An open letter of apology to London

Dear London:

Listen, I’m really sorry.

The other night, #MittShambles started trending on Twitter. I’m usually really out of it, news-wise, so I of course had to research what the latest Mitt-tastrophe was.

Guys! YOU GUYS! I gots me a street named after me, yo!

Oh, holy hell, London. I am so, so embarrassed. Seriously, I’m glad I don’t have to look any of you in the eye today, because I’d be as red as a beet.

Oh, so embarrassed.

Oh, wait, maybe some people are as out of it as I am, news-wise, and are wondering what went down. Because I love you, I’ll fill you in.

On Thursday, Mitt Romney (who will be running as the Republican Presidential candidate here in MERKA later this year) went to London. It was ostensibly as a fundraiser – there are a lot of rich American Republican businessmen living and working in London, and he was having a $75,000 a plate fundraiser for them (or, I guess, for himself) – but while there, he decided to show the Londoners what it would be like once he’s elected President, by doing some speechifying, and some interviews, and meeting with some fancy London bigwigs. Easy enough, right?

$75,000 a plate? Better come with a home, a hot man, and a European tour, buddy.

Oh, no, not at all easy. Not at ALL easy. Yikes.

Listen, I’m not great in front of people. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I often start running off at the mouth because my nerves get the better of me, and I say very stupid things that are not at all indicative of me as a person. I think a lot of people do that. It’s not just me. I’ve seen more than enough bad speeches to know I’m not the only one petrified in front of people saying stupid things. That said: the man is trying to be the leader of the United States. THE WHOLE UNITED STATES. OF MERKA. You kind of have to be good at speeching to lead the country.

In case you’re not aware, the Olympics are going on in London. Well, when Romney was there, they were about to begin. They were one day away. FURTHERMORE, in case you were ALSO not aware, Mitt Romney was the chief executive of the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics in 2002. So Romney, I guess, thought it was ok that he got all judgey-judgey about the way the London Olympics were being run and set up and such. You know. As you do. When you’re trying to make a good impression in a foreign country.

Bill. Aw, Bill. Remember the speeches he used to give? *swoon*

Shit, did I mention how embarrassed I am, London? Let me reiterate. I’m so embarrassed. So, so embarrassed.

So first, Romney started saying shit like the London Olympics might be in trouble because of security concerns, and that it was “hard to know just how well it will turn out.”

He also said there were “a few things that were disconcerting” about the Olympic preparations. “The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, supposed strike of immigration and customs officials, that obviously is not something which is encouraging.”

And then I just…kept talking? And talking. And talking some more.

UNGH, ROMNEY, MAYBE YOU COULD JUST SHUT IT NOW? NO? THERE’S MORE? EFF.

(In news of the BURN!, David Cameron – he’s the Prime Minister, come on, you know this – said “We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.” HA HA! Listen, the Brits are pretty polite. This is a TOTAL burn. This would be like if a MERKAN said “SUCK IT ROMNEY YOU PODUNK ASSMUNCH.” Only with more middle-fingering. And we’d probably shoot him in the face.)

Good one, Cameron!

Then Romney was all “oh, oh shit, did I do that?” and backpedaled with a sweeping “um um um any little boo-boos will be overshadowed by the extraordinary demonstrations of courage, character and determination by the athletes.” (Everything in that sentence up until “overshadowed” I made up. Also, that’s not an apology or even a backpedal. That’s a privileged kid who doesn’t know how to say he’s sorry who realized people are mad at him attempting to save face. And failing. Miserably.)

I kind of imagine it like this, only without the awesomeness of Fred Willard or “A Mighty Wind.”

In additional news of the “what the eff?” Romney also:

  • forgot the name of Ed Miliband, the leader of the Labour Party, and in order to save face, called him “Mr. Leader” (his name wasn’t like Muhammad Hosni El Sayed Mubarak or something. It was ED, for the love of Pete. You can’t remember Ed? You high or something, Romney?)

