food OR a vampire, and there are no goats for it to suck at the wood lot.”)
So we went into THE TENT OF THE CHUPACABRA, and it was filled with grainy photos of things that they said were REAL MONSTERS like the Loch Ness Monster and such, and jars of milky fluid with things floating in them they SAID were like two-headed cows but could really have been anything because the fluid was so opaque, so pretty much C. and I were all sarcastically “OOH AHH”ing everything we saw, because I’d seen more impressive displays at a high-school haunted house. Then we got to the end and there was a chicken-wire cage, and I was all “THERE IS THE CHUPACABRA!” and got very excited. Only there was nothing in the cage. And there was a HUGE HOLE in the bottom of the cage.

The cage looked like this, only the bottom was ALSO chicken-wire. With a chupacabra-sized hole in the bottom.
“Huh. Guess it escaped,” C. said, in a very dry tone, and I got one of the worst cases of giggles I’d ever gotten in my LIFE.
On our way out, the bored ticket-taker guy was telling irate chupacabra-seekers “Oh, SO sorry, I guess the chupacabra ESCAPED, no refunds” and I seriously giggled through the entire rest of the fair. BEST FAIR TRIP EVER. I really have to go back to the fair someday. I love that place. Next summer. When I’m gainfully employed and not a drain on society. I promise, future-Amy! To the fair we will go! Let this post serve as a REMINDER!
Anyway, WHOO, that was the longest intro for a post in the history of EVER. So the other day, I started seeing posts about a MONSTER that had washed ashore in New York City. Well, shit. I like monsters! So much!
The New York Parks Department was all, “this is a pig that someone discarded on the beach after a cookout gone awry” and threw it away, but as you can see in the photo, pigs don’t usually have LONG FIVE-FINGERED FEETSIES, NY Parks Department. What kind of pigs are you cooking and discarding on the beach, you guys?
So now the whole internet’s a’buzzin’ about the Manhattan Monster and what IS it, and is it a CHUPACABRA?!??!? (See, if that damn fair-chupacabra hadn’t escaped, I could help with this identification, ugh, thanks a LOT, fair) but most people that know such things think it’s a dog or a raccoon that was submerged for a long time because apparently that makes all the hair fall off something’s body and it all bloat up and therefore look all gross like this.
(I totally want to call Dad and tell him they found a chupacabra in Manhattan but mostly I know what his response would be: “Of course they did. That place is FULL of Mexican food.”)
Then my investigation into the MANHATTAN MONSTER led me to this: the MONTAUK MONSTER. I’d really be an excellent internet researcher. Is that a job? If so, how do I apply for that?
Apparently back in 2008, this MONSTER was discovered in Montauk (that’s at the tip of Longuyland, you guys, if you want to say it like a local) and it kind of looks like it has a beak, so everyone was (again) all CHUPACABRA (what about “Mexican” goat-sucker vampire beastie is confusing to you all? We are not IN Mexico, why do you think everything is a chupacabra?)…
…but many people were called in to investigate and, again, they decided it was a waterlogged raccoon and it only looked like it had a beak because of decomposition. Again, it disappeared before anyone could do any closer investigation. I call total shenanigans on all this MONSTER-disappearance. I watched a LOT of X-Files in my misguided youth. I KNOW ABOUT GOVERNMENT COVERUPS YOU GUYS.
Then THAT investigative research I did led me to ANOTHER MONSTER. This one’s in Canada. I don’t talk enough about Canada, so I was very pleased that I got to include a CANADIAN monster. Hi, Canadian readers! You have a monster, too!
The CANADIAN monster is called a omajinaakoos (that means “ugly one” and is that not a FANTASTIC word? Yes, yes it is) and it washed ashore in a small town in Northern Ontario called – ready for another gorgeous word? – Kitchenuhmaykoosib in 2010. Here’s what it looked like:
If you click on that link above, the article totally makes me laugh because the title is “‘Monster’ washes ashore in Canada: Is it the Chupacabra? No, it’s probably just a decomposed mink.” Heh. Way to shit on those people’s chupacabra parade, Christian Science Monitor.
So, yeah, AGAIN, everyone was all, “IT IS THE CHUPACABRA!” but also they were all “it is the legendary creature the omajinaakoos!” and people were called in to investigate and they were, AGAIN, all party-poopers and said it was probably a decomposed mink. SIGH. We are NEVER going to find the chupacabra ALL THE WAY NORTH LIKE THIS at this rate.
