We major in foolishness here.

Let’s talk about happy things today. We all need some happy, right? Right.

Right after the Aurora shootings last week (shh, I know that’s not happy, we’re getting to the happy) there was a petition circulated online to get Christian Bale to visit the victims in the hospital. I saw that and thought, “Nah, that’s not going to happen. Christian Bale’s kind of an asshat.” Because remember when he was all shouty on that movie set that time and all “Am I going to walk around and rip your effing lights down, in the middle of a scene? Then why the eff are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background?” So I was fairly sure that Christian “Ranty McRant Rant” Bale wasn’t going to make a trip to Colorado and visit people in the hospital. He was probably too busy being angry and throwing shit, I don’t know.

I was pleasantly surprised to see this not too long afterward.

He not only went to Aurora and visited with the victims and the staff of the hospitals, and went to the memorial site to pay his respects, he did this not at the direction of his production company, but on his own: “‘Mr. Bale is there as himself, not representing Warner Brothers,’ said an assistant to Susan Fleishman, the executive vice president for corporate communications at Warner Bros.”

That’s class, right there. Yeah, sure, it’s good PR for him – especially as someone who needs some good PR after that ranty old rant – but he didn’t have to do it. And he still did. It had to be hard for him, but he did it anyway. This had to mean a lot to the victims. PR op or not, it was a nice move on his part.

I meant to talk about this back when it came out, but, well, you know, life got in the way and shit. And now I have all the time! And remembered it! You probably all saw this. You should watch it again. It is infinitely cheering, and also makes me a little sad because aw, childhood!

Also, it’s nice that this is the first example where autotune didn’t make me want to gouge my ears out with chopsticks. Also, aw, remember Daniel Striped Tiger? I loved him.

I did not love Henrietta Pussycat as much, because she was all “meow meow MEOW meow” and that made me nervous.

I don’t remember these puppets looking so frazzled when I was little.

I also used to be petrified – PETRIFIED – of Lady Elaine Fairchilde and her strange facial issues which now that I’m old I think are rosacea.

…or maybe end-stage alcoholism.

Lady Elaine had a weapon called the Boomerang Toomerang Soomerang. Why did anyone in a magical land need a weapon? Oh, wait, it wasn’t supposed to be a weapon? Well, it always scared the shit out of me.

Here’s the scary-ass boomerang. It made shit DISAPPEAR and it was FRIGHTENING.

I never understood why creepy Lady Elaine had to be in the Land of Makebelieve because she was very obviously some sort of scary witch, and the rest of those people were nice enough. I mean, King Friday was kind of a dick, but royalty often are that way. There’s not a lot you can do about that. They’re all privileged and such. It comes with the crown.

King Friday & Queen Sara. Did you know King Friday’s full name is King Friday the Thirteenth? That’s worrisome.

In looking back at this, without realizing it, Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood really was an earlier version of Pee Wee’s Playhouse, wasn’t it? I got my first dose of severe weirdness super-early.

I mean, if the whole Playhouse wasn’t a Land of Makebelieve, I don’t know what it was.

Also, if you happen to go to the Mister Rogers IMDb page, and look at the quotes, you might get the giggles about how sexually-charged some of the dialogue is, accidentally. It was a quieter time, my little marshmallow peeps. A gentler time. A time in which you could say things like “insert it in my hole!” and no one thought twice about it. Now, it makes us giggle hysterically. Is is better now? Worse? I don’t know. I sure do like my cell phone, and there are a lot more good television shows on to watch than there were when I was a kid. (I used to be SO MAD when the television went off the air at the end of the day. Television all day long = proof that things are going to be ok. Especially for those of us who cannot sleep.)

Let’s see. What else is happy. It really has been a little-black-raincloud week, hasn’t it? It’s not just me. Other people are noticing this, too. I think there’s something in the air. Do you know who I blame? Well, do you?

I put a SPELL on you, Amy! And Amy’s people! HA HA HA!

