Regrets, I’ve had a few; but then again, too few to mention

Well, those of you that know what’s going on are probably waiting for the BIG POST, explaining WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY, but after much thought, I decided it was probably best not to post what I WANTED to post about what happened yesterday. I’ll explain more in a bit.

What’s going on, Amy? those of you who are confused are saying.

Yep, yesterday right before lunch, I was fired from my job. Shitcanned. Donezo. (Dunzo? I dunno.)

Surprisingly, none of the paperwork I got was pink. What a letdown.

Now, this would be where I would BLAST MY COMPANY and BE ALL LOUD and WHAT THE HELL and stuff, right?


Here’s the thing. They owe me a lot of money, which I want, and also I don’t trust them not to sue me if I say things about them that they take offense to.

I can, however, tell you what happened, right? I don’t know that that’s confidential. As long as I keep it factual.

Yesterday right before lunch, the HR rep asked if she could see me in a conference room. I knew exactly what was coming; the only question was whether I was going to get scolded or fired. I shut down what I was working on and I went to the conference room, where she and my boss (who didn’t say a word throughout) were.

I was told (which I knew) that child monitoring software had been installed on my computer and they knew been using the internet during company time for non-company purposes. I was also told they’d been reading my blog (aw! new readers!) and Twitter feed and I’d said some not-very-complimentary things about my workplace there, so it could have been a reprimand, but in light of that, it was immediate termination, and I’d have to leave the premises immediately. I’d have healthcare until the 31st, I’d get my final paycheck (and all my vacation pay and unused cafeteria plan money and such) on the 1st, and my 401(k) would remain where it was until I was ready to either roll it into my new job’s 401(k) or withdraw it.

I was then escorted to my desk, where I was overseen while I packed up, and then escorted to the exit. All of this took fifteen minutes, tops. Six and a half years boiled down to fifteen minutes.

Bye now. Bye now, and forever, actually.

Were they in the wrong? Nope. I did everything they said I did. I didn’t argue with them. “You don’t seem surprised by this,” they said. “I”m not,” I replied. And I wasn’t. I didn’t cry, I didn’t argue, I didn’t beg, I didn’t whimper. I signed where they told me to sign and packed up. There was no reason to fight it.

What, Amy? Don’t you know better? Didn’t you pay attention when Dooce got fired for blogging? (Bee tee dubs, she was able to be more honest about it than I am; read that post, and most of what she’s saying is my own personal defense. Which I didn’t put forward in the meeting where I was fired. I was uncharacteristically quiet as a mouse.) AMY! What’s wrong with you?

The answer is, I knew, and I just didn’t care. I don’t have a better answer than that. I was suffering severe job-related malaise.

No. Not forever. Not at all. No more malaise, from this day forward.

I knew this was coming. There was something in the air for weeks, and then when they installed the child monitoring software, I knew that was that. Could I have possibly stopped it, by not opening the internet again once that was installed, by only doing work-related things during work hours? Yes. I might have been able to do so, depending on how far along in the proceedings they were. But it really would have just been prolonging the inevitable.

I haven’t been happy there since I started. But it was safe. It was a paycheck; it was close to home; it’s not a great job market; and honestly, I was petrified to start looking for a job and not find anything. It was easier to stay put. Because I was afraid. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing or what was right for me or what was right for them, but I was scared to get out there and risk what I had for what might be, even if what I had wasn’t what I needed.

New things = scary. It’s a fact, Jack.

I’ve been looking for a new job for the past week. I knew something was coming. I knew it was time to get out there and start applying. I actually have an interview lined up for next week. I can’t get unemployment – since I was technically let go for violating company policy, I’m not eligible (and whether or not I agree with that, completely? Whether or not I get to defend myself? Well, that’s where I need to censor myself, because I’m sure they’re still reading this) – but I will contact my part-time job and see if they have any shifts available to get me some money coming in while I look for something permanent. I have a decent amount of money coming to me from the various final-paycheck avenues mentioned above so they will help me out a little, too.

