She’s talking in her sleep; it’s keeping me awake

Random crap Tuesday? Sure, I don’t have any other plans. Buckle up, cowboys! Wow, that was kind of a stupidly mixed metaphor. Cowboys don’t wear SEATBELTS.

In news of the MOST random, want to hear a most excellent German word? Schnarcht. Guess what it means. No, seriously, guess. SNORING. Now say it out loud. (No, I don’t know how to pronounce it correctly, either. Probably there are like three of you reading that do.) Doesn’t it just LOOK and SOUND like snoring? It totally does. It’s like a little German onomatopoeia!

In news of snoring, which I was explaining to Ken on Twitter, I am the loudest snorer in the history of the world, and probably I need a C-PAP machine but I don’t care for those because Dad has one and I put it on once and it made me feel like I was in a wind tunnel that was sucking my breath.

Seriously, how would a person sleep with one of these on? Comfortably, I mean? That can’t happen. Also, sexy? No.

I snore like a lumberjack. So, probably it’s good that I’m single, because otherwise, whoever hitched his euphemistic wagon to my star would be really, really tired all the time. Or I need a deaf person. Or someone who can sleep in another room with that sound-baffling material all on the walls like in a recording studio. According to ex-roommates, I also hold detailed conversations in my sleep, in which I play all the roles, and I sometimes laugh. There’s even a word for that. Somniloquy! It’s like I’m in a Shakespearean nighttime drama. None of this surprises you, does it? I don’t have an off-button! Even when I’m SLEEPING! Someday (let’s hope) I’ll have a nice repeat overnight visitor who finds this all very entertaining and we’ll get him to record it. I’d like to know what I’m saying in my sleep. Mom was all, “Um, that could be bad. What if you’re spilling SECRETS?” What secrets, like my biscuit recipe? Sheesh, Mom, there really aren’t any bodies buried anywhere. What exactly do you think I do down here all day, mobster-stuff? I’m living a soap-opera? Nope. Nothing that exciting. Sorry to disappoint.

Ay, Dios mio!

(Also, in “I have a very active nighttime life” news, about a week ago, I woke up CONVINCED one of you had died. I won’t say which one. It will freak you right the hell out. That’d freak ME out. It’s like a PORTENT of EVIL. Let’s name the person…Pat. That is a gender-non-specific name.

Pat doesn’t look like this. Pat is lovely.

I sat up straight in bed around 2am, and said, out loud, “Oh, no. I have to let everyone know. I have to. They NEED to know.” See, I apparently had had a dream that I thought was TOTALLY REAL in which Pat had died, and one of Pat’s loved ones had contacted me and tasked me with telling all of the internet that Pat was no longer among us. I was the only one, other than Pat’s loved ones, who knew Pat was dead. Yes, I realize this makes very little sense. Why would Pat’s loved ones only tell me that Pat was dead? I don’t know. It was a dream. They don’t make sense. The thing is, I apparently was kind of sleepwalking. I thought it was real.

Man, it’s a good thing there are a lot of steps and such before I get outside. I’d end up all wandering through the woods in my nightgown. And it’s really unkempt.

So I sat up sure this was true. I reached for my phone, so I could tell everyone Pat was dead. However, I had forgotten to charge my phone the night before, so my phone was charging in the living room. I actually GOT OUT OF BED to WALK TO THE LIVING ROOM to GET MY PHONE to tell EVERYONE Pat was dead. I was standing in the middle of my bedroom, kind of swaying? You know, when you’re like 98% asleep? And I actually said, OUT LOUD, “Wait. I THINK I AM DREAMING. PAT IS NOT DEAD.” Then I stood there half-asleep for a few more minutes, thinking, “Is it a dream? Is it not? Should I tell the internet Pat is dead?” Then I decided, no, it is a dream. Because I would be crying if Pat was dead, because I love Pat, and how sad would it be if Pat was dead? Why would I just be SLEEPING? Like it was not a big DEAL? That didn’t make any sense. So I went back to bed. Can you even imagine if my phone had been next to my bed? I would have, like, posted on Facebook or Twitter or here or wherever that Pat was dead. Then I’d wake up in the morning to a million messages, some of them FROM Pat, all, “Um. Amy? I’m …um…not dead? What is happening WHAT IS HAPPENING.” So. There is the story of how my brain works at 2am. Also, I think I need to start keeping my phone in the living room, just for safekeeping. Oh, and because I’m sure you’ve been worried: PAT IS ALIVE. I checked as soon as I woke up.)