YES. He has put a happiness-hit out on the WORLD. Or just on all of my people, because he knows I’ve been mocking him. Well! This will not stand, I can tell you that right now. DO YOU HEAR ME TOOTHY? IT WILL NOT STAND. It is not MY fault your wife left you because you’re a crazyperson and she doesn’t want anything more to do with you and she took away your child and now you’re dating some other woman like FIVE SECONDS LATER and she looks like she was genetically created in a lab to the specifications of “generic pretty ethnic girl.”

She looks like stock footage, doesn’t she?

Toothy! Why can’t you be alone for like five minutes? What is wrong with you that you can’t have five minutes of time to yourself? Also, how have you put a spell on me and my people and made us all miserable? Well, maybe not ALL, I still have some people who are really cheerful, but they’re always cheerful. But a lot of people are super-grumpy! Because I think you’ve hit them with a JOYSUCKER RAY of some sort! Probably something that was created by your cult. Listen, you cut that out. I know you’re mad at me, but there’s no reason to take it out on my people, too. CUT THAT OUT TOOTHY MCTOOTH-TOOTH.

To cheer us ALL up, the kickass Cara sent me the following tweet earlier which made me beyond happy:

YAY HONEY BADGER! Not a single shit was given. NOT EVEN A SINGLE SHIT.

OK, off I go. I know! This is so short! Sorry, cinnamon rolls, have many many many things to do. Job searching and such. Errands. Have to make myself leave the house. Starting working at my part-time job full-time tomorrow. Love all your faces. Happy weekend!

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

22 responses to “We major in foolishness here.

  • sj



    Also scared of wottserface the puppet because she reminded me of MADAM, who was the most terrifying. I actually have another story to tell you, but it is NSFL, so remind me to email it to you later.


    • lucysfootball

      Ugh, don’t even. MADAM! SO SO BAD!

      I have to email you right now to remind you to tell me that story, although I’m kind of scared. Are there puppets? One of my FB friends put up a story about a church guy who was a pedophile and a killer but also a ventriloquist and there was a picture of a ventriloquist’s dummy and I’ve been trying to work up the courage to click on it ALL NIGHT tonight. *shudder*


  • Jericha Senyak (@JerichaSenyak)

    Oh, god, I needed this. I woke up this morning to a bunch of Facebook comments earnestly trying to assert that the rates of violence and poverty among black Americans are entirely due to black men impregnating and then not marrying black women. I had to call a bunch of people racist asshats and I really, REALLY try not to do that because it’s a conversation-ender but what the hell can you say to somebody who says that? I mean, they’re not going to understand LOGIC. So realizing that it’s ALL TOM CRUISE’S FAULT was very heartening. Also, Christian Bale NOT being an asshat. And puppets. Phew. There’s hope for us.


    • lucysfootball

      It’s a good possibility Tom Cruise made those people make those comments. From now on, Tom Cruise is my go-to when something weird or bad happens.

      There’s totally hope for us. All of us. Except Tom Cruise.

      Really? That’s why the violence and poverty rates are so high? Huh. Well, guess that person solved THAT. Alert the media!


  • Rosie

    I can’t even read the rest of your post right now because the Mister Rogers video made me cry like a baby. Actually, like an adult, with snot and choking and stuff. I’ll be back later.


  • Samantha

    I’ve heard that Christian Bale like really, really, really hates the media. So I have not seen the ranty mcrant rant incident, but if it had to do with the media it kind of makes sense. But I was SO PROUD that he went to see the victims. He kind of just showed up. And like you said, he totally didn’t have to do that. I think that the victims of the shooting probably were really appreciative of that. SO COOL. Okay I’m done. :)

    I sadly never watched Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. Then again, I barely watched any television when I was younger. Only things I really remember watching are Looney Tunes and Tom and Jerry. I know i watched Sesame Street at some point but…don’t remember. :P


    • lucysfootball

      No, he went off on a lighting guy on set for (I think?) that Terminator movie for getting (I think? it’s been a little while) in the scene when he was acting. It was VERY SHOUTY!!!

      Aw, Mr. Rogers was great. He was all about the kids. (Not in an creepy way.) He was all about imagination, and he showed you how things worked without talking down to kids, and he sang without it being weird, and he was smiley and so kind. It was a great show. You felt like you could count on him.