I’m not thinking too far ahead from there. I refuse to think of this as a bad thing. Utterly refuse.

Me being there was a bad thing for me. Me being there was a bad thing for them. I was being turned into a bitter, twisted version of myself that I didn’t like, but I couldn’t make it stop. I was just so profoundly unhappy that it was spilling out every time I opened my mouth during office hours, and sometimes even after office hours. I was miserable, and I am objective enough to know I was making (most of) my coworkers miserable.

Since there’s just one of me, I guess I’d be un miserable, instead of les miserables, oui?

I’m not going to slam any of them. Do I want to? I won’t answer that. I’ll just say, I’m not going to.

This is a good thing. It is. I’ll find something else. Something better. Something that will suit me better, my personality, my quirks. A workplace where I’ll flourish and that I’ll actually not dread going to every day.

I’d like to go into more detail. I would. I’d like to tell you more about whether or not this is fair, and some of the things that happened there over the years. But I don’t know what would happen to me if I did. As I said, I’m sure they’re reading this, and even though I haven’t – and have never – mentioned the name of the company here, they think what I’ve been doing is negatively affecting their image. What do I think about that? Again. I wish I could go into more detail. I’m not meant to be ball-gagged. But I truly believe it’s in my best interest not to. Not because I’m a lady, no no. Because I’m afraid of being sued and/or not getting my final checks.

So, I will leave it with this: it was a bad fit, and it has been since I started. For both them and me. This is a good thing for them and a very good thing for me, even though right now I’m a touch panicked and a little stressy and my chest is kind of tight and also it was super-embarrassing to leave carrying my sad office plant.

Even my plant is sad. SO SAD. (This is not my plant.)

I’m looking for something new. I am sure I will find something. I’m very sure. There has to be something out there. I’m intelligent; I’m a very hard worker (I know you can’t tell, because I did a lot of not-work at work, but that’s not because I wasn’t a hard worker; that’s because I finished my tasks in a timely fashion and was looking to fill the hours); when I’m doing something where I feel vital and important, I really am a lot of fun to work with; I’m creative and I’m wacky and I’m a fast learner. There’s got to be something out there for me that won’t make me feel like my soul’s being crushed with every passing hour. I know there is.

Also, listen, thank you guys. You are really amazing, you know that? I tweeted the tweet above this morning and haven’t stopped getting emails and tweets of support from people all day. I’m really humbled. I have some of the best people in the world. If not the best. Sincerely. Also, Ken wrote me this amazing post which made me laugh, and also tear up a little. Shut up, it’s been an emotional day.

So I’m not saying anything more about this, other than yep, that happened. And after I get over the HOLY SHIT I AM MAJORLY UNDEREMPLOYED AT THE MOMENT, I’m really going to revel in it. I’m going to find something else. Something that isn’t that job! Something that I might really like – can you imagine – what if it was something I’d love? I don’t know. Is that possible?

Thank you for being so awesome. Also, if you know of any excellent clerical jobs in the Capital District region of New York that pay well enough I can pay my bills and don’t mind if my hair’s a little unruly, let me know. Or if someone want to pay me to stay home and write things, I’m down with that, too. I wouldn’t mind that even a little bit.

(Oh, also, the next two days’ posts were written pre-firation, so if they mention my job…pretend they don’t. Or laugh at the distant memory. Ha ha! Remember when Amy was employed? What fun times those were!)

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

41 responses to “Regrets, I’ve had a few; but then again, too few to mention

  • Cara V. (@fictionalchick)

    I’m super happy for you… toxic work places are no good… and that’s what it was- no disrespect to anyone. Things happen for good reason and I think keeping your sanity is a really good reason. This is what you need right now. You’re on a roller coaster for sure- but things will even out! Love your face!!