It was a very exciting week last week. Much book announcement ruckus. Covers! Release dates! All kinds of excitement. I’m totally bouncing like Tigger right now, I can’t even tell you. Bounce, bounce, bounce. Just a little over two weeks, and then BOOK RELEASE DAY! Also, I have lined up – ready? Ready for this? – REVIEWERS! I know it, right? How fancy is THAT! I think I have 4 now? 5? People who will READ my BOOK! And tell people about it! I am very excited about this. Thank you, my reviewers! I hope they love it. But even if they don’t, doesn’t matter. I’m just excited they’ll read it. I want them to be honest, anyway. I’d rather an honest review than a lying liar who lies review.

Yo, here’s a CAT reviewer. How do I pitch a cat reviewer? I think a cat would give me a VERY good review! I am a FRIEND of cats. ALL cats.

Anyway, when I announced this, I hoped (rightly, I love your faces) all my internet people would be awesome and excited, because you’re all awesome, but as I’ve mentioned a million times before (and I find this utterly baffling, I mean, not because I’m so scintillating in real life, but shouldn’t your real-life people be even more involved in your life than your “imaginary” friends?) my real-life people don’t seem to care what’s happening in the land of me, so I didn’t even tell anyone in real life (and before you ask, YES, I absolutely HAVE tried, and then I gave up), hardly, until I realized, huh, I probably should, even if it sells one book, it might be worth it. Plus I’m super-stoked. So I put it up on Facebook last week. And GOOD GRACIOUS. It’s amazing when sometimes people surprise you, isn’t it? My real-life people WERE excited! I was honored and humbled and also we annoyed poor Ken to distraction because I THOUGHT it would be a good thing to tag him in the post, because he did the cover and I wanted to make sure he got credit for that, but I honestly thought (as with most things I post on Facebook) no one would CARE, I had no idea people would RESPOND, so he started getting a kajillion emails because he’s signed up to get emails every time someone comments on a post he’s tagged in. SORRY KEN. If it helps at all, I felt terrible about the emails. I did NOT feel terrible he was getting the credit he deserved for the beautiful, beautiful cover. (KEN! Take off your Facebook email notifications, goofball.) So, yeah. Real life people, I am sorry I underestimated you. I’ll try to be better about that in the future.

Aw, sorry hamster (or some sort of rodent, who knows what this is, not me!)

Also, this weekend, I got to see the first rough draft of the book (eeee!) and it is BEAUTIFUL. I can’t even TELL you. I had a little editing work to do and I did it and then I honestly fell down a wormhole of paging through the PDF over and over and OVER and saying things like, “Hey, HEY, I totally WROTE that, that’s a nice turn of phrase, right there, too bad the person that inspired that is such an asshat” (oh, wait, no, of COURSE I’d never think that, us poets are SO above that, ahem.) It’s amazing and it’s beautiful and I can’t wait for you all to see it.

On the same day my book’s coming out, my friend and co-blogger at The Loser’s Table (which I SWEAR we have not forgotten about, it’s just…well…we’re all a little busy at the moment) Cara has a book coming out as well. On the same day! So of course you’re going to want to read Cara’s book as well. It is called Elegantly Wasted, look look look how pretty Erin‘s cover is, and I can’t wait to read it.

Cara’s been working her ass off on it and I’m so proud that we’re both Luna Station authors. Congratulations, Cara! You know, I really know some crazy-talented people. It amazes me. I’m so proud to have them all in my life, I can’t even explain.

In weather news (what, that’s fun, right? Don’t we ALL love talking about the weather?) we are having a DROUGHT. Our grass is yellow; our trees are yellow; our skies are blue blue blue blue and it is hoooooot. Hot and humid. It’s like living in a swamp only there’s no water in this swamp. It’s kind of the worst.

This is what our grass looks like right now. It is unpretty.

Even up where my parents live, where it’s always wet, it’s dry. The governor put the state under a three-month outdoor burn ban because of all the droughtiness. My dad’s all, “well, that’s it, it’s over, it’s never going to rain again” because he’s filled with joy and a whole pot of optimism. And, because it’s so, so dry, guess what happened up where my parents live this past weekend? A GIGANTIC FOREST FIRE! I’m not even kidding! My dad has a wood lot (people have such things at home, it’s where you cut your firewood and also hang out for fun sometimes and look at squirrels), and it caught on FIRE! Two ACRES of fire! Fire that got under the pine needles and lasted until the next DAY! It was all very upsetting and FIVE different fire departments had to be called in and Dad almost passed out from heat stroke because it was over 90 degrees that day and I scolded him and scolded him for almost dying. Apparently it’s out now but that was a scary thing. The whole WOODS could have burned down. That wouldn’t have been fun. Where would the fairies and frog princes live?

