Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 6)

I bet you knew this was coming today, didn’t you? You’re like a whole little gang o’psychics. We should start a business where we go around and solve crimes. Like a psychic Scooby Gang. We’re going to need a bigger van, though. I get totally claustrophobic. Maybe it’s best I ride in my own van, and you all are in your own van. So we’ll have two vans. I’ll choose one or two of you to be in my van with me every day, but NO MORE THAN THAT. Otherwise I’ll have trouble breathing. No joke. 


So, in case you don’t remember, here’s a quick rundown of what’s going on here. Shut up, some people need a rundown. I have new readers. I do! I totally do. Like, maybe FOUR of them this WHOLE MONTH! That aren’t even spammers or NOTHIN’! Because the search terms posts tend to be insanely long, I break them up into two posts: an open letter to people who find my blog accidentally (that’s yesterday’s post, in case you have goldfish-memory) and a post with just the QUESTIONS that drive people to my blog. And I give advice, and I answer your questions, and then we’re like the best of friends. The BEST of friends. Until the end of all times. ALL the times. Won’t that be great? Sure it will!

So, yet again! 

Welcome to…  

Kind-of-sort-of Ask Lucy.  

Subtitled: I CAN ANSWER THAT!  

These are all ACTUAL SEARCH TERMS that brought people to my blog. So these people totally need my help, obviously, because they came to Google SEARCHING FOR HELP. And they obviously didn’t find it, because they ended up here. And that’s sad. They’re like the lost tribes of Israel, all…um…wandering…through…some sort of…desert…I don’t know anything about those tribes. I think I might be in over my head here.


can an employer insist that you turn in your cell phone every day Well, I guess employers can do whatever they want, or they can fire you, you know? I mean, short of beating the shit out of you or sexually harassing you or something. What are you going to do, tell your  employer “NO YOU CAN’T HAVE IT! NOT MA BEBEH!” You’re going to look like a big weird weirdo and you’re probably going to get fired for something else. Is it an asshole thing for an employer to do? Yes. Yes, it is. At my part-time job, we are not allowed to have our phones on or out in the building. If we’re caught with them on or out, we can be immediately let go. It’s happened before. So, yeah. Some places are totally fascist about cell phones, some aren’t. Some, that I won’t name, let SOME employees have them out all the time, and some have to have them put away or they get officially reprimanded, because the office in question plays favorites and when certain employees leave that workplace at the end of the night, they wish it would burn down overnight out of spite. I mean, I don’t know any workplaces like that. That’s a total hypothetical. So I guess my answer is…yeah, probably. Sorry, your workplace is the suck. You’re welcome, start looking for a new job.

Douchecanoes, all.

where can I find a caracal for sale in illinois I’m not even going to look that up for you. Listen, you are aware what a caracal IS, right? It’s a WILD ANIMAL. NOT A PET. It eats MEAT. Guess what you are? YOU ARE MEAT. That caracal is not going to curl up with you and purr and be your BFF kitteh. That caracal is going to EAT YOUR EFFING FACE RIGHT THE EFF OFF. Listen, usually I’m all blah blah blah letting shit roll off my back, but I feel very strongly about wild animals not being pets. They are WILD ANIMALS. If you want a pet, get a domesticated animal. There are plenty of them that need homes, and that caracal wants to remain in the wild. So LEAVE HIM THERE. You’re welcome, STOP THAT.    


what do I do because I caught wife masterbating to 50 shades of greyOh, are you kidding right now? OK, first, you learn how to spell “masturbating.” Second, are you telling me, are you really telling me, you never jerk the gherkin? Really? OK, there must be something totally wrong with you. Little-talked about fact is that everyone masturbates, bub. And if they say they don’t, they’re either lying or broken. (Or religious. I file that shit under “broken.”) Now, I’m not going to judge about what she’s chosen as erotic literature – my thoughts on that (ugh) “literature” have been documented – but if it gets her off? Good for her. And you’re not allowed to be upset.


Maybe what turns you on is, oh, shit, I don’t know, Mad About You reruns because you have a Helen Hunt thing, or seeing a woman wear pantyhose with a seam up the back of the leg. We all have our kinks, bub. It’s the way of the world. Also, being in a relationship or being married doesn’t mean you stop masturbating forever. There’s not a limited number of times you get to rub one out, and your significant other isn’t the only outlet for your sexual desire. You should be pleased you have a wife open enough with her body and her sexuality that she masturbates freely, to be frank. Tell her how much you love her and maybe get to makin’ some love. You’re welcome, don’t be judgey.      

what is a clear capsule with green powder Take it and see. My guess is probably sea monkeys, but no pain, no gain. You’re welcome, have fun with sea monkeys in your tummy.       

