Follow not; I’ll have no speaking: I will have my bond.

It’s Random Crap Thursday, now with politics, work shenanigans, and deep piles of debt! Wait, where are you going, get back here, you. This is going to be AWESOME. OK, fine, maybe your definition of awesome and mine are completely different. It’s going to be…informative? At least you’ll know why I was in such a shitty mood while writing this? FINE. Thank you for coming back. You can have a cookie. NO, I don’t know what kind of cookie. Something with chocolate in it? Good, fine, here you go. Happy now? Great.

I just took a very scientific quiz that told me I agree with Obama on 92% of the issues in the upcoming election. I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t tell Dad about my results on this quiz. In hilarious news, the second-most person I agreed with? Jimmy “THE RENT IS TOO DAMN HIGH” McMillan. YES. This is quite impressive.


Mostly what I agree with about Mr. McMillan is his sense of STYLE. He has a lot of panache. Also, he talks in ALL-CAPS. I like that. Also, he’s a crazy. I like crazies a great deal, as long as they’re not, oh, I don’t know, running the country or following me around singing to me or saying things to me on public transportation. I don’t care for that at all. (Also, he’s still running for president? Why do people do these things? Where does the money come from? Use that money for something more productive, like buying food for poor people or buying me a pony. Dummies.) The person I agreed with on LEAST of the issues, so, therefore, my ENEMY? Romney. Ahem. No comment.

In news of the ill-conceived, I somehow was chosen to train two people for two and a half hours at work tomorrow. Well, by the time you read this it will have come and gone. Sorry. Timeline’s still out of whack over here at the old Football. Still trying to be ahead with LIFE. I had to make up a training sheet, and I have a conference room all checked out for me, and this is all very confusing. OK, so you (probably, I mean, you’re here, aren’t you?) read my blog. You know how I’m kind of all over the place and you probably think some days that I have ADD? I just took ANOTHER very scientific quiz and here’s what it says. (Apparently you can’t take JUST an ADD quiz, it’s ADHD or nothing. When did this happen? ANNOYING.) 

I apparently have something in the middle of these brains. Look how pretty a normal brain is! That brain is shooting out MIND BULLETS.

You appear to suffer from mild attention and concentration difficulties according to your responses to this self-report questionnaire. You should not take this as a diagnosis of any sort, or a recommendation for treatment. However, you may want to look into seeking further consultation with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing any difficulties in daily functioning due to these difficulties or if you’d like a more in-depth answer. 

Oh, well, that’s nice. It’s only mild. Only MILD ADHD. (Mostly the questions I was like “nope” on were ones like “is your brain talking to you like a television set?” Um. No. No, it’s not. Do people who have ADHD’s brains talk to them like their brains are a television set? Is it tuned to a good channel? Because maybe I want that, after all. That’d be ok, wouldn’t it?)

I feel like this is the channel my brain would be tuned to most of the time. Or maybe cartoons. It could be cartoons. Or “Buffy.”

ANYWAY (is this proving my point I didn’t even make yet? YES) they want ME, who can’t even stick to the point in a BLOG POST, to train these people. I’m going to need a bigger boat, or in the very least, more than the 2.5 hours that’s been allotted to me. Here’s the thing. It’s kind of weird? OK, here are my issues with this training. 

  • I’ve never trained anyone at work before. At the theater, sure. But not at work. So I’m already all nervous. 
  • The people I’m training aren’t here to learn. I know, you’re all, WHAT? right now. Me, too. Here’s the scoop: we just merged with another company. They’re smaller than us, so we – I don’t know, what’s the term? Absorbed them, I guess? They’re in another town, so they’re staying there, but with our name on their office from now on. We don’t, however, want them to feel like we’re evil usurpers, so we’re not making them change the way they do anything (except we are making them change some of the software they use, so we can all be using the same software since we’re all on the same server now. At least I think it’s the server. Don’t ask in-depth questions about this, because that’s as technical as I can get. Me + computers = glassy eyes and confused stammering.) SO, the two administrative lackeys there, whose job is the same as mine here, are coming here to see how we do things here tomorrow. But they’re under no obligation to change what they do. So why are they coming? And why am I training them? And providing pretty handouts that I totally made up and they’re stapled and everything? If they’re not going to be changing to our system, I mean? I mean, yes, I guess if they like the way we do something here, they might WANT to change, but who likes change and submits happily to it? Like, no one. Everyone fights change. This is going to be all kinds of awkward. Also, does anyone else get the feeling these two women just want a paid day away from their office? Or am I just being suspicious for no reason? 