    It’s ED, Mr. Romney. ED. TWO EFFING LETTERS.

  • Met with the leaders of MI6, but obviously was SO STOKED that he got to sit at the cool kids table for two minutes and maybe also thought he was in maybe a James Bond movie that he TOLD EVERYONE. I wasn’t aware of this, but apparently MI6 is England’s Fight Club? And you all know the first rule of that, right? Shit, Romney. I’m pretty sure Goldfinger’s under your bed right now or something ready to suspend you over a tank full of sharks while he tells you about all of his evil plans and schemes, giving you time to escape, if you’re wise enough to use it. (Isn’t Goldfinger a James Bond badguy? The one with the scary grill? He is, right? I think I remember Dad making me watch that once. OH SHIT FINE I looked it up and his name was “Jaws” and he was from the movie The Spy Who Loved Me. I really dislike James Bond movies. They’re all the same to me.)

    I AM COMING FOR YOU ROMNEY.

    Also, I guess there’s another secret service called MI5, and he also met with them, and one of Romney’s advisers spilled the beans about that, too. (I’m getting the feeling that a., maybe all these secret societies shouldn’t meet with any yahoo running for president of MERKA, and b., Romney and his people were totally narcs in high school. Or hall monitors or something. Something asshatty.)

  • He also said he was really looking forward to watching volleyball from the “backside” of Downing Street which made a lot of British people giggle because that totally means bum, you guys. BUM! (Also, who even uses backside in that sense? Weird. Unless it’s a rich person thing. Is it a rich person thing? I wouldn’t know. Romney would.)

    Here is the backside of a hedgehog. Hee! Backside!

  • One of his advisors said that Obama didn’t understand America and Europe’s shared “Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Some news outlets are saying that Romney himself said this; some are saying an advisor said it. Either way: RACIST, YO. Because Obama’s got African-American heritage, he can’t understand the troubles we seen, can’t understand our sorrow? Please excuse me while I laugh myself into a hernia.

Londoners were really, really disgusted with Romney.

OK, London? Listen. I’m so sorry. I want to make it very clear: MITT ROMNEY DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL OF US.

Mitt Romney is a bullying rich boy. (Seriously, if you take nothing serious from this entire post, click on that link and read it. And then share it with people who vote in America. Yeah, it’s a story for another blog, one closer to election, I’ll talk more about it then – but we’re one election away from this man being our president, my fellow Merkans. Someone who not only bullied gay teens in school, but someone upon whom it made NO IMPACT. He DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER DOING IT. He calls it “pranks and high jinks.”) Someone on Twitter the other day compared him to a middle-aged Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. I don’t know if there’s been a more apt comparison since he poked his Whac-a-Mole head out of the ground to try to be the next GREAT BIG LEADER OF MERKA.

Put your head back in your hole, Mole. We don’t need you here. We have a hammer in case you pop up again. Whack. Whack.

I’m so sorry he came to your lovely city in the middle of your lovely country and he shit all over you while you were preparing for this gigantic event that you’re probably all nervous about. I’m so sorry that some of you are all “you bloody Americans!” and all stompy-stomp and giving us dirty looks. I’m so, so sorry.

We’re really not all that backward and embarrassing. I promise. Gah, I’m just beyond embarrassed. HE DOES NOT SPEAK FOR ALL OF US.

I just found this a few minutes ago. Apparently, Romney’s not going to apologize. It’s all on me. (Did you all know about this?)

NO APOLOGIES! THE GREATNESS OF MERKA!!!!!1!

I have no idea how the election’s going to shake out. I really don’t. I’m petrified about it, to tell you the truth. Because I don’t want a gay-bashing, jingoistic, bullying, glad-handing rich boy running my country. Please don’t think I do, London. As much as all of you, I wish he’d never opened his mouth when he was across the pond; he makes all of us look bad.