We are SWIMMING in your TUMMY!

do secret assassins have regular jobs like me and you This is one for Ken. Ken, do you have a regular job like…me, I guess? My job’s pretty bad. I don’t think my job’s a good indicator. And Ken’s various jobs (assassining notwithstanding) are pretty uniformly awesome, so his awesomeness makes up for my suckitude. Anyway, Ken, you’re needed to help! Oh, probably to bring Ken out of hiding I have to say the secret word. Or words. Um…let’s see. Hey, Ken! How about you come on over to Lucy’s Football and…um….throw some pottery. (Pretty nice one, right? That euphemism could cover a lot of bases.) You’re welcome, I hope Ken is the most helpful.

in fifty shades of grey what does ust mean? It means “unresolved sexual tension,” and outside of this book, no one no one NO ONE has ever said “ust” in a conversation. Not ever. You’re welcome, that book sucks.     

is there poisons in wallpaper paste There used to be arsenic, but there isn’t anymore, obviously. What with the Food and Drug Administration watching over everything we do, arsenic is no longer mixed into wallpaper paste. I’m honestly not sure why it ever was. It seems like such an odd choice. You’re welcome, sorry you’ll have to find another way to kill your loved ones now.  

I have a weird thing for old bottles. What’s up with that, me?

what can cause a smell of bananas in my kitchen I’m thinking…bananas? You’re welcome, you might want to look into this little theory called Occam’s Razor.

WHY do I keep smelling BANANAS? What could that BE?

what do i sing to my dad for his birthday? “Baby Got Back.” Nothing better. You’re welcome.        

what does “slam bam thank you ma’am” mean I’ve never heard “slam bam thank you ma’am.” I’ve heard “wham bam thank you ma’am.” Is that the same thing? I don’t know if it means something other than what I think it means, but what I’ve always thought it meant was really fast, unfulfilling sex, and then the asshole brags about it. I’m not sure, is there something else the kids are using this for nowadays? Is it like a nickname for a designer sex position or something? I’m old, I don’t know these things. You’re welcome, I’m not overly helpful here.           

what does a nerd look like Pretty sure, from what I read online, like half the population of the world self-identify as a nerd. So I guess look at a friend, and if you’re not a nerd, that friend is? And then you’ll know what a nerd looks like. Or look at my avatar, and that’s what a nerd looks like. You’re welcome, this is an odd question.

This is what you THINK nerds look like but there aren’t many of these people around. They’re an endangered species.

when do i see cover for my book I’d think…um…ask your publisher? Mine sent me a JPEG of mine as soon as it was ready for me to look at it. I don’t know about YOUR book. Did you really write a book? Or are you pretending? You’re welcome, I guess. This is also quite strange.

what to do when someone says forget we happened Ooh, ouch. Yeah, that’s tough. This isn’t the answer you’re going to want – you probably want me to say “he/she will change his/her mind” but in all actuality, if he/she said that, you don’t want them back, anyway. They’re an asshole. You can do better. “Forget we happened” is pretty effing final, you know? It’s also impossible – to forget, anyway. At least right at first. So do your best to move on, and find someone who will appreciate your awesomeness, and keep telling yourself anyone who says “forget we happened” isn’t worth a single one of your braincells. Not even a one. You’re welcome. I’m sorry.  

One time I burned a whole bunch of photos of an ex in a sink. It was very cathartic. And it smelled like death.

where can you see otters The zoo? In the wild, if you’re totally lucky enough to live somewhere there are otters all hanging out being adorable in the wild? On the interwebs? On nature programs about otters? I think your options are pretty varied, here. Use your big ol’ brain. You’re welcome, otters are really kickass.  

Look, if you go to Sea World? BEBEH OTTERZZZZ!

where do all the lonely hang out on the web? Aw, “all the lonely?” That’s kind of poetic and also kind of stolen from a Beatles song. I think there are lonely people anywhere you go on the internet. We’re all a little lonely, aren’t we? If you’re asking this, you probably are, too. I’m sorry. What’s awesome is, if you’re open to it, the interwebs are a kickass place to make friends and connections and such, so it should help. Also, I hear real-life friendships are pretty awesome, too. Maybe look into those. You’re welcome, don’t be sad.

why did the psychopath choose white and clear drink? I remember this question, but there’s no science behind it. I think some dude just made it up. Don’t stress it too much. I like water and milk just fine but I’m not murdering kittens. All’s well, jellybean. You’re welcome, I’m sure you’re not a crazy.