    Even my hot boyfriend Jake is suspicious.

  • My office, who thinks I’m all RAGEMONSTER (actually, only when I’m here, guys, there’s a direct correlation and it has to do with YOUR FACES) has told me fourteen times I need to be nice to these people. What the hell do they think I’m going to do, get them in a conference room and start screaming and throwing potted plants at them? And now that I’ve been told I can’t, it’s all I want to do. HULK ANGRY! HULK SMASH!  

    ME AT WORK. (Not really, but I’m pretty sure this is what they see when they look at me.)

    (I just took ANOTHER quiz and it says I’m probably going to have an anger-related meltdown: “A score of this type suggests that you are seriously prone to anger problems. Anger problems are likely causing difficulty in family, social and/or occupational settings. We strongly recommend that you seek out an anger management program – available through your EAP program at work or through local therapists – to help yourself learn better, more constructive ways to manage your anger.” WHAT THE HELL IS EAP THAT MAKES ME SO PISSED. Honestly, I’m really only FURIOUSLY ANGRY at work, and not ALL the time. Just when I have to talk to others, or do any work, or when I’m getting paid, or when I’m not. In my life, I’m about 75% non-stabby. I think that’s fine! I don’t think I’m going to strangle anyone, kitten or human or otherwise. CALM DOWN PEOPLE.) 

  • THEN, when the unnecessary training is done, I have to take these women out to lunch. I’m pretty low on the ladder, so am not sure how this works. Is the corporate world usually so full of wasted time, money and tomfoolery? If so, how does anyone get anything done? What’s that? They give all their work to people like me? Oh, OH, so THAT’S what’s going on! Things are so much CLEARER now! 

So this will be good times, won’t it? YES. Oh, one of my coworkers was supposed to help me with the training but she refuses to check her work email so she “doesn’t know what’s happening in the office.” Somehow she doesn’t get in trouble for this. If it was me, I’d have been pulled into a conference room full of management-types, had to sign a ton of paperwork, and be told QUITE STERNLY that MY INSUBORDINATION WILL NOT STAND and these signed documents will be going IN MY PERMANENT FILE. I mean. Hypothetically, of course. Who’s something like THAT ever happened to? Certainly not anyone writing this BLOG! Whoo! 

Insubordination! My favorite of all the nations.

Oh, let’s see, what else is kicking around my brain of braininess. Oh, so I owe a kabillion dollars in student loan debt? Like, that’s why I have to work the second job, just to pay INTEREST in it each month? And I never pay down any of the capital, not even a penny, and it keeps getting BIGGER and BIGGER and at this point, what are you going to do but laugh, right? Nothing. I can’t not pay it, or I think they’ll send goons, or possibly Men in Black. So I pay the minimum I can pay without them coming to kneecap me and watch the total go up every month and just think, meh, this is what happens if you make BAD LIFE CHOICES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! 

I take a lot of rights.

Anyway, so I was in this government consolidation thing up until a couple of weeks ago, where after paying religiously for 25 years, they wrote off whatever was left, Even if, by 25 years of not touching the capital, what you owe is enough to buy an deeeeeluxe apartment in the skyyyyyy. (You’re laughing right now, but what’s funnier is I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.) It’s written off! It’s gone! It’s called the Debt Forgiveness Program! (What’s humorous is, that year? I will have to pay income taxes on that amount, because it’s treated as income for that year only. HA HA HA! How will THAT work? I don’t know. It’ll look like I’m a ZILLIONAIRE! And I will never be able to pay those taxes, never. I guess whoever’s the president then will be able to buy a new jet with my taxes, though.) 