I lived in London for 5 months in college. Your city was a city of wonder. There was always something to see and do and it was so bustling and so thriving and so beautiful and I wish I hadn’t been so homesick because I would have been able to appreciate it more. You have wonderful theater and actors and movies and art and architecture and history (and oh, oh, oh, how much do I miss being able to stop into the store and buy a Flake bar whenever I want one? SIGH) and I’d give my EYETEETH to go back and visit you again now that I’m wise enough to look at all you have to offer with my grown-up, much less eye-rolly…um…well, eyes, I guess.

I’m seriously drooling right now.

Please don’t judge us by our most asshatty denizens. We have such better people to offer.

Please accept my most abject apologies. If it helps at all, I am happy to come over. I would remember Mr. Miliband’s name, I would totally zip my lip about meeting with your secret agent men, I’d never mock your abilities to have the Olympics there (because, honestly, I don’t know anything about the Olympics) and I would totally never mention the ass-side of your buildings. I can be a lady when I need to be. Totally can. I think you’ll see I’d be an EXCELLENT ambassador of awesome. I’d leave and you’d be all “GO GO MERKA!” and it would be the best thing ever.

Send that plane ticket on over. I’d be happy to stay at a mid-range hotel. The chocolates on the pillow don’t have to be that fancy. I’d settle for a Flake bar.

And listen, London: I’m so sorry. Seriously. Here is black and white picture of Benedict Cumberbatch with facial hair. He is one of my favorite products of yours. Can you look at him and be mad at us? Can you really? I can’t. I look at him and my mad-feelings just melt away. Just meeeeellllltttt away.

With all the apologies in the world, plus a few more, and a very red face,

Love, Me.

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

22 responses to “An open letter of apology to London

  • sj

    zomg $75,000 a plate?! Wow, this is some bullshit. Seriously, that’s more than the average Merkan family will make in a year – in a lot of cases that’s TWO YEARS of income. See? That’s disgusting.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      It amazes me the amount of money it costs to run a presidential campaign. (Not in his defense or anything, just as an observation.) It kind of makes me sad that there might be people out there better-suited for the position, but without the contacts/money to run a successful campaign, so we’d never know. (For example, I think a president who’s not from money, not OF money, might understand the needs of the American people more, you know? He/she could have advisers who helped him/her understand the PAIN OF THE RICH – but I don’t know that you could ever understand what it feels like to be poor unless you’ve been there. You can THINK you know, but unless you’ve felt that desperation, that fear of not knowing if you could keep your roof over your head, where your next meal was coming from – you really never quite get it.)

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    I wish there were Flake bars here in Finland. Then I’d send you a bunch. Although they would probably melt in the summer heat.. :(

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      They totally would. My parents went to England about 5 years ago, and my mom brought me a CASE of them home. I made them last about a year. It was one of the best gifts I’ve ever received. :)

      Like

  • mylifeisthebestlife

    This makes me a little bit proud to be Canadian. Not that out people don’t do jack-assy stuff, they just didn’t do THAT jack-assy stuff.

    Like

  • John

    I’ll say one thing for Mitt, he achieved the remarkable feat of making me inwardly shriek ‘Go Dave!’ in response to Cameron’s put-down.
    Don’t worry, by the way. We thought Mitt was blinkin’ hilarious. It was a good joke, but send us the real candidate over now, please?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I’m glad SOMEONE thought he was hilarious. I was MORTIFIED.

      By the “real” candidate, I hope you mean Obama, and not the real Republican candidate. Because…Romney is the real Republican candidate. I KNOW. (Slightly in our defense, the other front-runners for the position were worse, if that’s even possible.)

      (Slightly off-topic – do UK-ers not like Cameron? Is that a thing most people know? I’m not the most up on these things.)