I don’t think it was this big. But if you Google “little forest fire” you don’t get a lot of results, oddly.

Also, Dad’s all put out because the local paper but a blurb about the fire on Facebook. “I DON’T WANT TO BE ON FACEBOOK! THAT’S WHY I DON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT!” he said. “Dad, they didn’t say your name, just that there was a fire somewhere on that road, you’re safe,” I replied. “STALKERS WILL KNOW!” he howled. Oh, Dad. It must be so hard to live in your head. A place so full of ruckus and I’m guessing bees.

In happier news, The Nephew was at my parents’ house the last time I called, and he was building LEGO TOWERS! That almost went to the CEILING, Aunt Amy! And when my mom asked him if he wanted to talk to me, he said, “I do NOT want to talk to her!” (kid hates the phone; that’s ok, I’m not a fan of it myself) but when my mom tried to put the speakerphone on and couldn’t, he said, “WHY can’t you?” as if his wee nephewy heart was broken. I like that he is filled with contradictions. I want to build Lego towers to the ceiling with him. I’m quite good at Lego towers. It’s a secret talent I have.

OK, back to doing many many important things I go.

Oh, who got the title? You totally win my love if you did without me telling you below like I’m going to. Ready? Ok, well, it’s not like the Counting Crows are my favorite band, or anything, but I love love LOVE this song. (Also, what? It was never released as a single? Sorry, this is a terrible version. But the live versions are AWFUL. The album version is best.)

Happy Tuesday!

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About lucysfootball

I'm not the girl with the most cake. Someday. SOMEDAY. View all posts by lucysfootball

34 responses to “She’s talking in her sleep; it’s keeping me awake

  • blogginglily

    I did NOT get the title, but I totally have the Romantics, “Talking in your Sleep” in my fucking head now. And I’m not happy about it.

    This Ken situation really sounds like his own damn fault.

    Pretty cover. . .

    Excited about your book. . .

    Sooooo much other stuff

    (worst comment I’ve ever left here. . . )

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Sorry. I am Earworm McQueen.

      I know, right? Who leaves Facebook email notifications on? No one does that, no one!

      None of your comments are worst. All are awesome. ALL I SAID.

      Like

  • sj

    God, now I’m convinced I’m Pat. How did I die, Amy? HOW DID I DIE?

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I am not telling ANYONE who Pat is. What if that’s all it took for the fickle fates to KILL Pat? Pat is someone I love a great deal, and if Pat died, I would be heartbroken. No tempting of fates. I LOVE YOU, FATES! I promise to respect you and not tell anyone any more about Pat than I already have!

      Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Yes, that is a golden hamster I believe, although I’m not an expert on rodents so I could be mistaken. It does look like one though.

    Like

  • Andreas Heinakroon

    Woah! Forest fire!

    I don’t like fires. Fire bad, m-kay? Glad your dad didn’t get burned.

    Like

  • Rich Crete

    I know you love it when we opine, so
    It’s my opinion, and I’m sure I’m not alone, that you should make another video, like before, with a fixed drawing, like before, to reveal the true identity of Pat, like before, and we’ll all be amazed when you pull out Ken’s name…..like before.

    BTW if you are sleepwalking, please be sure you have at least 2 manual locks on your door like chain and/or deadbolt. No kidding. Not messing around. Danger, Will Robinson!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I don’t go too far when I sleepwalk. Also, I have a large fan blocking the doorway of my bedroom, so break my neck? Probably. But leave the house? Probably not.

      I am not telling anyone who Pat is, because that seems like a good way to tempt the fates to me. No way, Jose.

      Like

  • Rosie

    Sorry, SJ, you can’t be Pat, because I am Pat. Now tell me, Amy, HOW DID I DIE???

    I *love* Cara’s book cover by Erin! They both rock, and now I have another book to buy. I can’t believe I’m buying physical books for you people. It’s like I live in the 20th CENTURY or something. But I can’t wait to smell them! Mmmm…

    Rodent dude looks like a hamster to me, but since Lucy’s Football Science Fellow Andreas already piped up with that, you probably don’t need me to tell you.