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! I’m just trying to stay positive. This is a good thing. It’s a fresh start. There’s something out there for me that’s, well, if not perfect, then better. Definitely.


  • sj

    You’re the classiest. <3 you. Things will be great.


  • greengeekgirl

    I am not liking this post because I’m not liking it! Because of the stressiness of it. I would rather you have been able to leave with a big double-finger and maybe kicking the door down as you exited. <3


    • lucysfootball

      Hee! I wish I was that badass. But they were in the right. They really were. I did everything they said. I just mentally gave up over there months ago. I tried for SO LONG. Then I just gave up.

      This is a good thing. It is.


  • doesmybumlookbiginthis

    Just to clarify, i don’t like this post because you got fired, i like it because i think you’ve handled is SO well. Something better will come along :) xx


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you. It will. I probably didn’t handle it the best I could have – a SMART person would have not used the internet during work hours – but I just gave up. I did. I’d had enough. So it’s time to move on. This is all for the best.


  • Chris C. (@copax)

    “I haven’t been happy there since I started. But it was safe. It was a paycheck; it was close to home; it’s not a great job market; and honestly, I was petrified to start looking for a job and not find anything. It was easier to stay put. Because I was afraid. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing or what was right for me or what was right for them, but I was scared to get out there and risk what I had for what might be, even if what I had wasn’t what I needed.”

    This. A thousand times this. I’m in a similar situation myself, and I’m going through the same fears and turmoil. I’m not sure which statement helps more (if at all), but I’ll say that you’re a strong person for admitting that, and that you’re not the only one who goes through life feeling that.

    I’d say to just take your time, breathe, let some things settle down and let your head clear a bit. After that, think about what you truly want to do, what you expect from your job, and what you bring to the table that a new employer can expect of you. If I had gobs of disposable income, I’d offer to pay you to write, but I unfortunately am gob-less :(


    • lucysfootball

      I think maybe a lot of us are going through this right now – we’re so scared of the job market that we’re stagnating, and of course that’s how the employers like it – they like us in a state of fear, we’re easier to control that way. I told my dad about this, and he immediately started screaming, “What are you going to DO? THERE ARE NO JOBS!!!”

      But I think there are jobs. Maybe not as many as there used to be, but there are jobs. People are still working. The whole country didn’t shut down because of the economy, and there’s still turnover, and therefore still a need for people to fill jobs. They’re just a little harder to find, that’s all.

      We’ll all be fine. It’s just going to take a little time and patience. You, me, all of us. We will all be fine.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Yes. Good things ahead. Sooner than you think, probably. Unless you think, I don’t know, within the next 5 minutes. Then, no. A bit longer than that, most likely. But soon.


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    And, in a bright note, Dumbcat gets Mom at home all day!! Dumbcat is HAPPEEEEEE!!! :-)

    And, yup, this really is a positive move for you! I’m very excited to see where you end up, and am hoping/praying it is a place where they value YOU!!

    Oh, and, no, despite your ‘badmouthing’ your previous employer and their claim it damaged their reputation – I haven’t a CLUE where that was! Some company in NY state, near Albany, I think. Yeah, REAL damaging, douchecanoes!


    • lucysfootball

      They really didn’t understand the internet. It’s ok. They did what they felt they had to do. I’m ok with it. It was best for me. Not that they were doing it because of that – they were not thinking of me at all – but in the long run, it was.

      Thank you. Yes, it’s a good thing. A very good thing. Onward and upward.


  • mylifeisthebestlife

    I have COMPLETE faith in you!


  • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

    Dear Amy, I don’t like that you got fired, but I like that you’re handling it so well. And don’t worry, you’ll always find a job that you don’t like so why think of the one you lost. But probably the next job – though it may not be what you REALLY want to do (because that’s write, right? and who gets paid for that so that they can actually live off it? 0.01% of writers that’s who*) – it will probably still be better than the job you hated and now lost.

