An Open Letter to People Who Find my Blog Accidentally (Volume 13)

Dear People Who Find My Blog Accidentally:  

Well! It is July. And in July, we have…um…heat. Lots of heat. And humidity. And then a little more heat and humidity. You know, in case you wanted that. In case you are wondering, I do not want that, and have been hibernating with icy drinks in front of the AC. Dumbcat doesn’t seem to understand it’s the hottest and wants to sit on me all the time, and that makes me overheat like a mofo, yo. He is HOT. Like a cat-shaped blanket of heat. Why do you not understand it’s hot out, you foolish fur-covered heater? 

This is not Dumbcat but looks a lot like him. Except for the tail. Also, this cat doesn’t look like he’s a billion degrees hot, and Dumbcat totally is.

Now, this past month has been kind of low, stats-wise. I think you’re all on vacation. Or probably you’re sick of me. Either way. That’s cool. According to a not-at-all-rude commenter, I TOTALLY TALK TOO MUCH ON THIS HERE BLOG THING. That’s fine. I like to talk. It’s what I do. Sorry I’m wasting your time, not-at-all-rude commenter. Your totally important time. That is probably worth money. CASH MONEY. Anyway, I’m not too worried about the low stats. People will come, Ray. And there will be baseball in the cornfield. And I can have a catch with my dead relatives. I’d like that.

It reminds of us of all that once was good and it could be again. Oh…people will come, Ray. People will most definitely come.

In case you’re new, let me catch you up on this recurring post.  I’m obsessed with my stats; I like to check what search terms drive people to my blog; then I feel REALLY BAD this isn’t what they were looking for. So I write them a letter of apology (this is the thirteenth one. As you can tell from the title. Over a YEAR of these here thingamabobbers. Search for the others; they’re stellar.) Why do I do this? Because I hate cookouts, beaches, and all things MERKAN, and would rather spend all day in front of my laptop? Perhaps.

Go go Merka!

Our search terms this month were sparse. There were a lot of the same thing over and over, and a lot of kids wanting me to do their homework for them (not doing it this month, kids, do your summer school work yourselves) and that’s about it. It’s a sad month for searchers. Am I to understand you’ve all bucked U2 and you’ve totally found what you’re looking for? Well, THAT’S exciting.

I’m so glad you found what you’re looking for. But I miss your weird-ass searches, I’m not going to lie.

So ANYWAY, instead of addressing you all individually, which would take a month and then it’d be August and time for another one of these, and I don’t want to sit here for a month, buckaroos, I’m going to break you down into categories and address you in groups.  What? You don’t like that? Well, aren’t YOU picky. Like a toddler who doesn’t want to eat his root vegetables, you are. EAT ‘EM DAMMIT. I KNOW they’re gross. They’re GOOD for you.

All the roots. ALL.

Category the First: I TOLD you, Dad!

hooters owl eyes boobs

NICE FAMILY RESTAURANT.

Yes! See, Dad? I told you that the owls in the Hooters logo were really boobie-euphemisms and that place is not really a family-friendly restaurant unless maybe you’re a nursing baby or maybe your family is a porn family or something. Even my SEARCHERS know it’s all about boobs. Sheesh.

Category the Second: The Internet is For Porn

alan rickman fake porn
hot grils sexs with animals and panda
sneekey fuckers porn

I don’t…”fake” porn? What would even be involved in such a thing? Like, he pretends to pretend to be a pizza delivery man or something? I’m not saying I wouldn’t watch Rickman get it on. I would. I totally would. But “fake” porn. Now I need to know what is involved in such a thing. Or maybe I don’t. Anything with porn in it usually makes me nervous. SHUT UP I’m a small town girl at heart. I can’t help it. The girl can stop going to church, but the girl still grew up a sheltered Catholic.

Rawr. Fake, real, don’t care what kind of porn it is.

Hee, “grils.” Get up offa ma gril, yo. Sex with BOTH animals AND panda. Because…pandas aren’t animals? They’re…a whole different breed? I don’t know.

“Sneekey” fuckers porn! I’m getting some awesome typos this month. I don’t think you need porn for the sneaky fuckers. They make their own porn, just with all the sneaky fuckery. But if you want to watch elk and frogs and such get it on…well, everyone’s got their kink, I suppose.

Category the Third: Curiouser and Curiouser 

“there are forces at work in my soul”
animal trying to kill himself
back seat of a town car ugly fat gay men

Ooh, if there are forces at work in your soul, that could totally be the worst. I can’t imagine that’s a very good thing. Unless – wait, are they GOOD forces? Like, forces of charity and kindness or something? That’d be ok. I like that this is in quotes. It probably means something DEEP and PROFOUND. But nothing I can find.

Do you want to WATCH an animal trying to kill himself? I think you might have forces at work in YOUR soul, my twisted and sick friend. Also, animals aren’t suicidal. OH WAIT. Except this pigeon last weekend? I was driving to the theater, and there were these pigeons in the road? And one flew away, and one didn’t? And I thought he would? So I kept driving, and he DIDN’T! He committed SUICIDE under my CAR! He turned me into his own personal Jack Kevorkian! There was just such a huge THUNK noise! Damn you, you despondent pigeon!