    I’m also glad your dad didn’t get burned or heat stroked to death because I like him. I want more posts like the Olympics one! It’s like Shit Amy’s Dad Says. <3

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Now you ALL think you are Pat! I will not say a word. Because I’ve become convinced that would kill Pat, and I really, really don’t want that to happen.

      Isn’t Cara’s book gorgeous? I love it so much. August’s going to be a good month for books! Oh, I’m going to smell my book. I’m going to smell it the HARDEST. Aaahh….

      Dad’s been less rambly and angry lately. I have to get him going on something one of these days. That’s when he’s the most entertaining. Hmm…I do have to ask him what he thinks about someone dumping tacks on the Tour de France track the next time we talk, so that might open up a world of shoutery. :)

      Like

    • Cara V. (@fictionalchick)

      I smell books too… so many books to smell next month… I mean read… and smell. I hope my book smells okay- here’s a good line: “thanks for smelling my book.” Yeah I like that… clearly I’ve had too much sugar this morning.

      Thanks, Amy for the shoutout… if I wasn’t in the middle of a bat-shit-crazy episode, I’d blog about yours. OR SOMETHING LESS SELFISH. Actually I have this post ready about me reading Tara’s poetry book… it comes off as funny even though the book isn’t funny… because when I read poetry it’s like I turn into John Hughes for some reason… I wonder what your book will do to me? Hope I don’t close myself off in a room for a year…

      Like

      • lucysfootball

        Oh, I hope it doesn’t shut you in your room. It’s not overly depressing. Melancholy but not stabby in parts, sometimes ragey, sometimes funny. It’s a good mix, I think. I hope.

        Can not WAIT to read yours!!!

        Like

  • Rosie

    Oh, PS, I remembered the lyric, but couldn’t place the song, though I knew it was one I loved. I think I couldn’t place it because it was warring in my head with an old Crystal Gayle song that goes “You’ve been talking in your sleep/sleeping in your dreams/with some sweet lover…”

    Like

  • Heather

    I totally got the title–I love that song, too.

    Like

  • Kris Rudin (@krisrudin)

    Very glad your dad survived the fire. Hope he didn’t lose too much timber!

    The tacks on the road at the TDF would definitely be good dad-conversation-fodder. My dad (also a TDF fan) said he was amazed by the act, as “usually stupidity like that is an American thing!” I didn’t point out that it could have been American fans who did it, as that would have just sent him off on a rant, and I don’t have a blog on which to post funny dad rants! ;-)

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      No, I don’t think too much was lost in the fire. Not that he mentioned, anyway.

      The article I read said it was either “Basque separatists” or “hooligans” that threw those tacks. I’m going with hooligans. Because I love the word so.

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    Cowboys probably wear seat belts in their big old trucks and they DEFINITELY buckle their elaborately tooled leather belts with enormous shiny buckles. I know this. There are cowboys in my family tree.

    Helpful information you will not act on: People with snoring and apnea can often find relief through a special mouthguard like device that is much less obtrusive than the CPap. This is according to my mom, who has used both, and I believe still uses the mouthguard. Think how much you could accomplish if you weren’t worn out from schnarchting all night!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      Oh. Hmm. I wonder if I could sleep with a mouthguard? Huh. Interesting. I actually have an appointment with my doctor coming up and I wanted to talk to her about new sleeping pills, anyway. I might bring that up.

      Like

  • lynnettedobberpuhl

    P.S. I can’t wait for your book!

    Like

  • Em @ 35JupiterDrive

    I’m sure I’m not Pat because I’m pretty sure I have to stick around until I’m in my 80s. Or maybe 90s. But to be 1000% sure, I’ll make sure I don’t have you in my emergency folder as my online contact for my family. (It’s a red folder. It says, If I’m Dead, Read This. I am not a subtle person in some ways.)

    Hamster. Definitely hamster. Maybe it’s trying to bribe it’s way in to a Nissan Cube. It needs a little motorcycle jacket.

    I’m still excited about your book because I love poetry and also you have an excellent vocabulary so I cannot wait. Cannot. Wait.

    I’m sorry your dad’s woodpile had a fire. Or woodlot. Whatever. Feel free to reassure him that I’m on the west coast and have no plans of being east any time soon.

    Yay for all pub’s books!

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      I have one of those folders, too. It has instructions. All the instructions. :)

      Yay, book! Just did the final edits today. Should be getting a final PDF version to peruse very soon. Yippee!!!