    Because it’s not neccessarily the fatally boring and at the same time stressful tasks that make you feel dead inside but the environment, the people, the feeling of being pigeon-holed and stuck and of it being your own fault because you’re too weak and afraid to go and find something new. Oh, sorry, I got carried away there. That woman I’m talking about was me three years ago. And I finally quit without knowing what would come next because I had seriously started hating that unhappy person I had become. And I got better and now I’m happy as a bunny.

    So maybe it’s a good thing they made that decision for you. Because sometimes the change of scene is all you need, even if your next job is the same as the old one. New people, new faces, new potplants can make a hell of a difference. Good luck, but really, I don’t think you’ll really need it, you’ll be a happy bunny in no time.

    *I made that number up


  • blogginglily

    Two words. Lemonade Stand.

    I’m not sure what to do after that. . . cause I said two words, but then I wasn’t really DONE, so now it’s like what. . . 26 words later? It no longer makes sense.

    Anyway, they are obviously doodie heads.


    • lucysfootball

      Lemonade Stand made me think of Banana Stand, because there’s always money in the banana stand.

      That’s only funny if you watched “Arrested Development,” of course. And if you didn’t, you should. I think you’d love it. You have that twisted sense of humor that’s needed to enjoy it.

      Also, I’d be terrible at a lemonade stand. I’d be all, “every glass of lemonade costs $1,000” and then I could sell one glass and be done for the WHOLE WEEK. And then blog the rest of the time.


  • becomingcliche

    My prayer is that this is a door for you that is open wide for a big opportunity. I am so sorry that this happened to you.


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you. It’ll be ok. It is an opportunity. Because the last place was sucking out my soul. SO MUCH. Grr. I was not a good person while I was there. I deserve better. And as much as I hate to say it, they deserve someone better than me in there – someone who won’t care as much as I did, and who will just blithely grin and bear it. That’s not me. And it was never going to be me. It was really better we parted ways.


  • Tony Bird

    I read an article not too long ago claiming that using Twitter at work actually makes you more productive. I don’t know how much fact there is in that statement, but it makes sense to me if you’re able to get a short break and refocus. Last year the air force changed their policies toward social media and unblocked YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and a whole bunch of sites that we can now access from work. That being said, there are usually consequences if we don’t have a good reason for using them.


    • lucysfootball

      I completely agree with that. It made me more productive because it made me happier, which made me more able to do my job. When it was completely blocked for a while, I was SO MISERABLE. My work totally suffered then. But, oh well. Life goes on, and it will get better from here. I just know it.


  • catpenfold

    It is super-sucky that you can’t get unemployment. Are you totally sure that you can’t? Is there a Vogon somewhere waiting for a form written in triplicate?


    • lucysfootball

      I checked the NYS website, and it says “Reasons you are ineligible” and one of them is if you were terminated for violating company policy, which I was. So, yeah. I’m out of luck there. It’s ok, though. I think I’ll make more than I would with unemployment at my part-time job, picking up extra hours.


  • Certainly Not (@KateSherrod)

    Soooo… now it is time I introduce you to the Hobo Party. I had one both times I got fired. A Hobo Party can be pretty much anything you want, but I recommend getting dressed to the nines (seriously, look as hot and fancy as you possibly can) and go to ALL THE BARS with your girlfriends and enjoy cocktails and whoop it up. Revel in the freedom and make all the drudges that are also in the bars jealous. It’s fun, and might lead to something (in my case, I got a job offer during my first Hobo Party, but it was a small town and I already kind of knew they wanted me but still, job offer during Hobo Party!), or even START A REVOLUTION.

    It’s called Hobo Powah and it totally rocks.

    There is a tape of my first Hobo Party somewhere. Erin never got around to loading it onto YouTube. I need to nag her about that again.


    • lucysfootball

      Ha! I love that. You have an awesome attitude. I don’t know that I’m in a partying mood…well, now or ever, actually, since I never go out? But I love the idea so much. That is kickass.