I’m sure the president will need another one of these. I WILL PROVIDE THAT FOR YOU MR. (or MRS.) PRESIDENT!

Anyway, I got a letter from the government a couple of weeks ago saying they’d SOLD MY LOAN to some shady-ass debt collector, see ya, so long, you’re a bad credit risk, you’re never going to fund our vacations to Maui paying only the minimum, Ms. Lucy’s Football. So I was IMMEDIATELY freaking the hell out because a., I can barely afford to pay what I’m paying now (sincerely, my minimum, which, as mentioned, doesn’t even TOUCH the capital) is almost as much as my rent each month, and b., what if the DEBT FORGIVENESS PROGRAM I’ve been hanging my hopes and dreams on each month is GONE now? The government never mentioned they could just sell my loan to some Loan Shark Larry. Grumble. 


(Before you’re all “AMY! You are a DEADBEAT! I will have paid off my whole debt probably twice over by the time I’m 65. It’s not my fault the interest is insane. I refuse to feel guilty for that.)

So yesterday I got a letter from them. What’s it say? Oh, nothing, hi, we’re your new lords and masters, you now owe TWICE AS MUCH A MONTH THAN YOU WERE PAYING. Twice! Twice as much!  

So after I took a nitroglycerine pill to stop my upcoming heart attack and had a cool beverage, I called them today to have a conversation. 

Listen, I was PREPARED FOR WAR. I had all documentation all spread out around me and my tax return saying that I make just a slight bit more than someone folding sweaters at the Gap makes and I was ready to get shouty. 

However? They were actually really nice. I think they’re getting a lot of panicky calls right now. They said I had to fax them a copy of my most recent tax return, they’d put my payments back where they were once they verified my income, and that the Debt Forgiveness Program is for everyone, not just through this government thing I was doing, and that it carries over, so when I started paying them off (I think it was about 7 years ago – I totally hid from my student loans for a while, because they couldn’t find me because I’d moved and hell, I knew I’d never be able to pay them back and they’d find me eventually, don’t judge unless you’ve been where I was at the time, eating people’s leftovers and ramen and sometimes living without electricity or phone for a couple weeks at a time because you couldn’t afford the bills and wondering, would it be so BAD to live in the car? Would it REALLY? Think of the extra cash you’d save, without having to pay rent!) was when the 25 year time-clock started ticking. So when I’m approximately 65, give or take a few years because I don’t remember the exact date I started paying? NO MORE STUDENT LOANS, BABY! I will celebrate by buying some Metamucil and new tennis balls for the footies of my walker. 

Aw, me when I’m ollllld!

However, I found it a tad bit shady that when I tried to send them my tax return, the fax number they gave me (and then the second one they gave me when I called all panicky) were invalid. Um. Not a good way to instill confidence, people. Also, I was on hold waiting for someone to help me for half an hour. After that, I was the asshole who kept punching “0” for operator. Enough waiting. I’m at work, for the love of Pete. And it was BUSY this morning. I mean, obviously it’s not NOW. But it was this morning! And I was all tied up talking to people about money I don’t have, which always makes me all panic-attacky! Anyway, they finally gave me an email to PDF the whole mess to, so we’ll see what happens. I’m choosing not to freak out until I get the letter telling me what my monthly payment is in the next month or so. (And honestly, probably not even then. You’ve heard the old “blood from a stone” saying, right? There’s only so much I can pay. Don’t fret, jellybeans. I’m not.)

Don’t squeeze me, bro. There’s only so much blood in there, and I need that. For LIFE.