      Like

  • mylifeisthebestlife

    I totally got the title. I don’t know many Counting Crows songs but I TOTALLY know that one and I would totally put it on a mixed tape because I love it so much.

    Like

  • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

    If you want to know how not to pronounce “schnarchen” (infinitive of “schnarcht” which is the third person singular) go here http://dict.leo.org/ende?lp=ende&lang=de&searchLoc=0&searchLocRelinked=1&search=Schnarchen&trestr=0x8001
    and listen to the lady that pronounces the verb.
    If you want to know how to pronounce it correctly go to the same site and listen to the lady that pronounces the noun.
    Why would they put a wrong pronunciation in an online dictionary that is otherwise really good? I’m confused now. And I just wanted to be helpful. Hmpf

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      This made me laugh SO HARD. First, the good pronunciation: there’s no way I could ever say it. That’s how you’re supposed to say that? There are like a million sounds squished into my one little awesome word! I tried to say it like the woman did and I sounded TERRIBLE. I think I might want to reconsider ever learning German if I can’t even say the word for snoring.

      Then, the bad pronunciation made me laugh because it sounded like they got a bored Valley girl to record it. It had the strangest accent! It sounded like if I was trying to pronounce something in a foreign language and had no idea how to do it. Like a random guess. I listened to them both about ten times, but for different reasons. One, because I was trying to learn it (and failed, miserably) and one because it made me laugh and laugh.

      Like

      • Aleksandra (@yeksovic)

        She does sound bored, I agree. She probably spent the last hours before that recording pronouncing Chinese words and was fed up with foreign languages. Because there is no way she is a native German speaker. Or she’s from some very remote corner of the country with a weird accent that I haven’t heard before.
        And don’t worry about not being able to pronounce that word properly, it has this very advanced sound in it. Actually, if you pronounced it wrong the way the woman did, that would be good for somebody learning the language. But I still wouldn’t put you on a website as an example for others.

        Like

        • lucysfootball

          It DOES have an advanced sound in it! We don’t have all the advanced sounds in English. Or if we did, we’d just all pronounce them differently with our regional accents so no one would know the difference anyway. I want to speak a language with advanced sounds! I like a challenge! *sigh*

          Like

  • Handflapper

    I talk in my sleep often. And at length. I always know when I’ve done it, because when I wake up my mouth and throat are all dry and achy like I haven’t closed my mouth and swallowed in years. Sometimes I wake my husband up and he listens and he says I’m always telling somebody off. Figures. He also talks in his sleep, but only when he has his recurring dream of somebody (the bushy haired stranger) trying to kill him and he screams, “Help! Help!” and flails around and sometimes hits me in the face. I do not like that dream.

    Oh, and I sleepwalked, only once that I know of, and something funny and coincidental? It also involves the phone. It happened one summer I stayed at college and there were only two girls in the whole dorm I was in, me and this other girl who really looked like a boy and was on the women’s basketball team, and there was a week-long high school journalism camp and the Dean or somebody in charge asked us to be camp counselors since we were the only girls in the dorm and also very responsible (shut up! I WAS. In fact, I was much more responsible when I was younger than I am now, but I think it had more to do with a dread terror of getting in trouble than any real character asset on my part). Anyway, that was one of the longest damn weeks of my life. Those girls were wild wild WILD. They kept us up all night, EVERY night. For a solid week we were confiscating beer and chasing boys out of their rooms and telling them to shut the hell up and quit running up and down the damn halls. And I had classes all day to go to. Summer school is no joke.

    So one night, the other girl knocked on my door and stuck her head in my room and asked me who was on the phone. I didn’t know what she was talking about. She told me she had just told me I had a phone call (the phone was in the hall, how charmingly old-fashioned is that? just like Happy Days!) and that I had gotten out of bed, gone into the hall, picked up the phone, spoken into it, hung it up, and returned to bed. To this day I have no idea who might have called me or what I might have said to that person. I blame exhaustion caused by those damn mini-slutwhores attending that journalism camp.

    Like

    • lucysfootball

      The bushy-haired stranger! That’s worrisome! (Also a little funny, but don’t tell your husband I said that!)

      You never found out who was on the phone? Wow. I wonder what you said? Could have been ANYTHING. You might have sold your SOUL that night, and you won’t know until it comes DUE. Dun dun dunnnnnn… (or maybe someone promised you a million dollars. Could go either way, really.)

      Like

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