This bear is SAD, but I don’t think suicidal. At least I hope not. REACH OUT FOR HELP, BEAR! Don’t let it get too bad!

Hmm. This whole gay-men-in-a-car thing is VERY specific. It’s a TOWN car. The gay men are both ugly AND fat. They’re in the BACK seat. It’s like a little story! A somewhat-offensive little story! I’m not really sure of the goal of this search and/or story, but there it is!

Category the Fourth: Famous people are famous 

ben wyatt (4)
benedict cumberbatch (7)
zak bagans (20)

In case you are confused, the number after these is the number of times people searched for these particular things. So, Ben Wyatt, 4 times. I’m down with that. Ben’s a-ok with me. As is Adam Scott who plays him. I want to pop him in my pocket and bring him places. He’s so adorably wee. Benedict Cumberbatch: 7 times. Again: down with that. He’s lovely. (Although – listen, most of you want to know what football team he supports. You’ve been asking me that for MONTHS. I’ve TRIED to find that out for you. To no avail. He’s all state-secrets about his favorite football team. I’m sorry to let you down.) Finally – by far and away, Zak Bagans gets searched for more here than anywhere else. I haven’t even WATCHED The Ghost Douche in almost a YEAR. Dad and I were laughing about that when I went home last time, that we were so busy we didn’t get a chance to watch his terrible, terrible show on that trip and it’s become like a tradition: I go home, we do family stuff, we mock The Ghost Douche. Maybe you’d like to go elsewhere for your Ghost Douche information? Because I have none. Other than: he’s a douche. Who works with ghosts.

SIGH. Boyfriend.

Category the Fifth: Things that made me snort-laugh. 

“i don’t understand what’s going on”
50 shades of grey review tripped over an ottoman
fat motherfucking cats holy shit 
hot country men with beards
johnny don’t come home drunk sheet music
kevin costner revengey
mister what’s that big thing in your pants
tumblr discreet love making

I don’t understand what’s going on 99% of the time, either. So, I can’t 100% help you with that, but I’m glad you’re here. Let’s muddle through this shit together, shall we? Sure we shall.

Hee! Tripped over an OTTOMAN! Did I write that? Now I have to look, I write a lot and forget shit. Oh, yep, I totally did, I said if you made Ana’s “argh” sex noise, you probably aren’t so much in the throes of passion but you probably tripped over an ottoman instead. So the person who searched for this was actually in the RIGHT place for once! Impressive!

I seriously laughed so hard I almost died at “fat motherfucking cats holy shit.” It is VERY shocked! If you saw a room full of Dumbcats, you would say that. He’s a big boy. All chunky but also big-boned. I love him. He’s fluffy.

Here are some hot country men with beards.

Rawr AGAIN. Am I right? Wait, I’m not right? Oh. Sorry.

We have Mennonites living next door from my parents now. They are hard-working and plus their adorable children speak Dutch which I find charming but my dad gets all screamy about it and says “THIS IS MERKA! SPEAK MERKAN!” No, not TO them, just to me. If he said it to them, they wouldn’t understand him anyway. They don’t speak Merkan until they start school when they are 6. I found it adorable they were chattering away to each other in Dutch. I like other languages a great deal.

Holy hell “Johnny Don’t Come Home Drunk.” Is this a THING? Oh, yep. Yep, it is. Here! Here is a YouTube of people playing it! It’s actually called “Don’t Come Home Drunk, Johnny.”

It has no words. It’s a purely instrumental piece. I find this a wasted opportunity. Someone who is good at such things, write words for “Don’t Come Home Drunk, Johnny.” Please remember to rhyme “drunk” with “funk” and also “Johnny” with “hey nonny nonny.” Thanks so much.

 I only care about Kevin Costner in Field of Dreams, otherwise he’s useless to me, but the word “revengey” makes me happier than I can even say.

The answer to “what’s that big thing in your pants” is “it’s a restraining order.” You’re welcome.

Tumblr discreet love making. I don’t…huh. If it’s on Tumblr, is it discreet? Is it really? Also, the phrase lovemaking makes me stabby and reminds me of gold shag carpeting and rec rooms and key parties. Let’s get it onnnnnn, baby.

Category the Sixth: This is either pervy or awesome. What do you think? 

guest fucker

I’m not sure if this is referring to sneaky fuckery, or if this is referring to the time that I had a totally anonymous guest post about sneaky fuckery except the person who wrote it told me not to tell anyone he wrote it and then he told all of Twitter he wrote it, or if this is something MUCH pervier, like the searcher wants to have a houseguest service his wife. Either way, I like your style, searcher. Nice job. Gold stars right at the top of your paper.