So what have we learned today, my little cryptozoologist research assistants? Well…um…nothing. No, no. That’s not true. We DID learn that whenever something washes up on the shore, it looks like a chupacabra, no matter WHERE it washes up. Also, that a long submersion in the water does WEIRD-ASS things to a critter. WEIRD-ASS THINGS. Like making them look like chupacabras. And people really, really, REALLY want to believe in chupacabras. So, so badly. But if you happen to be walking along the beach all fleet-footed and fancy-free and come across a gross dead thing, here is my advice for you.
- DO NOT TOUCH IT. Dead things are gross and you don’t know where they’ve been.
- Feel free to take a lot of photos. Photos are awesome and also maybe you can sell them to places and make a little cashola, I don’t know.
- If you can think of a way to keep the dead thing, then do it, but don’t TOUCH the gross dead thing. Like, maybe get a shovel or a doggie bag or something. ’cause, gross. Because if you call the authorities about the dead thing, you’ll never see it again. The authorities are all COVERING THAT SHIT UP. CAHOOTS! CAHOOTERY!
- Do not immediately assume that thing is a chupacabra. You’re going to look like a weirdo. Well, unless you’re in Mexico. Then I guess you can come to that assumption more readily than if you were in, say, New York or a town with an awesome name in Canada.
- Come to Lucy’s Football and tell me all about the dead thing, because I LIVE for this shit. I LOVE IT SO.
- Tell the story of the time you found a super-awesome beach-thing forEVER. That’s your claim to fame now! You’re the dead-creature-finder! You’re FAMOUS*! (*you might not really be famous)
Happy Thursday, explorers of the dark side of science! Keep your eyes peeled! If all else fails, it can’t hurt to play this, my favorite X-Files themed song ever! (Bee tee dubs, Mulder and Scully totally investigated the chupacabra in the episode “El Mundo Gira” but it wasn’t a chupacabra, either. It was an out-of-control athlete’s foot fungus. YOU’RE WELCOME.) Oh, yeah, well, this looks like it’s a Jerry Springer episode but I promise you it’s actually a very very very VERY awesome song. You’ll love it. When have I led you astray, jellybeans?
August 2nd, 2012 at 11:58 am
CHALUPACOBRA!
I love it! Oh, Amy’s dad – you’re the best!
Also, this:
Did I do that right?
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:06 pm
that song was. . . wow. . . it was awful. Just awful.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:11 pm
How mean are you? SO MEAN JIM.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Jim, I didn’t say it was my favourite song, only that it was APPROPRIATE. Dur.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:22 pm
HEY! Don’t get all “dur” with ME! It wasn’t a critique of you! I think you’re switched on! I think you’re the balls!! Cool the motor dude! (i speak in movie quotes)
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:25 pm
I think you’re both the balls. Ick, do I have to? That’s so gross.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:34 pm
don’t be a prude, Amy.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Fine. Balls balls balls balls. Sigh.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:36 pm
hairy balls?
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:42 pm
If you must. I don’t know your life, Jim.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:43 pm
hmmm. . . maybe I should explain
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Explain…balls? I have a rudimentary understanding of them, although it admittedly has been a while since I’ve been in their proximity.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:49 pm
why are we talking about balls again?
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:51 pm
You started this whole ball rolling.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:20 pm
You did do that right and I am listening now!
Dad does not like scary things. Anything scary, he gets SO MAD AT ME. I have a story about a scary thing I should share someday. But it’s kind of mean.
I don’t think it’s terrible. I liked it!
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:05 pm
Hee! I’ve got that song on one of my Amy CDs! Awesome!
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:14 pm
YAY! I love that song!
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I was eating LUNCH, Ame! EATING LUNCH when all those pictures of bloated dog corpses were flashing by my screen. And now I have a belly ache.
I do like Chalupa-cobra. Why did Taco Bell use a damn Chihuahua instead of a chalupa eating cobra??? WAY more clever-er.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:13 pm
What IS a Chalupa? (Shut up, I’m from Europe!)