why people run their mouths because of something you posted on facebook Oh, well, listen. Did you post a stupid emo status that was just posted to get yourself attention, and now that you’re GETTING attention, you’re all “why am I getting attention?” Or did you put something up like “me and my new boyfriend are SO HAPPY” and your ex-boyfriend’s friends are all “BITCH!” or what’s the haps, here? The thing about Facebook is, well, it kind of sucks. You gotta let that shit roll off you like water off a duck’s little waterproofy back, yo. Or close your account. Assume it’s a minefield. It’s the way of the internet. Every time you post something publicly, someone will probably shit all over it. You have to learn to laugh and move on. Or you’re going to get your little feelings SO CRUSHED. You’re welcome, don’t even stress over this nonsense.       

why you’re wearing sunglasses in a cloudy day is anyone’s guess Hee! This one’s like a question and a crabbiness. People like to wear sunglasses. They think they look cooooool in them. It’s just a thing. Why are you all getting so upset about non-issues? Worry about things like genocide and sexism and the Tea Party, if you need something to worry about. Sheesh. You’re welcome, we got bigger fish to fry than sunglasses, I think.    

will the smell of burnt scorpion frighten other scorpions What…who even came UP with this? You’re going to…what…catch a scorpion, charbroil him, and then put him out as an object lesson for other scorpions? Like how back in the day they used to put people’s heads up on a pike to scare people from misbehaving? No. I can’t imagine this would work. And even if it does? Don’t do it. Or you might need to take the psychopath test. You’re welcome, don’t torture living creatures.     

I’m just going to go over here. What a terrible idea. I’m just disgusted with you right now.

Whoo! There you go! All the questions! With all the answers! Are they the most helpful? YES. Are you leaving today’s post feeling super-enlightened? YES AGAIN. 

Until next month – may your questions be answered and your searches bring you somewhere helpful, like HERE. With ME. Little old me! With all the helpfulness! Plus COOKIES! It’s like the best open-house EVER! (Possible euphemism? Yes.)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

22 responses to “Kind-of-Sort-of-Ask-Lucy a.k.a. I CAN ANSWER THAT! (Volume 6)

  • Sandra

    You’re so funny, I’m wiping tears of laughter from my eyes, which I will promptly cover up with my sunglasses even though it’s cloudy outside because I can so rock a pair of sunglasses. This was funny funny shit (yes, I already said that!) but I love so many parts, I can’t even begin to pick my favourite (although the part about charbroiling the scorpions is pretty high on my list. I love the visual of the one scorpion having to witness his fellow scorpion being barbqued)…don’t reciprocate by coming to my blog, you will just so happen to land on a slightly religious post, and i don’t want our friendship to begin on that foot!


  • mylifeisthebestlife

    THANK YOU! I feel super smart now.


  • Charleen

    Your baby otters made me smile. I love otters.


  • sj

    I am also pretty fed up with most of my facebook friends. I have most people hidden to ONLY IMPORTANT and I still have to see every stupid thing they like or comment on. Facebook sucks. SUCKS.


  • blogginglily

    nobody ever asks ME questions. Stupid people.

    baby otters are SO. CUTE!!

    I have to modify that mystery van picture now. Excuse me.


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Oooh, I knew this would be today’s post, and so I couldn’t wait to read it – and, as usual, I was NOT disappointed!! Every single answer was brilliant and hilarious, but the Occams razor/banana answer made me laugh out loud! (And now my co-workers are wondering if I’m writing funny code! ;-)

    Thanks for the laughs!


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Ok, first: “jerk your gherkin”? That’s gonna be my new name for it from now on. I can say I read about it on the internet, on a site called Lucy’s Football. I’m sure Fiancée (who, incidentally, will be coming back tomorrow night – yay!) will appreciate that.

    Secondly: Helen Hunt. Yes. A little bit of a thing. *sigh*

    And thirdly: Did you say she was wearing black pantyhose, with a seam up the back of the leg? Was she? Really?


    • lucysfootball

      Tomorrow? YAY! I thought it was next month! I’m so happy she’s coming home already! All the hugs to Baby Girl! (Well, also to Fiancée, but it’s a little creepy for me to say that. I’ll leave those hugs up to you.)

      She will LOVE “jerkin’ the gherkin!” That’s a good one, right? Did you know there are websites that are JUST phrases for masturbation? Yeah, I didn’t, either. Heh.

      My dad and brother are so into Helen Hunt, too!

      No, that was just a thing I made up. No pantyhose with a seam for Helen Hunt. Well, at least that I remember in “Mad About You.” Maybe in something, somewhere, I don’t know. (I bet my brother would know, though!)


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Everyday, on my way to work, I drive past a road sign saying ‘Otter trail’ (Well, it doesn’t really; it says ‘Utterspår’. You know, in Swedish?), but I never see any otters. Not ever dead, run-over ones. I don’t think they might be imaginary.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    *whispers* My glasses are dark on a cloudy day. This is because they’re reactive, and darken in ultraviolet light – even if it’s not all that sunny. And no, it doesn’t make me feel cool.


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