Category the Seventh: YES. 

my sense of humor gets me in trouble
totally fucked off with life

My sense of humor DOES get me in trouble. All the TIME. People don’t know if I’m being sarcastic or not. I’m this guy. I’m totally this guy right here.

Man, I miss you, Kids in the Hall. I MISS YOU SO HARD.

I don’t know what “totally fucked off with life” means, but it really explains the mood I’ve been in the past week or so very well. I’m down with this statement, random searcher. I’m totally down with this.

Category the Eighth: I should probably be offended but mostly I’m just giggling. 

tired of all this shit humour 

Aw, I’m going to hope you’re HERE because everywhere ELSE is exhausting you, and I’m like a welcome change? Otherwise, I should totally be sadface. But mostly the wording of this is cracking me up. “I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS SHIT HUMOUR!” Also, I like “humour” with a “u.” It’s ultra-classy, yo.

Category the Ninth: JIM JIM JIM JIM JIM. 

hotsprings parasite 

Jim! People want to know about your parasites and your hot pottin’! JIM! Come be the Minister of Fly-nance and help these people out!

(Searcher, luckily, our Jim did NOT get a parasite in his brain, because otherwise he might be dead, and then I’d be all, “I’m missing…something…in my life, but what could it be? I do not know. BUT SOMETHING DOES NOT SEEM QUITE RIGHT.” And what would be missing would be my most amazing Minister of Fly-nance who makes me laugh until I sometimes cry a little bit.)

Category the Tenth: Sort of racist. 

handsome “white” actors

Um. Why’s white in quotes here? Can’t they just be HANDSOME actors? Have you not seen Denzel Washington or Taye Diggs or Dev Patel or Daniel Dae Kim or Naveen Andrews or a million billion other handsome actors who just happen not to be white? This is just weird. Isn’t handsome just plain old handsome, regardless of skin color? Odd.

Is he not hot? Because I’m pretty sure he is, even taken objectively. (I’d take him whatever way I could get him. Heh.)

Category the Eleventh: You might be doing it wrong. 

honey badger innuendo meaning
joke my wife ate rat poison 

I don’t know that honey badger’s an innuendo. It’s a VIDEO. About a HONEY BADGER. I mean, sometimes we say things like “honey badger don’t give a shit” when we’re pissed about something, but that’s not so much an innuendo as it is we’re taking a pop-culture reference and using it in our daily life. I don’t know that you know what innuendo means.

He just takes what he wants.

And and and and AND, um, there’s really nothing overly “jokey” about your wife eating rat poison. “HA HA! Honey, that wasn’t Chex Mix! It was Rough on Rats! Don’t worry dear, you’ll die outside!” No. Not humorous. Get a divorce, it’s a lot less likely to cause you to go to jail for life (if you’re lucky) or to walk The Green Mile (if you’re not.)

Category the Twelfth: FAMOUS!!! 

“sneaky fucker” bird
benedict cumberbatch lucy
sneaky fucker lucy’s football

Did we ever talk about birds being sneaky fuckers? It was a busy few weeks, I don’t remember. Either way: I am FAMOUS! Still! For sneaky fuckery! That makes me happy.

ZOMG. It is only a matter of time before Benedict Cumberbatch and I are falling into all the love. He’s going to realize our names are INEXORABLY LINKED and jet on over and be all, “Well! You are Lucy? I am Benedict. Let’s nip out for some delicious food products, shall we?” and then we will be a COUPLE.

Sneaky Fucker AND Lucy’s Football! We are like peas and carrots or chocolate and peanut butter. Same same same.

Category the Thirteenth: I am an international RESOURCE!!! 

biancaneve e i sette nani (Snow White and the Seven Dwarves in Italian!)
bombero cumpleaños (firefighter birthday in Spanish!)
see you there меанинг (see you there “meaning” in Russian!)
старые ноты (old notes in Russian!)
черный тень сонный паралич (black shadow of sleep paralysis in Russian!)
โอลิมปิก 2012 (Olympics in Thai!)
i’m gonna miss you grappig (I’m gonna miss you “funny” in Dutch!)

Holy CRAP, you guys, look at all the foreign-language searches I got this month! Which made me so happy, because I got to search Google translate for them, and see what was going on! Look how pretty Russian and Thai are! 

I am VERY FAMOUS IN RUSSIA! Soon this will be my HOME.

I think my favorite is “black shadow of sleep paralysis.” It worries me that that terrifying shadow-man also happens in Russia. Gah.

Welcome, foreign searchers! I love people from other places. They are among some of my FAVORITE people. You are welcome here! I like your pretty languages and new words. I hope things are happy where you are and also that there are many dessert items!

Well, that’s that! Less searches, yet still lots of awesomeness. Keep it up, merry sunshines. Love your faces. Search away. I’ll be your safety net. I have a lot of holes in me, though (ew, not like THAT) so you might fall right through to the ground. I’m a shitty safety net.

Until next month, my poor lost lambikins. May Google be kind in your searches. 

Love, Me. 

(As always, thank you to Mer for the inspiration for these posts!)