Anyway, my advice, kids and kiddos, is probably don’t take out a million student loans? Or go to an out-of-state grad school relying completely on student loans? Because they are a huge scam. I mean, sure, it’s nice to get an education, but they’re not free money at all, even though you’re taking out these huge, life-altering loans at a time when money is not a real thing to you, because you’re just a kid and it doesn’t all seem real, like a credit card or Monopoly money. Or, if you do decide to take them out, plan on getting a really good job after college so you can pay them back? Because otherwise, they’re going to be hanging over your head until you’re of Social Security age. Also, if anyone’s wondering why I never have any money? There you go. I don’t have money because I have an EDUCATION. Which…well, isn’t doing me any good at all, actually. I could have learned everything I learned in college on my own. Sorry, but that’s totally true. I furthered both my English and my theater education with real-world experience and kept up my studying on my own by reading anything that looked interesting I could get my hands on, and I’m more educated now in both of the fields than I was as a bright-eyed bushy-tailed girl right out of college ready to take on the world. I shit you not. 

OK, so that was a TOTAL downer. Sorry. Um…in happier news, I saw the next-to-last edit of my book today? I had a couple changes to make, then I see the final edit, then it GOES TO PRESS. And copies get sent to the reviewers. And and and and I AM SO EXCITED. That’s my happiest thing today. That’s what I’m keeping my eye on. 

Off to a board meeting. I will attempt not to strangle anyone. I PROMISE I WILL ATTEMPT. I make no guarantees. 

About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

23 responses to “Follow not; I’ll have no speaking: I will have my bond.

  • sj

    I feel kind of guilty about liking this cos I don’t want to seem like a total ass about the debt and the ragefaciness.

    BUT, as usual, you’ve written about this stupid crap with aplomb and I wish I could just come give you a big hug.


    Also, I am apparently an 82% match for Jill Stein and am 82% Green Party, 63% Libertarian. Make of that what you will.


  • blogginglily

    I took your election quiz. I don’t wanna talk about it.

    Also, you take too many quizzes.

    I still don’t understand the whole. . . “degree isn’t paying for itself thing”. I mean, you got to CHOOSE what you went to school for. . . right? It’s like if you started school in the early nineties and thought, “I wanna study to be an cassette tape repair technician”. . . you had to kind of know there was no market for it.

    Now, I don’t remember what your degree was, but my best friend’s degree was “Speech Comm.” Believe me when I tell you he KNEW he was not getting a job out of college in. . . speech communications. You know how he knew? I told him every fucking day.

    “Hey Derek, have you decided what brand of shoes you’re going to sell after graduation?”

    “Hey Derek, do you mind clearing my place for me? Consider it an internship for the food industry job you’ll land after graduating with a Speech Comm degree.”

    “Hey Derek, can I borrow a couple bucks for beer?” (this one really didn’t drive the point home)

    Anyway, after the poetry book takes off, you’ll be paying off ALL THE LOANS! And lighting cigars with burning $100 bills.


    • Samantha

      Actually, I think speech communication is a broad enough classification that they could get a number of decent jobs that are not retail or food service with that degree. but that’s just my opinion. :) Communication majors in general tend to be quite versatile and can get jobs in a lot of different positions that are actually in the field of communication. :D


    • lucysfootball

      I love quizzes. Find me a job where I take them for a living, ok? They’re the best.

      Yes, yes. I got to choose what I went to school for. But, as mentioned – BAD DECISION MAKER. I knew there was very little I could DO with the degree. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. I was amazed at the people who did! People knew what they wanted to do? Already? Shit, I STILL don’t know what I want to do, and I’m fast approaching middle age! (No, no, that’s not true. I want to write and get paid for it. So, as when I was young, I want to do something that’s a highly specified niche market and virtually impossible to get into.)

      My degrees were in Creative Writing and Theater. Go ahead and laugh. My dad did. As he yelled at me, actually. “WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BASKETWEAVING DEGERES ARE THOSE?!?!?!”

      Poor Derek. Do I dare ask what he’s doing now?