  • @MegsGranger

    Aw…poor Christian Bale. He just can’t live down that rant, can he? In his defense, what people don’t usually remember is that the scene they were shooting when this happened is THE most emotional scene in the movie for Bale’s character…and the lighting dude was a repeat offender. So this was one of those “last straw” moments captured on tape sans any context whatsoever. And I’m sure having gotten into this AGONY MY LIFE IS AWFUL AND EVERYONE KEEPS DYING DRAMATICALLY AND THE ROBOTS ARE TAKING OVER AND THEY HAVE NO COMPASSION mind-set for the camera, he had all this raw emotion that transitioned quite handily into ripping the lighting guy a new arsehole. And that’s probably why he insisted on going right back into the scene…so he could use his fresh RAAAAAGE in the scene.

    And now I’ve done my “defend a celebrity’s ill-advised actions” good deed for the day. Someone else will have to speak up for Tom Cruise…I got nothin’ for him.


    • lucysfootball

      I don’t think anyone’s got anything for Cruise. He’s pretty indefensible.

      Yeah, I get that…and that Bale is a total method-actor (apparently he’s one of those “don’t talk to me as Bale, talk to me as ‘insert character here’ when I’m working” people – some actors get results that way, some don’t, and my opinion on that is just that, an opinion, as my non-professional career as an actor was short and not very critically-lauded) but I had to feel bad for the lighting guy, as a techie myself. I’ve been on the receiving end of actor-crazy. It’s not a good place to be. They’re the talent. You have to just take it, because if they leave, you’re screwed. It’s not a good situation.


      • @MegsGranger

        I worry about that lighting guy, too…I don’t THINK he got fired? But he probably went in the bathroom and cried for a little.

        My husband is a TV/film actor here in L.A., so anything I think I know (barely anything at all) is secondhand through him. But HE seems to think that method actors (MOST actors, even) are crazy-nuts. And I tend to agree. I mean, Daniel-Day Lewis? CRAZY-nuts. But also brilliant. I suppose that’s their cross to bear.


        • lucysfootball

          I’m with you. I don’t know any that aren’t crazy-nuts. Some of them get really good results with it; some not so much. (The ones that do get good results get AMAZING results. I mean, also Marlon Brando! Sigh.) However, the best actor I know in the area – I mean, the BEST, you watch this guy, and he IS the characters, no matter who the characters are, you laugh and you cry, he’s absolutely brilliant – I’ve gotten the chance to work with him and he gets those results without that nonsense. He gets offstage, and he’s still somewhat in the zone, of course, but he can talk to you like a normal human. If you say his name, he answers. He can discuss things that are going on in life. So I don’t know that it’s necessary, if you can get results without it. But I guess some people need it? Honestly, I have to wonder if it’s a crutch for some people (or, as mentioned, just a sign of some sort of deeper mental illness.)


  • jbrown3079

    Toothy. Yep that sums him up. I bet even the most devoted control freaks look at Toothy and wonder if he will lighten up just a little. Like most tiny people, he spends his life over- compensating for his lack of height.


    • lucysfootball

      Sadly, I think the tiny-person thing is true. I don’t know too many short people (well, men, anyway) who are very nice people. Why is that? Who cares how tall you are? I think it’s far more likely people dislike you for being an asshat than for being height-challenged.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    There is this character in the book Pattern Recognition by William Gibson who is described as a slightly round Tom Cruise with what appears to be way too many perfectly formed teeth in his mouth. What was his name? Hubertus, I think. Hubertus Bigend, the founder of Blue Ant advertising agency. Belgian. Nice guy. Very rich. Probably not someone an odontophobe would like to meet, however.


  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    I liked Mr. Rogers much better as an adult when I was trying to coax my kids to watch him, than I did when I was a kid and thought he was trying to subliminally mellow me out. I didn’t want to be mellowed. Now all I want is mellowing. My father-in-law has a tendency to state the obvious, e.g.”Well, Lynnette, I see you are up for the day,” which makes me want to curtsey and say, “Correct as usual, King Friday.”


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