  • Heather

    That place didn’t deserve someone as awesome as you. Good riddance to them. You’ll find something much better and you’ll be a lot happier…or just less angry all the time. Screw them.


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! It really was a bad fit. My brain didn’t work the way their did. I don’t know how better to explain it (and if I go into more detail, it’ll be rude, and, well, I know they’re watching. Still.)

      I’m looking forward to being less angry. That’ll be nice, won’t it? SO nice.


  • Samantha

    I am seriously unable to focus most of the time unless I’m multitasking several things at once. I almost always have Twitter and G-Talk open while at either of my jobs. I don’t think either job really cares because I get my work done, efficiently and quickly, but it still sucks that there are those rules in place at a lot of workplaces. The people who really actually don’t do their work spoil it for the rest of us. It’s why we can’t have nice things. :(

    Either way, I am sorry you lost your job in the financial aspect, but in the every other aspect, you will find something that will be that much better. I believe everything happens for a reason and usually when you get to a point like this there’s nowhere you can go but up! And apparently that is already happening what with your book being published and such. You will be great, Amy :D


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you! And that’s really the thing – I was getting my work done. All of it and more. When I had work to do, I was off social media. My work never suffered. But it’s their call. I can’t argue it.

      I’m really optimistic that this is just the kick I needed to find something better for me. And they’ll find someone that’s a better fit for them. It’s a win all around. I just have to hope it happens sooner than later, because money’s always a concern.


  • Michelle Hernandez (@willieburgscrap)

    OH NO!!!! I’m sorry you are stressing (even if this is probably better for your soul in the long run). HUGS to you! I was fired 4 years ago and it was horrible. I hated my boss and wanted to slap everyone around me but I liked getting paid and the actual work I was doing so I am right there with you right now. To tell you the truth, I was a little worried because you wrote so frankly about your feelings for work so I was kinda hoping you were using a fake photo of yourself? I imagined your boss getting pissed when he saw himself through your eyes and what a loser that he had the spyware installed rather than talking to you personally. THEIR LOSS entirely! Better things are coming your way- nothing keeps a snarky web savvy chick down!


    • lucysfootball

      I used to be more careful, then I just stopped caring. I really just hated it there so, so much. It’s all for the best. I’ll find something better. Then there will be no reason to complain! Because I will love my job! Or at least like it enough I won’t need to complain! :)


  • Em

    Sorry I haven’t been in here to comment until now. This not having internet at home makes my life more complicated than I want it to be. Also, I may suck a bit.

    First: I find it weird they would fire you. I don’t even have the beginning of a clue where you worked but I do not get it.

    Second, I always wonder about this sort of thing because it makes me wonder if corporate America is getting this whole social media thing. I, for instance, am no longer reachable through regular advertising. I don’t watch TV, I don’t listen to commercial radio, I don’t subscribe to a newspaper and the one mainstream magazine I get, I don’t usually open for a month. Or two. I know most of what’s going on in the world because of social media. And that’s the only advertising I’m exposed to.

    Someone like you would be a goldmine for a business trying to get their social media foot in the social media door. I would have transferred you from whatever you were doing (see? I have no clue…) I’d have put you in social media to socially mediaze my client base. And then reach beyond it.

    Here’s what I know about you: you’re smart, interesting, clever, funny and you deserve to be happy at what you’re doing. All good thoughts and wishes your way.

    And if I make a zillion dollars in the next few months, you’re hired.


    • lucysfootball

      They weren’t net-savvy. Like, they just set up their first Facebook page about a month ago, and didn’t know how to go about getting people to like it. Plus, most of their clients are very old. So social media probably wouldn’t have done them much good. (Although it might have gotten them younger, less-likely-to-die-soon clientele.)

      Thank you! I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Whatever I end up doing can’t be as bad as what I *was* doing, is my thought (or at least my hope – I know there are jobs that are worse than what I was doing) so I should end up better off.


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