      I don’t think my book will pay off any loans. But I think it make me a liiiiittle money. I can maybe buy name-brand peanut butter for once! *swoons*


  • jbrown3079

    My daughter has a small pile of student loans. She has to pay $280.00 a month when it starts becoming due. Young people are the toughest group to talk to when it concerns finances. They are convinced their parents don’t understand how things work. So they make shaky financial decisions.
    I remember when I was in my twenties. It is a minor miracle that I am here today.


    • lucysfootball

      I didn’t really have an option, when I was going to school – my parents couldn’t afford college, and I couldn’t work enough hours to pay for it myself and still go (and of course, at that age, you want it all NOW NOW NOW and also think money is play-money.) I didn’t make the best decisions. About money or a lot of other things. It’s kind of amazing to me we let kids out in the world with as little knowledge as I had then and they’re adults, you know? Scary.


  • Andreas Heinakroon

    This makes me sad. I’m sorry you’re stuck with that huge student loan – it’s totally sucky to be that much in debt. It makes you feel trapped. And disillusioned. And sometimes makes it difficult to breathe.

    But who knows? Things change all the time. They might even change to the better. That sometimes happens. It truly does. For realsies.


    • lucysfootball

      Thank you. It’s not as bad as it was, only because I’ve come to terms with it. It’s never going to get anything but bigger; it’s never going to go away until I’m 65. I just keep paying until then. It’s all I can do. There’s no reason to stress over something you can’t change, I suppose. (Yes, yes, I still DO, sometimes, but I tell myself not to.)

      And yeah, things could change…and as much as I like to believe in magic…it doesn’t come around all that often. But I keep hoping.


  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Amy, oh, how I can relate! I lived for years off of the good graces of roommates who charged me minimal rent and who brought home food from the restaurants they worked in so I could have something to eat, and I worked and worked, and got deeper in debt with medical bills ON TOP of school loans, because, OF COURSE, I got sick/injured between jobs and then I had a “pre-existing condition” which wasn’t covered. Oh, how I feel for you!

    But, well, yes, things did get better. It took a while, but now I have a REAL job with REAL insurance and really don’t worry about having money for ‘stuff’ anymore! So, if the magic happened for me, it can happen for you! I don’t know when, or how, but I really do think it can happen for you, too.

    Meantime, hang in there! Your daily posts make a difference in my life, even if you’re not getting rich off of them!!


  • Handflapper

    Student loan debt is completely insane bullshit. This is America, goddammit. We should be able to get the education we want/need without having to eat out of dumpsters the rest of our lives to pay for it. Except, when did it start that every freaking yahoo in the world went to college? The last few times I was on a campus doing recruiting for employees for the water park, I saw people hanging out in the student union or whatever you call it ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. What kind of effed-upness is that? If you’re in college, go to class once in a while, assholes! That kind of chicanery did not go on when I was getting my degree in SPEECH COMM. Not really. It’s mass media, which is one-third speech comm, one-third journalism and one-third English. And while I’ve never held a job in any of those fields specifically, I’ve used the skill set in all the jobs I’ve had.


    • lucysfootball

      There was a lot of hanging out when I was in college, too. I was very good at getting my work done quickly so I had time to hang out with my friends. And even with a full courseload (and I actually had a fuller-than-normal courseload, because I double-majored, plus I worked 20 hours a week) there was still a lot of hang-out time. Where’s that time now? I could use some of that. I never feel like I have enough time lately.

      I’ve used the stuff I learned in my theater classes because I still work in a theater. But the most useful theater things I’ve learned I learned while working in a theater, not while sitting in a classroom.

      Poor decisions were made. Oh, were they made.


  • Charleen

    The only thing I learned in school was how to be good at school. Money well spent, clearly.


    • lucysfootball

      Ha! Yep. I also learned how to party, how to stay up really, really late, and how to make do on very little money. The latter two of those actually have served me well. :)


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