      Like

      • John

        Yes, sadly I’m all too aware that large parts of the US are seriously considering voting for that imbecile. I can understand your embarrassment, but most of us are aware that he doesn’t represent all of you. I hope our mockery might have done you some favours in persuading a few people that donning the clown shoes again might not be the best of ideas.

        The Tories got about 35% of the vote at the election (hence the coalition with the Lib Dems) in opposition to a declining Labour government & I think that’s a fair illustration of Cameron’s current popularity. Interestingly, the Tories are pretty close to the US democrats politically, which shows the difference in the political centre between UK & US.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          We can only hope that this helps change some minds. Otherwise, we’ve got a long 4 years ahead of us.

          Is Cameron bad? Or do people just not like him? Now I feel kind of bad for him. I always root for the underdog. It’s my curse.

          Like

          • John

            Well, he’s politically centre-right and I’m something of a socialist, so he’s not my cup of tea. However he’s not batshit crazy terrifying like the US republicans. IMO, he’s more palatable than his party, but a bit of a lightweight with some dubious friends. He’s probably still the most popular party leader right now although Ed Milliband of Labour is gaining ground.

            Like

            • lucysfootball

              I decided I like ol’ Ed. He’s a handsome man. And I like to imagine his face when Romney forgot his name. It makes me laugh.

              Ooh, “dubious friends!” That is SHADY. And kind of delicious. I like that.

              Like

  • Heather

    While on foreign soil, he also announced that if he is elected president, he will take us to war with Iran. This man is just full of hugs and butterflies. UGH.

    Like

  • Samantha

    I seriously don’t understand how anyone in their right mind would want to vote for him. This blatant stupidity that he’s shown since before he was selected as Republican candidate, his mountain of -isms, and complete apparent lack of common sense or tact just blows my mind. I mean seriously? You guys REALLY want this guy?

    The thing that scares me is that he has enough money backing him to get him into office. That’s what scares me more than anything. Because even the people who hate Obama, I would hope they’d see he’s still the logical choice out of the two.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The people who hate Obama REALLY hate Obama. There’s been an excellent campaign of hate-speech waged against him over the past 4 years. One of my favorite people (whose name I will omit out of respect) is one of those people, and he thinks Obama is responsible for everything from genocide to the bad economy to how high his taxes are to the fact that there are potholes in his road. And where did he see all of this? On “the news” (Fox News, of course.)

      I think it’s going to be a close election, but I couldn’t tell you who’s going to win it. That scares the hell out of me.

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Yes, if I can add my apology to yours, I’d like to say, “London? Ditto: so sorry.” Politics have never been more frightening, and I have been voting for 38 years. Side note: I hate it when I write things like that and then I have to go breathe in a paper bag until I acclimate to the knowledge of how old I am. This it totally off-topic, but true.

    Like

  • blogginglily

    That benedict dude looks shady. And his eyes are a little crossy lookin’. I don’t like him.

    Mitt just comes across. . . like an oaf. Like a big dull rich oaf. I’ve watched his debates. . . I cringe when he speaks. He’s the next W. And maybe he’s even smart or even REALLY smart. . . I don’t know. I have to kind of doubt it.

    Obama speaks very well, and as much ‘good’ as his presence does in office, maybe that’s what we need. . . someone who represents Merka well by speaking eloquently. Because Obama has obviously done zip for “Hope” or “Change” but neither would Romney. At least with Obama people wouldn’t be laughing at Merka because our leader is a dumbass.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      GASP! Not my Cumberbatch! No no! He is PERFECTION!

      Our choices are not great this year, are they? For me, it’s choosing who’s less scary. The answer (for me, at least) is Obama. Romney scares the crap out of me. And at least I agree with Obama on the social issues, and I can’t say that for Romney.

      Gah, remember how embarrassing it was when Dubya was president and I didn’t want to look anyone in the eye? I don’t want that again. I hate being embarrassed to be an American.

      Like

  • elaine4queen

    it’s okay, we know!

    your flake bar awaits your attention.

    Like

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