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:22 pm
It’s like a taco, but with a soft fried shell (well, that’s what they are at Taco Bell, I’m sure in real Mexican food, they’re something much better.) I (I know, I know, everyone feel free to hate me for this) kind of like Taco Bell sometimes, and actually like their chalupas.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:23 pm
http://www.tacobell.com/food/chalupas
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Those are totally chupacabras, not DOGS. Oh, wait, ok, those are maybe raccoons. Or possibly minks. I find it humorous that my spellcheck doesn’t acknowledge that there’s a plural of “raccoon.” Why not? Is there only one raccoon in the world? Well, if so, it’s dead now, see the photos above.
A chalupa-eating-cobra would be AWESOME. And sell way more tacos.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:20 pm
I cannot believe you’re still talking to me even though you’ve made it to the big time in poetry! SQUEEEEE! *fans self*
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:23 pm
Well, I feel like I have to give back to the little people. At least for a few hours a day. The rest of the day, I’m lighting BIG CIGARS with FAT HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS and DRIVING IN MY CADILLAC. As very famous poets do.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:32 pm
raccooni
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:35 pm
That’s probably it. Surprisingly, though, “raccooni” is ALSO showing up as a non-word with my spell-check. WILL NOTHING SATISFY YOU, SPELL-CHECK?
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:11 pm
I would totally believe that the government would cover weird stuff up if it wasn’t for one thing: they’re incompetent. Remember Hanlon’s razor: ‘Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.’
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August 2nd, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Exactly. I can’t believe in a government coverup because I don’t believe they’re intelligent enough to pull it off.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 1:07 pm
I love monsters TOO! My daughter was conceived in a conversion van in the parking lot of our apartment building when we decided to go ghetto camping and hunt for the YETI. True story.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Well? Did you find the yeti? I want to see a yeti.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 2:07 pm
We had a pact that we would do a JagerBomb every time one of us spotted a potential yeti. It dissolved into the following:
Me: YETI!!!! Pour the drinks!
Him: That was a cat.
Me: A suspiciously YETI-SHAPED cat. Pour. The. DRINKS.
And then all of a sudden we were pregnant.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 8:49 pm
That is a most excellent story. I would very much like to go monster-hunting with those rules. Also, I think it would cause the sighting of a LOT more monsters.
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August 3rd, 2012 at 8:05 am
MONSTER!!!
That’s a garbage can.
It’s a MONSTER garbage can!
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August 2nd, 2012 at 6:50 pm
That is AMAZING. I can’t decide whether I want you to never tell your daughter or tell her all the time forever.
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August 3rd, 2012 at 8:02 am
RIGHT? I’m pretty sure that story will be the toast at her wedding.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I don’t know about monsters, except for the ones that used to live underneath my bed when I was little, but they’ve gone now, so I’m safe, but I wanted to say that I bought your book (Kindle, I must admit, because Amazon Germany didn’t give me the choice to buy a hard copy, or I’m stupid, that is a possibility), anyway, I’ve read three poems so far and I like, like, like them and I wanted to say that I believe that poets are far braver than ordinary writers, because poetry is so much more personal than any other kind of writing because you can’t hide as well behind your characters, so you’re both brave and a good writer and look at how long this sentence is, I’ll make it end now.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 2:02 pm
It’s not in paperback on Amazon – only through Lulu, here – but thank you for buying it however you did! I’m so glad you’re enjoying it! And I agree – the two types of writing I’m drawn to – poetry and non-fictiony essay-type writing – are the two where you’re really putting yourself out there (well, at least the way I do it, I know there are other people who don’t put as much of themselves into it, and I wish I could be one of those people, sometimes!) But, anyway, THANK YOU! for buying it, and I hope you enjoy it all the way through!
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August 2nd, 2012 at 6:55 pm
I made it halfway through the post thinking you were silly because duh I’ve seen a bunch of chupacabras, actually mostly at fairs as well. And then? I realized I was thinking of capybaras. Not the same. http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wvFNX3VitBc/TVqznx9X_YI/AAAAAAAAAuc/srwDIMNnCYE/s1600/capybara2.jpg
I was excited to tell you about the Canadian monster but your internet research skillz are truly impressive!
Any time a “monster” is found, I always assume it’s a malformed version of its species and its family drowned it or exiled it because they’re horribly judgey.
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August 2nd, 2012 at 8:48 pm
I wish you’d seen all the chupacabras! Then you could be the Lucy’s Football CRYPTOZOOLOGY EXPERT! :)
Those poor monsters. All gross and dead and everyone’s staring at them and calling them names. So sad.
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